So Mia & my college bff...he goes ON about how he's got such a massive crush and then....

crickets. 

FML, I hate you right now bro. 

My tinder Bruces...where to begin.

Bruce #1/Chase didn't ghost me afterall. He texted today to check-in. The sex was on point but meh, he didn't leave me wanting more of his introverted personality. Could see a nice hook-up buddy situation in our future but I don't think he's my next boyfriend. 

Bruce #2/Velcro didn't wear his geriatric shoes last night! (small victory) instead he wore his Nike gym shoes...I guess he has an injury so that explains the weird shoe situation. I'll let it slide now that I know what is going on. We had our second date last night and we met at the bowling alley. He was 15 minutes late which I didn't appreciate considering I hauled ass to get there on time (my workout ended at 7:30pm so I had to drive home, shower, makeup, hair, uber all within an hour) and I DID. Then we go to get our lane that he told me he had reserved andddddd the idiot made a dinner res, not a bowling one. "I did it on opentable" -- ummmm dude, you can't reserve bowling on opentable. PLEBIAN. 

So we have a drink then decide to go do hookah. Our uber can't find us so we are running around outside foreverrrrr (it's freezing) and finally I tell him to just cancel it and let's get a taxi. Finalllllly he agrees, we grab a cab and go. We go to get out andddd he swipes his card to pay...denied. Hmmm....that's no good...I know these things can happen at awkward times for no good reason so I'll pretend I didn't notice and keep moving. 

We are at the hookah spot having great conversation and he leans in to kiss me. He does this weird tongue thing where he moves it back and forth (left to right) really fast. Uhhhh...what are you doing Velcro? This is weird...

We kiss a handful more times, same thing...

It's now midnight, I've got an early workout in the morning, his kissing has kinda turned me off despite him being a very attractive fella (those muscles...). We are right near his apt and I tell him I'm sorry but I need to get to sleep, I am exhausted and I've got a workout in the AM. He thinks I'm lying about the workout and that I am trying to ghost him or something? IDK the whole exchange was really insecure/annoying. I told him I don't wanna sleep with him tonight, he says we could just cuddle, I say I'm no good at that, sorry but I gotta go. Side note I am also INSANELY hungry yet again. I've had 2 drinks and no proper dinner post gym so I NEED to get home and eat. (Which is exactly what I did, no shame in that game) 

I will go on date 3 with him, I will likely hookup with him (might as well see what it's like) but I don't see a long term thing with him either. The whole Jewish bit really fucks things up. He might pretend to be down with a non-Jew for awhile but then when it comes time to get married and have kids...I can already see the argument arising on how they'll be raised, etc. 

I just wanna find someone who is fine leaving religion out of the equation. 

I was supposed to meet that surgeon today but I am kinda over dating for the week. Four dates in seven days is kind of taxing especially since I went from zero dates for the past few months to this. 

I hate to admit it but I miss Antonio. We would text daily and now, its silence. I'm mad at him for going back to the ex, I'm mad at him for calling me a "fun mistake", I'm mad I ever let myself like him to begin with. 

He's not even as hot as my dates this week have been but that doesn't seem to matter because while I sit around with Bruce #1 and #2, I wish I was with Antonio. 

Praying that feeling ceases ASAP. It's only a matter of time til his ex starts posting cute shit with him tagged on fb. (atleast shes ugly?)

kiiiiilllllll me now. 

My tinder dinner party went well! Arash made some friends and we all had a really good time. Ah, the friend zone. A wonderful place indeed. 

Sorry this post kinda sucks, my head has been in the clouds alllllll weekend and I'm distracted for no apparent reason. 

xo xo,

Elle

PS no 3rd dates set up with Chase or Velcro. Stay tuned...

What do you do when...

You have a pretty decent date who is wearing a custom suit and looks pretty legit but then
you notice he's wearing these shoes and you feel like vomiting instantly?

I shit you not.
Custom made suit and geriatric, velcro shoes.

Before we reallllly dive deep into this shoe dilemma, let me explain the rest of this date. (fun fact, velcro just texted me to say, "you probably already know this, but you're a boss kisser."- aw shiiiiiit, catching feelings already)

I show up at this trendy restaurant, STARVING because I worked out early and didn't eat prior so I'd actually have an appetite for this date. I walk in and he's sitting at a table so I assume he is feeding me.

Wrong. 

"Hey so I'm not really hungry, are you good with just drinks?"

Um no motherfucker I am starving but now this is weird so...

"Oh yeah, I'm not hungry either - I'll just order a drink."  

FML. 

I am one of those bitches who gets hangry. I have to eat every few hours because 1. I revamped my metabolism and by doing so, you have to eat/snack every 2-3 hours 2. When I don't eat, I get restless and irritated quiteeeeee quickly, it's not a good look. FEED ELLE. 

So we are chatting and velcro admits he's a republican.

Well, fuck. I would've swiped no but you didn't have that in your profile. He admits most girls in DC swipe no on republicans which is why he omits it from his profile. 

Antonio's profile read... "a bad hombre looking for a nasty woman" and instantly I knew, he had his head screwed on straight. 

But anyways, back to velcro. 

So he tricks me into that one but explains he's not a Trump supporter. Ok, ok...

Then we discuss religion.
He's Jewish and wants to raise his kids that way but doesn't care if his wife is. 

Ummmm...not gonna raise my kids religiously soooo yeaaaah...

He does want to move to California soon...
okay, I can fuck with that. 

