Want to know more about me?
I promise to answer.
Section has been updated!
Want to know more about me?
I promise to answer.
As you all know I've been doing a lot of dating.
A lot of useless dating.
Arash - 2 hookups (no sex), not worth it. Open and closed that door at pretty much the exact same speed.
Antonio - On and off, on and off, off and over it. The cat and mouse thing has been fun (I had a great time last Friday) but I am over it. This is stupid and I only feel stupid for letting it happen.
Rami - Oh hello sex pot. A stupid one who thinks I was falling in love with him but daaaaamn amazing sex, body, face, style, meoooow. But he's kind of an idiot who doesn't have his shit together and likely wont for another two years. Still in party boy mode which I am not about, at all.
Chase - Great in bed, boring ass personality. There will not be a date 3 or a hook up #3 because unfortunately, sex does involve some talking and even writing about him bores me.
Velcro - Motherfucking Velcro. I can't with this guy. You all know the story with him. If you don't, scroll down to this post and this post. I will say, I am glad I met him because he gave me such blogworthy stories. No, I haven't heard from him since I called him out on fucking Megan.
Jake - Still texts me daily but I haven't seen him since NYE...but he saw me that night with Antonio...oops...Safe to say things with him are going nowhere.
XF - We went to an NBA game last night and it was actually a lot of fun. Tomorrow night he's my date for this gala we went to last year. I told him he better put his party pants on because I am not dealing with the sourpuss situation again. I refuseeeeee. There is more to the story with him (alot more actually) but I am saving that for it's own post SO stay tuned.
At the game last night I decided I'd post a photo on my snapchat with XF. All the toads above + many others follow me on snap so I knew by posting this I would be nailing a few coffins as well as confusing the fuck out of others.
Seconds after posting I get a snap text from Rami. "OMG This guy again!?!?!"
"If he needs lessons in bed, let me know, I can teach him! hahahaha"
"No sex, just basketball."
and then more useless snaptexts.
Someone's jealous....and someone is also a jerk.
So yes, I knew damn well what I was doing by posting the photo with XF but a large part of me still believes that he is the guy I will marry. I know it sounds ridiculous but I've dated A LOTTTTTT and I've never been able to truly envision a future with someone like I can with XF. He is a giant pain in the ass but so am I and yeah, I think if we can learn to let go of the past, focus on the future, and be patient with each other - we can make it work.
There's nothing perfect out there - so I need to stop searching for unattainable and focus on improving what I do have.
Last night I was celebrating my moms birthday and she asked me if I'd received the invitation to my ex step sisters wedding.
Considering I refused to help plan her bachelorette party (which is this weekend), I most definitely didn't get that invitation.
Not that I care, I wasn't planning to attend either way and we aren't close. At all.
I'm no longer going to weddings unless I am actually very close with the person at this point in my life.
No more of this, I haven't seen you in ten years but hey fly to North Dakota for my wedding! (Exaggeration but you get the picture)
When I get married, I am going to do it all very, very differently.
I'm kind of excited because so many people are going to have such an opinion on it. "OMG can you believe she didn't invite xyz? OMG an email invitation?! OMG, OMG, OMG."
Weddings these days have become a fucking circus. People expect you to attend an engagement party, bridal shower, bach party, rehearsal dinner, fly to their wedding AND give a gift over $100. Since when is getting married supposed to be about financially burdening EVERYONE who cares about you? I'm not down with it, not at all.
I'd rather take the money I'd spend on the "wedding of the year" and put it towards my sick oceanfront home in Newport Beach. While you're busying paying off your insane wedding, I'll be tanning and drinking champagne on my deck.
So your friends have to pay thousands of dollars because you decided to get married?
Seems a bit insane to me...
I'm cutting the fluff.
I don't need an engagement party, bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, or paper invitation.
1. Engagement party AND bridal shower? By time I actually say I do, I am going to be exhausted from all these damn parties centered around me FINALLY picking a groom. Pass.
2. Rehearsal dinner? Meh. Let's just have a cocktail hour the night before and throw an even better wedding reception.
3. Paper invitations. These piss me off to NO END. I'm sorry you spent HOW much on fucking paper? Paper that everyone except you will throw away after attending your event? The world revolves around email and guess what? Email is free. I'd much rather be a tacky bitch and send a paperless post invite, track who is coming in real time, save a few trees, few dollars, and whole lot of time. Sorry not sorry.
4. Bachelorette party. I am ONLY doing one of these if I can make sure it won't cost my friends a fortune to attend. No way am I letting friends pay for me for an entire weekend just because I am going to get married in a few months. Wherever this logic came from is mind boggling to me.
5. Bridesmaid dresses. Oh me, oh my. This is a source of contention for EVERYONE. Your friends come in different shapes and sizes -- let them pick their own goddamn dress you asshole. If you must match, pick a color and tell people to run with it. I plan to have my friends wear either a specific color or a selection of colors and say I'd prefer it be satin, etc. No you don't need matching shoes. I love my friends for their individuality, no need to mask that on my special day.
6. I love a good party so I've decided I want to tie the knot on New Year's Eve. Everyone always wants a fun NYE plan so why not combine it all? Plus photos with fireworks sound pretty awesome to me! (Also a big fan of things that glow/glitter)
7. A plated meal. Ugh, wedding food is the worsttttttt. I'm either doing Mediterranean buffet or a ton of fun appetizers/a sushi bar. Let's be real, you're in it for the open bar anyways.
8. Photos. I do want a cool set of engagement photos + wedding photos but that's because its a memory you have forever/you probably won't be prettier than you are in those pics. (Vain, I know) Don't really think I need a wedding video. I can always hire Arash and his goPro to run around and DIY it for me ;)
9. Invitees. Oh so we haven't spoke in years and you're salty I didn't invite you? GTF over it. Oh we are related and you're an asshole? Also, not my problem. Oh you invited me to your wedding and now expect me to do the same? Also not a guarantee for my guestlist. I know I will piss a lot of people off but I have a gigantic family and I'm not in the business of people pleasing. It's MY wedding, be happy you don't have to buy a plane ticket to California? I'm actually doing you a favor ;)
10. I am pretty solid on my bridesmaid list and I can't really see that changing. Since they all read the blog, here it is.
MOH - Bestie 1
Bridesmaids: Bestie2, Mia, Tash, Zoe, DT, B
There you have it.
The framework of my fictional non-wedding "wedding".
Let's be honest, I'm gonna cave and marry XF, it's just a matter of time/a matter of therapy. Who the hell else is going to put up with me for a lifetime?
This ONE post is all the reason I need for having this blog.
I can promise you are not ready for what you are about to read.
It's a lonnnnnng one so grab a glass of wine/a bottle and get comfy.
Remember my tinder toad dinner party last Thursday? Well I invited my girlfriend Megan to join too. I met her through Antonio one night and we just clicked. She recently moved here from Boston and just got out of a relationship/back on the the Tindersphere.
