I started this blog because my relationship exploded in May.
It is now October 15th.
(which reminds me, I successfully avoided online dating for one month, it flew by and felt AMAZING - give it a try!)
Anyhow - I wish I could say I was over the X factor. I really, really do. I am SO good at getting over people, it's kind of an incredible talent how I can turn an ex boyfriend into a friend with the snap of my fingers.
Not so much this time.
Am I losing my touch as I get older?
Or is this just actually the first time I've really been in love since my HS X who was a total pain in the ass to get over as well. (that took five fucking years - I kid you NOT. & ever since, I've been really good at cutting cords and walking away)
So this is just annoying. It is annoying to me, to my friends, to my family. I can't even talk about him anymore because he's become such a downer in my social settings. It sucks, sometimes I am REALLY FUCKING SAD and I have no one to call. I don't blame my friends for abandoning me on this ship, I know I am a broken record but damn, it's so hard to make someone understand how deeply you loved someone.
I also think there is a major distinction from "really loving" your HS boyfriend to "really loving" someone at the age of 27.
High school douche and I met when I was 15. We became friends, then dated for 2.5 years until I was 19 when he cheated on me ON MY BIRTHDAY. Yeah, what a stellar dude to be hung up on for FIVE YEARS.
I am proud to say, I never took my HS ex back. He tried reaaaaallllly hard for many, many years. Senior year of college he borrowed his dad's truck, drove eight hours in the snow to help me move out of my college house and into my new apartment in Washington DC where I was finishing my last semester. AND I STILLLLL WOULDN'T TAKE THAT DBAG BACCCCK.
Talk about driving a guy crazy. That winter, he would randomly show up at my house (I was living alone in my dad's enorme house that was down the street from his parents house) so he knew he could drop by anytime he wanted without my dad punching him. One night I was with another guy and had to shut all the lights off in the house so he' d go away. This actually happened way too often. My annual Xmas party that year I drank too much and fell asleep in bed with Tash - woke up in the AM to him asleep next to my bed on the floor, making sure no one entered my room. He was so territorial. That winter is when I no longer had any desire to hook up with him. Man, that was drama. SO sad I don't have the voicemail he left me on New Years Eve...COMEDY!
Everyone knew us as a duo though -- so it was hard for both of us to break free of that and keep our friends. & we loved each other, despite him cheating - I do know he adored/was mildly obsessed with me. The most passionate guy I know, now that I think back... Wait, why am I talking about him? Ew. Sorry.
We hadn't been together since month 2 of my freshman year. So that is just one great instance of the power I held over that piece of shit. He did a lot of things to make my life easier -- he was there when I needed him (most of the time) -- we had a lot in common -- most importantly, he stood up to his racist mom 100000% of the time. (Incase you missed an old post I wrote about this guy, he had a racist parent who sucked big times too.) So he wasn't allllll bad. Besides missing his flight for my birthday weekend, cheating on me with a fuggo B and then making me interrogate the truth out him for hours on the phone.
(PS somehow he is engaged and I'm not -- please let me know how THAT happened.)
BACK ON TRACK.
My current X factor has now decided to say FUCK YOU to his racist parents + brother. Oh yeah, I met his brother and it was a disaster but let's save that for another day/never. X now says, "I am going to marry you Elle!"
I kind of hate you for all the chaos your family brings to the table. For being a coward for our entire relationship. For not making that ^^^^ decision, a long DAMN time ago!!!!
But I still love him. And it frustrates me to no end. It's like a 50/50 battle. The ratio used to be more love/hate but now we are at 50/50 territory and it is THE WORST.
I'm so frustrated I workout 6-7x a week like a psychopath. I am not a gym person so this is a real change of persona. I just don't know how to handle my aggression with him in any other positive way. In May + June drinking excessively with friends was my coping mechanism but feeling like physical shit started to get old fast.
But I still want to marry him.
He just decided he wants to marry me instead of his mom so WHY do I still want to spend my life with this guy!?
Because when our life didn't revolve around his parents, he was insanely amazing. I know he'd be the best dad one day and there is some weird connection we have that I've never come close to having with anyone else. We have so many things in common and all my weaknesses (i.e. cooking, medicine, math) he is incredible at. We compliment each other. I am SUPER social, he is mildly social. (I dated the guy who was SUPER social/attractive/tall/successful (similar to myself) and he broke my nose and left me with a 5k bill and bruises for 3 months. True story - my life is a joke.)
Next point -
I am a very loving & passionate friend and family member. However, in the dating realm, I never really thought I'd be one of those people who fell crazily into love. The kind where logic goes out the window and you are just blissfully happy when thinking of such person. I am way too logical for love like that. Especially with a guy under 6ft tall who has hair everywhere besides his head. I loveeee tall guys with dark hair.
Then I met him. Week 3 of knowing him I told my mom, "I found the guy I am going to marry and I've never been more sure of anything." <--that is FUNDAMENTALLY not who I am!!!!
(I also wasn't aware of his racist roots at week 3, that happened at week 4)
SO to all my friends who hate me for being an idiot, I am sorry. I am sorry for the stupid shit I have done this summer, I never meant to upset you and I know I have. I know you guys want the best for me and you don't think he is it. I stopped talking about him, stopped writing about him and I truly have made genuine efforts to move forward AND I do believe I am moving forward without him. I feel stronger, mentally clearer and more motivated than ever now that 27 has arrived.
(sidenote- Cris texted today, "Hello beautiful! How is your week?" and informed he will be traveling the next ten days for work but can't wait to see me again when he returns. So there is THAT. Guess he is interested after all)
Moving on is a real bitch. Getting older only makes it harder. Falling in legitimate love is a curse/blessing I guess? (at least got some muscle out of it)
Whether we somehow wind up married one day or never speaking ever again, I know that God is going to handle it and get me through it. I just hope my friends don't hate me whichever way the cookie crumbles.