It's my best kept secret and why I've now decided to share, I really don't know.
I've thought about it but always decided that it would be too intense and people weren't here for intense, they were here for dating disasters and bad life decisions.
Well friends, we are about to get deep. So if you want to tune out now, I don't blame you.
It was my freshman year of college and Bobby had just cheated on me on my birthday. We broke up and I was lost. He was always my protector and partner in crime, without his presence in my life everyday I had no idea what I was doing.
That's when I became close with Adam. Yes, his name is actually Adam and he's an asshole which is why I have no problem disclosing that.
Adam played hockey with my first boyfriend waaaay back in the day, the guy I had coffee with this summer. I can't remember what I named him but anyways, I knew Adam from middle school.
He was a year ahead of me at University and when he saw I was at the same school, he sent me a message on facebook.
We'd hungout a handful of times with his frat friends and my roommate (while I was still dating Bobby) and we had a good time. He was my entry into the college party scene and I was grateful to have him.
School started end of August, Bobby cheated October 6th, and after that, Adam moved right on in.
He knew something was up with me because after Bobby cheated I wanted to go out every damn night. I was distraught and betrayed, I had NO idea how to handle it so Adam was the guy I leaned on.
One night we go out and my roommate went out with some of our dormmates so it was just me, Adam, and his roommate. We go out to a bar, dance the night away, and finally they walk me back to my dorm.
They ask to come in and I said sure, this was not uncommon. We get to my room and before I can blink, they attack me. Both of these guys are hockey players, my gym habits hadn't begun yet, and I was helpless. I was scared to scream because I didn't want the entire dorm knowing, I was scared to move, I was scared to do anything.
Long story short, I was raped. x2 I guess.
It stopped when my roommate was unlocking the door and the guys quickly pulled their jeans back up. I acted as if nothing had happened, they left, I pretended to go to bed and that was it.
I was too scared to tell anyone because I didn't want to be the dumb freshman girl, two months into college who cries wolf/rape. What if people didn't believe me? If they did, they'd always look at me differently. I didn't want THIS to define my college experience.
So I said nothing. To no one. To this day, only three people know what happened that night and they didn't find out til years later. I pulled myself together and I kept on, keeping on.
Adam asked me the next day via AIM how much I remembered of the night before. I didn't answer. He knew what he had done. I never saw or heard from him again after that.
Fast forward to second semester junior year, Cairo Egypt.
I go to a party where a ton of rich kids from my study abroad university are, all Egyptians. I'm with my girlfriend Elena and we are having a great time. A gorgeous Egyptian guy comes up to me and introduces himself, meet Shady. The party is dying down and he invites Elena and I to his villa for a big after party. This is not uncommon in Cairo (we stayed out til 7am all the time) so we said sure, why not. His driver picks us all up and we go.
We arrive at a giant mansion wayyyyy on the outskirts of Cairo. I have no clue where I am because he had a personal driver so I didn't have to tell a taxi an address.
We walk in to his section of the villa and it's empty.
"So where is everyone??"
"Ah, coming soon. Want a drink?"
We both say yes, a vodka soda.
He has a full bar, it shouldn't be hard to do...
"Oh, all I have is wine."
He pours Elena and I a glass. Elena drinks it with ease and I sniff it. It smells completely rancid, no chance I'm drinking it. (I'm also not drunk)
Within a few minutes, Elena is fast asleep on the couch.
Shady sits down next to me and starts kissing me.
He's cute, why not?
Then he says lets do this in my bed which is a few feet away.
We get in his bed and keep kissing.
All the sudden he is trying to rip my dress off.
"Stop, stop, I don't want to sleep with you!"
As he takes off his pants.
I get up to try and run away when he grab my leg and I fall to the ground. He drags me back to the bed and slams me down on it. I am screaming to wake Elena who is in THIS room. Surely she can hear me, I just need her to wake up.
She's not moving.
He takes his dick and shoves it inside of me and I scream louder and cry. Why can't Elena hear me?!
Finally I get my leg to a point where I can kick him off, I jump off the bed and run to the couch and shake Elena.
She starts to groggily move her head. I grab her arm and refuse to let go.
