Night before? 5 hours and 36 minutes.
If you know me, you know I fucking live in my bed and for sleep.
I actually feel like I am dying right now as I sit in the Denver airport for the worlds longest fucking layover.
I smell like Rami's cologne and it's actually making me feel nauseous.
Last night. Oh Lord, last night.
I was pretty nervous to meet all of his friends. Luckily his sister bailed and so did his ex.
Guess they really didn't want to meet me?
We start off with dinner in West Hollywood. It's nice, it's just us and things are fine. One on one, we are great.
Then we head to his friends apartment. This guy has hair longer than me, his apartment reeks, and he's rolling a joint.
I am not down with weed whatsoever. I don't judge those who do it but it's really not my thing. I don't want to see it and I don't want to smell it.
"Elle, take a hit!"
"No, I'm good. Thank you."
"Rami, take it!"
"No, I am taking a break. I haven't smoked since Wednesday."
He hasn't smoked since Wednesday because I flat out told him I can't take someone who smokes weed seriously. It will never be a part of my lifestyle, ever. It's nice he's being respectful even while with his friends.
Then he goes outside and I see him smoking cigarettes...
Uhhhh...we established last weekend that I won't kiss you if you smoke because that is also fucking disgusting...You aren't drunk yet (he says he smokes when he drinks) soooo why?
He's also sitting across the room from me. I am so uncomfortable I can't deal.
I start texting Bestie#1 like the anti social, prude that I am. "OMG all these people smoke weed, I am freaking out, I have never sat around it, Rami isn't near me, no one is talking to me, why am I here?! What do I do? I have anxiety which never happens, omg, omg."
Finally we depart to the bar. At this place theres two guys I know which will make this more bearable.
I am in a weird ass mood. I'm really over Rami, I really don't like his friends, I would much rather be in bed.
Wooooosa. Relax, Elle. Drink a little more, chill the fuck out and remember that you're not in your perfect DC bubble.
I try and hang, mix and mingle with people, bond with Rami's cousin. I fucking try.
Finally I get to the point where I am actually miserable so I go to the bar order a double shot of tequila and grab a drink.
If I am drunk, maybe this won't suck as bad?
IDK when I became so cynical but all around me I see people with mediocre jobs who waste money on the stupidest things, smoke weed, and are just not at all like the folks I'm used to.
After I adequately liquor up they tell me we are all going back to the creeper with long hair's apartment.
Not that again.
FML can I just go back to the hotel? It's next door to the bar and I am checked the fuck out of all of this.
I go to creepers house. Rami grabs me a blanket because I'm shivering and I curl up on this couch, talking to no one, and cover my head to try and sleep amidst the chaos of 20 loud ass middle eastern folks.
Then they start chanting, "Elle, Elle, Elle!"
Ugh, leave me alone. How can I get out of here?
I text Bestie, "can I call you? I need to pretend you called me, walk outside, wait for an uber and GTFO."
We execute the plan and I am outta there.
I say nothing and just flee.
30 minutes later he calls, "where are you!?!"
"what?! why didn't you tell me you were leaving?!"
"it's your birthday, i didn't want to bother you"
"elle, I am coming back, see you soon!"
He comes back, takes a shower to rid himself of smoke, brushes his teeth and crawls into bed.
I told him I felt uncomfortable and just wanted to leave. Simple as that. He undresses me and we have a lot of really amazing sex and pass out.
No point not enjoying my last night with him just because I don't like his friends.
We awoke at 7am and he dropped me at the airport. I am in Denver awaiting my flight to DC.
He called me, snapped me, facetimed me. He wants to come see me in DC. He's a sweet guy, and a beautiful man. The sex is on point. But he needs to grow up, that is really all there is to it. My California love affair was wonderful and it reminded me how much I love PDA and being around someone who is so warm and loving. It also reminded me how stable and amazing XF is. Why can't I seem to find both?
Now onto Antonio.
I fell asleep on the plane and woke up thinking about him.
The second I landed in Denver, "how was your reunion?"
"Well, hello. IDK just spent Friday and Saturday together. Think we are probably going to give it another shot - she is 100% in, I'm a little on the fence, but not entirely sure why. Didn't even hook up last night...but because of me."
"Well, I'm happy for you. I know you wanted to wind back up together."
"Probably not what you wanted to hear, I know. But still wallowing in indecision."
Then he tells me he wasn't into the sex with her this weekend. Well, I know that feeling all too well. When you have a sexual connection with someone else (me) and you go back to what you had before, it's not gonna be the same and it's not going to be as good. Happened to me with XF and I knew instantly, this sucks more than usual because I've gotten kinda used to Antonio.
Later in the convo I say, "I may be wrong but I think if you were a little more over her, you might want to actually date me...."
"I hesitate to answer that...but you may not be too far off."
Stellar. We could have a fighting chance at something legit but he's too scared to move forward thus he's gonna run back.
I get it, more than most would. But being the second choice, really fucking sucks. He realizes that too. He's like it really sucks when your fuck buddy ends up being amazing.
Yeah, likely way more amazing than your basic ass ex BUT hey, enjoy the boring sex and life of mediocrity?
I am few glasses of wine in right now (day drinking to pass the time, stop judging) so I am a litttttle bitchier than normal considering I don't usually drink and blog.
We might see each other tonight when I land. It'll be a game time decision, idk what good it'll do but I do need/want to see him. I also desperately need to shower the scent of Rami off my body before that happens.
Side note - Arash is picking me up from the airport. Looks like someone missed their roomie. Sadly, that feeling wasn't mutual.
OH and XF and I had a come to Jesus chat. We aren't in love anymore. We both know it. If this is gonna work, we gotta fall back in.
Is anything ever going to be fucking simple? Hot damn.
I've got the human I want in Antonio. The looks I want in Rami. The success and ambition I want in XF. The memories I want in Nate.
WHY CAN'T I HAVE IT ALL?
A frustrated and slightly drunk Elle.