Eventually he will find this blog and probably cry/cease being my friend because of this post...
the truth can definitely hurt.
You remember that Puerto Rico trip where the three of us nearly killed him?
or that time I returned from California and he bailed on picking me up from the airport because he was too busy hanging out with Becky?
You definitely remember Velcro and his shit taste in shoes.
Well you know that Arash and Velcro are "friends", at least on facebook.
Yesterday I get a text from Velcro...in allll caps...
"WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ARASH ABOUT MY SHOES, THIS IS SOME EVIL MEAN GIRLS SHIT."
Fuckinggggg Arash. What have you done now.
Then a screenshot of a facebook comment thread appears.
Arash: "Well wherever you lead them, make sure you do it in the shoes you wore last week."
Velcro: "Sick burn bruh"
FML. YOU CALLED HIM OUT ON THE SHOES ON FACEBOOK? YOU STUPID FUCK.
So I play dumb.
"Huh? He asked me after date 1 what was with the shoes and custom suit. I said IDK, then after date 2 I said you were injured? Is that really a big deal? He did see you when you came over...little reminder there."
Convo ends with Velcro saying..."This means I need to burn those shoes and salt the earth where they die."
CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH?!
So I hit up Arash on Gchat...
"You moron. Don't bring his bad shoes into a FB fight, first thing he assumed was I was shit talking him"
"I was just fuckin with him"
"Obviously. He said, "this is some mean girls shit" which I am aware of BUT he shouldn't be! So for future reference, don't take the shoe dig."
"hahahah sounds good. It was a funny burn though"
"NO IT FUCKING WASN'T. It makes me look like a shit talker!"
"You're right, it was mean. I will apologize"
"NO!!!! Don't say anything!!! He doesn't need to know we full out discussed this, just let it rest as is. If you mention it - it's blatant and that's even more awkward."
"Sounds good. I am dying laughing in my cubicle btw, totally made my day. Toodles"
"Get a hobby bro."
TOODLES? Fuck, I revoked your man card LONGGGG ago but toodles?! You are never getting it back now.
Fast forward to evening....
We are out for our gym happy hour and one of the trainers walks up.
Arash: "Hey Billy! So I took your class yesterday and we gotta discuss something..."
Billy (ex Marine, ripped, could kill Arash with his eyes): "Uhhh, what?"
Arash: "Your music man. It's just not good. Like we gotta like get like the beats like pumping and like your music just doesn't like do it for me."
Billy: "If you're looking for EDM, go to a different class. I'm not playing that shit." (still looking VERY unimpressed/likely wondering who the fuck this ass hat is berating his JOB)
Arash: starts getting hand motions and awkward body language involved "Yeah man, like you just like gotta get a faster pace going but like I really liked your class!"
Billy: Likely thinking - Uhhh cool, anyways I need to do anything but talk to you, cya guys.
I play interference and start jabbering about something unimportant, Mia compliments the shirt he's wearing and we are both like FML we can't take Arash ANYWHERE.
We get outside...
"ARASH, YOU CAN'T FUCKING INSULT SOMEONES CAREER LIKE THAT!!!!"
"I was just like giving him some like friendly feedback!"
"WELL DON'T!!!! YOU ARE SO EMBARRASSING!!!"
"Guys, I don't care."
GUYS, I DON'T CARE?!
WHY DON'T YOU CARE ARASH? THAT IS A PROBLEM BRO. START FUCKING CARING.
I can't deal with him anymore. I am so ready to look at living solo when our lease ends in October.
He is so blissfully unaware of EVERYTHING. I was railing him yet again for using the word like too much on the way to HH.
"I need to like go to LA and hang with my fellow Valley girls!"
(Man card bursts into flames, never to return again)
OH and remember when I asked ya'll to pray for him to get a gf??
They hooked up, guess it wasn't good, Becky went to Miami, ignored all his texts while she was away, gets back, he asks to take her on a date, she says she's gonna pass, and she doesn't wanna date him.
There goes that potential gf.
She teaches a bootcamp class at the Golds Gym he goes to...
Wednesday night - "Elle, I think I am going to show up at Becky's bootcamp class tonight, how funny would that be?!"
"Arash. Please think about what you just said. Then ask yourself, AM I A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT? You will find the answer is yes."
"I'm still salty as hell about her and I think it'd be funny!"
"The only thing funny about you showing up to her class after she has flat out rejected you is that this chick is in way better shape than you."
"Hey, I am in good shape."
"Arash, you and your dad bod are dandy but you surely couldn't teach a bootcamp class, you can barely survive an OTF class. DO NOT show up at the gym for her class, she will be forced to file a restraining order and then you'll be really bitter. Just stop speaking."
GUYS I KID YOU NOT. THIS IS MY LIFE. WHERE DID I FIND THIS GUY AND HOW THE FUCKKKKK DID I EVER CONSIDER DATING HIM?
MAJOR lapse in judgment, so glad I remedied that within a week. LORD.
Anyways, off to actually do work, work, work, work, work.