Well... Happy Monday friends. Here's some tinder nightmares to get you through the week.
Well... Happy Monday friends. Here's some tinder nightmares to get you through the week.
Am I crazy? Is he actually 42/an adult? Is this real life?
How guys are able to crash and burn SO fast, is truly unreal to me. It's some kind of well practiced art...how many annoying, clingy, needy things can I say until I officially scare this girl off? I've never felt age is an accurate indicator of maturity, but if you needed proof - now you have it. So yeah - he covers the bases pretty well...we start out needy, then we get clingy, moving into angry and ending with overly dramatic.
Isn't dating so much fun?
Single & accepting applications - Tinder, I quit.
Well I thought I had successfully recovered from the first two tinder fails until I met #3.
Shawn seemed overall like a decent catch - Splits time between LA and DC (I’m from SoCal myself), is an entrepreneur, enjoys the finer things in life, 6ft tall, half lebanese/swedish (Im half persian/swedish), and he hadn’t said anything outwardly creepy via text. Only potential downfall prior to meeting Shawn was that he’s 42 and I am 26. Let me save you some time - 16 year age difference.
So we go out on a Monday for a casual drink after work. Mind you, I gave up drinking so club soda and iced tea are my new jam and I make sure not to mention this to dates so they don’t automatically think I am a bore. I mean life and dating is a lot more fun with wine involved.
Anyways, turns out Shawn and I have a TON in common. We both nearly died from meningitis, our dads have 9 siblings, we are entrepreneurs, etc, etc. The date lasts five hours which is four hours longer than most and I leave with a decent impression, thus I grant him a second date.
Tuesday I have a gala to attend at the Kennedy Center and I invited an old tinderfella that I was seeing before I met the X factor and dropped the roster. He was a great date, we had a good time and I remembered exactly why I liked him so much...as a friend.
So I decided I’d see Shawn Wednesday because he was departing Friday AM for LA for 10 days. Typically I don’t see the same guy twice in one week or weekend, but hey let's bend the rules.
(Making exceptions is NEVER a good idea.)
We meet at this hot Greek spot in the city. He fails to make a reservation thus we can’t sit down and the place is packed. First off, you’re 42...this isn’t your first rodeo...soooooo what the hell were you thinking? He makes up b/s reasonings why it “didn’t cross his mind” - I judge him silently for being an idiot and we continue…. He asks me where I want to go and I refuse to help… “You’re the man, right? You should have this handled.” This response he does NOT like. Finally he pulls out yelp and finds a decent spot nearby and we go have dinner. Dinner convo gets heavy FAST. All this talk about commitment and his work, etc. He never once asks me a question about myself and at this point, I know his life story. I AM OVER IT.
But sadly this date is far from over.
Finally dinner ends and we go bowling. He suggests we bet on the game, if he wins I make him dinner - if I win, he takes me to dinner anywhere I want (shouldn't he do that anyways??). Immediately I say no. There’s not a chance in hell you’re coming to my home for our 3rd date and that I am cooking for you. You clearly don’t know me because that’s INSANITY. He is put off by my answer and I insist we just bowl and get this over with. Sigh, when will it end?
Fast forward to the end - “Elle, I really like you - I think you need to just admit you like me too.” OH boy. You live in an alternate universe if you think this is appropriate for date 2!!! I change topics and try to get him out of my car, he proceeds to stick his tongue down my throat to which I jump backwards in my seat. He says I need to “loosen up” and attempts again. MAKE IT STOP. Finally I say I don’t know you well enough to be kissing you like this, and I am really tired I need to go. He get’s out and I am free. FINALLY.
Until the text I receive the next day….
There’s nothing a little travel can’t solve...right? After a tumultuous weekend last week I decided it was time for some life changes. First off, drinking isn’t fixing my broken heart and leads to contacting the X factor when I shouldn’t -- so that’s gotta go for awhile. (No I am not an alcoholic, I am just a terrible lightweight who sucks at drinking) Then I decided I should not travel as much this summer and really focus on work things at home.
My friend Ta said, you need a trip. You work too much and you should come meet me, I’ll let you choose the destination: London, Paris, Istanbul, Greece.
First off, is this really my life? I haven’t been abroad in awhile so this seemed like the perfect opportunity to yet again flee...When faced with temptation, I cave and run as fast as I can to it.
SO I am going to Istanbul July 9th. Not paying for it because my friend is incredibly generous and leads a life far cooler than mine. And I couldn’t be more excited. I have never been to Istanbul, he has this amazing yacht that we’re going to spend time on as well & it is exactly what I need. A long flight to clear my head and allow me to wake up on the other side of the world.
