Last night was a disaster.
I get home from getting manicures with Mia and XF is on the couch with Arash. (Despite XF knowing Arash and I hooked up, things are somehow not weird with them...thank God?)
We have 20 minutes left of happy hour sushi at our local spot so I run in and say, "hey! let's get sushi, hurry!!"
Arash is on the phone with the airline changing his flight to the earlier one we all decided to take. This could've been done on the app in about 30 seconds but hey, fuck efficiency, wait on hold and waste your time via phone doing it...nbd, moron. (these things drive me up a damn wall)
10 minutes later, he is still sitting there spelling out his confirmation number at the top of his lungs for the lady to understand him...JFC, seriously? This is why APPS exist.
THEN Arash says, "Elle, why didn't you and Mia tell about about mani/pedi's?! I wanted to go, I told you last week!"
I CAN'T WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. Can we have an actual girls with vaginas moment, ever or does the girl with a dick have to join us for LITERALLY everything now?
JUST BREATHE ELLE, JUST BREATHE.
Then Arash decides to join for sushi and we go. Nothing like a double dinner date with your X and your roommate. Do I ever get a break?
At dinner...
The whole conversation somehow starts turning to.. XF saying something like, "I love tropical vacations, why wasn't I invited?"
Thus forcing me to defend myself. "Ummm, no you don't. You go stir crazy on tropical vacations, you enjoy exploratory trips not lounging trips and you hate taking your shirt off because you are so hairy."
Then he says, "Arash, you should get back with dreadful J, she was great!"
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK XF?
You didn't like J. I didn't like J. Double Trouble didn't like J. Mia didn't like J. Adi didn't like J. Sam didn't like J. NOBODY FUCKING LIKES J.
Why the fuck are you saying this!? Why do you keep saying things to put me on the defensive?!
Arash: "XF, what are you thoughts on tattoos?"
XF: "They're cool, I want one."
Elle: "HONESTLY?! You fucking hate tattoos and you've said many times, if I had one, you wouldn't want to date me. We are on the SAME page with tattoos and piercings aka zero tolerance policy. WTF!?"
Arash: "Tattoos are like so sexy, Elle!"
XF: "Elle, it's groomzillas wifes bday today. Did you wish her a happy birthday?"
Elle: "No."
XF: "Well you should, she's our childrens future God parent."
Elle: "Just stop, honestly it's not funny whatever the fuck this is."
Arash: "Who is like groomzilla?"
Oh JESUS, here we go. Now I get to explain why I can't stand XF's friend thus making me look like a bitch x1000 tonight. I don't wanna talk about groomzilla now or ever. WHY IS THIS ALL HAPPENING!?
Finally, I am so sick of these conversations I just stop talking. Why are they both being so fucking obnoxious?
WHY?
This is where it really heats up....
Arash: "XF, like how do you like feel about like drugs?"
XF: "They aren't for me."
Finally, something he isn't jokingly bullshitting on. Arash and I had a long chat about drug usage one night in an uber. I said I don't date guys who use drugs. Not even a little bit, I am just not down with that lifestyle choice.
He kept saying, you can't knock it til you try, etc etc. I bet your past boyfriends smoked weed, etc, etc, etc.
I went through my past serious relationships + Jake and confirmed that NONE of them are into drugs and that's why I was into them.
You are the summation of the top five people you spend time with. A pot head or a coke head aren't exactly going to help me achieve my goals in life. I'm just NOT about it. I've never tried any drug besides alcohol and I never intend to. This is my personal choice and I am allowed to make it. I don't cave to peer pressure, ever. I also don't judge those who use drugs. That is their choice and it is my choice not to associate with them. Pretty simple stuff...
Well this convo got heated, Arash kept trying to poke holes in my logic for not being friends with people who do drugs, and I finally said, IM LEAVING. I DON'T NEED TO KEEP DEFENDING MY STANCE ON THIS. LEAVE ME ALONE, BOTH OF YOU.
I got up and walked out the door.
They both scurried to get to the car before I drove away.
We get into the apartment and
I get home from getting manicures with Mia and XF is on the couch with Arash. (Despite XF knowing Arash and I hooked up, things are somehow not weird with them...thank God?)
We have 20 minutes left of happy hour sushi at our local spot so I run in and say, "hey! let's get sushi, hurry!!"
