So we covered me making a fool of myself to Cyrus, Arash's sexual comment, lunch date with Jake, bailing on Jake later for Cyrus, and here we are at today.
I go to work completely wasted. I know, not professional whatsoever but my clients just got back from Italy and I really need to be there so I am doing what I must...the whole morning I am willing myself not to throw up, giggling constantly at things that aren't that funny, and my focus is completely gone. It was ROUGH.
Around 11am, I think it'll be a good idea to text XF.... (turns out, drunken Elle was finally doing something right)
Me: I can't decide whether we should be friends or not, it seems weird to not have you in my life at all
XF: I can't even process that right now, I am not in the mental state
Me: Do you blame yourself for this or are you blaming me?
XF: I could never blame you, I love you too much. I hate all of this.
Me: Will you honestly tell me what was holding you back?
Basically - he finally admits that he's been lying to my goddamn face about getting engaged. Sure, his intention was there but OF COURSE WE ARE STILL WAITING FOR THE ARMENIAN MAFIA TO DROP DEAD BEFORE WE CAN START LIVING. OF FUCKING COURSE YOU PANZY ASS MOFO, I HATE YOU.
I knew in my gut that was what was going on...I chose to deny the facts to myself which led me to always feeling a little empty inside...(shits about to get deep real fast so watch out ya'll)
So the texts continue, I tell him fuck him for lying to my face...and I end it with...
Me: And you know what? You're a liar and you never deserved me. You are signing up for a lifetime of sadness...it's not just me being upset you lied to my face for so long - it's sad to watch you destroy yourself in the process. Your family is broken and you can't fix that. Me being out of the picture isn't going to help put the pieces back together. You'll never be able to forgive them for all of this. When you find out one day that I'm married to someone else and you're alone, maybe it'll all sink in...just how much you lost.
Despite all of this -- I felt empty. I'm sure I kind of looked it too. I don't like to admit any of this because I legit went to battle with EVERYONE i know in defense of XF but I knew deep down, I wanted and needed more. G had an intervention with me recently...G, me & a bottle of tequila...he straight up looked me in the eyes and told me this was all wrong...He held nothing back and I started sobbing. He was right. He was so fucking right. But I was petrified of letting this amazing catch go. I see all my hot persian girlfriends, 30+ struggling to find a guy half as put together as XF. I don't want to be 30+ still playing this field, it is EXHAUSTING...So many girls would kill for a guy like XF...
I joined my gym last summer in the midst of our breakup, right after I returned from summer vacation in Turkey. You all read about it (if you haven't go to the archives of July 2015) and I became obsessive with working out. Obviously it gives you a high of endorphins but I just felt like...here is something I can control, I can be good at, and it'll help me get rid of the stresses I feel about XF and how fucked up we are. It was a great band aid.
Then all the sudden this summer, the gym wasn't enough to mask how I felt deep down. XF and I had hit a normal/easy plateau...I knew things weren't progressing. I knew he wasn't going to propose. I knew if he did that I'd be marrying the wrong guy for the wrong reasons.
He might have his life/career together but I realized...that might not be everything. I would have dreams where he proposed with that giant 30k ring I picked out and I'd cry because I knew that I wasn't marrying him for the right reasons...whats worse...I had that dream all the time.
I never had his full attention. His cell phone and the Golden State Warriors did but I never, ever did. He didn't go out of his way to mingle with my friends, that upset me because my friends are the air I breathe. He didn't go out of his way to impress my family...fantasy football draft was more important so he couldn't be bothered. The sex was terrible. Fucking TERRIBLE. He would never give me a back massage. I had to beg for flowers for over a year before I started to get those. Sure he cooked all my meals and took me to costco but guess what? I don't fucking care about food and I can afford my own costco membership.
I was settling for a guy who emotionally never fulfilled me. Physically didn't even come close. Who made me feel special but not special enough...Sure he'd never cheat and would be a good dad/provider for a family but his family are a bunch of racist fucking redneck Armenian shitheads...dealing with that forever? Hmmmmmm....seems like the short end of the stick for me...
We went to two weddings this summer...at both, he would escape and be on his phone facetiming his friends or family...What the fuck dude can you be present, in the moment EVER? Jesus Christ. It's a wedding, you're my date. CMON.
(I know I am rambling and this wasn't even the point of this post...I have so much new content that I am getting all caught up on XF but I think it's important...plus, this blog serves as the best damn reminder when I start to forget how much he sucked and how often SO you're gonna have to deal with me right now peeps.)
I spent tonight with Jake. We didn't do much of anything...went to a beer garden where I drank copious amounts of water, we talked, went back to my place, had sex, talked some more and he left. Simple but actually really perfect. The guy who might be broke, might just be cheap, who surprises me at the animal shelter, yeah that one might just be fantastic...we have conversations with actual depth, he smiles at me and touches me, he really connects...I kept selling that stuff short but now, I see it all very differently....
He has always made me feel special. Not in ways that cost $$ like XFactor did but with his attention. I never compete with his phone. He always tells me how gorgeous I am, tells me he'll miss me while I am away, tells all of his friends/brother how glad he is to have me back in his life...This sounds so corny but he'll text me things like... "Making out with Elle, definitely my number one favorite activity." Or on his daily to do list he will send a picture with my name on the list, our plans that day and stars next to it. Stupid, goofy, corny shit that is just so adorable....He listens when I talk and he's surprisingly smart as hell. I sound like I'm the one falling in love, (I'm not) but he is the perfect contrast to XF.
We were hooking up tonight when he looked at me and said "you are just so fucking beautiful." XFactor would never do that. But aside from the compliments, I know his mind is on me when I'm not around. I know he's 100 percent in the moment when I am around. He literally ditched every single friend at his birthday party this summer to give me his undivided attention...That's a story for another day, something happened on that night that led to the post titled, "Mistakes." After the night, I almost left XFactor for Jake...I didn't. Then I convinced myself that XFactor was it and Jake was nothing except a mistake...lying to myself, never works out well.
ANYWAYS - this stream of consciousness post needs to end...so after texting Xfactor and getting that confirmation of what I felt all along, I felt angry but now peaceful. I knew when I dumped him this time that it was no joke, there would be no going back. Even if he did grow a pair of balls and get his shit together, he's just not the right guy. My friends saw it, my family saw it, I just didn't want to see it myself. I am NOT a quitter. I can't dedicate this much time to someone and it not end with the ring. Well, I did dedicate that much time, it didn't end with a ring and surprisingly, its OK.
To be honest...that night on the boat with Jake for his birthday made me realize what I was missing. I felt so connected, so special, so adored and it reminded me what life could feel like and what mine no longer did...It didn't matter that Jake's shoes were horrific, or he wasn't the best dressed guy there...all that mattered was how I felt.
So ladies and gents, Jake aka yoga dude is definitely playing a much larger role in my life than I ever expected...Kinda crazy how things change...so thankful he never gave up and was able to remind me how I want to feel with whomever I wind up choosing down the line...sometimes we all just need a reminder.
Thanks for listening, I love ya.