He's wearing a custom suit, also fuckable. 

Since he knows Arash we had planned for him to come back to my place and surprise him. We both drove so he follows me back and we outline our plan. 

"Let's walk in holding hands, I'll yell at Arash to come out because I think I met my soulmate, he'll come out, see you, freak out, you say I think we are gonna get married, this girl is perfect, he can laugh and it'll be great." 

We essentially stick to the plan and Arash is shocked. We all hangout for a bit on the couch and that's when I notice the shoes....

Oh these shoes are enough to make you want to jump off a bridge and end it all right now. 

A CUSTOM SUIT WITH VELCRO, GERIATRIC SHOES?! 

I can't believe what I am seeing...

I do have a weird fetish for guys with great taste in shoes (Gucci/Ferragamo/Tod's loafers are really my kinda scene) but I can deal with a basic Nordstrom loafer...

What I can't deal with is this shit. I can't stop staring and it makes me feel kindaaaaa sick. 

The dudes catch up on life and finallyyyyyy he goes to depart. Our date began at 7:30pm and now it's 10:30pm and I haven't eaten since 3pm...Hangry level is at an allllll time high + I feel sick after seeing this horrrrrible shoe.

I go to walk to him to the elevator and he says....

"So this is what I think we should do...you are amazing and I'd love to see you again, I know I dropped the Republican bomb on your head so I understand if you never want to see me again." 

I sit there silently and ponder my next move....

Those shoes are pretty horrendous but he was a nice enough guy...

How do I break this tie...I am verrrrrry 50/50 on him. 

So I move in closer and kiss him. 

Yes, I kissed him first. 

It was pretty good so I decided hey, let's give this kid one more shot. If those shoes appear again though...I'm gonna have to call this one quits. 

So I pull back and say, "I think we can do a 2nd date...if you were a bad kisser my answer would've been no because who wants to waste their time." 

Then he kisses me again. This time it's even better. 

"So I know you have a second date Wednesday...free Thursday?" 

"Actualllly Thursday I am having an ex-tinderfella dinner at my house so Arash can make some new friends..."

"You're kidding, right?"

"No, these guys were great but just not my type so I friend zoned them and I think Arash will really like them both so I invited them all over for dinner Thursday."

Silence.

"Damn, you are adorable and absolutely hilarious. I'll let your schedule dictate date #2 then..."

"Perfect, I'll check my calendar and let you know. Ciao, ciao!" 

Like I said before, I am very 50/50 on this guy. I wasn't sold on Antonio after our first date either but I'd say he was more a 70/30 situation and obviously by the end, he really grew on me. Chase I am 60/40 on but he's insanely attractive so I'm thinking he's gonna jump the leaderboard. 

You never know what will happen and I am working on being more openminded. Maybe velcro will let me throw away all of his shoes? 

Here's to hoping?

xo xo,

Elle

What a weeeeekend. 

Friday was a much needed girls night that involved way too much rose & pizza (not diet goals) and Saturday was an evening of debauchery. 

Friday night: let me start by explaining the back story - I texted Rami earlier Friday, I miss you. He replies, I miss you too, I haven't had sex since you left. Ummmm I left Sunday...that's not exactly a feat? Granted, I have had sex since then but thats not important. So I ask, well what are you going to do about that? He replies, "IDK I've been thinking about that lately...."

THEN I get a call from him.

"HEY babe!!! I just had a coffee date and a lunch date but I don't think I will see either girl again. They both talked too much, not my type." 

Uhhhhh why are you calling to tell me about your dates? Clearly I like you enough to fly across the country to hang out with you, sure I don't think we are gonna date exclusively but cmon, a little common sense here bud... He then tells me he plans to come visit me in April in DC, he wishes I was there, misses all the sex we had, wants to see my lingerie collection, etc. I'm in the midst of girls night, this kids gottta gooooo. 

Once the girls leave, his best friend facetimes me. I'm kinda buzzy from all the champagne so I answer. I explain what Rami said and how stupid it all is. He tells me Rami likes me the most and talks about me all the time and was so happy to show me off at his birthday. YAWN. This is stupid. So we hang up and I text Rami, "just facetimed with M." He texts that he isn't going out with them.
"With so many girls, you don't need to go out."
"Cmon I don't! I don't stay in touch with them."
"Coffee and lunch."
"But nothing happened. I would rather be with you than out." 

I fall asleep. 

I awake to, "helllloooooo"
"hiiiiiii"
"someone is upset...."
"no no, all is good. fell asleep last night texting you" 
"I know you did, it was late for you. Don't be upset please. I don't like to see you sad because of me. Breaking someones heart is easy."
"You won't break mine."
"I don't want to do that to you"
"You can't, don't worry."

UMMMM what kind of fucking moron are you?! Break my heart? Really?! EW that would imply I love you which I 10000% do not. Fell into a lapse of judgment lust but beyond that, I give zero fucks about you Bruce. GTFO of here with this breaking heart b/s. 

If anyone is getting hurt in this, promise it won't be me. 

Don't you love when guys underestimate me? 

I sure as hell do. 

SO now it's Saturday night. I scoop up Mia from her house and we head into the city. 

I tell 7 friends who pretty much only know me to show up at a bar. Somehow, everyone shows up, gets along, and it's a fantastic time. 