Ta ta for now.
Well...back on the tindersphere, that’s the planet I am on. I’m unsure of where to even begin…
First off, I know I should probably wait on the dating and keep focusing on myself. I have been doing a lot of that lately. I got bored. Talking about the X factor with friends got old - they all say, “you can do/deserve so much better” -- yes, yes I know. I kind of just wanted to go on a few dates with guys who found me baggage free and exciting. People who had no idea about the guy I thought I was going to marry and didn’t because of his racist parents.
So the swiping has begun… two dates on the books.
What a disaster.
Date 1: Name: Overly Eager, Age: 33
Happens to live across the street from me, tinder chatted for about 3 minutes before asking for drinks (I like the quick execution, if you read the tinder rules - there is a strict timeline for asking for date 1) So last Friday we went for drinks. Then more drinks. and more drinks. It was a pretty decent date. He was entertaining, smart, nice, has a job, etc. There wasn’t any insane chemistry but he wasn’t a weirdo.
Or so I thought...
Everyday since Friday he has sent me about 10 texts. 10 texts to my 1 one text. HE IS SO DAMN EAGER. Guys, don’t be annoying. Don’t be eager. Be interested but do not blow up someones phone! ESPECIALLY WHEN I AM NOT RESPONDING.
So we were going to watch the NBA game last night and I just couldn’t fathom it. First off - he wanted to come over to my place to watch...ummm sorry I am not sorry but we just met and NO you’re not coming into my house. Try again. He offers his house. WTF, how dense are you? Clearly this guy is an idiot and I can never see him again. So I cancel. Go to the gym instead and proceed to ignore the 10 more texts I receive throughout the evening. Best part: I wake up today… 3 more texts. FML. Blocked.
Date 2: Name: Ego Maniac, Age: 30
4 inches shorter than me without heels (I’m not that tall), proudly admits he has slept with two married women and that was on his bucket list he made at age 19. Then he proceeds to read the bucket list… everysinglething. THEN he says, let’s make this a game -you get to guess what I have already accomplished on the list! Hold on, you actually think I care? President of his own fan club clearly, what a toad! Who says shit like that?
We have two drinks, he asks to see me again, I say, “I’ll think about it.” I felt bad being mean but there’s honestly no way in HELL that’s gonna happen. He says that he expects a “thank you for a nice evening text” -- I said well, I can say thank you now and avoid that text so don’t expect it and thanks for the two glasses of wine (should’ve been a bottle for all the shit I just listened to).
Now both of those toads are blocked and back to the prowl. I am so unmotivated by it all. I tried match once...it was all the same toads as tinder & the messages were far creepier than the tinder messages so never again will I do that. The problem with the cosmpolitan bubble I live in is that it is quite small and overly nerdy. If they aren’t nerds, they’re egomaniacs. It is such a losing battle at times.
How did I ever find the X factor on tinder? A part of me is like, whoa that was great luck -- the other part of me says, I would've been better off without you + the racist parents.
Anyways, time to get back to swiping so I can keep you all entertained.
Ta Ta for now,
When you really love someone more than you’ve ever loved another it possesses you to do pathetic things. Don’t feel crazy, it’s basically a rite of passage (most people usually don’t fess up to them, thats all). But we aren’t keeping secrets here, so I am going to chronicle all of the pathetic girl things I did right before I walked away...I doubt any of you are ready for this.
2. In a wine induced mindstate I wrote a ridiculously dumb reddit.com post. I have never been on reddit prior to this. So this desperate action involved creating an account, figuring out how the stupid site works, and writing this pathetic girl post. I can’t even handle regurgitating that one so here’s the link so you can see for yourself. It’s pretty bad.
LOW MOMENTS. Sadly, everyone basically agreed with Dr. Laura that I am an idiot who is wasting my time -- they just said it in more words, so thanks Reddit peeps - you were right.
3. I sent two emails to the X factors mom. The first one I wrote in January when we were broken up and sent it to him saying, “if you ever want to fight for what you want, you should send your mom this email.” Finally in May he said, “send the damn email, what else is there to lose?” So I send this lengthy, heartfelt email and get zero response. Of course.