So her and I go out last night and meet up with Antonio and his friends at a sports bar. She starts telling me about her recent escapades and mentions that she fucked a guy last week who knows both Arash and I.
Elle: "Is he Jewish?"
Megan: "YES! With a super small dick?"
Elle: "I haven't seen it yet so IDK."
I whip out my phone, pull up Velcro's Tinder page and BAM, it's him.
Elle: "HOLY FUCK YOU FUCKED HIM LAST WEEK!? DO YOU REALIZE THAT IS VELCRO FROM THE BLOG?!" (shes an avid reader)
Megan: "OMG that is HILARIOUS! Don't fuck him, it's not worth it at all and he's got all this Jewish stuff around his room, it was really intense."
So let's step back for a sec.
Elle: "How did he know that you knew me??"
Megan: "I left your dinner party Thursday and he asked me what I was up to and I mentioned I was at my friend Elle's for dinner. He asked if Elle's roommate was Arash and I said yes."
Elle: "So he damn well knew that we were friends BEFORE you fucked him..."
Megan: "Yeah, I told him I was leaving and he told me to swing by his place real quick and I was horny so I did."
THIS MOTHERFUCKER THEN GOES ON DATE 2 WITH ME THE FOLLOWING NIGHT, TRIES HIS HARDEST TO GET ME TO SLEEP WITH HIM, ALL THE WHILE KNOWING HE FUCKED MY FRIEND THE NIGHT PRIOR.
Goes to show -- trust your fucking intuition. I KNEW I didn't want to sleep with him, I just had that feeling and I couldn't shake it. His kissing skills also didn't do him any favors.
Elle: "Did he do the really fast tongue thing when he kissed you too?"
Megan: "OMG, YES!!!! Torpedo tongue, it was nasty!!!"
(Mind you, Antonio is next to me listening to this entire story)
SO Megan and I take a selfie and send it to Velcro at the same time. I caption mine, "I'm just gonna leave that here..."
OH and this motherfucker asked me at 2pm for a date last night. Uhhhh it's a Friday, you think I have no plans and you can last minute ask me out? You and your Velcro shoes can fuck right off.
He replies to my text with...
"Amazed it took you guys this long"
Later in the evening when recounting this story to double trouble and Mia I decide to send him a text.
"Sooooo you fuck a close friend of mine then try to fuck me the night after damn well knowing what you did the night before...you're a dick."
He writes back this longggggg BS response that I don't reply back to.
This AM I reply, we get into it, and FINALLY this ass hat apologizes.
You aren't a dick for sleeping with someone else. You are a dick for KNOWING it was my friend and then just twiddling your fucking thumbs til I figured it out. "Amazed it took you so long" -- THAT statement right there is why you're a dick.
Your Velcro shoes, micro penis, and lack of brain are officially no longer my problem.
Thank you Megan for the BEST get out of jail free card.
So you think this is where the debauchery ends but ohhhhh no. This is just getting started.
Megan dips out, Double Trouble shows up, and Antonio is feeding us drinks....
I don't think that will ever get old.
PS Antonio, are you reading?
We took bets on it last night (he claims he never will read again but will listen to the podcast) and everyone bet there is a 100% chance that he still reads the blog, religiously.
(Who has the self control not to? I mean cmon now, lets be real.)
Guess we'll never know!
Happy Friday peeps.
My roommate is a moron.
Eventually he will find this blog and probably cry/cease being my friend because of this post...
the truth can definitely hurt.
You remember that Puerto Rico trip where the three of us nearly killed him?
or that time I returned from California and he bailed on picking me up from the airport because he was too busy hanging out with Becky?
You definitely remember Velcro and his shit taste in shoes.
Well you know that Arash and Velcro are "friends", at least on facebook.
Yesterday I get a text from Velcro...in allll caps...
"WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ARASH ABOUT MY SHOES, THIS IS SOME EVIL MEAN GIRLS SHIT."
Fuckinggggg Arash. What have you done now.
Then a screenshot of a facebook comment thread appears.
Arash: "Well wherever you lead them, make sure you do it in the shoes you wore last week."
Velcro: "Sick burn bruh"
FML. YOU CALLED HIM OUT ON THE SHOES ON FACEBOOK? YOU STUPID FUCK.
So I play dumb.
"Huh? He asked me after date 1 what was with the shoes and custom suit. I said IDK, then after date 2 I said you were injured? Is that really a big deal? He did see you when you came over...little reminder there."
Convo ends with Velcro saying..."This means I need to burn those shoes and salt the earth where they die."
CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH?!
So I hit up Arash on Gchat...
"You moron. Don't bring his bad shoes into a FB fight, first thing he assumed was I was shit talking him"
"I was just fuckin with him"
"Obviously. He said, "this is some mean girls shit" which I am aware of BUT he shouldn't be! So for future reference, don't take the shoe dig."
"hahahah sounds good. It was a funny burn though"
"NO IT FUCKING WASN'T. It makes me look like a shit talker!"
"You're right, it was mean. I will apologize"
"NO!!!! Don't say anything!!! He doesn't need to know we full out discussed this, just let it rest as is. If you mention it - it's blatant and that's even more awkward."
"Sounds good. I am dying laughing in my cubicle btw, totally made my day. Toodles"
"Get a hobby bro."
TOODLES? Fuck, I revoked your man card LONGGGG ago but toodles?! You are never getting it back now.
Fast forward to evening....
We are out for our gym happy hour and one of the trainers walks up.
Arash: "Hey Billy! So I took your class yesterday and we gotta discuss something..."
Billy (ex Marine, ripped, could kill Arash with his eyes): "Uhhh, what?"
Arash: "Your music man. It's just not good. Like we gotta like get like the beats like pumping and like your music just doesn't like do it for me."
Billy: "If you're looking for EDM, go to a different class. I'm not playing that shit." (still looking VERY unimpressed/likely wondering who the fuck this ass hat is berating his JOB)
Arash: starts getting hand motions and awkward body language involved "Yeah man, like you just like gotta get a faster pace going but like I really liked your class!"
Billy: Likely thinking - Uhhh cool, anyways I need to do anything but talk to you, cya guys.
I play interference and start jabbering about something unimportant, Mia compliments the shirt he's wearing and we are both like FML we can't take Arash ANYWHERE.
We get outside...
"ARASH, YOU CAN'T FUCKING INSULT SOMEONES CAREER LIKE THAT!!!!"
"I was just like giving him some like friendly feedback!"
"WELL DON'T!!!! YOU ARE SO EMBARRASSING!!!"
"Guys, I don't care."
GUYS, I DON'T CARE?!
WHY DON'T YOU CARE ARASH? THAT IS A PROBLEM BRO. START FUCKING CARING.