I also successfully set Mia up with my college bff Tim. Setting Mia up is next to impossible because she is quite picky (sorry love you boo) and we know all the same people (OG best bitch since HS). They clicked and made out (such a win, I am so fucking happy) sooooo stay tuned for how that one pans out...my fingers are crossed as tight as humanly possible. Besties dating each other would be $$$$$. 

Now
onto the real story....
Antonio. 

Shows up after many rounds of drinks and I am annoyingly excited to see him. We had planned 100% for Sunday spin but Saturday I wasn't too sure about it. 

Ew Elle, get a damn grip. You were his back up option, you cut him off from the physical fun, YOU are now his FRIEND with no benefits. 

That stupid giddy feeling in my stomach is undeniable though. 
Fuck. 

Everytime I see him I get that feeling. Maybe it's because I can't have him completely? Perhaps I like the thrill of the chase with him too. Whatever it is, I really want to feel it with someone who I can actually date and fall in love with. 

So far so good, we are doing well in the friend zone.... until I ask about the ex progress and he sighs. "I don't want to talk about it...it's been a bad with together." 

"Are you back on, 100% now?" 

"No. Not yet."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Honestly Antonio, this girl is the reason I can't have you and as your back up option since November, you're gonna fucking talk and explain wtf is going on. Spill." 

"Elle, you're stuck in my head. I don't want to have sex with her, the attraction went away or something, IDK how to fix it. I don't want to lose her, she's a great person and I love her friends." (I am shortening a very long convo, FYI) 

"Well...I am a pretty decent human being and clearly, my friends are legit as well...we could be happy Antonio...I really like you, I wanted to date you. I haven't dated really since I met you, you were enough...but don't compare me to her. She is beautiful in a different way than me, she has to be for you to date her and who knows if we dated, we could wind up hating each other...two years in vs four months is very different."

Jesus drunk Elle, SHUT UP. Cringing at myself as I type this. 

"You are amazing and I didn't know really where I stood with you...You are so beautiful and you challenge me...I love talking to you. IDK what I am doing."

"Don't go backwards then...."

Stop begging him like some pathetic loser. JFC - someone slap me.

And then I think I kissed him. I don't remember the moment/how it all began but I do remember sitting in a corner, on his lap, kissing fiercely. Damn, this chemistry can't be made up...I can't stop myself. 

We decide it's a good idea to get condoms. We leave the bar to go to 711, buy some, walk back into the bar, go to the bathroom and have some hot, crazy, quick sex. 

I liveeeee for sex in crazy places (this bathroom was insanely clean) and oh man, Antonio is so aggressive and MMMMM I could get used to this. It's a magnetic attraction. 

We leave the bathroom, go back to the corner, get back to kissing and before we know it the lights are coming on in the bar. We look at the time and it's 3am...Jesus, how did it get so late? 

We grab an uber, he hops out at his spot, and I go home solo. 

Then before you know it, it's 9:30am Sunday and we reunite for that spin class. Note to self, stop fucking scheduling weekend AM workouts, unnecessary torture, being fat and well rested is better than thin and feeling like death. 

We kept discussing how we really thought we'd be able to do the friend thing...he also admitted he was a bit too excited to see me but really felt he'd be able to resist. 

Once I saw him and we started talking I knew there was a 0% chance I could sit there and not kiss him. I'm usually pretty good at keeping my shit together. I even had the persian tinder toad show up so I'd be more inclined to avoid Antonio. I told my friends, keep me away from him, I can't get attached again. 

So much for that plan.
​In the midst of the Antonio rendezvous I made sure to snap chat a few key photos with hot persian toad. Rami and his friends were watching my every move and he had texted me a few times to which I didn't respond. Sure enough, the second I'd post something - he was one of the first to watch it. Proof I am absolutely not falling in love with you. Don't fuck with me kid. 

So now we've covered the old...Let's dig into the new... my date tonight! 

As I am at this bar on Saturday, I see a tall guy standing right next to Antonio and he looks eerily familiar....

How do I know this guy? 

Could he be the tinder toad I've been chatting with since November 29th? The one who hasn't asked for my number? The one who JUST asked me out? 

Eh, he's kinda chubby and in his photos he seems pretty fit...

Hmmmmmm....

Who cares, I'm with Antonio and co. doesn't really matter. 

Well, spoiler alert - it was the toad I suspected it was. Enjoy! 
PS why do people need to put a space before their exclamations? I find this dreadfully annoying !!!! (don't lie, you do too)

Lastly, I think I finally extricated myself from Rams. He is so nice but honestly, it was taxing to spend time with him. His hopes were SO high and I just felt nada towards him. I wish I was into guys that sweet but I'm not. Sigh....can we still go to concerts and hockey games?? JK. But not really.

Remember the Afghan toad from Friday? Well, look who popped up and apparently had a case of amnesia all in one conversation. 

I was out to dinner with Mia & Arash when I got this lovely text berating me....

This was too good to save for 2017 so here's a bonus post.
You're welcome.

Let's unravel this hilarity, shall we? 

1. Bias towards Persians? You're Afghan which is basically the same damn thing...
2. Beautiful and proud -  will gladly check those boxes.
Superficial - sure I have good taste but I also shop at Costco 
Self-Centered - I guess but isn't everyone?
Materialistic - Isn't that the same as superficial you fucking moron?
Status obsessed - Isn't that also the same as superficial and materialistic? Dude, you're stupider than I thought.

