Yesterday marks 3 months of being X Factor free.
Sure, we have talked and he's met with Mia, Double Trouble, and my mom but we haven't actually seen each other.
I've worked hard on myself to really examine what I want and need most out of a relationship. I know damn well you can't have everything. I also know I am not ready to see XF.
In these 3 months...
My time with Jake helped me distinguish the ties between sex and lust...He also showed me how important success, grammar and realistic goals are.
He reminded me I need someone with more experience in every realm of life. He claims to have slept with over 30 people yet he's never had a girlfriend in his adult life. While the sex WAS good, it got old and routine in under 1.5 months due to lack of girlfriend. He began to really step up his game date wise but the fact he couldn't seem to clean his apartment to save his life, follow through on plans he wanted to make(taking me away for my bday trip/gift), figure out the difference between your and you're, and his lack of adventure in bed...just kinda sealed the deal that I was over it. The fling ran it's course.
All in all, I am very grateful Jake was around when I needed someone most. He kept me very well distracted and I really enjoyed having him around for my birthday festivities. He is a super decent human being, and he made it easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel. (I haven't seen him since Oct. 28th)
In the self-help realm...
I have listened to 2 audiobooks on relationships.
1. The Truth, about a guy who thinks he's a sex addict, ruins the only real relationship he's ever had, goes to rehab, gets his shit together for the first time ever, and somehow winds up married with kids to the woman he cheated on. It is a fascinating journey that shows how someones childhood impacts their dating life tremendously. A lot of things in this book reminded me of XF. Not because he's a sex addict but because he was raised in a very cold environment. If he got an A on his report card, his parent's would ask why it' wasn't an A+. They never said I love you. They didn't get to have birthday parties. They refused to buy a Christmas tree and never got the kids gifts because it was a "superficial holiday."
I was raised in the complete opposite environment. I always got the A's and A+'s but my parents would've never made me feel bad if I didn't. They STILL tell me every single day how much they love me, my mom made every holiday into a childhood wonderland - no detail was ever missing, I had the BEST birthday parties (still do), and Christmas was a joyous time of family togetherness and excitement. I can't imagine life any other way. It pains me when I do imagine XF's youth...He told me how'd he cry every Christmas morning, hoping that just one gift would be under the tree...there never was.
Book 2 - Can't remember the name but it goes through whether you should stay or leave a relationship/marriage. Mostly based on marriages but it's been enlightening. The sex chapter is what hit home the most. She asks, "do you want to touch your partner? Hold hands, touch his back, kiss him, etc?" If the answer is yes, great. Now answer part 2 - "does your partner want to touch you?"
Right there we discover the problem. I always wanted him to be touching me, Jake always was and I loved it. I'd never had a relationship that didn't involve PDA. So I'd expect a kiss when he'd come over, I'd expect him to hold my hand or want to jump my bones after I took a shower...he didn't really do any of that. So while I am wanting to be touched he isn't wanting to touch me.
That's a problem folks.
The nice part about being apart and being able to talk to him is the level of honesty. There is nothing left to lose now so I have 0 reasons to hold back. I've told him how much physically I desire and how he never fulfilled that need constantly. (There were a few instances were the sex was bombdotcom and PDA was occurring, but it wasn't consistent)
Now, XF has began therapy.
He's trying to work on coping mechanisms to use throughout his life knowing his parents don't accept his decisions, how to increase his emotional intelligence/attention span, and how to get out of his head and into the moment sexually.
So far the therapist suspects he has ADHD. This is no surprise to me, his attention span with ANYONE besides the golden state warriors is dreadful. He has a lot of work to do.
I have been fortunate enough to date a decent amount of guys in these three months. None of them compare to XF but they've reminded me of things that I enjoy, so it's been worthwhile.
I still miss him everyday. We have so much in common, I had a great time with him when it's one on one and there's no pressure for him to impress my friends/not be socially awkward. My favorite memories with him are trips we've taken where he doesn't have to worry about being on top of his game socially, he just focuses on me and we do fun things. He also always made me laugh. I've been on so many dates and most these toads just aren't funny, at all. That's a deal breaker.
I wish I desired him sexually.
Since breaking up, I haven't even thought about sex or kissing him. I haven't missed either (thanks Jake) and that sucks. I want the successful, fun guy who is also awesome in bed.
I don't want to have to choose between these things. Sex can be worked on, just like anything else but sadly I think the best way to improve in that arena is to get more experience...XF has slept with six girls...& it's just not enough.
I want to find my Chuck Bass or Mr. Big. Successful, charming, fun, well dressed, cultured, sexy but still devoted. The nice guy never wins for me. I need that smart, sexy, challenging toad. That's XF minus the being good in bed part.
In summation, I don't plan to see XF until month 4. I think 4 months apart will be a sufficient amount of time to really dig deep and think about my future, what I want, what kind of marriage/man I want and then decide if he's made any changes, if I feel anything towards him, and if the sex has improved.
So stay tuned for month 4's rendezvous...I've got a feeling it'll be everything I need to know. Til then, you won't get any XF posts because there is really not much else to say.
& like G said, perfection doesn't exist but perfect feelings do.