I can't deal with him anymore. I am so ready to look at living solo when our lease ends in October.
He is so blissfully unaware of EVERYTHING. I was railing him yet again for using the word like too much on the way to HH.
"I need to like go to LA and hang with my fellow Valley girls!"
(Man card bursts into flames, never to return again)
OH and remember when I asked ya'll to pray for him to get a gf??
They hooked up, guess it wasn't good, Becky went to Miami, ignored all his texts while she was away, gets back, he asks to take her on a date, she says she's gonna pass, and she doesn't wanna date him.
There goes that potential gf.
She teaches a bootcamp class at the Golds Gym he goes to...
Wednesday night - "Elle, I think I am going to show up at Becky's bootcamp class tonight, how funny would that be?!"
"Arash. Please think about what you just said. Then ask yourself, AM I A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT? You will find the answer is yes."
"I'm still salty as hell about her and I think it'd be funny!"
"The only thing funny about you showing up to her class after she has flat out rejected you is that this chick is in way better shape than you."
"Hey, I am in good shape."
"Arash, you and your dad bod are dandy but you surely couldn't teach a bootcamp class, you can barely survive an OTF class. DO NOT show up at the gym for her class, she will be forced to file a restraining order and then you'll be really bitter. Just stop speaking."
GUYS I KID YOU NOT. THIS IS MY LIFE. WHERE DID I FIND THIS GUY AND HOW THE FUCKKKKK DID I EVER CONSIDER DATING HIM?
MAJOR lapse in judgment, so glad I remedied that within a week. LORD.
Anyways, off to actually do work, work, work, work, work.
Or up - whichever works.
That Podcast I've been dreaming and scheming about is finalllllly becoming a reality.
I ordered the necessary shiz and it's on it's way from Amazon to my door.
Til it arrives, I will be reading all the how-to-guides possible. Don't expect perfection on the first run, you gotta bear with me as I figure this ish out.
Promise I will though, I am quite the perfectionist.
We will be recording once a week and I will try to have co-hosts as often as humanly possible to keep it fun.
You'll get updates on here when a new Pod has been posted and you'll obv. have to subscribe on Itunes & gimme all the five star reviews.
Our first co-host will be Lily.
Lily is new to the Champagne Campaign (my inner circle) as of last October. She is dating one of my closest friends (Adi) and she is the coolest/baddest bitch around. She's all real talk and her voice is much less annoying than mine so she'll help even things out. I am excited for ya'll to meet her!
The game plan is to drink a copious amount of champagne or rose or both prior to recording so our true feelings can really shine through.
Pending I figure it out quickly, you will be able to find it on SoundCloud and eventually Itunes (once they approve it).
SO get excited to put a voice to the person and hear about all the dating disasters vs just reading about them.
Here's to hoping I am funnier in real life than on paper?
SO FUCKING EXCITED!
GO FOLLOW OUR SOUNDCLOUD PAGE NOW TO BE ALERTED ASAP ONCE OUR FIRST EPISODE IS LIVE!
The best way to describe how I feel about literally everyone right now.
Velcro hasn't executed a date 3...I am pretty sure he's waiting on me to do that but cmon, you failed on date 2 and I am the girl here...This isn't date 5 or something.
^That shit makes me miss Antonio because our next date was always discussed on the current date. None of this pansy, horseshit. #growapair
I think I'm gonna suggest hanging out with Chase tomorrow night. He invited me over last night but like I said, the desire level was low plus it was the finale of my favorite show. #priorities
Lunch with Antonio...I also might suggest for tomorrow. Why not torture myself a little more? #funmistakes
XF wanted to come by tonight, I said nah gracias. Let's give this some breathing room & I didn't suggest the 60 day cut-off yet. Why? Well, as fucked up as it all sounds -- he's been really receptive to my feedback on what I need from him in order to even potentially consider a life together nowadays. I also told him to lose some damn weight because flabby isn't doing shit for me. #realtalk
It is so fucking cold in DC my motivation to do anything besides sleep, eat, and workout is minimal to none. I HATE COLD WEATHER.
Gimme the freaking sunshine and spring, pleaaaaaseeeeeee.
That's about it in the world of Elle. A few Tinder Toads are blowing me up but nothing that inspires me to actually show up/put makeup on/put on a parka/move.
I've been contemplating how I want to spend my final year in DC and I think it might be time to live solo again and say farewell to Arash. It's been a fun two years but I am missing my independence and not having someone to clean up after.
Sorry this is short, I promise when the snow melts I'll become fun again.
Fuck you Storm Stella.
1. Velcro is basically in love with me already. Everything I say he calls "adorable" with the kissy face emoji. Yawn. Couldn't you have feigned a little less interest so I'd be more interested? I'm guessing he's waiting on me to determine when date 3 is but I am waiting for him because he totally failed at planning date 2. I don't wanna have to do it all. Teaching you how to kiss properly will be time consuming enough.
2. Chase has been texting all day. Suggested a snow day rendezvous at his new place to break in his brand new bed...I am quite content in my own bed with no makeup, in my pajamas. The sex was good but his personality is ... so I'm in no rush to get to rendezvous 3. Maybeeee later this week.
3. XF wants to come see me tomorrow before he flies to California Thursday. Let me put this at the top of the list of things I don't want to happen. I am STILL mentally exhausted from Sunday night, why do you even wanna see me? I feel like when they sense you need space, they smother you even more. Why is that?
4. I am supposed to get lunch with Antonio this week. I know, I know we weren't supposed to be talking. He snapchatted me Friday and ever since, it's back to chatting as normal. I should re-name him in my phone as "a fun mistake" so every time I wanna snapchat him I am reminded of exactly where I stand. Also, it'd be kinda funny to keep seeing "a fun mistake" has sent you a snapchat! Fuck it, I'm changing it now.
Not letting myself fall down this rabbit hole again. No, no, no, no, no.
My tinder has been blowing up but in typical Elle fashion, I went on so many dates last week that I have no energy to go on any this week.
I know it sounds dumb but I kinda wanna meet someone and just "click" with them. Velcro was so uptight on date with his legs crossed and arms neatly folder in his lap, Chase was a freaking interview both times, Velcro second date was a moron moment of failing to make the correct reservation + the shaky tongue make out situation. IDK. Neither scenario left me anxious for more. Can't really think of a date when I have felt that way since Cyrus actually. That was one hell of a first date.
In need of some good topics to write about SO please comment or email me if you have something you'd like to hear about.
Today - Time for your favorite topic of conversation, relationships! The theme of the rest of the month is dynamic duos, as messenger Mercury flits into Aries and your seventh house of partnership today until March 31. Whether for business or pleasure, teaming up be gratifying—and profitable! There's no reason to go it alone now, so if you're single, stay open! If you join forces on a creative or professional endeavor, put the terms in writing, for both your sakes.
