To add to my bitterness, I stumbled across some old emails yesterday from Liam that reallllly made me cringe. Why did I need to find those the Monday after dickhead#1's wedding? Isn't that enough torture for the month?
Back story on Liam incase you've forgotten - guy I lived with & almost married. He was really content with the simple life & I really wanted more. So I dipped out, moved back to the city & crushed him. I still feel awful about it. Oh, he's engaged to the girl after me now too.
These emails from when times were good are HEARTBREAKING.
I've honestly never felt guiltier. It's funny how you can block out things in your mind and just keep moving forward like it's NBD. This reminds me how much X factor sucks at discussing the future and emotions AND how good I had it before. Ugh, being young and stupid SUCKS. Now I am old & single. Super fails.
PSA:
Be prepared to either be bored out of your MIND or admit to yourself that I am the biggest bitch ever for breaking up with a guy THAT nice. I'll notate things so it all makes a little more sense. Fair warning, this email is LONGGGGGG.
----
5/7/2012
--
Elle!!! Oh, how I love you so...just sittin here at work and decided to correspond with my boo before getting started on a new project due later this week. In kind of a strange way, it helps me feel closer to you when I can actually get this stuff out on paper instead of just having it bounce around my head all day long.
Even though we didn't end up doing anything exciting/fun yesterday, I'm still glad we got a chance to devote the day to "us". As depressing/out of left field as that was, I'm sort of relieved that it's out of my system and I had a chance to clear the air. It's funny because I'm always the first person to tell someone not to bottle up their feelings/emotions and here I was being someone that could have used that advice the most. I just don't like that stale feeling we were having for such a long time and just how bad the situation was finally hit home at that particular time. (we were in a rut of doing absolutely nothing on the weekends and I was 23 at the time, bored out of my mind living this 35 year old life) You probably won't believe me on this, but I naturally am always feeling the need/want/desire to keep things progressive/interesting/exciting, but for whatever reason I lost focus of that and it wasn't only effecting me, but you as well.(I was depressed) I'm sure it has something to do with my unhappy work life leaking into my personal life, but since there weren't any clear cut signs for me, it was hard to see that coming. Especially since suppressing those feelings is obviously not the answer, no matter how minor I always make them out to be to you and myself.
It's funny how much can change in a year; I mean, not even. One minute I feel so proud of myself for being somewhat accomplished/established/conquering huge goals I had always set for myself and the next thing you know it's like my eyes have been opened to a whole new world that I didn't even know existed. Kinda silly to be saying that about something that some people have known all their lives, but it's just something that never even crossed my mind in years past; like, it was cool to dream about moving away or trying out a new city/state but could never be a reality.....not sure why I never thought I could make that a possibility on my own, it always seemed like such a foreign concept given that my family and I only moved once in my entire life and it was like 5 miles down the street :-/ but I certainly knew that when I found that one person that could show me the possibilities, I would finally feel what it was like to have the courage/confidence/motivation to make that leap.(like I said, content with status quo lifestyle) To have complete love/trust in someone would never make me second guess that decision because it would be about us starting a new life together; whether I was stepping away from family/friends/or whatever else was seemingly holding me down in any particular locale at the time. (we lived legit 3 mins down the street from his parents & brother & saw them 4-7x a week where as I've been on my own since I LEFT for college --he stayed local for that too so he really had zero exposure to the outside world)
It's funny/makes me a bit uneasy regarding your "forever is a long time" comment....
Back story on Liam incase you've forgotten - guy I lived with & almost married. He was really content with the simple life & I really wanted more. So I dipped out, moved back to the city & crushed him. I still feel awful about it. Oh, he's engaged to the girl after me now too.
These emails from when times were good are HEARTBREAKING.
I've honestly never felt guiltier. It's funny how you can block out things in your mind and just keep moving forward like it's NBD. This reminds me how much X factor sucks at discussing the future and emotions AND how good I had it before. Ugh, being young and stupid SUCKS. Now I am old & single. Super fails.