Arash is on the phone with the airline changing his flight to the earlier one we all decided to take. This could've been done on the app in about 30 seconds but hey, fuck efficiency, wait on hold and waste your time via phone doing it...nbd, moron. (these things drive me up a damn wall)
10 minutes later, he is still sitting there spelling out his confirmation number at the top of his lungs for the lady to understand him...JFC, seriously? This is why APPS exist.
THEN Arash says, "Elle, why didn't you and Mia tell about about mani/pedi's?! I wanted to go, I told you last week!"
I CAN'T WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. Can we have an actual girls with vaginas moment, ever or does the girl with a dick have to join us for LITERALLY everything now?
JUST BREATHE ELLE, JUST BREATHE.
Then Arash decides to join for sushi and we go. Nothing like a double dinner date with your X and your roommate. Do I ever get a break?
At dinner...
The whole conversation somehow starts turning to.. XF saying something like, "I love tropical vacations, why wasn't I invited?"
Thus forcing me to defend myself. "Ummm, no you don't. You go stir crazy on tropical vacations, you enjoy exploratory trips not lounging trips and you hate taking your shirt off because you are so hairy."
Then he says, "Arash, you should get back with dreadful J, she was great!"
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK XF?
You didn't like J. I didn't like J. Double Trouble didn't like J. Mia didn't like J. Adi didn't like J. Sam didn't like J. NOBODY FUCKING LIKES J.
Why the fuck are you saying this!? Why do you keep saying things to put me on the defensive?!
Arash: "XF, what are you thoughts on tattoos?"
XF: "They're cool, I want one."
Elle: "HONESTLY?! You fucking hate tattoos and you've said many times, if I had one, you wouldn't want to date me. We are on the SAME page with tattoos and piercings aka zero tolerance policy. WTF!?"
Arash: "Tattoos are like so sexy, Elle!"
XF: "Elle, it's groomzillas wifes bday today. Did you wish her a happy birthday?"
Elle: "No."
XF: "Well you should, she's our childrens future God parent."
Elle: "Just stop, honestly it's not funny whatever the fuck this is."
Arash: "Who is like groomzilla?"
Oh JESUS, here we go. Now I get to explain why I can't stand XF's friend thus making me look like a bitch x1000 tonight. I don't wanna talk about groomzilla now or ever. WHY IS THIS ALL HAPPENING!?
Finally, I am so sick of these conversations I just stop talking. Why are they both being so fucking obnoxious?
WHY?
This is where it really heats up....
Arash: "XF, like how do you like feel about like drugs?"
XF: "They aren't for me."
Finally, something he isn't jokingly bullshitting on. Arash and I had a long chat about drug usage one night in an uber. I said I don't date guys who use drugs. Not even a little bit, I am just not down with that lifestyle choice.
He kept saying, you can't knock it til you try, etc etc. I bet your past boyfriends smoked weed, etc, etc, etc.
I went through my past serious relationships + Jake and confirmed that NONE of them are into drugs and that's why I was into them.
You are the summation of the top five people you spend time with. A pot head or a coke head aren't exactly going to help me achieve my goals in life. I'm just NOT about it. I've never tried any drug besides alcohol and I never intend to. This is my personal choice and I am allowed to make it. I don't cave to peer pressure, ever. I also don't judge those who use drugs. That is their choice and it is my choice not to associate with them. Pretty simple stuff...
Well this convo got heated, Arash kept trying to poke holes in my logic for not being friends with people who do drugs, and I finally said, IM LEAVING. I DON'T NEED TO KEEP DEFENDING MY STANCE ON THIS. LEAVE ME ALONE, BOTH OF YOU.
I got up and walked out the door.
They both scurried to get to the car before I drove away.
We get into the apartment and
I start crying.
"YOU BOTH KEEP PUSHING MY BUTTONS AND THINK IT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS BUT IT'S NOT. I AM NOT DOWN WITH DRUGS AND I DON'T NEED TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE AND STOP FUCKING PRODDING, THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!!"
Arash walks into his room. XF apologizes. Arash comes back out, "I was prodding...I'm sorry."
I stop crying. (I rarely EVER cry so clearly the anger just boiled over because damn, I lost my shit hardcore)
We watched This is Us together and afterwards, XF and I packed up the cats and off he went.
Seeing as last night was the first time I've seen XF since Jan. 28th, I figured you know, we might kiss or have sex. (CRAZY, right?)
None of that happened. After dinner, there was really no chance of it. But how do we fix things if you don't even attempt, XF?
Sigh.