My monthly horoscope told me that March 12th would be a big day for me relationship wise.
Holy shit, that was yesterday...
And a big day it was.
It wasn't supposed to be.
XF had been up my ass about seeing each other and I found a new restaurant I wanted to try so he offered to take me Sunday.
We dine well together, why not?
Well, what started well did not end that way.
He shows up looking great (dressed perfectly as always) with a TON of my favorite flowers.
Hooooray to a Sunday funday that begins with flowers!
We head to our first destination for a pre-dinner snack and some champagne.
That's when he sees my tinder app has 1 notification.
"So you're still on tinder..."
Sigh. We are not together, you knew that. Why are we even going to discuss this?
The mood shifts and I desperately try and get back to the good vibes.
Finally, he warms back up to me.
As the night goes on, we end up arguing here and there about things of the past.
By the time we are in the uber, headed back to my place - we are both crying.
JESUS how did this escalate so fast?!
We go to bed angry, he's sobbing, threatens to leave and drive home, I talk him out of it and the whole night is just complete shit.
I remind him how I was girlfriend of the fucking year prior to him letting me down ten thousand damn times.
I remind him how his fucking fantasy football draft was more important than being present in the moment when meeting my ENTIRE FAMILY.
And how he didn't tell his cousin to fuck off when she was berating me at Starbucks or how he didn't deck her in the face when she asked him "how he could ever handle being married to someone with Muslim blood."
Yeah, I am still bitter as hell apparently.
It only really shows its ugly head when too much alcohol has been involved but geeeeesh, we went from a good time, to a decent time, to a really fucking bad time.
He's out of town for a few days (thank God) and I think I am going to suggest a 60 day detox where we just cease communication and see how we feel after 60 days.
This is all too much. I need to let go of my resentment towards him (whether we get married or not) it's the healthy thing to do and I MUST find a way to achieve that.
Just thinking about XF makes my head spin. Bleh.
Anyways, off to get some work done and battle this horrific hangover. Stay tuned for date 3's with Chase & Velcro. They're not planned yet but I feel them in my future.
So Mia & my college bff...he goes ON about how he's got such a massive crush and then....
FML, I hate you right now bro.
My tinder Bruces...where to begin.
Bruce #1/Chase didn't ghost me afterall. He texted today to check-in. The sex was on point but meh, he didn't leave me wanting more of his introverted personality. Could see a nice hook-up buddy situation in our future but I don't think he's my next boyfriend.
Bruce #2/Velcro didn't wear his geriatric shoes last night! (small victory) instead he wore his Nike gym shoes...I guess he has an injury so that explains the weird shoe situation. I'll let it slide now that I know what is going on. We had our second date last night and we met at the bowling alley. He was 15 minutes late which I didn't appreciate considering I hauled ass to get there on time (my workout ended at 7:30pm so I had to drive home, shower, makeup, hair, uber all within an hour) and I DID. Then we go to get our lane that he told me he had reserved andddddd the idiot made a dinner res, not a bowling one. "I did it on opentable" -- ummmm dude, you can't reserve bowling on opentable. PLEBIAN.
So we have a drink then decide to go do hookah. Our uber can't find us so we are running around outside foreverrrrr (it's freezing) and finally I tell him to just cancel it and let's get a taxi. Finalllllly he agrees, we grab a cab and go. We go to get out andddd he swipes his card to pay...denied. Hmmm....that's no good...I know these things can happen at awkward times for no good reason so I'll pretend I didn't notice and keep moving.
We are at the hookah spot having great conversation and he leans in to kiss me. He does this weird tongue thing where he moves it back and forth (left to right) really fast. Uhhhh...what are you doing Velcro? This is weird...
We kiss a handful more times, same thing...
It's now midnight, I've got an early workout in the morning, his kissing has kinda turned me off despite him being a very attractive fella (those muscles...). We are right near his apt and I tell him I'm sorry but I need to get to sleep, I am exhausted and I've got a workout in the AM. He thinks I'm lying about the workout and that I am trying to ghost him or something? IDK the whole exchange was really insecure/annoying. I told him I don't wanna sleep with him tonight, he says we could just cuddle, I say I'm no good at that, sorry but I gotta go. Side note I am also INSANELY hungry yet again. I've had 2 drinks and no proper dinner post gym so I NEED to get home and eat. (Which is exactly what I did, no shame in that game)
I will go on date 3 with him, I will likely hookup with him (might as well see what it's like) but I don't see a long term thing with him either. The whole Jewish bit really fucks things up. He might pretend to be down with a non-Jew for awhile but then when it comes time to get married and have kids...I can already see the argument arising on how they'll be raised, etc.
I just wanna find someone who is fine leaving religion out of the equation.
I was supposed to meet that surgeon today but I am kinda over dating for the week. Four dates in seven days is kind of taxing especially since I went from zero dates for the past few months to this.
I hate to admit it but I miss Antonio. We would text daily and now, its silence. I'm mad at him for going back to the ex, I'm mad at him for calling me a "fun mistake", I'm mad I ever let myself like him to begin with.
He's not even as hot as my dates this week have been but that doesn't seem to matter because while I sit around with Bruce #1 and #2, I wish I was with Antonio.
Praying that feeling ceases ASAP. It's only a matter of time til his ex starts posting cute shit with him tagged on fb. (atleast shes ugly?)
kiiiiilllllll me now.
My tinder dinner party went well! Arash made some friends and we all had a really good time. Ah, the friend zone. A wonderful place indeed.
Sorry this post kinda sucks, my head has been in the clouds alllllll weekend and I'm distracted for no apparent reason.
PS no 3rd dates set up with Chase or Velcro. Stay tuned...
I know I am on the very extroverted end of living and somehow, I keep finding introverted guys.
XF was, Babak was, and Liam was. That is over six years of my life (combined) dating introverts!
It's safe to say, I prefer the extroverts.
Bobby, Nate, Jake, Antonio, Rami. Alllll on the E scale of life.
Life is just more fun with someone who is outgoing and brings energy to a group.
My second date last night with Chase...decent but IDK if I can go down this introverted trail again...especially on the heels of Antonio who I didn't have to babysit in social settings.
So plans changed and Chase wound up coming to my house for a glass of wine before we walked to dinner.
I was actually really nervous (which doesn't happen to me often). So he comes over and I get him into my bedroom with the excuse that my roommate could get back at any moment so let's just hangout here. (Not my smoothest move but whatever)
So we lay in my bed, chatting, drinking wine and I am asking alllll the questions.
Sigh. This is kinda how date 1 was, I don't want it to be silence unless I am pushing the convos. Finally he sets his wine down and goes in for the kiss.
Not bad, not bad. (but I have had better)
That continues for awhile (loveeee a long makeout sesh) and then clothes are off (as expected) anddddd hello sex.