PSA:
Be prepared to either be bored out of your MIND or admit to yourself that I am the biggest bitch ever for breaking up with a guy THAT nice. I'll notate things so it all makes a little more sense. Fair warning, this email is LONGGGGGG.
----
5/7/2012
--
Elle!!! Oh, how I love you so...just sittin here at work and decided to correspond with my boo before getting started on a new project due later this week. In kind of a strange way, it helps me feel closer to you when I can actually get this stuff out on paper instead of just having it bounce around my head all day long.
Even though we didn't end up doing anything exciting/fun yesterday, I'm still glad we got a chance to devote the day to "us". As depressing/out of left field as that was, I'm sort of relieved that it's out of my system and I had a chance to clear the air. It's funny because I'm always the first person to tell someone not to bottle up their feelings/emotions and here I was being someone that could have used that advice the most. I just don't like that stale feeling we were having for such a long time and just how bad the situation was finally hit home at that particular time. (we were in a rut of doing absolutely nothing on the weekends and I was 23 at the time, bored out of my mind living this 35 year old life) You probably won't believe me on this, but I naturally am always feeling the need/want/desire to keep things progressive/interesting/exciting, but for whatever reason I lost focus of that and it wasn't only effecting me, but you as well.(I was depressed) I'm sure it has something to do with my unhappy work life leaking into my personal life, but since there weren't any clear cut signs for me, it was hard to see that coming. Especially since suppressing those feelings is obviously not the answer, no matter how minor I always make them out to be to you and myself.
It's funny how much can change in a year; I mean, not even. One minute I feel so proud of myself for being somewhat accomplished/established/conquering huge goals I had always set for myself and the next thing you know it's like my eyes have been opened to a whole new world that I didn't even know existed. Kinda silly to be saying that about something that some people have known all their lives, but it's just something that never even crossed my mind in years past; like, it was cool to dream about moving away or trying out a new city/state but could never be a reality.....not sure why I never thought I could make that a possibility on my own, it always seemed like such a foreign concept given that my family and I only moved once in my entire life and it was like 5 miles down the street :-/ but I certainly knew that when I found that one person that could show me the possibilities, I would finally feel what it was like to have the courage/confidence/motivation to make that leap.(like I said, content with status quo lifestyle) To have complete love/trust in someone would never make me second guess that decision because it would be about us starting a new life together; whether I was stepping away from family/friends/or whatever else was seemingly holding me down in any particular locale at the time. (we lived legit 3 mins down the street from his parents & brother & saw them 4-7x a week where as I've been on my own since I LEFT for college --he stayed local for that too so he really had zero exposure to the outside world)
It's funny/makes me a bit uneasy regarding your "forever is a long time" comment....
The thing is, that's the one thing in life that I'm absolutely sure of; I would never want to settle for anyone because life is short and being unhappy/unsure about the stability of a relationship every 5 minutes, etc. is not healthy. I think that's why I kinda got comfortable with you (in a bad way) so quickly. It was almost as if I was saying to myself "ok, the hard part is out of the way; you found an amazing girl that you can see spending the rest of your life with and now we're living together! Everything else is just a bunch of small details and they'll work themselves out eventually" and that obviously is a shitty way to maintain progression in life/love/happiness/etc. but things get stale with that mindset and there's almost nothing to look forward to (either personally or together). That's why things got to the point where they were; just that passive attitude was killing me/you/us all the same time :-(
Either way, I never second guess my decision with regards to me + you. Sure, I could have always waited/kept searching to eventually find someone who might be more established, or has a solid life plan, or has an easy life, etc. Unfortunately all that stuff is just a tiny piece of the puzzle; to find someone with a good heart, strong drive, good morals, places family first, etc. is so much harder to come by. That's why it's so easy to check "things" off a list but life experience/upbringing has way more value than a hefty bank account and easy living in my opinion. (referencing my lack of trust fund) Finding someone who will be that perfect teammate is of much more importance because if you can't make it through the small things there's no way you'll be able to survive life's bigger issues. That's why I appreciate all your "kicks in the butt" because you're not just pushing me towards greatness, you're motivating us to grow stronger and encourage each other...as a team. (I was always trying to boost his confidence to find a new job & make new life experiences because his existence seemed so small & he was so great)