So I sent this email to XF this AM:
XF,
Last night I was sad that...
1. we never kissed. I know this is because I came running in then Arash joined us for dinner and then dinner blew up in my face so things took a turn. But still sucks.
2. No sex. I really wanted it but because you poked and prodded me so hard at dinner, all hope of that was lost by the time we got home and I was 1000% turned off by both of you.
3. I know Arash and I argue like children but which team are you on? I'd rather you say nothing and let us act like children vs you take his side to make him feel better. If you lived with him, believe me, you'd get just as frustrated - if not more so. Watching someone do something ass backwards day in and day out gets old fast. He still doesn't rinse dishes or load the dishwasher properly, its fucking annoying and I am allowed to feel that way. I'm sure I do annoying shit too and you both are allowed to feel annoyed with me. It's life.
4. Thank you for understanding how it feels when you flip things around and force me to defend myself. I am truly so fucking sick of that and in front of other people, I can't/won't do it anymore.
5. I want to feel like I'm on a team with my partner. I want to feel loved, adored, and important. You say all of these things but I don't FEEL them. Last time I really did was your birthday dinner, and that was likely due to the months of not seeing each other prior.
This is not the kind of relationship I want now or in the future. One void of kissing, sex, and being belittled in a "joking" way that leads to me getting defensive and on edge.
I'm sure it's not what you want either.
Elle
PS this is NOT a tear down/reflection of any of the amazing things you do. I am very grateful for your generosity, your newfound love of the pishis, your willingness to always go out of your way for others/me, etc. All of that gratefulness remains in my heart, even when I am upset with you or our situation.
So with that, vacation is much needed. I am praying I don't drown Arash while there. Fingers crossed.
Next post is likely either a vaca update from Puerto Rico (aka has Arash drown yet?) or Feb.14th.
xo xo,
Elle
"YOU BOTH KEEP PUSHING MY BUTTONS AND THINK IT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS BUT IT'S NOT. I AM NOT DOWN WITH DRUGS AND I DON'T NEED TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE AND STOP FUCKING PRODDING, THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!!"
Arash walks into his room. XF apologizes. Arash comes back out, "I was prodding...I'm sorry."
I stop crying. (I rarely EVER cry so clearly the anger just boiled over because damn, I lost my shit hardcore)
We watched This is Us together and afterwards, XF and I packed up the cats and off he went.
Seeing as last night was the first time I've seen XF since Jan. 28th, I figured you know, we might kiss or have sex. (CRAZY, right?)
None of that happened. After dinner, there was really no chance of it. But how do we fix things if you don't even attempt, XF?
Sigh.
So I sent this email to XF this AM:
XF,
Last night I was sad that...
1. we never kissed. I know this is because I came running in then Arash joined us for dinner and then dinner blew up in my face so things took a turn. But still sucks.
2. No sex. I really wanted it but because you poked and prodded me so hard at dinner, all hope of that was lost by the time we got home and I was 1000% turned off by both of you.
3. I know Arash and I argue like children but which team are you on? I'd rather you say nothing and let us act like children vs you take his side to make him feel better. If you lived with him, believe me, you'd get just as frustrated - if not more so. Watching someone do something ass backwards day in and day out gets old fast. He still doesn't rinse dishes or load the dishwasher properly, its fucking annoying and I am allowed to feel that way. I'm sure I do annoying shit too and you both are allowed to feel annoyed with me. It's life.
4. Thank you for understanding how it feels when you flip things around and force me to defend myself. I am truly so fucking sick of that and in front of other people, I can't/won't do it anymore.
5. I want to feel like I'm on a team with my partner. I want to feel loved, adored, and important. You say all of these things but I don't FEEL them. Last time I really did was your birthday dinner, and that was likely due to the months of not seeing each other prior.
This is not the kind of relationship I want now or in the future. One void of kissing, sex, and being belittled in a "joking" way that leads to me getting defensive and on edge.
I'm sure it's not what you want either.
Elle
PS this is NOT a tear down/reflection of any of the amazing things you do. I am very grateful for your generosity, your newfound love of the pishis, your willingness to always go out of your way for others/me, etc. All of that gratefulness remains in my heart, even when I am upset with you or our situation.
So with that, vacation is much needed. I am praying I don't drown Arash while there. Fingers crossed.
Next post is likely either a vaca update from Puerto Rico (aka has Arash drown yet?) or Feb.14th.
xo xo,
Elle
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