Lemme just say...every single guy (except Nate) that I've hooked up with since splitting with XF has been a magnum. I went my entire life prior to this encountering just 1 of those. Then allll the sudden, they are everywhere I turn.
The sex is fantastic. We totally connect and it's an A+ situation on the first try.
We decide we should get up and go get dinner but then he starts kissing me again and oops, round two is happening.
It's tough to find a guy who can recover in under ten minutes but Chase did and he did it WELL.
I could get used to this. Even Rami couldn't pull a move like Chase just did.
Finalllllly we get dressed and walk to dinner. We realize we have even more in common than we thought ( both only children with divorced parents face alot of the same challenges apparently) and it's kinda nice to talk to someone who understands. I've never dated an only child before so this is new terrain and I kinda like it?
Dinner once again feels like an interview (me asking, him answering) and I'm growing weary. We finish up dinner, walk back, he calls an uber, we kiss for 2.5 seconds, I thank him for a fun night and said let's do it again soon?
A bittttt of an awkward ending...
So let's see if this guy ghosts me or if he's just really hard to read. Date 1 I had no idea if he was going to ask me out again or not andddd he's admittedly an introvert. INFJ and I am an ENFJ.
I went from being 60/40 to 50/50 on him. The physical stuff is there but I am looking for a bit more than that.
We shall seeeeeee....
Tomorrow is date 2 with Velcro, kind of excited to see what shoes he wears, not gonna lie.
My pharmacist is stunningly handsome, 6'4, bright blue eyes, dark haired babe who I have been flirting with for approx. three years.
He's Egyptian and completely wonderful. His downsides are...he's been divorced and he has a child. Obviously I'd prefer to be someones first but sometimes you meet someone that you'll bend the rules for.
He is that guy for me.
So I walk in yesterday and none of his staff are in yet.
First thing he asks, "are you married yet?"
(He knows I am single and dating.)
I laugh, "of course not. Are you?"
"No, I was just checking. I am not feeling well today at all. Come give me a hug."
I walk towards him and hug him.
"Give me the hardest hug you can."
I squeeze tighter. (Mind you he is crazy tall and I'm only 5'7)
"Mmmmmm....so good. Can you come twice a day, everyday?"
Damn, that's the most flirtation I've gotten from him. Must be because the staff isn't around?
"If you shave this beard, I'll consider it."
"What?! You don't like it? The older ladies love it."
"Well this younger lady doesn't"
(He's 35, I am 28 so not a huge age difference.)
Then he says, "you should come babysit my son. He's so cute and you love kids."
(He's my fb friend so he sees the dozens of photos I post with my angelic little cousins)
He whips out his phone and shows me a few photos of his son. He is really cute. Is this babysitting ploy a way to get me to come over to gauge if I can hang with your kid/determine if you could date me?
"I'd love to babysit, he's adorable, and I love kids."
Then a customer walks in and I depart.
The connection is there -- ASK ME OUT, good Lord. He's probably overthinking this x10000 because I send my clients to his pharmacy and if it didn't work out, it could be awkward.
He is also super jaded because of his ex.
Probably not the smartest tree for me to bark up but he's so kind and so gorgeous....butterflies even thinking about him.
Egyptian is also my favorite flavor.
Onto things that are actually occurring: tonights second date with Chase.
He called me last night (which is crazy, who makes phone calls anymore?) and suggested I drive to his place and we can walk to dinner from there. His voice is incredibly hot and he is a baaabe. I am excited for round two with this guy. :) I also woke up to a text from him about music and the exchanged ended with, "can't wait to see you tonight!" Eeeeeeee!
Date 2 with Velcro is Friday. I gave him a get out of jail free card for our date. He mentioned wanting to raise his kids Jewish and I'm not anti-Jew but I am anti raising my kids religiously. I wasn't and that let me decide as an adult if/what I wanted to label myself as. I intend to do the exact same for my kids. So IDK if it's a deal breaker for him but it is for me. He wants to keep the date so we shall keep the date. I guess we can dive deeper into this then?
Talk about a crazy week of dates. Saturday I have another new one with a surgeon I matched with yesterday. He seems funny and assured me his shoe game is on point. (I changed my tinder profile to read, "a connoisseur of all good things & a big fan of guys with stellar taste in shoes") So far, the shoe part has started a lot of fun tinder chats. I guess I can thank Velcro for that one?
LASTLY - Antonio and I were texting yesterday and he referred to our Saturday late night hookup as "a fun mistake". Ummmm...no. Not saying the bathroom sex was meaningful but no. He also said not to put my life on hold for him. Uhhhh do you know me? Sure as fuck am not doing that. So I am cutting communication. If he contacts me, I'll reply but no more sending the first snap or text. FUUUUUCK that. Go take back your ex and get back to being basic already. Stop prolonging the inevitable, damn Bruce.
Anyways, wish me luck tonight with Chase, Thursday with my dinner party of X tinder dates, Friday with Velcro, and Saturday with surgeon.
What do you do when...
You have a pretty decent date who is wearing a custom suit and looks pretty legit but then
you notice he's wearing these shoes and you feel like vomiting instantly?
I shit you not.
Custom made suit and geriatric, velcro shoes.
Before we reallllly dive deep into this shoe dilemma, let me explain the rest of this date. (fun fact, velcro just texted me to say, "you probably already know this, but you're a boss kisser."- aw shiiiiiit, catching feelings already)
I show up at this trendy restaurant, STARVING because I worked out early and didn't eat prior so I'd actually have an appetite for this date. I walk in and he's sitting at a table so I assume he is feeding me.
"Hey so I'm not really hungry, are you good with just drinks?"
Um no motherfucker I am starving but now this is weird so...
"Oh yeah, I'm not hungry either - I'll just order a drink."
I am one of those bitches who gets hangry. I have to eat every few hours because 1. I revamped my metabolism and by doing so, you have to eat/snack every 2-3 hours 2. When I don't eat, I get restless and irritated quiteeeeee quickly, it's not a good look. FEED ELLE.
So we are chatting and velcro admits he's a republican.
Well, fuck. I would've swiped no but you didn't have that in your profile. He admits most girls in DC swipe no on republicans which is why he omits it from his profile.
Antonio's profile read... "a bad hombre looking for a nasty woman" and instantly I knew, he had his head screwed on straight.
But anyways, back to velcro.
So he tricks me into that one but explains he's not a Trump supporter. Ok, ok...
Then we discuss religion.
He's Jewish and wants to raise his kids that way but doesn't care if his wife is.
Ummmm...not gonna raise my kids religiously soooo yeaaaah...
He does want to move to California soon...
okay, I can fuck with that.
He's wearing a custom suit, also fuckable.
Since he knows Arash we had planned for him to come back to my place and surprise him. We both drove so he follows me back and we outline our plan.
"Let's walk in holding hands, I'll yell at Arash to come out because I think I met my soulmate, he'll come out, see you, freak out, you say I think we are gonna get married, this girl is perfect, he can laugh and it'll be great."