Yo feelings, where ya at?
xo xo,
Elle
Sure, we have talked and he's met with Mia, Double Trouble, and my mom but we haven't actually seen each other.
I've worked hard on myself to really examine what I want and need most out of a relationship. I know damn well you can't have everything. I also know I am not ready to see XF.
In these 3 months...
My time with Jake helped me distinguish the ties between sex and lust...He also showed me how important success, grammar and realistic goals are.
He reminded me I need someone with more experience in every realm of life. He claims to have slept with over 30 people yet he's never had a girlfriend in his adult life. While the sex WAS good, it got old and routine in under 1.5 months due to lack of girlfriend. He began to really step up his game date wise but the fact he couldn't seem to clean his apartment to save his life, follow through on plans he wanted to make(taking me away for my bday trip/gift), figure out the difference between your and you're, and his lack of adventure in bed...just kinda sealed the deal that I was over it. The fling ran it's course.
All in all, I am very grateful Jake was around when I needed someone most. He kept me very well distracted and I really enjoyed having him around for my birthday festivities. He is a super decent human being, and he made it easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel. (I haven't seen him since Oct. 28th)
In the self-help realm...
I have listened to 2 audiobooks on relationships.
1. The Truth, about a guy who thinks he's a sex addict, ruins the only real relationship he's ever had, goes to rehab, gets his shit together for the first time ever, and somehow winds up married with kids to the woman he cheated on. It is a fascinating journey that shows how someones childhood impacts their dating life tremendously. A lot of things in this book reminded me of XF. Not because he's a sex addict but because he was raised in a very cold environment. If he got an A on his report card, his parent's would ask why it' wasn't an A+. They never said I love you. They didn't get to have birthday parties. They refused to buy a Christmas tree and never got the kids gifts because it was a "superficial holiday."
I was raised in the complete opposite environment. I always got the A's and A+'s but my parents would've never made me feel bad if I didn't. They STILL tell me every single day how much they love me, my mom made every holiday into a childhood wonderland - no detail was ever missing, I had the BEST birthday parties (still do), and Christmas was a joyous time of family togetherness and excitement. I can't imagine life any other way. It pains me when I do imagine XF's youth...He told me how'd he cry every Christmas morning, hoping that just one gift would be under the tree...there never was.
Book 2 - Can't remember the name but it goes through whether you should stay or leave a relationship/marriage. Mostly based on marriages but it's been enlightening. The sex chapter is what hit home the most. She asks, "do you want to touch your partner? Hold hands, touch his back, kiss him, etc?" If the answer is yes, great. Now answer part 2 - "does your partner want to touch you?"
Right there we discover the problem. I always wanted him to be touching me, Jake always was and I loved it. I'd never had a relationship that didn't involve PDA. So I'd expect a kiss when he'd come over, I'd expect him to hold my hand or want to jump my bones after I took a shower...he didn't really do any of that. So while I am wanting to be touched he isn't wanting to touch me.
That's a problem folks.
The nice part about being apart and being able to talk to him is the level of honesty. There is nothing left to lose now so I have 0 reasons to hold back. I've told him how much physically I desire and how he never fulfilled that need constantly. (There were a few instances were the sex was bombdotcom and PDA was occurring, but it wasn't consistent)
Now, XF has began therapy.
He's trying to work on coping mechanisms to use throughout his life knowing his parents don't accept his decisions, how to increase his emotional intelligence/attention span, and how to get out of his head and into the moment sexually.
So far the therapist suspects he has ADHD. This is no surprise to me, his attention span with ANYONE besides the golden state warriors is dreadful. He has a lot of work to do.
I have been fortunate enough to date a decent amount of guys in these three months. None of them compare to XF but they've reminded me of things that I enjoy, so it's been worthwhile.
I still miss him everyday. We have so much in common, I had a great time with him when it's one on one and there's no pressure for him to impress my friends/not be socially awkward. My favorite memories with him are trips we've taken where he doesn't have to worry about being on top of his game socially, he just focuses on me and we do fun things. He also always made me laugh. I've been on so many dates and most these toads just aren't funny, at all. That's a deal breaker.
I wish I desired him sexually.
Since breaking up, I haven't even thought about sex or kissing him. I haven't missed either (thanks Jake) and that sucks. I want the successful, fun guy who is also awesome in bed.
I don't want to have to choose between these things. Sex can be worked on, just like anything else but sadly I think the best way to improve in that arena is to get more experience...XF has slept with six girls...& it's just not enough.
I want to find my Chuck Bass or Mr. Big. Successful, charming, fun, well dressed, cultured, sexy but still devoted. The nice guy never wins for me. I need that smart, sexy, challenging toad. That's XF minus the being good in bed part.
In summation, I don't plan to see XF until month 4. I think 4 months apart will be a sufficient amount of time to really dig deep and think about my future, what I want, what kind of marriage/man I want and then decide if he's made any changes, if I feel anything towards him, and if the sex has improved.
So stay tuned for month 4's rendezvous...I've got a feeling it'll be everything I need to know. Til then, you won't get any XF posts because there is really not much else to say.
& like G said, perfection doesn't exist but perfect feelings do.
Yo feelings, where ya at?
xo xo,
Elle
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