I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!
So after that super fun blow up with XF regarding NYE, here's what transpired and left me feeling insanely guilty.
Email 1: Elle to XF
Since our convo was abruptly ended, few things. (he hung up on me)
Please do not take this as me trying to hurt you directly, I swear to God that isn't my intention.
Jake & his friends coming are because they're a fun group of people and because we've all become friends with them. This is not a romantic, do me at midnight invitation. I ended things with Jake in that sense on Halloween. I've seen him recently and it's not weird, we don't hookup, it's just chill. (Okay, so I kinda lied but I AM STILL SINGLE PEOPLE, I don't have to disclose every damn thing I do)
1. I didn't invite you to NYE because I didn't want drama with that situation & you've made it clear that if we get back together, my friendship with him& his friends is over - I respect that.
2. I am not ready to bring you back into my social life. I've told you this. Until we are decided that we are 100%, (that means ring is on my finger) I'm not going to do it. I want my time with you to be time between US, not with the peanut gallery and their opinions. I am keeping US private this time around, I hope you can understand that/not take offense to it. I still haven't told anyone about Dallas. (well, besides the blog- my roomie has no idea still)
In an ideal world, I'd love to be spending NYE together, engaged. But we broke up and aren't there yet now. So I am giving you the time you need to work on things and I am staying unattached and focusing on myself right now.
Like I've said many times, I DO NOT want a boyfriend or a relationship. With you or anyone else at this moment. (not lying)
When the time is right, we will know. If the time doesn't come, we'll also know it's time to move on from each other.
That being said -
I see my future with you and you are the ONLY guy I have ever been able to envision a LIFE with (and you know I've dated ALOT) so please, don't forget that.
XF To Elle
Just please put yourself in my position. I'm going to be hanging out alone on New Years, one of my favorite holidays, knowing you're hanging out with others having a good time. More importantly, you'll be hanging out with another guy that you've been hooking up with - irregardless if you're just friends now.
You always tell me how important holidays are to you and how we can never get them back. Well we have a perfect opportunity to hang out during this one so we don't have to miss spending it together.
You were ok with me coming down and hanging out with you guys over xmas. Adi, one of my biggest critics, was there and that didn't seem to bother you. From my perspective it looks like this: you needed me to cook for you guys over xmas so you invited me - as you said it was 70% beef Wellington, 30% me. For New Years, you don't need anything from me. Makes me feel like I'm being used.
What upsets me more is we're supposed to be working on bettering us for OUR future together. You keep saying that you want a future with me. If that's the case, we should be spending these moments together even though we're not "an item".
What if I told you...Elle, sorry I can't hang out with you bc I'm taking an Armenian girl I've been talking to and hooking up with out as my date to a New Years party. I'm certain that would piss you off.
I've always trusted you and let you do as you please. The last thing I am is insecure. I just don't like the feeling that I'm being played. Respect was one of the items on the list you made me read - I feel disrespected that you continue to hang out with him when I've told you I'm not cool with it. I don't care about everyone else. You don't want me there bc I've messed up in the past and you want to avoid the drama this time around? Fine. Hang out with all your other friends - just not him.
All of this comes down to principle. You should be wanting to spend these moments with me - you always get mad at me when we spend a holiday apart.
I hope you understand how I feel.
2. The beef wellington thing was a total joke, I wanted you there but I was nervous. I didnt expect Adi and his gf, I invited them but they said they'd be going to Mediterranean for dinner so I figured it was just going to be you, mom, Arash and I -- like last year. Had I known they were coming, I would've gotten them Xmas gifts. I was not using you. You know I don't like food enough to hurt someone to get it. I did all of Thanksgiving by myself, I know I am perfectly capable of a beef wellington or any other food my heart desires.
3. Im not taking a Persian guy as a date. I AM NOT TAKING A DATE. I AM 100000 percent SOLO. JAKE IS NOT MY DATE, FOR ANYTHING. Your analogy of some Armenian girl doesn't really work.
4. Where the F were you for my past two birthdays XF? I THINK MISSING A BIRTHDAY TRUMPS NEW YEARS EVE. How about missing two in a row? I didn't miss yours, not once, not EVER. Moments that should've been spent together but weren't because you were too weak to start living for yourself. Memories we will never get back.
Well, I am not ready for ALL of my friends + you to be back in the same boat. I don't want the questions, I don't want to give the answers, I don't want to fucking deal with it. Majority of my friends don't think we talk anymore, don't think we see each other, don't think theres a chance in hell I'd ever take you back because for two solid years, you kept breaking my heart. NYE isn't the time to start explaining.
5.I see your point and I am sorry but this situation we are in is because of your indecision. I'll pray next year you are with me on my 29th birthday, Christmas and NYE.
"All of this comes down to principal." You took two months off, didn't try to get me back, didn't know what you wanted, weren't ready/on the same page as me when I was 10000% on board and ready to fight my fucking heart out for you/deal with ANY consequence that came my way. Now, these are the consequences for those actions.
I am not ready to do this together yet. I wanna be sure about us before I do this all over again. I'm sorry this isn't what you wanted to hear.
There ya'll have it. Isn't honesty so much fun? Could my life be anymore dramatic? It makes me LOL thinking that there is an entire blog of material on the chaos that is my day to day life.
Is everyone's life this complex?? I always wonder...
Anyways, I hope I've provided some form of entertainment to you in 2016. God knows its been a fucking rollercoaster.
What do I do now?
I don't want to close the door to XF...1. I do love him 2. He's my best "match" out of anyone I've dated (we want the same things at the same time which obv. is important when half the time you can't get a guy to text you back) 3. He sucks at emotionally connecting & that leads to not connecting in bed but if we can freaking fix that, the rest of my qualms can be dealt with 4. I am not ready to decide because right now, nothing feels "right" 5. How was I ever so damn sure? I miss that feeling of just "knowing", I guess because this has been such a rocky road, the more you fall off the wagon, the more you begin to question things? 6. Will I ever know? 7. If I don't marry him, can I find a boyfriend who I like who will actually text me back? (I kid, I kid....) 8. They say you shouldn't marry for "love" because that is a feeling and feelings can change based on anything, you should marry for respect, common interests, etc and let love just be one aspect - not the whole aspect....Well, XF and I have the other shit sooooo do we just toss sex off the table and I learn to deal?
Clearly, 2016 has confused the hell out of me. I am no closer to knowing what to do this year than I was last year. Actually, I might be even more confused. As we approach five months of being broken up, a lot has changed...Definitely our longest hiatus...If this is what marriage is like, DAMN this is gonna be hardwork.
Sorry for rambling.