I can promise you are not ready for what you are about to read.
It's a lonnnnnng one so grab a glass of wine/a bottle and get comfy.
Remember my tinder toad dinner party last Thursday? Well I invited my girlfriend Megan to join too. I met her through Antonio one night and we just clicked. She recently moved here from Boston and just got out of a relationship/back on the the Tindersphere.
So her and I go out last night and meet up with Antonio and his friends at a sports bar. She starts telling me about her recent escapades and mentions that she fucked a guy last week who knows both Arash and I.
Elle: "Is he Jewish?"
Megan: "YES! With a super small dick?"
Elle: "I haven't seen it yet so IDK."
I whip out my phone, pull up Velcro's Tinder page and BAM, it's him.
Elle: "HOLY FUCK YOU FUCKED HIM LAST WEEK!? DO YOU REALIZE THAT IS VELCRO FROM THE BLOG?!" (shes an avid reader)
Megan: "OMG that is HILARIOUS! Don't fuck him, it's not worth it at all and he's got all this Jewish stuff around his room, it was really intense."
So let's step back for a sec.
Elle: "How did he know that you knew me??"
Megan: "I left your dinner party Thursday and he asked me what I was up to and I mentioned I was at my friend Elle's for dinner. He asked if Elle's roommate was Arash and I said yes."
Elle: "So he damn well knew that we were friends BEFORE you fucked him..."
Megan: "Yeah, I told him I was leaving and he told me to swing by his place real quick and I was horny so I did."
THIS MOTHERFUCKER THEN GOES ON DATE 2 WITH ME THE FOLLOWING NIGHT, TRIES HIS HARDEST TO GET ME TO SLEEP WITH HIM, ALL THE WHILE KNOWING HE FUCKED MY FRIEND THE NIGHT PRIOR.
Goes to show -- trust your fucking intuition. I KNEW I didn't want to sleep with him, I just had that feeling and I couldn't shake it. His kissing skills also didn't do him any favors.
Elle: "Did he do the really fast tongue thing when he kissed you too?"
Megan: "OMG, YES!!!! Torpedo tongue, it was nasty!!!"
(Mind you, Antonio is next to me listening to this entire story)
SO Megan and I take a selfie and send it to Velcro at the same time. I caption mine, "I'm just gonna leave that here..."
OH and this motherfucker asked me at 2pm for a date last night. Uhhhh it's a Friday, you think I have no plans and you can last minute ask me out? You and your Velcro shoes can fuck right off.
He replies to my text with...
"Amazed it took you guys this long"
Later in the evening when recounting this story to double trouble and Mia I decide to send him a text.
"Sooooo you fuck a close friend of mine then try to fuck me the night after damn well knowing what you did the night before...you're a dick."
He writes back this longggggg BS response that I don't reply back to.
This AM I reply, we get into it, and FINALLY this ass hat apologizes.
You aren't a dick for sleeping with someone else. You are a dick for KNOWING it was my friend and then just twiddling your fucking thumbs til I figured it out. "Amazed it took you so long" -- THAT statement right there is why you're a dick.
Your Velcro shoes, micro penis, and lack of brain are officially no longer my problem.
Thank you Megan for the BEST get out of jail free card.
So you think this is where the debauchery ends but ohhhhh no. This is just getting started.
Megan dips out, Double Trouble shows up, and Antonio is feeding us drinks....
I keep saying I'm gonna stop doing that yet somehow every weekend we find a way to do the opposite.
He was day drinking for SPD, we start snap texting, he asks where I'm headed, tells me to meet up at the place he's at, since I'm going out with Megan I figure why not, she is his friend.
So like I said, he keeps buying us drinks. The perfect recipe for an Antonio/Elle disaster.
He swears he hasn't read the blog but is quite curious to see what's been going on BUT he prefers to hear about my life directly from me vs a website.
I tell him that he's been "rebranded" on the blog.
I whip out yesterdays post, he stares for a few minutes...
"I don't get it? A fun mistake?"
"The night after we fucked in a bathroom you referred to us hooking up as a fun mistake."
"I SAID THAT?! IN PERSON?"
"No, via snap text."
"Yeah so I re-named you so I wouldn't forget where we stand."
"I'm sorry Elle, I am an idiot"
Tellllll me something I don't know.
"So wtf is up with you and the ex?"
