The New York Times article, which I highly recommend you read - gives us the double edged reasonings behind disappearing on someone vs telling them you're just not that into them.
First off they tell us - who is doing it? (silently raising my hand)
"The term has already entered the polling lexicon: In October 2014, a YouGov/Huffington Post poll of 1,000 adults showed that 11 percent of Americans had “ghosted” someone. A more informal survey from Elle magazine that polled 185 people found that about 16.7 percent of men and 24.2 percent of women had been ghosts at some point in their lives."
This article caused a raucous. And led to an insane amount of comments -
"Some called it rude, cowardly and immature, while others suggested that it’s necessary in certain situations, such as those in which one person feels endangered. Many readers shared their own stories of ghosting and being ghosted."
Sadly Mia was just ghosted on by a guy she had a great time with. Two dates, lots of chemistry, great conversations, then.........
a whole lot of nothing.
She was rightfully upset and disappointed.
Because I am way too well versed in ghosting or being ghosted, I told her she needs a thicker shell because this shit happens ALL THE TIME.
Honestly, I have considered telling guys straight up - "you're a douchebag, a total waste of life and I never want to meet/see you again" but that leads to hostility and arguments which is a waste of my time. So disappearing and leaving them clueless is just easier. Most of the time...
God forbid we all act like adults and say "hey, it was fun but I don't see a future with you". And even if people did do that more often -- would that really make you feel any better? It still provides no solid reasoning as to WHY the person doesn't think you're a good fit & you seem semi-lame if you ask why he/she lost interest, SO what is there to gain?
For some, the closure of it all helps. I know Mia prefers a guy to straight up say goodbye + give a damn good reason.
If I got attached to someone, I'd like a goodbye too but I never allow that to develop until we are way past the initial dates. However I am jaded, so I get that it's different for everyone.
One of the girls in the story cited, "It happens to me so often that I’ve come to expect it, people don’t hold themselves accountable anymore because they can hide behind their phones."
I totally agree that in modern day dating, we are ALL hiding behind our phones. Hell, we are pretty much in exclusive relationships with our cell & It's beyond frustrating. Dating apps make 'dating' all too convenient, it's easier for me to find a new tindertoad than it is to order a pizza.
This is the world we live in now. Your next date is just a swipe away. Tired of your boyfriend or husband? Well, theres an app for that and he too can be replaced in the blink of an eye.
So back to our original conundrum...
To ghost or not ghost?
My rule of thumb:
If the person is a decent human being, be honest/straight up with him
If the person is a complete tool and you know honesty will only lead to drama, ghost on them and let them wonder...silence is a real ego killer.
(Side note: I ghosted HARD on Nate, he's texted me 6x and received 0 replies - I know at the very least, his ego took some kind of hit and I avoided a pointless fight)
ta ta for now,
Below: a few reader comments from the NYT article...Guess us "ghosters" are truly assholes.
"My first initial reaction to the term and meaning of "ghosting" was to laugh. It seems taken out of bad high school dating tales only now, it seems, in our age of social technology, stand as a sad commentary on human cowardliness. It would be so easy to blame reality TV, online dating apps such as Tinder, social media and the brevity of Twitter, or rampant consumerism now spread to relationships but, if one wants to be honest, "ghosting" is just a synonym for rudeness. There is no excuse to disappear. Man-up, woman-up. There is always a better way, a simple way, which is to be respectful and truthful. Perhaps then we may have hope for a better future."
"Yuck. I admit to having done this a few times as young man, but now I cringe at the lack of compassion I showed at that age for women who couldn't figure out what had happened to me or what would cause my silence. And I was on the receiving end, too, of this sort of treatment more than once. It felt awful. I can't believe an emotionally mature adult would justify this kind of anxious, emotionally dissociated and frankly cruel behavior."
"I actually left the town where we had met, and to this day, I get phone calls and texts and emails from her. But so it goes. I just ran across this article. It reminded me of her, and if she reads this article, I have no doubt I’ll be hearing from her soon, given she has a new approach: “Why are you ghosting me?” Because I don’t like you. Please stop stalking me. There is no friendship. Go find someone new to whine about and leave me alone."