I know it was a bad idea.
I knew it was before it happened, I knew it would happen if I said yes to dinner & I still said yes.
So the idiot here is clearly me -
Maybe because I had such a promising date Tuesday, I felt subconsciously I was losing the X factor and that scared me? Or more so, he was letting me slip away? I'm honestly not very sure. X factor called right before my date, I said I am walking out the door, I can't talk - he asked where I was going, I said a date and hung up on him. BOOM. I hope that stings. (Also, X factor in my phone is saved as Coward, so I am constantly reminded)
Fast forward to after date - I text X factor - "I finally met a decent guy and the door for you is still cracked, but if you don't fix things with your parents by August 1, the door is really going to be closed and I am going to focus my energy 10000% on the new."
X factor then calls me crying. Mission accomplished I suppose? Promises me he's calling his mom to fight this out yet again, blah, blah, blah, blah. In my head, who needs parents in their life if the parents don't genuinely value his judgment and happiness?
Back on track..
I am dating, don't get me wrong - I am trying, I am going to Istanbul, I am really making an effort. But that doesn't change where my heart lies. Im struggling between mad love and bad blood. UGH.
I called my Dad on Tuesday night for his birthday and told him I finally had a good date. We are close and we discuss this stuff - he really liked the X factor until X factor was a coward. Anyhoo - my Dad said, "Be careful the photos you put on the facebook, X factor could see them and then you will never get back together." Awwwwl Daddy, still holding out hope that X factor will grow a pair and really stand up against those crazy rents of his. I tell my Dad, I still talk to X factor, he knows my friends, knows the guys in the photos aren't potential boyfriends and that X factor asked to take me to dinner Wednesday.
Dad gets SO mad. "What do you mean dinner?! He can't take you to dinner unless he is going to start making his own decisions!!!" And I know my Dad is right. He is completely right and I just am being reckless by even considering it. Dad likes X factor and he still doesn't approve of this. God forbid I tell my mom, she would lose it.
But it's sushi.
Sushi is my favorite....
This is my favorite sushi spot.........
Damn, X factor is SO good at this. He knows how to reel me right on in.
So all day Wednesday I fight myself. I know I am doing a disservice to this whole moving on with my life thing if I go to sushi. But it is just sushi. And he always pays + orders the best of the best + I miss him kind of a lot....
And Hamid hasn't texted me, cmon send me a text so I know I am making a horrible life decision & that you are interested.
Well, clearly I went.
And the sushi was DAMN good. Totally worth it.Kind of. Then we went on a romantical walk around a lake & had champagne and dessert at this cutsy french place.
He begged me to come to his place. I used ALL willpower and said no. He tried to entice me by a stop at my favorite gelato spot + popping a bottle of Veuve, my favorite champagne.
BUT there are hungry cats at my house and I have a long, long day tomorrow + I am trying to be skinny.
So logically, he drove to mi casa.
(We met in between our homes which are 1hr apart)
The kissing was great, I forgot how much I missed that.
Then we had sex. And it was....
Honestly, so bad. Not because he forgot how to do it but because I felt like I was letting myself down. Mentally, I was not into it. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I felt like crying (I didn't, don't worry) but it just sucked. SO MUCH.
I thought make up sex was supposed to be the best ever? Jenny McCarthy has a radio show on Sirius XM I listen to and she was discussing make up sex earlier in the day. I think that kinddddd of swayed me into it too...
Problem is - we aren't "making up". Nothing has changed. His parents are still crazy. Granted he hasn't spoke to them in weeks, trying to get them to cave and act like sane, loving parents. It doesn't help that he tells me things like, "I know if I don't find a way to make this work with you, I'll be alone forever because anyone else would just be settling and I am not willing to do that."
Ugh, major fail. Also, this being honest thing is really difficult. We both agree not to tell anyone in our lives that we met up because everyone will be mad. His friends mad at him for leading me down the rabbit hole(they all like me) and mine for obvious reasons.
Justifying things in my mind to myself is completely different than airing out the laundry like this. And I know some of my friends read this blog.
I leave next Wednesday for Istanbul. We need an ocean to separate us so I can stop making bad life decisions.
Happy 4th of July.