After years of avoiding the show The Bachelor/Bachelorette - my girlfriends forced me into watching this season with JoJo Fletcher...What a mistake that was but now that I've wasted countless hours on JoJo and her stellar personality, I am committed. Oh and she chooses Mini Rodgers, spoiler alert.
This brings me to Bachelor in Paradise -- starring The Chad -the only reason this season was worth watching & my favorite to follow on snapchat, Serial killer (bottom left), Penis problems and Spongebob.
Chad - ultimate BRO / asshole, says everything like it is and makes TV fun again.
Serial Killer - Canadian, zero personality, wishes he was The Chad.
Penis Problems - Erectile Dysfunction expert, wears more jewelry than Joan Rivers and is a super loser
Spongebob- Firefighter, dumped his super hot gf to go on Bachelorette (Chad then flew to LA after Bachelorette and hooked up with her and posted about it on IG), he's self obsessed and also lacks a personality.
The girls I know zero about.
THE GOOD NEWS - I will be writing a Bachelor in Paradise recap each week. PRAYING this is more exciting than the Bachelorette this season.
Side note - if Robby is the next Bachelor, we all need to start a boycott.
So stay tuned for some funny recaps on TV's worst shows.
Due to a stellar request, I will be attempting to live blog groomzillas wedding.
Sept. 30th 2016.
I MIGHT even make a twitter to link...
GET EXCITED for the MUSHIEST shit you've ever seen/heard/read.
The more weddings I attend, the more I realize they are a huge inconvenience to pretty much everyone and kind of a giant waste of $. This being said, I work in that industry so I have no problems with people throwing money out a window at me to make things look good and happen.
Here's a fun story to remind everyone that ladies aren't the only terrors in this whole wedding process.
X Factor is friends with this guy Daniel. Daniel lives in Minnesota now and met Tiffany on Eharmony. After asking her out multiple times, she finallllly agreed to go on a date and then bam, they fall in love.
First off - if a guy had to keep asking me out, I'd assume he was a desperate loser. But obviously everyone does things differently and this worked out because within 1 year of dating, they live together and are engaged.
So X factor is chosen to be Daniel's best man which is HILARIOUS to me. Daniel is childish, immature, dramatic and loves the use of a hashtag. X factor is a no nonsense kinda fella, doesn't do social media and if he did - would never fucking hashtag something.
(Daniel and Tiffany's wedding website is THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN and I sincerely wish I could share it with you all. They give this long, drawn out timeline and story of how they met to how they got engaged... It actuallllly might be worth me going back and adding excerpts in - it's that fucking stupid and hilarious. I read it aloud to a friend one day in my best Tiffany voice and she almost peed herself)
Anyhoooo -- Daniel is hellllllbent on having matching tank tops made for all of his fellas to wear at his bachelor party.
There are so many things wrong with this on so many levels, where do I begin....
1. ONLY annoying sorority chicks do that (PSA to my girlfriends reading this, NO I will not wear some dumb fucking shirt at your bachelorette party and you better not even consider wearing a "bride" shirt or tank because that is so white trash my eyes literally bleed)
2. its not even a t-shirt, its a tank top! like a douchey body builder gym tank top and none of these dudes are ripped. I mean NONE.
3. as best man, X factor + half the guys with brains vetoed this idea HARD. Who wants to be at the club looking like a bunch of sorority bitches?
4. Daniel gives NO fucks. Legitimately had a breakdown on facetime Sunday/nearly cried because X factor wasn't supporting his douchey tank top idea.
5. This forced x-factor to send an email saying they will all buy whatever dumb ass tank top to support Daniel
6. That led to me getting screenshots last night of the four proposed tank top designs which then led to a massive, massive attack of laughter - I nearly threw up my stomach hurt so bad.
Guys....these tanks are SO FUNNY. It's basically what you'd want your future hubby to be stuck wearing on a bachelor party because no girl in her right mind would try and hit on him while wearing this tank top.