Next paragraph -
You spelled champagne wrong, you plebian. 
2. I hate yachts and I never mentioned clothes or jewelry. My answer to that question was: my friends, family (mainly my little cousins - I even showed him photos!), travel and champagne -- you don't get to change my answers to help you sleep better at night you dickwad
3. My ex fiancee? Bruce, he never proposed - that was why we broke up...And his family hated me without meeting me because I am not Armenian. 
4. Gold digger? Please. I make more money than your base level consulting ass and I don't go around bragging about that kind of stuff nor do I judge others based on it. If someone's career makes them happy, great - that is ALL I care about. If anyone is gold digging, it sure as hell isn't me. Nice try once again Bruce.
4. You spelled champagne right the second time, bravo
5. Thanks for callling me pretttttyyyy bruceeeey

Next paragraph - 
You left the date drunk as a skunk. I called your uber for you. I pushed you out of the restaurant into the uber, if anything, you should be paying me for dealing with your beligerant self. Also, if you can't afford to date- don't. 

Onto my reply - 
1. I definitely didn't lose my phone, you're just an asshole 
2. I didn't have a goodtime on our date and you weren't a nice guy but flipping this back on you is deeply satisfying

His reply - 
AMNESIA? REALLY? I CANNOT MAKE THIS UP. Holy God, we have never laughed harder at a text than we did at this one. I can't believe he tried to pull that card, this cannot be reality.

The rest, self explanatory. Guess he's never been ghosted before? (Which surprises me because he was the fucking worst) 

I blocked him after my last text...to which he called me from an unknown number. Rookie move Bruce, you think I am dumb enough to answer that? 

Sometimes I can't believe this is actually my life. I am still laughing. 

If 2017 is as hilarious as this, I am going to have abs of steel in no time.

xo xo,

Elle

Ladies,

Guys realllllly like the chase. The games. The bullshit. Now that I have all the power with Antonio, he's a fish on a line. 

Exhibit A: 
Friday - 

More texts from this clown than I've received in an entire week. 

Let's start from the beginning.

10am - A: "The number of people trying to get away from their families for the holidays is apparently enough to quell any spontaneous trip to Mexico, leaving me, without any hostage jewelry, solidly relegated to a bin you have undoubtedly labeled, "yogi you call for a flat tire." Atleast, that's what I penned in my straight to e-book, "the misadventures of little Antonio."

E: "Letting me down all over the place these days. Guess it's back to the drawing board. (Attached screenshot of my tinder inbox aka all super likes) Consider us even now" (you know for the s/c of the match with Mia) 

A: "Those are some goodlooking dudes. Except Si, what's going on there?" 

E: "hahaha"

A: "Still, you appear to be trending toward height supremacist. It was nice getting called up to the big (little) leagues once;)"

E: "Height supremacist? All DC guys are short, so I'm afraid you're wrong." 

A: "lol, I'm above average, actually. If I was funny, I'd be golden. Tell me, do you like this part of the game more? Sitting in the drivers seat?"

E: "dating is a game of ping pong, the power only lasts so long, so you have to enjoy it when you have it"

A: "very poetic"

E: "Romance at it's finest. How do you prefer it, yogapants?"

A: " ping pong isn't much fun by yourself, so I would say I like the volley. If I'm not serving, I want to be, until I don't. Doesn't everyone want what they can't have? (of fucking course, wait it gets worse) 

I don't fight but I like conflict. I'll obviously never write poetry or a book of analogies."

E: "Thank God for that, no one would buy/read it. Conflict keeps things interesting I suppose...That being said, you're a freak."

A: "Is that a challenge?" 

That's where the interesting part ends. 

So now we have learned that guys enjoy conflict, want what they can't have and suck at texting. 

Aren't you so hopeful for the future, ladies? Remember when this guy was coming over at 11pm to change my tire? Was texting me every damn day because it was the right thing to do? RIP to that fella, he clearly died a few weeks back and was replaced with this motherfucking toad. 

Moving on...I have a date with this aggressive ass Afghan toad who I told I was moving to Dallas because I decided I didn't want to meet him. He was so so sosososososososososososo persistent, I finally caved and agreed to meet him. 

He picked a legit date spot so I figured, fine. I'll do it. I need to distract myself from this b/s with Antonio anyways. 

As I am getting ready I get this screenshot below... FML, I DON'T WANNA DO THISSSSSSSSSS. 

I go because I don't wanna be an asshole and I picked a really hot outfit so I can always just go out afterwards....

This toad is so serious. SO ready to get married. So just not my type at all. Zero sense of humor. He also got plastered. I finally told him i needed to get home 2.5 hours later, I got him into his uber (literally shoved him out the door) and said I was waiting for mine. Mind you, five glasses of wine on an empty stomach is pretttttty intense so I am not in a sober decision making state of mind. 

I plan to meet up with Arash who bails. Then one of my girlfriends who bails. Then my Lebanese hookup (can't remember what I named him on the blog but I've def written about him) and he's out of town. Then I text Jake and Antonio, "awake?"

Antonio replies first and I'm 2 blocks from his house. 

A: "Sadly, yes."

E: "Wanna play? I'm in your hood"

A: " You baffle me. Stop by"

Doesn't it SUCK when you think you've found a prince in sea of toads and then you realize he's just a toad in a tux?

Antonio is a fucking moron. 

Let the games officially begin. Nothing like a pissed off Elle to get you some A grade blog material.

This motherfucker texts me last night for the first time.

"OMG what did he say!?" 

Oh you know, just a screenshot of him & Mia matching on tinder with the caption, "tell your friend to back off ;) how are ya?" 