That kinda brings me to the whole job thing. I'm really looking forward to spending all my free time this week getting my resume together and blasting it out to as many social/job/tech websites as possible; I mean, it's been a long time coming. It's almost embarrassing that I waited this long to make things happen. But this morning my mind started churning with all the different possible outcomes regarding that next step; if I land a big city job, that would be huge with regards to planning the next step with BOTH of us being closer to work, etc. But what if I get a job in X instead of Y? Z is obviously in the middle of both so it wouldn't make sense for me to pick any place but my house to live in given that circumstance, but I can't imagine you hanging around ANOTHER couple months/couple years/however long waiting for me to make the next jump to a nicer lily pad. Your decision to maybe move to the city by yourself at that point would obviously be valid; but our time together during the week, I fear, would be non-existent :-( I mean, I struggle with the fact that ANY amount of change in me/my career/our location might still not be enough to keep you happy as long as we're together. Maybe it's just that outward attitude and cockiness that you're more attracted to that just oozes out of some people. Maybe it truly is the fact that you don't want to see me waste away where I am now and you're looking to better my/our future by keeping me on my toes. It's just a different mindset I guess that some individuals have naturally, some fake poorly, and everyone else who's in between goes without paying any attention to. Who knows what will happen a month from now or a year from now, etc. but it was just a thought and figured I'd share.
lol at these past 11 months...talk about whirlwind. One second I'm clubbing and find myself surrounded with great opportunity given all the different types of people I'm meeting/getting to know ("badass" mode, as you put it lol) and then like a month later I'm practically married off and planning my new life in California with a new Persian chicka that I just couldn't live without :-D I mean, ball so hard that $hit crazy! But indeed, 11 months have come and gone so quickly, bringing with it great change and guaranteed future growth. By now you'd more than likely be on to the next one, given your "11 month curse" (love em and leave em at 11 months, thats my MO) but I guess I'm doing something right for you to see me in your future. Part of me wonders whether your 11 month curse is actually an 11 month itch though. As often as you've hopped from "one adventure to the next one" it kinda has me pondering that sentiment. I mean, anything is possible: maybe it'll turn out that you realize you don't wanna be tied down to one person forever or that you want to find a closer match. Maybe the idea of finding someone equally as entrepreneurial would be much more appetizing to start a family with. Maybe someone who is neutral on family/culture/religious values would make for a smoother upbringing for kids, so that you could theoretically start from scratch. I mean, it could turn out that given your age you want to experience things in life while being single/free spirited again for a while before deciding to settle down with someone that might be more "your speed" or is way more unattached to any on thing/place/person(s)/etc. for the time being. Aside from those possible interpretations, you might just focus highly on a different set of needs/wants/desires altogether that are plainly just different from conventional ways of how people live their lives/find happiness in reaching certain milestones. Trust me, it is PAINFUL for me to even mention all the different ways that would effect me & you working out in the end. But the worst part about it is, most all of that stuff I have no control over. (basically exactly what happened:( ) I know you have different ideas than me with regards to who you choose to let into/keep in your life, so ultimately the only person that can answer the question of self fulfillment, true happiness, spending an entire lifetime with someone, etc. is you. At a certain point it's not a question of trying hard/not trying hard enough, even after throwing caution and rational thought to the wind, but instead a gut feeling that you simply have or don't have at all.
Regardless, going back to your soup reference, I would never make myself change something that I truly stood for just to be more compatible with you. I wouldn't expect you to do that either, but it's great knowing that you value that team effort/give & take values of a relationship. I'm assuming that if it came to that it would obviously stick out as a "one way street" type of problem...and it would be waaay more of any issue in comparison to the stuff we get to share and talk about now. A huge upside to everything for me though is the fact that neither one of us has had to really bend over backwards to keep things on the straight and narrow. We live so great together and I'm very fortunate and proud to have such a happy little family involved in every day of my life. If you still lived in the city, would our relationship be "easier?" I'd imagine so, given that things that appear through living together/we talk over now simply wouldn't exist if we weren't such a big part of each others lives....I'm just thankful that we're both smart/compassionate/cognizant enough to work through these things now to prepare the best possible years of our lives together and as a family. (oh my god, I feel terrrrrible.)
