His reply:
In regards to living together, I told you I'd like one of two options - and these are the only options I see feasible. 1) We live together in DC, with one apartment, and I do the commute every day. When needed, I would get a hotel room in xyz or crash somewhere for a night. 2) We both have places in our respective cities and I spend Fri, Sat, and Sunday night with you - and on weeks when I'm not on the consult service (the busiest and most intense), I make it a point to come down at least one time in the middle of the week. I don't like the idea of renting a bedroom in a house with a bunch of strangers - the thought of living with people I do not know at the age of 32 is NOT appealing. I feel this is a compromise as I'd be spending 4/7 nights with you in DC. I sense your biggest concern is being able to afford something in the xyz neighborhood/having something big enough/having a place that's "ours". If I'm there every weekend, I will definitely have a lot of stuff there. I've looked into multiple other apartment buildings in xyz that I would consider living in and the cheapest available is less than 150 less than what I'm paying now. This is not worth moving for. I could cancel my parking in UW and use those savings in addition to further contributions to help pay for the place in DC. These are compromises that I'm willing to do. As I've said, I do NOT want to live with random people or be holed up in an old row home.
I'm sorry that Greece did not work out. It's a country I've always wanted to visit. There will be many opportunities in the future to travel all around the world - this hellish process I've embarked on is almost over and hopefully we'll be able to see the benefits soon. In regards to Miami, you're right I can study while I'm there. I'm just really nervous about this test and don't want to fail then look back and say "man, if i hadn't gone to miami would I have passed?". I will be able to study there as long as I'm not distracted. I also don't want you to be disappointed if I don't hang out/am not fun during the day. I don't plan on studying all night, as you correctly pointed out I currently don't, so we'd have plenty of time to explore then./ I've been ok with going and have been waiting for you to send me the flight info like you said you would. You found the flights for $144 and I thought that is what we were going to do.
In regards to the sex, its definitely something we still need to work on.
On other notes, it upsets me when you tell me I'm not making any efforts to further this relationship and to turn us around and get us on the right track. I've been working really hard on changing who I am as a person and not doing things that upset you. As you've pointed out, therapy has done wonders and you like the new XF you see. It also really upsets me when you complain about me not being "affectionate" or being cute and lovey/dovey with you. You made this point last Friday night. I feel I'm a lot more physical with you in public and show a lot more PDA than i used to.
Over the past few months, I've made many many changes to help improve us. I don't talk back as much, I pay attention, I focus, I live in the moment, I'm more open publicly with my affection, I don't talk about sports, the Warriors have taken a back seat, I listen to you, I don't try to problem solve, I don't team up with Arash against you, I'm always supporting you, and I don't poke/try to rile you up as much. I continue to go to therapy to keep working on these skills. However, I feel none of this is enough for you. You keep asking for more and more and more. My concern is these demands will never end and I'll never be able to satisfy you the way you desire. Instead of looking at the big picture, I always feel you're nitpicking with what I do. I'm always trying to be careful with what I say/how I say it because I don't want to offend you. The way I say things gets turned and used against me, when in reality, I mean no harm with what I say. It has become very frustrating b/c I feel I live/walk on pins and needles around you, in constant worry that I'm going to do/say something that upsets you. It's really tough.
Yes, I've brought a lot of faults to the table, but I'm wholeheartedly working on fixing them. You have faults too, but I accept them and don't complain about them. You know I'm working hard to better everything, so please give me a little slack on some things.
I love you.
Le SIGH.
My reply:
I understand your views and I respect them.
I am dropping living together and traveling. Yes, it'd be nice to have a larger apartment for next year - you hated my old apartment (and weren't shy in expressing that) so I am trying to avoid that if you are actually going to spend 3/4 days a week with me. But I will do my thing, you do yours, and we will see where it leaves us. I've expressed my unhappiness with the situation and that is all I can do.
I can sign my old apartment for $1895 right now. If I move back, I expect to hear zero complaints about the parking, the commute, the size of the apartment. Deal?
I don't need the guilt of you doing poorly on boards blamed on me/Miami. You sit this one out, I've invited others and I already purchased my ticket.
The sex thing will improve when you make the effort that you talk about but never actually follow through on.
You have made a lot of changes, I'm sorry there are still things I'd like to see changed -- I am sorry I do things to upset you too but I have tried to be better/do better. I am always working on myself and will continue to do so.
Don't walk on eggshells. Be yourself. I simply ask you think before you speak (something I feel you rarely do). How you say something is almost more important than what you said.
I will continue to try and be better at the above as well.