Oh that is just fucking adorable.

The ONLY reason you are texting me right now is because I am in one of Mia's tinder pics and if he didn't mention it, she surely would.

Mind you, Mia swiped yes on him on purpose to see if it'd be a match. She also JUST re-started her tinder last night so any match she got was someone who had the time to swipe yes on her last night.  

La di da, it's a match! 

So I am LIVID.

It's been crickets since Friday and now you pop up because you matched with my best friend? Stellar. 

Curious about the rest?
Here ya go. 

(I waited til this AM to reply because YOU CAN WAIT BRUCE.)

E: Lucky you, she just joined tinder yesterday and she's a catch. That's my best friend from high school

A: "I've only disappeared for a few days - I've been sick (food poisoning) and tinkering on my bathroom floor. I guess I probably shouldn't have sent it in retrospect. I wasn't following up, just thought it amusing (in a bit funny kind of way) 

--You weren't following up? Okay, soooo why the hell did you text me? Is this supposed to be a cute, funny, bit? FYI - IT'S NOT.

E: "Vomiting and swiping, you certaintly do amuse me. Nothing gets you down"

A: "I wasn't trying to be an asshole, just an idiot. or trying to balance out my super like" 

E: "Consider it balanced"

A: "In that case, are you sticking around this weekend?"

E: "Yep, no California Christmas for me this year"

A: " Can I take you out to dinner later this week? And when I say "can" I'm using the secondary model form-asking for permission as opposed to expressing an ability so don't get sassy (about the can) 

(isn't the correct phrasing, MAY I? Are you actualllllly a laywer? C'mon Bruce...)

E: "Ah, was Mia too busy?"

A: "And here I thought that I might just get off that easy"

E: "For easy, you'll have to keep swiping"

A: "Well, we've already established that I've done that" 

HMMMM....So many routes to take this..which to choose? I could blow him off and say fuck it BUT then I get 0 blog material from this fool AND I don't get my jewelry back. So while I'd advise most friends to go with the fuck off method, I opted for...

E: "If you remember my necklace and earrings I think I can make time for dinner"

A: "Ha. I've got you hostage. You're very sweet. I have your necklace but I don't remember seeing earrings. I'll look when I get back" 

(You're very sweet? Ummm, I need my jewelry Bruce, nothing sweet about me saying yes - if you couldn't tell my excitement level to see you again is at an all time low...MORON.)

And that was that. 

Let's see if this toad follows through on a plan and what level restaurant he chooses if he does. It better be fucking fancy or else I am not bothering to get dressed up for this Bruce.
Bad restaurant text = "I think I actually have other plans, just drop off my jewelry with the concierge this weekend oh and merry christmas" 

Good restaurant text= "cool, see ya then." 

You came to play?
Well, you better be prepared to lose. I am so turned off by him now it's actually laughable that I agreed to this. Sometimes I think the best torture when a guy has fucked up is 1. looking hot as hell 2. being bitchy and letting them know they got away with nothing/checking your phone often to show your attention is no longer solely focused in their direction 3. canceling last minute (like ten minutes prior) like a jackass. 

I am too old for these games. I am not a clingy, psycho loser. I am not ugly. I have a great job. I have a very active social life and ANY Bruce who dates me is damn lucky to get to be a part of that. I feel I can date any guy I want and I am not about to settle for someone who doesn't seem to realize my worth or that my time is valuable. Guys better bring the A game or GTFO of my way. Even Jake texts me daily and we barely see each other anymore. There is NO excuse. 

Stay tuned...

Let the games begin,

​Elle

Uno.
Rams. Went to a concert with him last Monday. Had a good time but now he is pushing for sex and I reallllllly don't view him in that way. Trying my best to avoid this...IDK what the game plan is. 

Dos.
Jake. Invited me to his work Xmas party last Thursday. We had a good time and he came over after. We hooked up twice & it was fantastic as usual. He also always says the right things. Enjoyable evening but he still isn't boyfriend potential.

Tres.
Si. Persian toad who is too FOB for me but texts often. No desire to see him again. He's nice but nice isn't enough. How do I extricate myself on that one? 

Quattro.
XFactor. Was randomly in DC yesterday so he took me to lunch and we hung out for the rest of the day. We had a great time but I had zero desire to have sex with him. HOW DO WE FIX THIS?! He got me an amazing pair of shoes & bottle of champagne for Christmas. Sigh, familiarity + good taste is a beautiful thing....Can you build a life on orgasms? Based on my experience with Antonio, doesn't seem like it.

So 4/4 & I'm not reeeealllllly feeling any of it. 

Dating is so much fun. 

Hiding under a rock til 2017,

​Elle

Crazy how the tides can change so quickly. 

I apologize in advance that I am still behind on filling you in with Jake & Rams, I'll get there - eventually. 

After a fantastic gala Wednesday with Antonio it's basically been crickets since. 

We briefly texted Thursday, initiated by me. 

Friday he texted: "Hey! Happy Friday! I'm not going to be able to make it out tonight. Thank you for the invite though. Have fun!" 

My reply: "No prob, have fun" 

Since then?

Absolutely nothing. 

This is what happens when you break your own damn rules by inviting a toad to two events in one week. Thank you universe for reminding me there are rules in this bullshit, dating game and they need to be followed. 

I sent him a few snapchats which led to a few minimal snap text conversations. The only notable one being that he worked all weekend and was headed to a birthday brunch for a friend on Sunday. 

