First off - I love anniversaries/pretty much all corny things. Valentine’s Day is actually my favorite holiday -- when you’re a serial dater, you always have a Valentine...and I just love the concept of an entire day dedicated to being overly lovey/dovey because in life I feel like we can get so caught up in everything else.
Anyways - I had asked Tess to text him for me. Hoping her message to him would be a catalyst for him to contact me. She drafted the text, and asked if I was sure. I paused.
Is it really that detrimental for me to reach out to him when I have something I need to say? Fuck it. This is my battle to fight and I need to do it myself. So when I got home from work I called.
He answered and immediately I said the one thing I remember vividly -- is that I feel as if you’re blaming me for the deterioration of your relationship with your parents. We discussed it and he said no, I was perfect through all of this and I am the perfect girl. The conversation continued awkwardly, he asked if I had been eating, I said I was going to buy my own Costco membership (something we had shared before), he told me I left a dress in his closet, I said mail it, he offered to go to Costco and bring me my dress, I said no...You get the picture. Pointless.
He asked if I wanted to get dinner -- why in the world would that be a good idea? I am trying to gain closure to this BULLSHIT situation and you want to wine and dine me? One thing I know for certain is he can’t dominate my time, get my attention, and not feel the loss.
Is this history repeating? We broke up on Christmas...but the only thing that really broke was the title of girlfriend and his parents awareness of our relationship. By Valentines we were back together. We went on vacation in March. It was a road bump. But at the end we couldn’t stay away. He never felt the loss because I was too pathetic to let him.
REALITY: This is different. As much as I don’t want to imagine life without him, I know that I want and deserve a lot more from the guy who gets to marry me. Standing up to your parents when they’re being blatantly psychotic should be a given. I know it’s not as clear cut as that -- cultural values and all this other psycho babble but if you think about life in a big picture -- we are all on the pursuit of happiness, so if you’re really happy with someone -- why let that go?
Point is - I know where he stands. and it's not for me. Our mutual BFF thinks this is a temporary thing and he’ll be back before I know it. But even if he comes back, I can’t promise I’ll take him back. Things would need to be very, very different for that outcome…. I no longer want crumbs, I want the entire baguette. Because dammit, I deserve the whole DAMN thing.
So if you sink into the cave, remember there's only one way to go from the bottom and that is to the top....right?....