He tries to drag me back and I scream for him to leave me alone.
After what feels like forever, he leaves the room. I shake Elena harder, we have to go, we have to go, GET UP!!!!!!
She can barely move, I don't understand it in the moment but later I realize the rancid wine was drugged. He thought I drank it and didn't expect resistance from me when he made his move.
I thank God x100000 I didn't take a sip that night.
Finally I drag Elena outside and we get into Shady's drivers car. We wait, hoping the driver will come out. It's 8am.
No one appears and we have no idea where we are. Elena walks up and pounds on the front door until Shady's sister comes out, looking confused. She calls the driver out and we go.
I tell Elena what happened. She can't believe she slept through it and couldn't save me.
I am in absolute shock.
I remember bbming Bobby in America and explaining what had just happened. We broke up freshman year but he still was everything to me and I didn't know where to turn.
I made the giant mistake of telling my closest friend in Cairo, Nadine. Nadine then told others and before I knew it, the entire campus knew what had transpired.
Worst part -
NO ONE believed me.
Shady was a great looking guy and I had gained weight abroad, definitely wasn't at my hottest. No one believed he'd ever go for me. He told everyone, "Elle, no way, she's fat I would never even look at her."
Everyone believed him. Even my friends and my roommates. The only one who knew the truth was Elena.
I couldn't focus. I could barely make it on campus to classes. My Egyptian history professor noticed something was wrong and held me back after class one day.
"Your work is slipping and you are distracted, what is going on?"
I finally broke down and told her everything. She took me straight to the Provost of my school and made me tell her.
The Provost called the US Embassy and the school therapist.
The embassy researched Shady and his family and told me that if I tried to press charges, they were so wealthy - I'd 100 percent lose. Instead, they offered to pay to send me back to the US early to my family. I declined. I loved Cairo and I bought my mom a flight to come at the end of the semester to see Egypt and then do Europe together, I couldn't cancel my moms dreams of finally going abroad for the first time in her ENTIRE life because something terrible had happened to me.
So therapy it was. Twice a week, every week, until my semester was over.
Knowing I had my therapist made going to campus and facing these people who thought I was a fat, ugly, liar - a bit easier.
I barely passed my classes to get transfer credit (school in Cairo was easy as fuck and I love school so that is saying something)
She kept commenting how well I was handling it all.
But what other choice did I have??
Truth is, I never handled it. I bottled it up and sent it away to a deep, dark place with my freshman year experience.
I still think about this daily.
The therapist told me that moving forward, I needed to be able to tell everyone I date what had happened to me. Little did she know, this had happened to me freshman year and that was almost worse.
In time, I told my parents. I told boyfriends. I even told Antonio about the Cairo experience.
What happened freshman year, no one knows except you all.
Why am I writing this now for the world to see?
Well, if I can let this "secret" go -- I think I can really come to peace with it all. Or atleast something closer to peace?
Sometimes I think this is why I am so sexual and why I value a strong sexual connection with someone. I want to feel safe but I more so want to feel desired.
Being mocked for being the fat, ugly girl who could never snag a guy like Shady really fucked me up.
It led to a bought of bulimia when I returned to the States. My whole first semester of senior year was filled with binging and purging.
Destructive habits have never been a part of me and I knew I needed a change which is why I applied on the last day to our schools DC program. I was accepted and spent my final semester in Washington where I kicked the bulimia and felt like I had a very fresh start.
Rape is a terrible thing.
It fucks with your head for years to come and I don't know what the solution to "making it better" is. Telling people what happened is worse than the actual rape. People want to blame you. People don't want to pin it on the perpetrator, they want to blame the stupid, young girl and it's fucking fucked up. Even my girlfriends in Cairo weren't on my side. "Are you sure that's what really happened?"
WHY THE FUCK WOULD I MAKE THAT UP? I didn't want the attention, I didn't ask you to tell fucking everyone Nadine. I DIDN'T WANT THIS ON MY CONSCIENCE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
It really makes you hate everyone.
When I think back, it doesn't feel real. I know it was but now, it seems like a story I'm telling vs a traumatic life experience I lived through.
Anyways, there you have it.
Welcome back to LINARC.