So I get that I am extremely busy and so is he. I'm busy with my social calendar and he's busy being a lawyer. 

However - that didn't stop him before from making plans and sticking to them AND confirming them (typically twice). I guess he said a lot of girls flake at the last minute so he gets weary? 

I get that someone might be busy with work but a text message is the easiest fucking thing to send. So there is zero excuse to me for this drop off as it has. 

I didn't bring up exclusivity, I haven't said I'm trying to find a boyfriend, I have played it so damn cool. I KNOW I didn't do anything stupid/clingy. 

Also, we have been hanging out since November 14th. You'd think the frequency at which we talk wound increase....definitely has done the exact opposite.

So there are three theories amongst my friends and I as to WTF is going on here.

1. He's just not that into me anymore. He chased, he caught, he moved on.

2. Because he shows every sign when we are together that he's REALLY into me (hello changing my car tire at 11pm), he sees this progressing into a relationship and he's not really ready for that or looking for that so he's hitting the brakes in the least mature way possible. But he also doesn't wanna come out and just say that because then I will likely just walk away completely and there goes all that good sex.

3. This my friends theory on really pretty girls and average guys...
"I mean yes he's successful and cute but you're stunning and he's so lucky. I think he's freaking out. You know what it feels like when you jump into a really cold pool? I think that's what dudes experience. They panic, feel undeserving, then rationalize themselves into paralysis or run away. Some of my most beautiful girlfriends are the ones that have the most confusing dating experiences."

As sweet as theory #3 is, I'm not too sure that I fall into that category. I do think he's used to dating girls who are a lot less social than me/are a bit more vanilla.... I know I am ALOT to keep up with. That's kinda why I loved XF so much, he kept up and loved me for the chaos that I am. 

But anyways. Game plan now is - radio silence. No snapchats, no snapchat stories, no texts. If he wants to see me/talk to me, he will. If he doesn't? G is grabbing my jewelry from his place on Thursday and this fella can officially lose my fucking number. 

I HATE inconsistency.
You might be awesome when we are together but I am not our events coordinator. I am not going to chase you. You were ontop of shit and that's why I liked you but now that that has tapered off? I'm NOT impressed. 

And honestly? Good fucking luck on boring tinder date after boring tinder date. This city is jam packed with basic bitches who will put you to sleep. I bet they also suck in bed. I am many things but boring and bad in bed are not on the list. Wanna keep those options open? Be my guest. You might find someone shorter & hotter but in terms of full package, I think you're gonna be swiping for awhile Bruce. 

Being busy isn't an excuse ladies. Don't buy it from anyone. You make time for the things you value. 

Let's wait and see where this one goes....

til then it's crickets from me. 

Middle finger in the air,

Elle

Was just scrolling through my tinder & realized 8/10 matches/convos have been "super" likes. (No, I'm not bragging)

I never used to get so many of these, what has changed??

1. Photos with 0 friends included
2. Boobs

So ladies, if you have boobs, use them. If your pics include friends, crop em! 

(Attached photo isn't all 10 convo's, can't fit that in a screenshot - PS convo with David, TinderELLa -- classic move, Bro.) 

Gotta get back to breaking hearts & taking names,

​Elle

Last night took a turn that I definitely was not expecting. (This will be a bit of a longer post so prepare yourself.) 

Around 3pm I get a text from Antonio, "Hey! How was your weekend? I am hopping on a plane now, are you already in Dallas?" 

Lemme let you wait this one out. 

I reply at 6pm, "Hey weekend was great, Dallas is Friday." 

Instant reply: "Any nights free before you go?" 

Elle: "Tonight and tomorrow."

Antonio: "I have to see a friend at 8:30 real quick but can meet you in your neighborhood after, around 9:30?" 

Let the overanalysis begin...

A. It's good he just landed and wants to see me B. He definitely wants sex C. 9:30pm is kind of a bootycall D. Do I care? E. I don't want to go out for drinks (it's monday), but inviting him over sends the wrong message, right? F. You can read the rest yourselves 

Fast forward - he shows up at my door while I am facetiming with XF. FUCK, I slam my phone down and run to my door. 

I am all sorts of nerves. Right before he came over I obviously cleaned my room because I'm not dumb enough to think I'll resist hooking up with him, especially because we didn't see each other last week. I text a few of my friends for advice, "is this a bootycall? should I be mad?!" 

Lastly, I consult Siri. "Siri, how long should you wait to have sex?" First article, Elle.com (love that damn magazine) -- verdict is 3.54 dates. Well, we hit a solid 3rd date so that's good? This isn't a date but it's the 4th time we are seeing each other and we already hooked up so it's not like we are going to backtrack and just not do the damn thing...

Other stats from the article: after date six, you discuss not swiping on others
after date nine, it's official/time to have that chat 

Back to reality - he walks in wearing his motorcycle jacket, helmet in hand. Damn, that's pretty hot... 

We sit on the couch, catch up for an hour, kiss once or twice and just hangout. I tell him my happy news that I am now 5'7 1/2. I was 5'6 last time I went to the doctor so this is huge news. His response was hilarious. "Wait, that's not fair first of all. How did you do it? Can you teach me? Do you have plans to grow more because if you surpass me then your heel collection is going to get dusty and from past experience, girls choose their heels over me." 

Then he makes me stand up to look at our reflection in the window. "Okay, okay I am still a decent amount taller. Just don't go adding more inches, please." 

