Hi, it's G again (the original G, so as not to confuse you by Sam's post)
As I am newly single again (until Elle finds me an appropriate pomegranate) I have been thinking about some dating adventures and misadventures. Elle knows that her readers have little to no interesting in the former, so here are a couple of tastes of the latter.
My S.O.P. for online dating was to always have a phone conversation before meeting up. For the millennials, that means that I would call the girl on the phone instead of texting her. I would speak words to her and she would do the same to me. I felt it was a good filter or time saver and there were at least two occasions where I ended the phone call without making a date.
After making a connection on JDate, and the attendant instant messaging, I asked for a phone number so as to call the young lady and have one of those conversation thingies. She politely refused and said she prefers to simply meet up. The yellow flag that was immediately raised was overcome by my boredom and curiosity. Further, she lived really close to me so I could walk to the bar to meet her for a drink.
Now, I wish I could remember her name or anything interesting about her, but I cannot. I might blame my poor memory or the fact that this happened years and years ago, but I think it had more to do with that there just was not a lot TO remember about this girl. What I do remember was that she and I were so clearly repulsed by each other and within about 3 minutes of meeting up. There was technically nothing wrong with her: seemingly intelligent, attractive enough, etc. However, the conversation was painfully slow and boring. The only thing I can remember about her was that she was on the board of her condo association. Now, you ask why I remember this? Well it was a highly recurring topic for her, as I think she was trying to impress me with her important position. Why was she repulsed by me? ...hard to say.
We got through a very painful drink and there was not even a glimmer of a second one. She offered to pay for her drink but the 7 or 8 dollars it was going to cost me was FAR less costly than another 5 minutes with her while we would wait for a check. I stood up, did not even give her a hug or a handshake, and happily watched her walk out (actually, I didn't even watch). After a half-hearted attempt to get the waitress's phone number I vowed to always have a phone conversation before a date. Unfortunately, times have changed and texting is the preferred method now. However, what do people think about bringing back the phone call? Can we save ourselves some time?
Alright, now that you have heard about bat shit Reena, lets fast forward 6 years. My roommate G and I were out in the city when he suggested that we hit up a charity party across town. I’m all for charity, but I knew the crowd at this party wasn't really my type due to the source that G got the party details from. Whatever, never know what you’ll find, right? Boy did I find something.
We show up and it hits me like a Ray Rice domestic dispute punch. I see Reena about 20lbs heavier dancing away. I didn't think it was her at first due to her ballooning but it was her. Before I could drown myself in more alcohol, we make eye contact. She comes up to me and I’m having flashbacks to Starbucks banshee sobbing. She’s wasted too.
We exchange pleasantries and she asks what I’m up to etc. and she walks away. Simple enough? I think not… The party is winding down and Reena comes up to me and pulls me aside and asks if we could talk. I’m about 5 Makers on the rocks deep, so sure. She proceeds to tell me that she hated me for a really long time but has forgiven me and that mutual friends have vouched I was a good dude.
Uhh thanks mutual friends. We have mutual friends? Who? But thanks.
Anyway, I try not to talk to her too long and G and I roll out in an Uber. As the Uber pulls in front of mine and G’s place, I get a weird Facebook message from Reena asking to catch up. I oblige with the intention to ghost out of this request.
Two weeks later, another message showed up asking to meet up. A dilemma is upon me. Do I become an asshole again and just not reply, or do I meet up and establish good karma? I consult a few friends, including Elle and decide to go on the date.
I suggest a place close to my apartment because I don’t want to travel far for this and of course this is mid week because I can’t waste a valuable weekend night on this. Reena is at the bar early waiting and I get the chills as I walk in. I keep thinking to myself, what my game plan is? What am I trying to get out of this? DRAWING BLANKS.
Our convo consists of giving the abridged version of our life from the past 6 years. She tells me about her dating failures, being cheated on, etc. Tries to get me to reminisce about the “good times.” we had. I’m thoroughly bored at this point because really, I don’t care and I’m kind of regretting my decision…until this moment. Reena proceeds to tell me that she is talking to a guy from my hometown on a dating app. Immediately, I ask her to show a picture of this guy, because there is a good chance I know who the guy is.
ITS MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD, GP. I start laughing hysterically. She’s wondering what’s going on and I tell her to screen shot the picture and send it to me. I proceed to tell her its my best friend and she’s somewhat embarrassed.
I end the date right after that. Of course I tell GP about this and he proceeds to delete her off the app.
I think she hates me now.
- Writers -