Email #2 happened a few hours after we broke up this time (aka the real time). I drove home from his house with my two cats, unpacked them, laid in bed mad as hell, and I sent her an email detailing every fun activity we had partaken in for the past two weeks and included a few snapshots. This was strategically sent at 1:30am EST...She goes to sleep at 9pm PST… X factor was getting on a plane at 6am EST...Mom doesn’t awake until 8am PST… = by the time the emailed is received, he is on an airplane for 6 hours unable to discuss or argue. Better yet, he can’t get mad at me because I have his number blocked on my phone, and mine blocked on his. If he isn’t going to be honest with her, I will be and I will have NO qualms about it.
So there are my top 3 pathetic girl moves. I don’t recommend acting like this -- you only feel like an idiot afterwards. I am happy that I know I fought for what I wanted and I asked for outside opinions to guide me in my situation. My friends have been telling me since month 2 that I am “too good” for him and there are better fish in the sea. I appreciate their support but no one besides me can understand the depth of the love I felt for this bozo.
If it wasn’t real, this blog wouldn’t exist.
So don’t beat yourself up if you’ve ever done something semi bat-shit crazy -- I think we have all been there.
Cheers to another day & the single life.
My ex deleted his facebook approximately 1 month after our first date. We met on Tinder thus facebook is a necessary component (you can’t have one without the other). Yes, I found love on Tinder. It can happen to you too.
Anyways. Catalyst for deleting facebook = me posting a photo of us happily smiling on the fourth of july. Seems harmless, right?
Thats where the red flags began. It had been a perfect month -
we met, became stuck together like peanut butter and jelly, spent every weekend together despite living an hour apart, spent 3-4 hours each night on facetime, & if we weren’t FTiming we were texting.
It all happened so fast. Like most good things do.
FLASHBACK: Before I met him, I was happily enjoying the single Elle life. Dating three tinderfellas at once, I had a date every other night of the week and each of these suitors wanted to become my boyfriend. For once, I was in no rush for that title. I felt the pressure mounting with them as we approached dates 4, 5, 6...but playing the field was empowering and I didn’t have a strong desire to give that up despite knowing “I have to pick one soon.”
Until I met X.
X and I had instant chemistry in our tinder chat. It just flowed. It wasn’t effort and I looked forward to every single message. I learned early on to never get my hopes up but this all felt so fresh and exciting. The timing was great too. I was recovering from surgery which lead to a longer than natural text courtship. By the time we had our first date, we had been talking for over two weeks.
Wasting time is my least favorite activity. Thus, I have strict tinder rules.
1. Tindertexting gets capped at 5-7days. If no date is set, I delete you.
2. Never swipe right on a guy without a shirt
3. Guys who post memes, selfies, or photos with other girls = swipe left
Judge as you may but the methods worked.
I'm not looking for a text buddy - I have enough actual friends.
Anyways…this photo caused a raucous. Every person he knew had commented on it by the time we woke up. Zero people on my friendslist said a word, I don’t even think I got a single like for this one -- it was ALL his side. Everyone seemed so surprised and happy for him. An Aunt messaged asking if she needed to take his mom shopping for our future wedding.
It was JUST a photo. What is wrong with these people?! Wedding? Huh? Lunatics!!!
Five minutes later - the facebook is gone.
Is he trying to hide me? What the hell is wrong with this guy? We are basically obsessed with each other and you’re a self proclaimed FB addict.
Am I not pretty enough?
Fast forward to present day…
We break up, I block him from my life. Deleted from snapchat (our favorite social media venue) and he doesn’t have IG.
Fast forward to last night…
He admits he lurked my instagram which is purposely left open for all to see. He gets upset about all of the photos of us I have posted. Makes me feel bad yet again for sharing my happy moments.
FLASHBACK: to when I changed my profile photo to one of us from Valentine's Day. All of his friends ran to alert him and he lost his shit. Giving me BS excuses like, “These photos could hurt my career in the future, I don’t want a social media repertoire, etc, etc, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.” You had facebook from 04-2014, get out of my face with this nonsense.
REALITY: He doesn’t want his parents to type my name into google and see a photo of him. Then its confirmed that 1. we are together 2. we are happy 3. hes lying to them 4. because I’m not Armenian and they refuse to accept anything else. 5. What the actual F.
Ask me if I care. I refuse to cave and not show the people in my inner circles the chosen snapshots of my life. It’s like I posted a photo of him naked in my bed.
LET'S RELAX ALREADY YOU PSYCHO.
So now the painful process begins of removing him from my social media realms. Not to appease him - but to help me erase these memories that linger?
Dating in the modern age...what a joke.
I wish I could lie and say I didn’t talk to him. I stayed strong, went to the gym, talked to my friends and avoided him completely. But it’s simply not true.