The hardest part of all this is not being able to predict the future. If tomorrow I was given a one word answer to the question of will Liam and Elle make it the distance, I could live my life TODAY with no regret because I'd know that anything further, no matter which direction our paths would take, would be for the best. Uncertainty kills me though, but even given that fact I will begin to strive forward to make a better future for myself and as of right now that future includes you. Just the thought of that makes me smile...agonizing over something that I have no control over will just kill any/all motivation I have left for everything else that requires way more energy at this point so to maintain focus I just look forward to tomorrow by trying to live in the moment today.
It would be absolute silliness to even attempt to reply to anything that I've said so please don't take any of your precious time to do that love...I just look forward to seeing you later tonight and having some great conversation over wine and beer :-)
Love you Elle. You are truly the keeper of my heart and I could not be more thankful for the love and life that we share. (X factor would legit NEVER say something this heartfelt to me....ever.)
------------------
Is Liam too sweet? Is that why this didn't workout? Am I too much of a go-getting bitch? I promise, I have my nice moments - I really do...but sometimes my dreams, drive and motivation to get ahead in life vs stay in line with everyone else makes me a bitttt cutthroat and I was SO close to getting in line and doing the damn thing that I think I started to pull away/say things like, "forever is a long time"? Hard to remember how it all went down...Thank God time blurs memory, hellllo alzheimers.
Elle
Either way, I never second guess my decision with regards to me + you. Sure, I could have always waited/kept searching to eventually find someone who might be more established, or has a solid life plan, or has an easy life, etc. Unfortunately all that stuff is just a tiny piece of the puzzle; to find someone with a good heart, strong drive, good morals, places family first, etc. is so much harder to come by. That's why it's so easy to check "things" off a list but life experience/upbringing has way more value than a hefty bank account and easy living in my opinion. (referencing my lack of trust fund) Finding someone who will be that perfect teammate is of much more importance because if you can't make it through the small things there's no way you'll be able to survive life's bigger issues. That's why I appreciate all your "kicks in the butt" because you're not just pushing me towards greatness, you're motivating us to grow stronger and encourage each other...as a team. (I was always trying to boost his confidence to find a new job & make new life experiences because his existence seemed so small & he was so great)
That kinda brings me to the whole job thing. I'm really looking forward to spending all my free time this week getting my resume together and blasting it out to as many social/job/tech websites as possible; I mean, it's been a long time coming. It's almost embarrassing that I waited this long to make things happen. But this morning my mind started churning with all the different possible outcomes regarding that next step; if I land a big city job, that would be huge with regards to planning the next step with BOTH of us being closer to work, etc. But what if I get a job in X instead of Y? Z is obviously in the middle of both so it wouldn't make sense for me to pick any place but my house to live in given that circumstance, but I can't imagine you hanging around ANOTHER couple months/couple years/however long waiting for me to make the next jump to a nicer lily pad. Your decision to maybe move to the city by yourself at that point would obviously be valid; but our time together during the week, I fear, would be non-existent :-( I mean, I struggle with the fact that ANY amount of change in me/my career/our location might still not be enough to keep you happy as long as we're together. Maybe it's just that outward attitude and cockiness that you're more attracted to that just oozes out of some people. Maybe it truly is the fact that you don't want to see me waste away where I am now and you're looking to better my/our future by keeping me on my toes. It's just a different mindset I guess that some individuals have naturally, some fake poorly, and everyone else who's in between goes without paying any attention to. Who knows what will happen a month from now or a year from now, etc. but it was just a thought and figured I'd share.