I kid you not - one of them has a fleur de lis on it....I'd add the photos to this post but then I'd be giving away their last names so sadly, I can't. OMG anddddddd there are hashtags ALL over the tanks!!! X factor basically shit a brick of anger when he saw this. Which only made me laugh harder.
Daniel saw the designs and texted X factor, "good best man, good best man for getting on board with my tank tops."
X factor's disgust upon reading that text was palpable. Once again, causing me to laugh endlessly at his misery. (sidenote - Daniel loves himself some instagram action so I know the entire weekend will not only have it's own bach party hashtag but there will be tons of photographic evidence of X-factor wearing a tank top that matches 14 other guys....#cantfuckingwait #nevergonnalivethisdown)
This wedding is going to be a shit show for me. Not only do I not know anyone, there is a high probability I will have nothing in common with any of them. The bride is obsessed with social media and posts 2093834097309482048 things about how perfect Daniel is...aka I always feel like vomiting when scrolling through her things. I keep joking with X factor that if I dump him before this wedding, he's gonna be stuck sitting there with a group of clowns without anyone to commiserate with. His response is, "you wouldn't hate me enough to make me endure this alone." ohhhh but you never know! ;)
So moral of this drawn out story is... people are paying to attend your bach event -- don't force a fucking shirt on them too. Don't force anything on them. Go with the flow, have fun, don't be a fucking ZILLA, get wasted and be happy your friends love you enough to drop a fuck ton of money on your "special day" and everything that goes along with it.
Lastly - for everyone who says their wedding is the best day of their life, I AM CALLING BULLSHIT. Yeah, it's a big day but its also a logistical nightmare that you've starved yourself for months for to fit into that dress and look good in photos...I'm sure you'll have a better day in your life where you're eating pizza and giving zero fucks - let's hope your wedding isn't your peak.
ta ta for now,
#bye #groomzilla #justfuckingwithyou
So I am going ring shopping tomorrow. I should be excited, right?
Sadly, I'm not. So much shit has happened - I have become numb to the feeling of excitement surrounding engagement because X-factor has been such a fucking panzy about it. My friend gave me this really good idea to draw a simple timeline of events to illustrate how fucking insane this relationship has been thanks to his POS family.
Since I took the time to do it, I figured I might as well share.
The number six happens to be my lucky number. Sadly, its been a pretty unlucky one for a handful of friends.
Dating someone for six year is quite a commitment. It gives ALOT of room for your relationship to become routine, for you to take your partner for granted, the sex to get boring, your mind to wander what someone new might feel like, etc etc etc.
A few guys I know claimed they were gonna propose but just hadn't gotten around to it and then - the girl is dumped and they've moved on at lightening speed to someone else.
Whaaaaa the fuck.
The beginning of something new is always the best. It's not until later that you realize you might miss what you had before.
These girls wait anxiously, wondering, prodding why these guys aren't putting a ring on it. The guy claims "what's the rush? we know we love each other" and the girl keeps waiting because she is so pot committed at this point and starting over six years later sounds AWFUL. NO way did she just put six years of love and effort into something for it to not end in marriage.
Sadly, if a guy can't get his shit together in a reasonable timeframe he is likely fucking with your head and your heart.
So ladies, go with your gut. If it's been six years, stop waiting. If it's been 3 years, stop waiting. We are way too old to sit around hoping a guy can muster up the energy to walk into a jewelry store and walk out with a ring. My advice - walk away and see what happens next. Guys don't deserve to be the ones calling all the shots, so stop letting them.
And for every girl who has heard that one story of the girl who waited 10 years and finally got the ring, she was the exception - not the rule.
We grow up fantasizing about marrying the perfect human, having kids, buying some awesome house, taking our kids to disney and retiring in Europe. Well, maybe not exactly like that but you get the idea.
