My ex Liam is engaged to the girl he dated after me. I was always 50/50 as to whether he'd actually propose. He told me not too long ago that he felt, "you should marry the person you can't live without, and I think I could live without Jaime."
Clearly that's changed, which is fine. But I can't lie and say I don't have regrets when I think of him.
I got the text from my best friend last night and instantly my heart sank, my stomach felt ill and tears began to stream down my face.
He was hands down the best boyfriend I have ever had. So kind and thoughtful, loved by my family, my clients, friends, etc. He is genuinely a great person. So great that he's only ever slept with three people in his life and he is a great looking, super tall guy. He has a moral code and he always stands by it.
He would bring me flowers every single week, make my coffee before I woke up, get me gas because he knew I hated doing it, peel my pomegranates, etc.
One time he picked my bestfriend and I up from the airport and he brought us both big bouquets of lilies (my favorite flower).
We broke up because I was 22 and a huge idiot. I wasn't ready for the serious relationship I was in. He was ready to propose. We lived together. This was no small relationship. In fact, it was the most important one of my life thus far.
And I broke his heart one night in November, sitting on his couch as I read him the letter I wrote to end things.
Referencing things that we were on two different pages, I had big goals in life and I felt he didn't want the same lifestyle I wanted and that I needed some space but that I could see us together down the road once we had both grown.
Well, I grew, he grew, and he met Jaime. When he first met her she was used strictly to make me jealous. He promised me that no one would interfere with our friendship and if she had an issue with that, she'd have to hit the road. (I still have that email)
She had an issue with it but he stayed friendly for a long time...we'd go to dinner, grab drinks, facetime, had dinner with my mom, etc. Not all the time, but enough that we still felt connected. Then one day, it all halted.
A few months passed and we'd exchanged a few texts here or there -- nothing too major. I met the X factor, had the best month ever with him, then he dropped the bomb that his parents were racist and he wasn't ready to date a non-Armenian, that same night I sent this email to Liam. I told myself, it's now or never and I don't want to lose Liam for life. (X-factor and I had an amazing 4th of July weekend, he dropped the bomb on the 6th and this email was sent on 7/6/14)
So I know I am not supposed to say or do this but in order to have any kind of sanity/closure, I need to.
I still care about you, I want more than anything to give "us" another chance, I've never felt the way I feel about you, i don't think i ever will and I wish I was older when I had met you so my growing pains would've been out of the way. I know you have a girlfriend and you are happy. I am happy that you are happy. I don't expect anything from this email - but I need to get it off my chest so that I can just move on with my life knowing that I told you.
I've fought the feeling for a very long time and I am no idiot - I know that you've moved on. Just know I needed to say this and I expect no response, I just mentally have to know that the words have escaped my head and have entered yours. And if you ever change your mind, I promise I won't make the same mistakes I made before.
I wish you the best Liam, I am glad we are friends. I will likely always love you. Even if, simply as a friend. I just had to say this because I think if I don't, I won't ever be able to let someone else really love me until I can let go of you.
Enjoy Greece. Never settle for less in life - in any aspect.
I miss you."
He was in Greece visiting family when I sent this and I did it strategically so that he could read what I had to say without her sitting next to him.
He never responded but we did see each other afterwards and have spoken many times since.
But now, the door is truly closed. He has made the decision, the statement and bought the ring.
I hope he's happy. I hope he isn't settling due to age, being comfortable, his family liking her, etc.
I definitely have regrets.
I wish I'd met him now, not then.
Jaime is definitely one lucky girl.
and I kind of hate her.
A Sad Elle