So that was a USELESS exchange of words. Off to the gym to work off my dissatisfaction with EVERYTHING.
xo xo,
Elle
In regards to living together, I told you I'd like one of two options - and these are the only options I see feasible. 1) We live together in DC, with one apartment, and I do the commute every day. When needed, I would get a hotel room in xyz or crash somewhere for a night. 2) We both have places in our respective cities and I spend Fri, Sat, and Sunday night with you - and on weeks when I'm not on the consult service (the busiest and most intense), I make it a point to come down at least one time in the middle of the week. I don't like the idea of renting a bedroom in a house with a bunch of strangers - the thought of living with people I do not know at the age of 32 is NOT appealing. I feel this is a compromise as I'd be spending 4/7 nights with you in DC. I sense your biggest concern is being able to afford something in the xyz neighborhood/having something big enough/having a place that's "ours". If I'm there every weekend, I will definitely have a lot of stuff there. I've looked into multiple other apartment buildings in xyz that I would consider living in and the cheapest available is less than 150 less than what I'm paying now. This is not worth moving for. I could cancel my parking in UW and use those savings in addition to further contributions to help pay for the place in DC. These are compromises that I'm willing to do. As I've said, I do NOT want to live with random people or be holed up in an old row home.
I'm sorry that Greece did not work out. It's a country I've always wanted to visit. There will be many opportunities in the future to travel all around the world - this hellish process I've embarked on is almost over and hopefully we'll be able to see the benefits soon. In regards to Miami, you're right I can study while I'm there. I'm just really nervous about this test and don't want to fail then look back and say "man, if i hadn't gone to miami would I have passed?". I will be able to study there as long as I'm not distracted. I also don't want you to be disappointed if I don't hang out/am not fun during the day. I don't plan on studying all night, as you correctly pointed out I currently don't, so we'd have plenty of time to explore then./ I've been ok with going and have been waiting for you to send me the flight info like you said you would. You found the flights for $144 and I thought that is what we were going to do.
In regards to the sex, its definitely something we still need to work on.
On other notes, it upsets me when you tell me I'm not making any efforts to further this relationship and to turn us around and get us on the right track. I've been working really hard on changing who I am as a person and not doing things that upset you. As you've pointed out, therapy has done wonders and you like the new XF you see. It also really upsets me when you complain about me not being "affectionate" or being cute and lovey/dovey with you. You made this point last Friday night. I feel I'm a lot more physical with you in public and show a lot more PDA than i used to.
Over the past few months, I've made many many changes to help improve us. I don't talk back as much, I pay attention, I focus, I live in the moment, I'm more open publicly with my affection, I don't talk about sports, the Warriors have taken a back seat, I listen to you, I don't try to problem solve, I don't team up with Arash against you, I'm always supporting you, and I don't poke/try to rile you up as much. I continue to go to therapy to keep working on these skills. However, I feel none of this is enough for you. You keep asking for more and more and more. My concern is these demands will never end and I'll never be able to satisfy you the way you desire. Instead of looking at the big picture, I always feel you're nitpicking with what I do. I'm always trying to be careful with what I say/how I say it because I don't want to offend you. The way I say things gets turned and used against me, when in reality, I mean no harm with what I say. It has become very frustrating b/c I feel I live/walk on pins and needles around you, in constant worry that I'm going to do/say something that upsets you. It's really tough.
Yes, I've brought a lot of faults to the table, but I'm wholeheartedly working on fixing them. You have faults too, but I accept them and don't complain about them. You know I'm working hard to better everything, so please give me a little slack on some things.
I love you.
Le SIGH.
My reply:
I understand your views and I respect them.
I am dropping living together and traveling. Yes, it'd be nice to have a larger apartment for next year - you hated my old apartment (and weren't shy in expressing that) so I am trying to avoid that if you are actually going to spend 3/4 days a week with me. But I will do my thing, you do yours, and we will see where it leaves us. I've expressed my unhappiness with the situation and that is all I can do.
I can sign my old apartment for $1895 right now. If I move back, I expect to hear zero complaints about the parking, the commute, the size of the apartment. Deal?
I don't need the guilt of you doing poorly on boards blamed on me/Miami. You sit this one out, I've invited others and I already purchased my ticket.
The sex thing will improve when you make the effort that you talk about but never actually follow through on.
You have made a lot of changes, I'm sorry there are still things I'd like to see changed -- I am sorry I do things to upset you too but I have tried to be better/do better. I am always working on myself and will continue to do so.
Don't walk on eggshells. Be yourself. I simply ask you think before you speak (something I feel you rarely do). How you say something is almost more important than what you said.
I will continue to try and be better at the above as well.
So that was a USELESS exchange of words. Off to the gym to work off my dissatisfaction with EVERYTHING.
xo xo,
Elle
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