I make no promises though so enjoy it while you can.
If you couldn't tell, I have become an ever bigger bitch than before...thank you life for really helping groom me into the B you know and love.
Since it's been awhile & we have ALOT to cover let's just jump right in...
This weekend marked the nuptials of two very special people. Without these two, Mia & I wouldn't be best friends. We wouldn't know what its like to recover from being cheated on by your first love, we wouldn't know what TRUE bitterness tastes like. So thank you dickhead#1 & #2.
What would we do without you?
Be happy and perhaps married? Nah, that'd be too lucky and us non-cheaters don't deserve that kind of karma. Apparently.
(explicit content to follow)
What the fuck are the odds that BOTH of our high school "sweethearts/dickheads" got married on the SAME day, both in the middle of nowhere?
These jackasses cheated on both of us & these super lucky gals are their second serious girlfriends EVER.
Mia's ex, dickhead#2 cheated on her with Woof while studying abroad in Spain...conveniently he chose Spain because when he went to visit Mia THE SEMESTER PRIOR - he loved it. Then boom, decides he will do the program as soon as she is back in the USA and boom, meets Woof. Fast forward - he returns from his semester, is constantly texting Woof while still dating Mia. She feels shit isn't right and BOOM, he dumps her. She can get into the details of all that later.
Fast forward x amount of years and Woof & dickhead#2 are married. Congrafuckinglations.
Not only did Mia date dickhead#2 during her semester abroad but she ALSO dated him her entire college career. Four really great years to meet new people and live it up all for a guy who married a dog. (Woof might be a harsh nickname but I am a harsh person so gtf over it.)
So he spends years trying to get me back, I meet Liam and finally he realizes it's not going to happen. Then he meets Jello. Jello loves outdoorsy shit, (as does Woof) and they are all outdoorsy and lovey dovey. Fun fact - dickhead#1 also cheated on Jello at a Christmas party so I guess there is a pattern.
Ok, ok back on topic -- so I met Jello and Mia was lucky enough to witness the encounter. I proceeded to call her Jelly instead of Jello and she was furious. (uh duh that was on purpose) Dickhead#1 was basically eye fucking me the whole convo and didn't include her at alllll as she stood next to him fuming. Mia grabbed me and pulled me away and I sweetly excused myself, hugged dickhead#1 and said how great it was to finally meet you Jelly! To which she responded, ITS JELLO.
yeah, yeah, yeah I don't give a fuck.
So they're all married and what not. Mia & I are all unmarried and what not. Tell me how that is fair. Oh that's right, it's not.
Icing on my cake was my BFF B telling me that, "out of the millions of boyfriends you've had, I think you and dickhead#1 were the best suited for each other."
THANKS FOR THAT, FRIEND.
OH this small fact makes me die because I kind of hate beer & the outdoors but their table settings were beer bottles with flowers stuck inside. CAN YOU KILL ME NOW? Holy Lord it's like Duck Dynasty shit. I cannnnnnnot.
So while I am definitely over dickhead#1 and Mia is over dickhead#2, we are still bitter as hell. We didn't do anything wrong. I mean, we definitely are glad we aren't marrying them but in this day and age where everyone is getting engaged and married and neither of us are even close, IT'S JUST FUCKED UP PEOPLE.
Okay, thanks for coming back to me friends. There is a lot of crazy shit to catch up on & a lot of guest writers that you're really going to enjoy.
ta ta for now,