Granted, this has been 15 months of my life. 15 months older. 15 months no closer to getting married and starting a family. 15 months....
The X factor taught me so much about WHO I want to marry. He embodied everything I wanted and so much more...but when things got really hard, tough decisions had to be made, he would rather push them off than make a choice and stick to it. My future husband has to put me before everyone else and X couldn't do it.
He showed me that I can have everything I want in a guy. Loving, adoring, funny, wealthy, successful, etc. I don't just have to pick two items on that list -- I can really have them all. Maybe I sell myself short by thinking I am not deserving of the whole list, but now I know -- I deserve it and I can find it.
And then after further thought -- he taught me I have only truly been in love once before him.
I've had a handful of very serious relationships...all of which we said "I love you."
My entire life I have mistaken
comfort + attraction + time = love
I kept wondering, "why the heck can't I just close the door on X factor and move forward like I have with everyone except my HS X? What makes these two different??"
What makes them different is that I felt it in my bones from the very beginning. It's the weirdest thing to try and explain but it was different. Time had no factor in the equation. We never got bored of each other. I was always so happy to see them, even if we had the worst fight. It was just this crazy feeling.
Every SINGLE guy I have dated in between my HS X and X factor has bored me. EVERY SINGLE ONE.
So now, I realize I have truly only been in love twice.
People who say, "love grows over time" aren't lying to you. It does grow over time. But the kind that I want is that gut feeling -- that gets stronger and stronger over time.
This is a big breakthrough. It sets the precedent for my future endeavors....and I hope that you all take something away from this too.
Don't go on 12 dates with a guy you just don't feel it with. If it's not there, it's just not.
Butterflies really do count.... I spent close to five years with my HS X and every time I saw him, I felt it. Even now - he is engaged and when we run into each other, I still get that butterfly/nervous feeling.
Don't sell yourself short. You get ONE shot to marry the right person. Don't fuck it up.