So you meet a person you're willing to sleep with exclusively for the rest of your life. The sex is decent/good (finding the person who is AMAZING is pretty rare) so let's just leave it at decent. They are a nice human, pretty attractive, have a job, etc.
You don't really think there is better out there/you're tired of looking so you say I do and the contract of marriage is signed.
Fast forward 5, 10, 15 years. Maybe your spouse isn't quite as exciting and outgoing as he/she was when you met. Perhaps they have put on quite a bit of weight and while love is supposed to be unconditional, attraction isn't. Maybe your spouse just doesn't put in that same level of effort anymore to keep your relationship spicy and exciting and things have gotten really, really routine - (ahem, your sex life.)
Then you meet someone else and while you do love your partner you are really physically craving something new. The new person isn't someone you'd want to marry, more so someone who can fulfill a physical need that isn't being met like it used to be.
Can you be honest with your partner and ask permission for a hall pass? Or would that be the kiss of death for this marriage? Do you sneak behind their back and get the physical fulfillment met?
Is it really realistic that the same person can fulfill your sexual needs forever?
I don't ponder this because I am looking to bang someone else, I just think about it logically... Before marriage you can date and sleep with whomever you want. Things get stale, you move onto the next person. You rack up some decent sexual experiences and then one day, you sign that marriage contract and never again will you experience the thrill of someone new.
Doesn't that right there set up marriage as a bit of mess? How does one person stay engaging and exciting in bed for the rest of their lives with the same person??
Curious as to what others think on this... Am I awful for ever even pondering this?
As I was perusing facebook I came across a few interesting articles that I wanted to discuss with ya'll.
Business Insider wrote about a study that showed - narcissistic women are more sought after than the nice, school teachery type. They basically said, "the nice girl finishes last" which is music to my ears because nice girls are boring as fuck, even as friends. They defined narcissistic as overly concerned with their appearance, highly outgoing, a tad bitchy and very confident.
So one of my favorite dating books, Why Men Marry Bitches gives lots of evidence to support this but I have a mixed opinion...Hear me out.
I definitely fall into the bitchy/narcissist category. I have never had an issue snagging a boyfriend or killing the online dating game BUT every guy I have dumped has went on to get engaged to/marry "the nice school teacher girl" who is probably half as attractive as me and not very confident.
Would these guys have married me if I didn't dump them? I'd like to think so..but who really knows. Dickhead#1 (guy who just got married with beer bottle centerpieces in the middle of fucking nowhere) famously said a few years after trying to win me back and failing that, "maybe I need to date someone less attractive to get the personality that I want."
Somehow, people are still reading this blog despite my lazy ass being lazy & not writing. I have been toying with the idea of starting a weekly Lifeisnotaromcom podcast because the radio sucks & I am obsessed with podcasts myself. It'd be me & a co-host each week so don't worry, it won't be JUST me being bitch for 60 mins. I think it could be entertaining.
To add to my bitterness, I stumbled across some old emails yesterday from Liam that reallllly made me cringe. Why did I need to find those the Monday after dickhead#1's wedding? Isn't that enough torture for the month?
Back story on Liam incase you've forgotten - guy I lived with & almost married. He was really content with the simple life & I really wanted more. So I dipped out, moved back to the city & crushed him. I still feel awful about it. Oh, he's engaged to the girl after me now too.
These emails from when times were good are HEARTBREAKING.
I've honestly never felt guiltier. It's funny how you can block out things in your mind and just keep moving forward like it's NBD. This reminds me how much X factor sucks at discussing the future and emotions AND how good I had it before. Ugh, being young and stupid SUCKS. Now I am old & single. Super fails.
Be prepared to either be bored out of your MIND or admit to yourself that I am the biggest bitch ever for breaking up with a guy THAT nice. I'll notate things so it all makes a little more sense. Fair warning, this email is LONGGGGGG.
Elle!!! Oh, how I love you so...just sittin here at work and decided to correspond with my boo before getting started on a new project due later this week. In kind of a strange way, it helps me feel closer to you when I can actually get this stuff out on paper instead of just having it bounce around my head all day long.