First off - I love anniversaries/pretty much all corny things. Valentine’s Day is actually my favorite holiday -- when you’re a serial dater, you always have a Valentine...and I just love the concept of an entire day dedicated to being overly lovey/dovey because in life I feel like we can get so caught up in everything else.
Anyways - I had asked Tess to text him for me. Hoping her message to him would be a catalyst for him to contact me. She drafted the text, and asked if I was sure. I paused.
Is it really that detrimental for me to reach out to him when I have something I need to say? Fuck it. This is my battle to fight and I need to do it myself. So when I got home from work I called.
He answered and immediately I said the one thing I remember vividly -- is that I feel as if you’re blaming me for the deterioration of your relationship with your parents. We discussed it and he said no, I was perfect through all of this and I am the perfect girl. The conversation continued awkwardly, he asked if I had been eating, I said I was going to buy my own Costco membership (something we had shared before), he told me I left a dress in his closet, I said mail it, he offered to go to Costco and bring me my dress, I said no...You get the picture. Pointless.
He asked if I wanted to get dinner -- why in the world would that be a good idea? I am trying to gain closure to this BULLSHIT situation and you want to wine and dine me? One thing I know for certain is he can’t dominate my time, get my attention, and not feel the loss.
Is this history repeating? We broke up on Christmas...but the only thing that really broke was the title of girlfriend and his parents awareness of our relationship. By Valentines we were back together. We went on vacation in March. It was a road bump. But at the end we couldn’t stay away. He never felt the loss because I was too pathetic to let him.
REALITY: This is different. As much as I don’t want to imagine life without him, I know that I want and deserve a lot more from the guy who gets to marry me. Standing up to your parents when they’re being blatantly psychotic should be a given. I know it’s not as clear cut as that -- cultural values and all this other psycho babble but if you think about life in a big picture -- we are all on the pursuit of happiness, so if you’re really happy with someone -- why let that go?
Point is - I know where he stands. and it's not for me. Our mutual BFF thinks this is a temporary thing and he’ll be back before I know it. But even if he comes back, I can’t promise I’ll take him back. Things would need to be very, very different for that outcome…. I no longer want crumbs, I want the entire baguette. Because dammit, I deserve the whole DAMN thing.
So if you sink into the cave, remember there's only one way to go from the bottom and that is to the top....right?....
Tash & I spent the weekend pampering ourselves in Miami. Enjoying ALL of the finer things in life. You name it we probably did it. We discussed our self worth, how we felt incredibly devalued and how we would never make the same dating mistakes again. (Her story is coming, stay tuned)
I orchestrated what I deemed -- the perfect meltdown/break up. After a blissful long weekend, an expensive dinner paid for by me, and a romantic stroll through town we found ourselves at the bar watching our basketball team. It had been a perfect weekend and a perfect day/night.
The only two at the bar until someone my ex recognized walks in. Mystery friend + wife happen to be from the X factors home town and he happens to be a famous athlete who came to enjoy the game. I wait for my introduction, he’s usually not terrible with social norms, and he respects me so NBD - it’ll come...20 minutes later -- I’m still the ghost sitting next to him at the EMPTY bar. Visibly pissed, I ask him if he’s forgetting something -- you know, LIKE MY NAME. He claims he’s “waiting for the right time” -- UMMMM 1. right time is at the beginning, what kind of idiot are you 2. are you actually a 29yr old doctor? 3. this is bullshit. So in an attempt to not ruin the night, I say no more. Get yourself together Elle.
That weekend we had about ten million different social work outings for him. It was fun yet exhausting because doctors aren’t always the most outgoing crowd. I then ask “have you talked to your parents this weekend?” He says yes, in the morning after dropping a friend at the airport. I ask if he mentioned all of the activities we did. He says no. I literally lose my mind. I am so angry -
1. he doesn’t introduce me
2. he claims he's fighting for me yet CAN'T muster the courage to mention that we spent all weekend together doing 239482304823408 activities for HIS job
I grab his keys and I walk out. I pack my bags, pack the cats and I am ready to go. After a year of this crazy, racist, cowardly bullshit I have finally hit my limits. He comes in. Begging that we not fight about this tonight, don’t go, etc. As I pack up the toiletries & clothes I leave at his house - I tell him
I truly can’t do this anymore.
You claim to be fighting for this but can’t be honest about your fun filled weekend with me? That’s not fighting - that’s avoiding. I can no longer walk blindly in love. I am finally done.
I am free of this dark cloud of negativity. I feel relief. I feel devastation. I hate him. How can he do this to me?