Then he grabs me and we start kissing. He pushes me onto the couch, wraps my legs around him and picks me up. Slams me against the wall while holding me up kissing, then stumbles backwards into my room,  and throws me on the bed. You can imagine what happens next and whew, was it GOOD. 

We spend the next two hours lying around naked talking. I ask him what his first impression of me was. 

"You didn't seem too invested. Kinda just dipping your toe in the water...You were sweet and hot which is a good combination, mostly I get hot but bitchy. You also didn't come across as eager in anyway. (thank GOD) You definitely didn't strike me as the sex Goddess you are, that's for damn sure." 

"What about me?"

"Well, you seemed pleasantly surprised not to hate me which is pretty much how most of my dates are. Zero expectation situations."

"Yeah, that's how society has trained us to be. Can't get your hopes for anything anymore." 

Then we hook up again and thennnnn we discuss dating apps. 

"Are you on bumble?"

"Yeah, I am. To be honest though, I prefer the more traditional gender roles, I like to be in charge, I don't want a girl asking me out." 

"Yeah, you couldn't pay me to use that app. I don't chase guys, they chase me. I am a firm believer in that gender role." 

"I do love chasing...but I also love catching." (leans in and starts kissing me.) 

"Hey, nothing has been caught yet...don't count your eggs before they've hatched..."

"No, don't misconstrue what I said..."

"Ha, got you flustered again. I'm getting good at this."

Sigh, "Yes, you really are good this. You're a clever girl, you keep me on my toes." 

Thennnnnn we hook up again. (Last time, promise)

Afterwards, we see its 12:30am. He tells me he wants to cuddle for a few minutes before he leaves me alone. We cuddle, we talk, we kiss and he tells me how hard I'm making it for him to leave my bed. All good signs. 

We discussed stupid little things. He asked if he can add me on snapchat or if it's "too soon" -- I laughed and replied, we've already had sex and I think that's more personal than snapchat so add away.

OH and I asked how much of him coming over was wanting sex v. wanting to see me. He said if it was just about the sex, the text would've read, "hey I am back in town, wanna come hang at my place?" 

I said that text would've gotten swiftly ignored and you would've been ghosted HARD. He said he figured and that his motivation to see me was 50/50. Atleast that's honest? 

He then asked me what my ratio was. I said, that's for me to know and you to never find out. Once again he goes, damn - you are really good at getting me to talk. At one point while discussing his family (he has 8 siblings) he stopped and said, "wow, I don't really open up like this normally..." 

ALSO a very good sign. 

At another point in the night I commented that it seems he doesn't give a shit about much of anything. He paused, pulled me into his chest and said, "It's just the opposite. I give a shit about everything but I pretend hard not to."

As he was getting dressed he mentioned how nice it was to have really fun sex with someone as hot as me, "nothing average about you, Elle." 

As I walked him to the door, he kissed me three times, said he'll see me next week at the gala. 

SO for this being a semi-bootycall situation it surely felt better than just that...I still don't really know where that leaves things though? I plan to look insanely hot next Wednesday at the gala and make it really hard for him to imagine finding an overall better match. 

Dating takes time, time he doesn't have. When taking new girls on dates, most of the time you'll be comparing them to the girl you're already talking to and I am hoping none of the others will compare. 

At the end of the day, if this is meant to work out -- it is going to. I can analyze things to death but it won't change the outcome. 

So here's to me chilling the fuck out, enjoying my weekend in Dallas and seeing where this goes. 

(Not gonna lie, I am hoping for the best) 

xo xo,

​Elle

Friday nights date was a littttttttle ridiculous. 

Jason seemed normal. Asked me out within a few days of chattering, 6'2, Indian, good job, lives down the street. We plan to meet at a local bar for drinks Friday and keep it simple. 

We met at 9:20pm and I didn't get to flee until MIDNIGHT. 

This doesn't sound terrible except this guy had NO idea that he was the worst. 

He talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked. 

I was falling asleep at one point, it got so bad. 

He then orders food. FML, now I am stuck even longer. I decide to lock myself in the bathroom for five solid minutes so he can eat without speaking thus hurrying up the dining process. 

Thankfully when I return, his food is finished. 
Sadly, he has just ordered his third drink. 

WILL I EVER GET OUT OF HERE!? 

This guy had the personality of beige wallpaper, spoke WAY too loud, didn't make eye contact while telling his useless, longwinded stories and he kept touching my leg. Ugh. 

We walk out of the bar and he asks maybeeeee 100x, "I hope you had a good time, I hope you had a good time, I hope you had a good time!" 

How do you respond to that when you absolutely, 10000000 percent didn't? 

After this date, I realized all I need in life - I already have.
Two cats and a bed. 

At one point I started recording the date on my phone but our trusty lawyer, G informed me that it might not be the wisest move to post without consent. (You know, when the blog blows up and Jason finds it - he might get mad.) 

That was date 1/2 for the weekend. 

Date 2 occurred Sunday night with Rams (concert fella). He came over to my house and brought my favorite flowers (lilies) and chocolates. This guy is so sweet and innocent, AH it's precious. Makes me feel like I am back in high school. We started making out after we watched a movie (it was a little better than before) and then it became clear he was trying to get laid. Luckily, it's a bad time of the month so that got shut down. He invited me to a concert (shocking) when I get back from Dallas so I won't see him for a week which is good. He is sweet but I think he is way too innocent for me. He has no edge to him and he isn't sarcastic which is kind of a turnoff... His text when he got home last night read, "Elle, thank you for tonight. As always, you are beautiful. Your house is really nice, and I liked your Christmas tree. See you next week." 