"Well, she's staying at my place all weekend but she has plans and is barely going to be around so she told me to hangout with my friends."
"Interesting....Hows the sex?"
"We don't have sex. My sex drive has dried up."
"I find that very hard to believe."
I mean I get it, thinking about fucking XF these days dries me right on up too. I wish it didn't, I wish he was part of the magnum club, but you really can't have it all.
"She also hates cuddling. Wants her own side of the couch and bed."
This clown LOVES to cuddle. I don't think I've ever met a guy who liked it more. We'd fall asleep snuggled and literally wake up in the same form. How in the world is he going to survive without physical touch and sex?
But hey, what do I know.
So fast forward....we wind up at Antonio's friends apartment. It's four fellas, double trouble, and I.
We are playing drinking games, drinking way too much, and having a genuinely good time.
That's when the PDA picks up and Antonio is all over me. Thennn we are kissing. Thennnn he suggests we repeat our bathroom rendezvous to which I drunkenly say NO to. (Go Elle, Go Elle) I mean I definitely wanted to, sex with him is sooooo damn good. But back on topic.
His ex is back at his place, he's at his friends spot with me...what the fuck are you doing A?
I see him send a selfie of the beer pong table and himself and shoot him an amused glance...
"Ex doesn't like being ignored apparently."
Then I think it's a brilliant idea to tell the entire room that Antonio's ex is ugly and I am way hotter and IDK why he's still playing this game.
JESUS ELLE JUST DROP IT. DON'T BE SUCH A BITCH. SOMEONE SHUT ME UP.
So mean girl I can't even handle it. But whatever.
So finally we go to depart and before we walk out we are kissing yet again. This is annoying. He could come back to my place but then his ex is gonna be wondering where the fuck he is and that's a whole new can of worms. I can't go to his place because there is another girl IN HIS BED. WHAT THE FUCK. So he says we can share an uber and he'll just hop out early (we did that bathroom sex night too) well that leads to all the backseat make out sessions and after drunk analyzing the fact that his ex is in his bed I just dip off and jump in an uber with no goodbyes to double trouble or Antonio.
DT texts me, "WTF!!!"
Antonio texts me, "I was calling uber!"
Then I start drunk rambling on about his ex and how stupid this all is and how we should be together. I don't know exactly what I said because I was 1. wasted 2. deleted the evidence but EW LORD. Drunken insecurity about being the "other woman" realllllly fucked with my head.
Lemme clear up a few things.
1. They aren't officially back together, still in a working phase - much like XF and I (I guess?)
2. We get along so well, we have so much fun (even when we aren't drinking) and the chemistry is undeniable. When I am with him, I want to be on top of him. It just fucking works and for me, that doesn't happen often.
3. I like all of his friends, he likes mine, I like that
4. Guys like Velcro make it even harder to quit guys like Antonio
So I texted A this morning apologizing for whatever I said and smoothed that shit out.
Okay so you think we are done now, right?
In the world's longest uber ride last night I start texting XF. (Mind you it's 3am, 12am CA time)
(He read them all, replied to none)
Was along the lines of...
"I hate that sex with you is so shitty, I want to be fucked ferociously and you just aren't good. I want someone who has fun at galas and I have one next Friday and last year you ruined it and I hate that about you. I wish you weren't so opposed to social media, I feel hidden from the Armenians and I just wish you posted stuff about us so they'd see you were happy and maybe they would've left us alone then. I want all of these things and you don't provide them so good luck with the Armenians."
SOMEBODY CONFISCATE MY FUCKING PHONE.
I am not usually a drunk texter but last night I was clearly feeling some kinda way because my fingers were getting me into allllll kindsa shit.
I called XF today left an apology VM. I don't expect to hear from him...I don't expect anything after what I said. I do feel bad because ew, poor presentation Elle butttttt I do mean those things...& that's probably the worst part. I don't want to feel that way about him or anyone.
I ran into this guy at the bar last night. Such a creeper. No we didn't talk but he definitely saw me. Recap here. Fun fact - he is engaged now.
I made out with Megan. Megan lost a game of basketball at the bar and Antonio's bet was whomever lost had to make out with me. Nothing I haven't done before. Whaaaatever.
Chase texted me. Meh, his personality is so introverted but the sex was so good. What do I dooooo...
The rest I'll save for another day.
Happy Saturday friends ;) Hope your weekend isn't as exciting as mine.