We essentially stick to the plan and Arash is shocked. We all hangout for a bit on the couch and that's when I notice the shoes....
Oh these shoes are enough to make you want to jump off a bridge and end it all right now.
A CUSTOM SUIT WITH VELCRO, GERIATRIC SHOES?!
I can't believe what I am seeing...
I do have a weird fetish for guys with great taste in shoes (Gucci/Ferragamo/Tod's loafers are really my kinda scene) but I can deal with a basic Nordstrom loafer...
What I can't deal with is this shit. I can't stop staring and it makes me feel kindaaaaa sick.
The dudes catch up on life and finallyyyyyy he goes to depart. Our date began at 7:30pm and now it's 10:30pm and I haven't eaten since 3pm...Hangry level is at an allllll time high + I feel sick after seeing this horrrrrible shoe.
I go to walk to him to the elevator and he says....
"So this is what I think we should do...you are amazing and I'd love to see you again, I know I dropped the Republican bomb on your head so I understand if you never want to see me again."
I sit there silently and ponder my next move....
Those shoes are pretty horrendous but he was a nice enough guy...
How do I break this tie...I am verrrrrry 50/50 on him.
So I move in closer and kiss him.
Yes, I kissed him first.
It was pretty good so I decided hey, let's give this kid one more shot. If those shoes appear again though...I'm gonna have to call this one quits.
So I pull back and say, "I think we can do a 2nd date...if you were a bad kisser my answer would've been no because who wants to waste their time."
Then he kisses me again. This time it's even better.
"So I know you have a second date Wednesday...free Thursday?"
"Actualllly Thursday I am having an ex-tinderfella dinner at my house so Arash can make some new friends..."
"You're kidding, right?"
"No, these guys were great but just not my type so I friend zoned them and I think Arash will really like them both so I invited them all over for dinner Thursday."
"Damn, you are adorable and absolutely hilarious. I'll let your schedule dictate date #2 then..."
"Perfect, I'll check my calendar and let you know. Ciao, ciao!"
Like I said before, I am very 50/50 on this guy. I wasn't sold on Antonio after our first date either but I'd say he was more a 70/30 situation and obviously by the end, he really grew on me. Chase I am 60/40 on but he's insanely attractive so I'm thinking he's gonna jump the leaderboard.
You never know what will happen and I am working on being more openminded. Maybe velcro will let me throw away all of his shoes?
Here's to hoping?
Imagine you have a perfect glass vase. It's flawless and beautiful. Now imagine you drop it. A few pieces break but you are able to glue it back together. It still functions.
Imagine you drop it again. A few more pieces break and you glue it back together again. It's not as pretty as it was but it still works.
Imagine you drop it a third time. The broken pieces are so small, its hard to get them glued back together and the bigger pieces aren't fitting with the small anymore. When you're done trying to put it back together, water seeps from the edges because you've broken it one too many times.
This is what happens when you go backwards and try to fix things with an ex.
It's clearly on the forefront of my mind due to Antonio/his ex + my situation with XF.
They only broke their vase once so there is still hope for fixing it to a usable standard...
Me on the other hand....well, we have broken x3 and the more I try, the more the pieces aren't fitting and the feelings aren't coming back like they used to.
After we broke up the first and second time...I felt paralyzed. How will I ever live without him? How will I ever find someone better than him? The third time? I was ready to never see him again. Sure, I had weak moments but my mind was made up that this was finished.
Of course he comes crawling back (they always do) and I caved and spoke to him. After five months, caved and saw him.
Fast forward 8 months and the vase is still leaking water. Despite hiring a professional to put it back together (his therapist) we still can't keep the flowers watered and alive.
As much as I want this to work with him...the more time that passes, the more I realize I think there is someone else out there for me that I'll be more compatible with...whose love language will align with mine.
It's a sad realization to come to but slowly, I think that's the direction I am headed.
This is why it's so important to hold onto what you have, when you have it. If you let the vase break, there is no guarantee you'll get it back together and even if you do, it'll never be as beautiful as it once was.
I don't blame Antonio for trying to put the vase back together again...it's so fucking hard not to.
But now he has me...and I think I am a risk he feels might be worth taking...
Let's see what he does.
PS tonights date recap will be posted tomorrow AM!
What a weeeeekend.
Friday was a much needed girls night that involved way too much rose & pizza (not diet goals) and Saturday was an evening of debauchery.
Friday night: let me start by explaining the back story - I texted Rami earlier Friday, I miss you. He replies, I miss you too, I haven't had sex since you left. Ummmm I left Sunday...that's not exactly a feat? Granted, I have had sex since then but thats not important. So I ask, well what are you going to do about that? He replies, "IDK I've been thinking about that lately...."
THEN I get a call from him.
"HEY babe!!! I just had a coffee date and a lunch date but I don't think I will see either girl again. They both talked too much, not my type."
Uhhhhh why are you calling to tell me about your dates? Clearly I like you enough to fly across the country to hang out with you, sure I don't think we are gonna date exclusively but cmon, a little common sense here bud... He then tells me he plans to come visit me in April in DC, he wishes I was there, misses all the sex we had, wants to see my lingerie collection, etc. I'm in the midst of girls night, this kids gottta gooooo.
Once the girls leave, his best friend facetimes me. I'm kinda buzzy from all the champagne so I answer. I explain what Rami said and how stupid it all is. He tells me Rami likes me the most and talks about me all the time and was so happy to show me off at his birthday. YAWN. This is stupid. So we hang up and I text Rami, "just facetimed with M." He texts that he isn't going out with them.
"With so many girls, you don't need to go out."
"Cmon I don't! I don't stay in touch with them."
"Coffee and lunch."
"But nothing happened. I would rather be with you than out."
I fall asleep.
I awake to, "helllloooooo"
"someone is upset...."
"no no, all is good. fell asleep last night texting you"
"I know you did, it was late for you. Don't be upset please. I don't like to see you sad because of me. Breaking someones heart is easy."
"You won't break mine."
"I don't want to do that to you"
"You can't, don't worry."
UMMMM what kind of fucking moron are you?! Break my heart? Really?! EW that would imply I love you which I 10000% do not. Fell into a lapse of judgment lust but beyond that, I give zero fucks about you Bruce. GTFO of here with this breaking heart b/s.
If anyone is getting hurt in this, promise it won't be me.
Don't you love when guys underestimate me?
I sure as hell do.
SO now it's Saturday night. I scoop up Mia from her house and we head into the city.
I tell 7 friends who pretty much only know me to show up at a bar. Somehow, everyone shows up, gets along, and it's a fantastic time.
