If you drink one of these after the age of 21, you're a complete loser. This is the signature underage college drink and under NO circumstances should it be consumed in adulthood.
Guess whose favorite drink that is?
The guys who called my dad Saddam Hussein the other weekend
She's going on and on about her DateLab experience with Ben Affleck who didn't quite look like Ben Affleck but all of her friends thought he was so hot and he thought she was so hot but she just didn't really feel any chemistry so she never talked to him again.
What started out as highly entertaining has now turned into the J show and I want to change channels.
She yammers on about how the publication, The Atlantic wants to write a story on dating apps and her friend wants to interview her for the story. "I immediately called Arash and asked if it was okay that I do the story!!" Oh joy, another reputation wrecking thing to follow you around on google! You're just so smart J, kudos to being an app dating pro! Once again, Sam and I are laughing and copiously drinking wine to hold back showing our OMFG you're an idiot faces.
At this point, Arash seems bored of her too. When Sam and I walked in to crash his date (mind you, we purely did this for blog material and entertainment) - Arash looked relieved that help had arrived.
REWIND - to before J showed up at our apartment for her date with Arash....
Do I sniff trouble in paradise?!?! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.
Acting nonchalantly cool and uninterested...."oh, what's wrong Arash?"
"I planned this date for tonight and I told her it was surprise and she's so fucking annoying and won't just accept that it's a surprise and go with it. She has to know EVERYTHING and I am sick of it. She's driving me crazy and i might break up with her."
BREAK UP? OMG YES PLEASE, WAAAAAHHHHH.
"Oh no, that sounds frustrating...." --nonchalant as F still. I learned a long time ago that the less you speak, the more a man will. It's a beautiful trick and works EVERY time.
"I figured out my out already though....When she meets my mom in a few weeks I will just tell her my mom didn't like her, my friends don't like her and I don't either."
"Oh shucks, but you justtttt got back together."
"You just can't change people Elle...they have to change themselves and she is still just as bad as before and so clingy!"
"Ohhhhh darn. Just as we were all getting to like her."
"Oh Elle, shut up you're so sarcastic!!!"
Mind you -this entire conversation happened as we were lying in my bed. He only hopped out of bed to go open the door for Empress J (that is actually how he saved her name in his phone, swear on my life).
I also decided to kill with kindness and say hi before they left. She looks at me and goes, "oh wow, you look pretty...." I wanted to say, thanks I know. But I just said thanks, not bad yourself - have fun guys!
Anyways back to the date crashing -- Arash & J peace out and Sam's roommate shows up with this insanely gorgeous girl who was as smart as a tootsie roll. This was even more entertaining but alas, I had a workout scheduled for 9:30am and needed some beauty sleep.
Sam & I depart, he agrees to be THE NEW CONTRIBUTING MALE WRITER for lifeisnotarom.com & our night is over.
Until my uber arrives, my heel gets stuck, I FACEPLANT into the pavement and my head starts to bleed profusely and I burst into tears. Thankfully Sam left before me and didn't witness this (somehow he & I always have some traumatic occurrence - I'll let him tell that story another time). So the girl I was UberPooling with and my driver run out and grab me, they get me ice from the bar, tissues for the blood streaming out of my head and take me home. I am SO embarrassed. I am not drunk, I wish I was drunk so I wouldn't feel my head pounding and the shame of being a clumsy idiot. Side note - I hate clumsiness. It is so damn unattractive when girls or guys are clumsy dumbasses and can't seem to function like a normal human. No, you're not cute because you "always" fall down the stairs or drop a drink or trip on air. NOT CUTE.
Finally I get home. I call X factor sobbing because I might've ruined my face and Arash & J are asleep which is of course good but I am secretly pissed Arash isn't able to help me in my time of need.
I wake up the next day and my head is beyond gross. To scare everyone, here's some photos.
I went to the gym yesterday and one guy goes, "damn, look at that chicks face, she's fucked up!"
I go to goodwill today, "damn shawty, stay warm and take care of that!"
YEAH I KNOW. I'M FULLY AWARE I LOOK DISGUSTING.
So now you know how my Friday night went. Hope yours was better.