We are standing around talking when two guys come up and start chatting... Turns out they are at the beach for a bachelor party and are both engaged dudes.
Great, just what we wanted -- completely unavailable guys...
I snapchat that interaction (too bad you guys aren't all my SC friends, I do my best to entertain my audience) anyways, we finally ditch them and move to a new area.
Mia is grabbing a drink when a reallllly cute guy comes up and starts chatting her up. I depart for the bathroom so I won't be cockblocking the encounter and then I look back over and fella#1 has vanished. WTF....
So we go snag a table and start snapchatting and being silly when I spot a decent looking guy right in front of us. I ask Mia if she thinks he's cute enough to kiss, she says yes and I move in for the kill. I've perfected the easiest way to strike up a convo with guys, watch and learn ladies.
Me: "Hey so my friend and I have a bet... are you here on a bach party??"
Brian: "Yes we are haha, which one of you betted correctly?"
Me: "Grabs Mia, hey Brian meet Mia. PS who is the bachelor?"
Brian: "The short guy over there, he's my cousin"
I depart for the short fat kid and leave Mia to seal the deal with Brian who is pretty cute.
Me: "Hey little toad, I hear it's your bachelor, congratulations!! When is your wedding!?"
Toad: "Hey!! It's Sept. 30th, thanks!! Can I buy you a drink??"
Me: "Sure, why not."
We go to the bar and get intercepted by Sweatface. Sweatface is very goodlooking but is legitimately pouring in sweat like he took a bad drug and the side effect was sweat.
Sweatface: "Hey, whats your name, you're really pretty."
Me: "Elle. Why are you sweating so damn much??"
Sweatface: "I don't normally talk to girls as pretty as you,I can't help it."
I walk back to the toad, ask for my drink and ask toad how long he has been with his lady.
Toad: "Well, she's the only gf I've ever had and we have dated for 13 years."
Me: "JESUS, I hope the ring reflects 13 years. Thats basically longer than most marriages."
Toad: "Wow, you're so pretty."
OOOOkay fellas. Maybe if I was drunk, this would be flattering but I've been really good so my sarcasm game is strong and the drunk flattery is just as corny as it sounds.
I walk away from Toad again and get intercepted by Manny.
Manny: "Hey, you're so pretty!"
He then GRABS MY FACE and BITES MY LOWER LIP.
I start PROFUSELY BLEEDING.
Manny: "I was so compelled to kiss you, I just couldn't help myself. Give me your number."
Me: "Okay fine, hand me your phone."
I grab his phone, go to his recent calls, see a girl "Tay Tay + heart emoji next to it", hit dial, hand the phone back and say "I'm sure Tay Tay wouldn't appreciate you biting girls lips off and snagging numbers. Nice try idiot."
He runs after me, "HEY that girl isn't my girlfriend, she's always just messing things up for me and other girls!!! She's crazy, I SWEAR!!!!"
Wow, your girlfriend is a cockblock to other girls...WHY IS THAT NOT SURPRISING?! This guy is a class act fool and now I have rabies because he BIT me and drew blood.
Where is Mia....
Ahhh there she is - sucking face with Brian. Atleast one thing really worked out for the best.
We depart the bar with this group of clowns who are staying 3 streets away from us...as we are walking home, I keep getting groped, grabbed and prodded by a variety of fools in the group.
Finally, I take off running as fast as I can for 20 blocks. Mia is left in the dust, making out in the street with Brian and I successfully avoid clowntown stalking me back and causing a scene.
Here's the texts from Toad & co.
Can't make this shit up.
So cheers to Bachelor parties and jackass guys who forget they have girlfriends/fiancees. You make blogs like this exist.