I also successfully set Mia up with my college bff Tim. Setting Mia up is next to impossible because she is quite picky (sorry love you boo) and we know all the same people (OG best bitch since HS). They clicked and made out (such a win, I am so fucking happy) sooooo stay tuned for how that one pans out...my fingers are crossed as tight as humanly possible. Besties dating each other would be $$$$$.
onto the real story....
Shows up after many rounds of drinks and I am annoyingly excited to see him. We had planned 100% for Sunday spin but Saturday I wasn't too sure about it.
Ew Elle, get a damn grip. You were his back up option, you cut him off from the physical fun, YOU are now his FRIEND with no benefits.
That stupid giddy feeling in my stomach is undeniable though.
Everytime I see him I get that feeling. Maybe it's because I can't have him completely? Perhaps I like the thrill of the chase with him too. Whatever it is, I really want to feel it with someone who I can actually date and fall in love with.
So far so good, we are doing well in the friend zone.... until I ask about the ex progress and he sighs. "I don't want to talk about it...it's been a bad with together."
"Are you back on, 100% now?"
"No. Not yet."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Honestly Antonio, this girl is the reason I can't have you and as your back up option since November, you're gonna fucking talk and explain wtf is going on. Spill."
"Elle, you're stuck in my head. I don't want to have sex with her, the attraction went away or something, IDK how to fix it. I don't want to lose her, she's a great person and I love her friends." (I am shortening a very long convo, FYI)
"Well...I am a pretty decent human being and clearly, my friends are legit as well...we could be happy Antonio...I really like you, I wanted to date you. I haven't dated really since I met you, you were enough...but don't compare me to her. She is beautiful in a different way than me, she has to be for you to date her and who knows if we dated, we could wind up hating each other...two years in vs four months is very different."
Jesus drunk Elle, SHUT UP. Cringing at myself as I type this.
"You are amazing and I didn't know really where I stood with you...You are so beautiful and you challenge me...I love talking to you. IDK what I am doing."
"Don't go backwards then...."
Stop begging him like some pathetic loser. JFC - someone slap me.
And then I think I kissed him. I don't remember the moment/how it all began but I do remember sitting in a corner, on his lap, kissing fiercely. Damn, this chemistry can't be made up...I can't stop myself.
We decide it's a good idea to get condoms. We leave the bar to go to 711, buy some, walk back into the bar, go to the bathroom and have some hot, crazy, quick sex.
I liveeeee for sex in crazy places (this bathroom was insanely clean) and oh man, Antonio is so aggressive and MMMMM I could get used to this. It's a magnetic attraction.
We leave the bathroom, go back to the corner, get back to kissing and before we know it the lights are coming on in the bar. We look at the time and it's 3am...Jesus, how did it get so late?
We grab an uber, he hops out at his spot, and I go home solo.
Then before you know it, it's 9:30am Sunday and we reunite for that spin class. Note to self, stop fucking scheduling weekend AM workouts, unnecessary torture, being fat and well rested is better than thin and feeling like death.
We kept discussing how we really thought we'd be able to do the friend thing...he also admitted he was a bit too excited to see me but really felt he'd be able to resist.
Once I saw him and we started talking I knew there was a 0% chance I could sit there and not kiss him. I'm usually pretty good at keeping my shit together. I even had the persian tinder toad show up so I'd be more inclined to avoid Antonio. I told my friends, keep me away from him, I can't get attached again.
So much for that plan.
In the midst of the Antonio rendezvous I made sure to snap chat a few key photos with hot persian toad. Rami and his friends were watching my every move and he had texted me a few times to which I didn't respond. Sure enough, the second I'd post something - he was one of the first to watch it. Proof I am absolutely not falling in love with you. Don't fuck with me kid.
So now we've covered the old...Let's dig into the new... my date tonight!
IDK why but I have zero energy today. I feel completely zapped so I guess it's a good thing I don't have any meetings and today is my rest day from the gym because DAMN, I'm a zombie.
Last night was a date night with XF.
He shows up with my kitty cats that he happily babysat all of February and hands me my Valentine's Day gift which was incredibly thoughtful AND useful.
Has anyone ever stayed at a Westin hotel? If you have, you'll notice their lobby and hallways smell insanely good - always.
Well, I am kind of obsessed with perfume, candles, diffusers, etc so XF got me the Westin White Tea home diffuser which is quite pricey and so thoughtful!
We've never stayed at a Westin together so for him to know that their hotel scent is my absolute favorite is crazy! Clearly, I loved the gift.
(Guys, you gotta come over and sniff my apartment, it's soooooo gooooood)
So he kept saying, "wheres my gift, wheres my gift?" And I kept telling him he's too hard to shop for, etc.
SO finally we are laying in my bed and start kissing when his hands start to wander. I take off my sweatshirt dress and expose the lingerie I'm wearing. (If this isn't an effort to spice things back up, IDK what is) and I say, here's your gift, unwrap me.
We have mediocre sex, get dressed, and head into the city.
We hop around to a few different locations for drinks and food. We catch each other attacking the other at random, stupid points throughout the night.
1. (before we left) I went to grab a cat from the backseat and he jumped past me, leading to a crazy game of cat and mouse through my parking garage and XF was ready to murder me. Clearly I didn't mean to let the cat out/didn't think he'd run - this isn't ideal for me to be running around in lingerie under a sweatshirt dress....I stayed calm and he kept calling me an idiot. We didn't handle it well.
2. I asked about his friends wedding and he thought I was asking about someone who is already married to which I replied, "no dumbfuck, they are obviously already married." That was a bit much for a simple mixup...My bad/wtf is wrong with me?
3. The uber dropped us off nowhere near our destination and he goes, "Jesus Elle, can't you fucking put the address in?" Ummm jackass, I may suck at directions BUT I damn well put the address in, I've never been to this restaurant thus I didn't realize he dropped us in the wrong place. "Let me type it in, I don't trust you" -- You don't trust that I know how to spell the name of the restaurant? DAMN, blame the goddamn driver, not me.
4. He said something romantic and I asked a completely unrelated question which then "killed the mood". The way he says romantic things, never come across as romantic and thus they don't really register for me. Once again, my bad.