I grab his phone and block my number then delete myself. I grab my phone and I do the same. F him. I tell him he’s dead to me and I drive away.
Happy one year anniversary! Or is it one week?
It would’ve been a celebration but thanks to you, there is no longer an us, thus there is no longer an anniversary. So maybe this should actually be happy one week of singleness to me, myself, and I. Problem is, it hasn’t been happy. There’s been moments of happiness, strength, and a few laughs. But reconciling that my ex is letting his racist parents ruin our relationship - our loving, amazing relationship - that is just too much. I always thought that in due time, things would change. Their icy, black hearts would melt and I’d finally get the chance to meet them. I was wrong. Clearly.
REALITY: Yep. I haven’t met the parents after a year of blissful dating. Yes, he has met mine. His refuse to meet me because they cannot accept an non-Armenian as their sons girlfriend. He can’t accept a life where they don’t accept his ADULT decisions to marry whom his heart desires. He is 29. It is 2015. This isn't Armenia, We live in America - and so do they.
FLASHBACK: My first true love happened when I was 16. Long story short - his mother was racist against Middle Easterners (I am Persian/Swedish). But from day one, he never let her get away with that kind of behavior. When she was nasty to me, said something nasty to him about me, wouldn’t invite me to a family gathering, etc -- he refused to tolerate it. And by refusing to accept hateful behavior - her shell broke and while she never loved me, she learned to accept me. The rest of his family did love me which made it easier to handle the hell that woman put me through at the time. But most importantly - he never wavered between right and wrong and always did the right thing (which was stand up for love incase you didn't know either).
This is a lesson I never really appreciated until this weekend in Miami. This X factor cheated on me and we broke up - it was a mess, as first love always is. So for many years, I’ve held a negative image in my mind of him -- but now I am actually grateful. Grateful he taught me first that love is worth fighting for and never to let hate win.
So as I sit here typing this on a dreary DC day -- I reflect on the lessons I’ve learned on this crazy journey.
Theres only one prince in the fairytale -- I’m just kissing/dating/falling in love with a LOT of frogs. While hoping the prince is next on the roster. But if he's not, I am definitely not settling. Not again. I am making my list of non-negotiables and the top of the list now states "racist parents? if so, lose my number-k thx bye."
So for now, I’m just going to keep busy and hope that his life without me is far worse than mine without him.
In my head I'm thinking - at any moment he will show up in Miami, forgo this bullshit bachelor party and realize saving our relationship is priority. He knows every second he's not trying to knock down my door is one second he can never get back. There will be tears, begging, crying and a proposal. Okay, I'll settle for plane tickets to San Francisco to meet the parents and THEN a proposal. and lots of tears.
But this isn't a romantic comedy. This is reality. This is my life.
REALITY: my shell finally cracks less than 6 hours before he's jetting off to the west coast for a bachelor party in Vegas. Seriously? He gets to lick his wounds and have his douchey posse reassure him he's better off single while they hire 6 strippers (whose photos he's shown me in his email) to dance and do other disgusting stripper things to them. Is there anything worse than strippers? No. But in actuality yes - a guy who is too whipped by his close minded & racist parents to fight for love is definitely worse than strippers. But having BOTH of these factors combined -- that's kind of what I imagine hell to be like. This sucks.
So what the hell am I supposed to do? Go to Miami of course. I mean isn't that the best logical option when the guy you want to marry is a coward, led you on for a year AND is living it up in Vegas. Single. Without you.
So I grabbed the BFF, (Tash, you'll meet her soon) and here we are at my clients insane 3 million dollar South Beach condo. Man hating, bonding, keeping the X factors blocked, and forcing each other to stay strong when we feel like caving. Now let me preface this next statement.
I hate Taylor swift... And I do mean hate. She is the queen of pathetic girl anthems and I am NOT a pathetic girl. But because I'm being real with you, I'm going to suck up my pride and shamefully admit... the bad blood remix has become my new anthem...Yep. It happened. HOW DARE MY X FORCE ME INTO LIKING T SWIFT. Honestly, who am I? It is ALL his fault. Douche.
So moral of the story: when your cowardly ex goes to Vegas to be a dirty, gross boy - go to Miami/anywhere outside of your bubble, be classy, focus on YOU, get a tan, workout, let guys buy you drinks and remember that you're worth more than you realize right now. Your soulmate will be the guy who stands up when push comes to shove... Not the guy who cries, runs and hides like a complete idiot. 29 really is just a number (clearly not an indicator of maturity).
baby now we got bad blood.
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