lol at these past 11 months...talk about whirlwind. One second I'm clubbing and find myself surrounded with great opportunity given all the different types of people I'm meeting/getting to know ("badass" mode, as you put it lol) and then like a month later I'm practically married off and planning my new life in California with a new Persian chicka that I just couldn't live without :-D I mean, ball so hard that $hit crazy! But indeed, 11 months have come and gone so quickly, bringing with it great change and guaranteed future growth. By now you'd more than likely be on to the next one, given your "11 month curse" (love em and leave em at 11 months, thats my MO) but I guess I'm doing something right for you to see me in your future. Part of me wonders whether your 11 month curse is actually an 11 month itch though. As often as you've hopped from "one adventure to the next one" it kinda has me pondering that sentiment. I mean, anything is possible: maybe it'll turn out that you realize you don't wanna be tied down to one person forever or that you want to find a closer match. Maybe the idea of finding someone equally as entrepreneurial would be much more appetizing to start a family with. Maybe someone who is neutral on family/culture/religious values would make for a smoother upbringing for kids, so that you could theoretically start from scratch. I mean, it could turn out that given your age you want to experience things in life while being single/free spirited again for a while before deciding to settle down with someone that might be more "your speed" or is way more unattached to any on thing/place/person(s)/etc. for the time being. Aside from those possible interpretations, you might just focus highly on a different set of needs/wants/desires altogether that are plainly just different from conventional ways of how people live their lives/find happiness in reaching certain milestones. Trust me, it is PAINFUL for me to even mention all the different ways that would effect me & you working out in the end. But the worst part about it is, most all of that stuff I have no control over. (basically exactly what happened:( ) I know you have different ideas than me with regards to who you choose to let into/keep in your life, so ultimately the only person that can answer the question of self fulfillment, true happiness, spending an entire lifetime with someone, etc. is you. At a certain point it's not a question of trying hard/not trying hard enough, even after throwing caution and rational thought to the wind, but instead a gut feeling that you simply have or don't have at all.
Regardless, going back to your soup reference, I would never make myself change something that I truly stood for just to be more compatible with you. I wouldn't expect you to do that either, but it's great knowing that you value that team effort/give & take values of a relationship. I'm assuming that if it came to that it would obviously stick out as a "one way street" type of problem...and it would be waaay more of any issue in comparison to the stuff we get to share and talk about now. A huge upside to everything for me though is the fact that neither one of us has had to really bend over backwards to keep things on the straight and narrow. We live so great together and I'm very fortunate and proud to have such a happy little family involved in every day of my life. If you still lived in the city, would our relationship be "easier?" I'd imagine so, given that things that appear through living together/we talk over now simply wouldn't exist if we weren't such a big part of each others lives....I'm just thankful that we're both smart/compassionate/cognizant enough to work through these things now to prepare the best possible years of our lives together and as a family. (oh my god, I feel terrrrrible.)
The hardest part of all this is not being able to predict the future. If tomorrow I was given a one word answer to the question of will Liam and Elle make it the distance, I could live my life TODAY with no regret because I'd know that anything further, no matter which direction our paths would take, would be for the best. Uncertainty kills me though, but even given that fact I will begin to strive forward to make a better future for myself and as of right now that future includes you. Just the thought of that makes me smile...agonizing over something that I have no control over will just kill any/all motivation I have left for everything else that requires way more energy at this point so to maintain focus I just look forward to tomorrow by trying to live in the moment today.
It would be absolute silliness to even attempt to reply to anything that I've said so please don't take any of your precious time to do that love...I just look forward to seeing you later tonight and having some great conversation over wine and beer :-)
Love you Elle. You are truly the keeper of my heart and I could not be more thankful for the love and life that we share. (X factor would legit NEVER say something this heartfelt to me....ever.)
------------------
Is Liam too sweet? Is that why this didn't workout? Am I too much of a go-getting bitch? I promise, I have my nice moments - I really do...but sometimes my dreams, drive and motivation to get ahead in life vs stay in line with everyone else makes me a bitttt cutthroat and I was SO close to getting in line and doing the damn thing that I think I started to pull away/say things like, "forever is a long time"? Hard to remember how it all went down...Thank God time blurs memory, hellllo alzheimers.
Elle
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