This is a random interjection but my aunt in California asked me when I was home if I'd be with XF if he wasn't successful and smart. I instantly said no. He doesn't fulfill enough of the other things I want in a partner for me to say yes. She then said, you have your answer on what you need to do. I'm not with XF for $ but I am not attracted to stupid guys who aren't highly ambitious and driven. I don't want a mediocre life. I've always known that mediocre is exactly what I want to avoid (Looking at you Liam). I feel like a power couple with XF and we have all the same hobbies/interests (except I like the gym more than he does.) I felt like a gold digger after my aunt asked me that so I decided to tell XF about the convo, word for word. I told him without his success, I'd be out the door. He said, success draws me to you too, I would've never dated you if you didn't have a career/weren't really ambitious. SO we are equally guilty in this which did make me feel better but also made me sad that maybe we value the wrong things in each other. Today he showed me my engagement ring stock account fund...I'm not going to share the amount but it's a little insane. I think he knows he can play those cards with me and remind me that no one else can bring to the table the stability, common interests, ambition, and kindness that he can. When I saw that account I felt sick and wished he hadn't shown me. Don't use these things to draw me in, I wish I didn't know. It also made me think...maybe I could be happy with a guy with a small house, a mediocre ring, but who provided the best emotional and physical connection. Butttttttt I really just want it all. :(
A part of me thinks we will never be able to fix this emotional intelligence bridge between us. I am very high on the EQ spectrum and he has virtually none. I know therapy takes time and I am giving it to him BUT it is really taxing to be patient and not lose my temper every few minutes. At one point, I was thinking about Rami and how it's kinda nice his english isn't perfect because it leaves less room for argument. Isn't that terrible?
Anyways, I think that our underlying issue with the sexual disconnect is my discontentment with his EQ. IF that can drastically improve, so will the sex.(thats the underlying issue that therapist suggested) I was telling a friend today how I'd really like him to lose some weight and tone up...and she said, when you really love someone, you don't notice their flaws like that - there is an underlying issue that losing weight won't fix for you two. And she's right. I remember Bobby had the WORST acne and everyone was baffled at how it didn't bother me but Bobby fulfilled my top two love languages, 100% - (words & physical) so his acne was never on my radar. I really loved him.
What sucks is XF is trying. He will say nice things and tell me he loves me but the way he executes it seems forced/isn't romantic at all. He does this sing songy "I loveeeee you" thing that I find absolutely infuriating.
Luckily, he's traveling for a lot of March so I will have more time to keep overthinking everything, dating other people, and enjoying my singleness.
On that front - I've talked to Rami a littttttle bit (nothing notable, book a flight already - I miss your body), I am seeing Antonio for a spin & coffee friend date Sunday morning, I have a date with a new tinder toad Sunday evening, and two more toads lined up for the following week. (one toad studied with Arash and the other knows/works on a start up with one of my business mentors...)
Lastly, I reached out to Rams to hang as friends. I think enough time has passed that we can actually be cool/he is the nicest guy so I'd like to keep him. Also successfully turned another tinder toad (persian fella, idk what we named him) into my friend and he's been up my ass to hangout too. Maybe I should hold a meet up with all of my tinder toad friends? I could surely fill a room. ;)
(gold stars to G and Sam for being my favorites)
That's about it in the wild world of Elle. Wish me luck on Sunday's date...he is quite a story but I'm gonna save it all for after we've met.
Hold your fire, Libra! The zodiac’s pacifist is feeling heated early this week—and your intensity is pointing outward. (UMMM Arash + I's feud from Sunday...FIRE)
This Monday, February 27 combative Mars and combustible Uranus team up in Aries and your seventh house of partnerships. Frustration that’s been simmering below the surface could bubble over like molten lava. Who knew you were THAT ticked off? That’s the downside of trying to sidestep conflict. Smoothing over problems will only make them come back with greater fierceness, until you invariably explode. (Spoiler alert, I exploded) Maybe you haven’t gotten to that point yet (here’s hoping). Nevertheless, the Mars-Uranus duo is here to liberate you from paralyzing politeness and give voice to the things that desperately need improvement. Apply this to all your relations: romantic, business, family, creative collaborations. Depending on where you read on the rage-o-meter, it might be best to source a levelheaded third party for your initial venting. From the bedroom to the boardroom to band practice, there’s some “clearing of the air” to do, but this is never best done when smoke is pouring out of your ears. And with “speak first, think later” Jupiter in Libra (and retrograde at that) sitting directly across the table from Mars and Uranus all week, you could wind up with a wedge-heeled bootie in your mouth. Fume to your therapist (or surrogate therapist friend) until you get clear about what is bugging you. Once you’ve distilled the problem, sit with your feelings for a bit. Make sure you’re in a proactive headspace before you set up a tete-a-tete with the offending party. You’ll know you’re there when you can calmly spell out what’s not working and deliver a few creative solutions for better cooperation. Fortunately, on Sunday sensible Saturn makes a positive connection to Mars and cooler heads will prevail.
Can’t get yourself to that state of serenity? It may be time to spring free from an unfulfilling union.(XF??) One of the benefits of the Mars-Uranus merger is that these planets make you one lusty and liberated Libra. If you’re “free to explore,” this could be a week for your future romantic memoirs (or maybe your locked diary). Book yourself a “breakover” day at the salon (umm Saturday already booked my salon appointment a month ago!) and see who pops up on Tinder while you’re sitting under the dryer, randomly swiping. Partnered Libras don’t have to miss out on the fun. You’ll have the courage to play out one of those naughtier fantasies this week or at least turn them into some hella spicy pillow talk.
Another prompt to clean up the past comes on Saturday when your ruling planet Venus pivots into retrograde until April 15. This U-Turn happens every 18 months—a time to do some relationship reckoning and to get all your connections back into balance. You’ll feel that urge double strength until April 2, as Venus retreats through Aries and your seventh house of partnerships. If the Mars-Uranus merger didn’t excavate buried issues, Venus’ backspin will. An ex could return with unfinished business (Nate?)—even the second chance you’ve been hoping for. But be careful about opening those doors, Libra, since Venus’ backspin can muddle your better judgment. (Yeah, gonna pass on him)
From April 2 to 15, Venus drifts back into Pisces and your sixth house of work and wellness. If you abandoned your self-care rituals, it’s time to weave them back in to your schedule. Managing relationships at work—and your time—will be essential to this process. No, Libra, you won’t make it to 6PM Pilates if you allow coworkers to bend your ear about their boyfriends or keep Facebook notifications on while you’re trying to get through your assignments! Monotask instead of multitask—and be crystal clear with colleagues that you need to reserve personal talks for happy hour. (No one gets in the way of me and gym so don't worry world, I'm not gonna wake up fat anytime soon)
Also, my monthly horoscope said....
Libras may feel this Venus-retrograde cycle more than most signs, because until April 2, the love planet will reverse through Aries and your seventh house of relationships. With hot-blooded Mars also in Aries until March 9, it’s intensified even more. An ex could resurface, declaring you the “one that got away.” Or you might be tempted to trek down Memory Lane, romanticizing a past paramour. Remember that nostalgia is a lovely eraser, so before you elevate an old flame to superhuman status, spend legit time together. Post-midnight chat sessions with a glass of wine aren’t exactly accurate barometers.
March 12 - Let it go, Libra. Whether that’s a longstanding resentment or a connection that's exceeded its expiration date, clinging to the past is futile. (XF???) The year’s only full moon in your twelfth house of surrender helps you release a situation to the universe. Let the divine forces transmute any pain into healing, instead of trying to force an outcome.
Should be quite a month....I am so ready.
- Writers -