Even though we didn't end up doing anything exciting/fun yesterday, I'm still glad we got a chance to devote the day to "us". As depressing/out of left field as that was, I'm sort of relieved that it's out of my system and I had a chance to clear the air. It's funny because I'm always the first person to tell someone not to bottle up their feelings/emotions and here I was being someone that could have used that advice the most. I just don't like that stale feeling we were having for such a long time and just how bad the situation was finally hit home at that particular time. (we were in a rut of doing absolutely nothing on the weekends and I was 23 at the time, bored out of my mind living this 35 year old life) You probably won't believe me on this, but I naturally am always feeling the need/want/desire to keep things progressive/interesting/exciting, but for whatever reason I lost focus of that and it wasn't only effecting me, but you as well.(I was depressed) I'm sure it has something to do with my unhappy work life leaking into my personal life, but since there weren't any clear cut signs for me, it was hard to see that coming. Especially since suppressing those feelings is obviously not the answer, no matter how minor I always make them out to be to you and myself.
It's funny how much can change in a year; I mean, not even. One minute I feel so proud of myself for being somewhat accomplished/established/conquering huge goals I had always set for myself and the next thing you know it's like my eyes have been opened to a whole new world that I didn't even know existed. Kinda silly to be saying that about something that some people have known all their lives, but it's just something that never even crossed my mind in years past; like, it was cool to dream about moving away or trying out a new city/state but could never be a reality.....not sure why I never thought I could make that a possibility on my own, it always seemed like such a foreign concept given that my family and I only moved once in my entire life and it was like 5 miles down the street :-/ but I certainly knew that when I found that one person that could show me the possibilities, I would finally feel what it was like to have the courage/confidence/motivation to make that leap.(like I said, content with status quo lifestyle) To have complete love/trust in someone would never make me second guess that decision because it would be about us starting a new life together; whether I was stepping away from family/friends/or whatever else was seemingly holding me down in any particular locale at the time. (we lived legit 3 mins down the street from his parents & brother & saw them 4-7x a week where as I've been on my own since I LEFT for college --he stayed local for that too so he really had zero exposure to the outside world)
It's funny/makes me a bit uneasy regarding your "forever is a long time" comment....
Hopefully better than ever & forever.
I make no promises though so enjoy it while you can.
If you couldn't tell, I have become an ever bigger bitch than before...thank you life for really helping groom me into the B you know and love.
Since it's been awhile & we have ALOT to cover let's just jump right in...
This weekend marked the nuptials of two very special people. Without these two, Mia & I wouldn't be best friends. We wouldn't know what its like to recover from being cheated on by your first love, we wouldn't know what TRUE bitterness tastes like. So thank you dickhead#1 & #2.
What would we do without you?
Be happy and perhaps married? Nah, that'd be too lucky and us non-cheaters don't deserve that kind of karma. Apparently.
(explicit content to follow)
What the fuck are the odds that BOTH of our high school "sweethearts/dickheads" got married on the SAME day, both in the middle of nowhere?
These jackasses cheated on both of us & these super lucky gals are their second serious girlfriends EVER.
Mia's ex, dickhead#2 cheated on her with Woof while studying abroad in Spain...conveniently he chose Spain because when he went to visit Mia THE SEMESTER PRIOR - he loved it. Then boom, decides he will do the program as soon as she is back in the USA and boom, meets Woof. Fast forward - he returns from his semester, is constantly texting Woof while still dating Mia. She feels shit isn't right and BOOM, he dumps her. She can get into the details of all that later.
Fast forward x amount of years and Woof & dickhead#2 are married. Congrafuckinglations.
Not only did Mia date dickhead#2 during her semester abroad but she ALSO dated him her entire college career. Four really great years to meet new people and live it up all for a guy who married a dog. (Woof might be a harsh nickname but I am a harsh person so gtf over it.)
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