Last night I decided to start re-watching my favorite chick flicks/romcoms from now til Valentines Day.
I rarely watch chick flicks anymore, it's all so unrealistic to think that a guy won't massively let you down so why set yourself up with expectations like that? I know it's a movie but don't we all compare our lives to movies just a litttttle bit, or is it just me?
Anyways, I was texting with Antonio who asked if I was having a "me" night once I mentioned I was watching The Notebook.
I explained I am hitting the brakes on the dating scene for this month and reflecting on who I used to be. The romantic person who was hopeful and lovely.
I recently spent two years and two months being disappointed by the same guy (XF) over and over and over again. Despite this, I kept holding on, hoping, and praying that he'd wake up and realize I was worth keeping. (I guess he finally has but now I have major concerns)
Now I spend my free time going on dates with guys who are pretty much a constant disappointment. God forbid someone isn't a complete toad and I do get my hopes even a little bit up, ultimately I still wind up disappointed. (Cyrus, Lex, Antonio)
Without disappointment, this blog wouldn't exist.
I was telling a friend about all of this earlier and she had some kind advice for me on this journey of trying not be so damn jaded/expecting the worst, all of the time.
"I know you miss that version of yourself but that is honestly who I see. It's hard to be romantic and an idealist without becoming cynical. Cynicism protects us. I can relate to you. We know the worst versions of ourselves and are so afraid to reveal it all. There is power in it. You have a beautiful light and even if you don't think, it is shining brightly. Many people around you see it."
I thanked her and told her, I don't see myself that way at all.
"I know. I can tell you don't. And I've only known you for a short time but I like to think I am a good read of people. You have a very generous and kind heart. Sometimes that gets pretty numb or muted with disappointment. I used to try to think of myself as a vixen. I wasn't going to let another man hurt me or take advantage of my capacity to love them. But it couldn't last long because that isn't authentically me. Same for you. You're the girl who legit handmade halloween costumes for your friends. The girl who embraced me without knowing me. the girl who provided a place for everyone on Christmas."
So how do we perservere after disappointment? I am not an unhappy person by any stretch of the imagination. I love life and I live it fully without apology. I write about it honestly, regardless of others opinions. I like to think I am seizing the day, everyday. But when it comes to falling in love again, at 28, after a series of serious relationships, and most recently after a long stretch of continual disappointment, how do you get back to the shiny, hopeful person you once were?
Is mercury in retrograde over yet?