Presh. 

Antonio left Thursday to golf with the bros and I haven't heard a peep. I think he returns today? I've decided if I don't hear from him by Wednesday, he will be replaced as my gala date. No expectations anymore.

New toads: 
Si. Persian, 28, super cute, wants to meet up Tuesday for dinner...we just matched last night so if I have time, I will definitely try and swing it. 

Ryan. White toad, 33, easy to chat with. Hasn't asked me out yet but suggested after my Dallas trip we do something. We both share a love for gummy bears so that's a good start. We shall see... ;)

That's about it for now. Have a good week peeps.

xo xo,
Elle

PS the cast has been updated to include...Cyrus, Rams, and Antonio. Cyrus is only important still because he was the best tinderfella of 2016 so until he stops being referenced, we will keep him there for our new readers. Am I missing anyone??

Romance is the air, but you might have to meet it halfway, Libra. With passionate Mars in your amorous fifth house hooked up with Jupiter in your sign, don't wait around to be wooed. Seize the reins and get yourself in the mood. Spritz on the good perfume; don your favorite lingerie. Pick up your favorite fresh-cut flowers and inhale that intoxicating aroma all day. Pampering yourself makes it easier to be nurtured by others and opens your heart to all the love that's out there! (All about that life)

Courtesy of Elle.com 


Let's do a little dating recap, shall we? 

Antonio - If he skipped his weekend golf trip, I was on the agenda. He didn't skip thus I won't see him til who freaking knows when...

The other tinder prospects we discussed last week never asked me out and thus got unmatched. BRUCE, BYE. 

The League...Welcome to wannabe Elite dating in DC. So far this app is garbage but seeing as it's members only, we just hadddd to try it. I have one potential Leaguer date - meet Fabrizio. 100% Italian, terrible English but suggested a champagne date (2/2 on Italians suggesting champs dates) and I said I'd try for next week. 

Tinder toads: There's 3 current conversations, they are all various levels of boring. One guy did ask for drinks this weekend anddd he lives down the street so let's hope we can squeeze that in on Sunday.

First boyfriend ever, EP wants to join me in January on a ski trip. Not opposed but he's also quite flakey so I am not counting on it to pan out. 

XF is still calling incessantly to see me. Luckily, groomzilla is in town this weekend so he will be tied up and unable to hotline bling my phone to death. 

OH and Arash update. We just hosted Thanksgiving together like a fully functioning married couple. We are spending Christmas together and we just finished decorating our house for the holidays...Married life has it's fun moments, ya'll. I found out from a friend that in his guys text group one of the fellas who lives abroad started questioning why Arash isn't dating me. I guess his friend FB stalked me and was all kinds of confused as to why Arash hadn't made a move. Well, to sum that up - he's a pussy/peter pan. 

I have since decided that it wouldn't be a good match. His head is in the clouds pretty much all the time and I really value a strong sense of common sense in a fella. 

So that is THAT. 

Mia and I have 2 challenges this month which will be fun!

First: match with the same tinder toad (check), flirt with toad (check), and then show up on the date at the same time and confuse the fuck out of him. We matched with the same guy who is trying to fuck both of us and thought it'd be hilarious for them to meet for drinks, me be there with her before he shows up and then me be like, "oh wait, you look familiar...." then both of us dip out. OR Mia could just bang him (he is hot) and have a hook up bud for the winter? Either way works.

Second: We are attending an event Dec. 21st together and we have two extra tickets...We are inviting a second/third date to join us for a double. Now we just need to find some worthy toads for some holiday fun. 

Time to go pretend to be productive.

xo xo,

Elle

We've got...

EP, first boyfriend everrrrrrr still blowing up the phone

XFactor - making the hotline bling with the face time requests - he leaves tomorrow for CA for a week...back to the Armenian mafia.

Jake - Whom I randomly had lunch with today. He got salty when asking about my recent tinder dates..."tinder is why your phone is always dying." OOOOOK bro, take it easy. 

Rams - Had dinner last night and before you know it, 3.5 hours had passed. Might be moving him outta the friend zone back to the potential category. Oh and he brought me a bracelet from his most recent travels...adorable! Gotta work on the kissing skills though...might see him again on Sunday.

Rami - BABE from California who is begging me to come back and visit. When can I escape next?! SIGN ME UP.

Antonio - Date #2 set for next week, let's seeeeeee how it goes. 

Still waiting on plans with Mak, Nik, and Steve...cmon tinderfellas, make shit happen!

xo xo,

​Elle

A five week hiatus and I'm back on top of that tinder game. 

On one hand I've got X Factor blowing up my phone/bugging the shit out of me and on the other I am back on the dating scene, doing what I do best. 

It's funny.

I enjoy being in a relationship but sometimes I think that I am most suited for single life. I am very good at reeling a guy in on a first date, I get a bit of a high from going on so many dates and getting to be whomever I feel like at that moment...I'm sure in a year I'll be bitching about hating single life but at the moment, it's really not so bad. 

I do not feel "lonely." 

I also don't NEED a boyfriend/hookup buddy. 

So let's dig in.

I went on a comedy club date with Raj two Sundays ago. IDK if I wrote about it but I am definitely working on putting him in the tinder friend zone. He invited me to a fancy dinner this past weekend and I pushed it off, maintaining I had plans. Nice guy but not my type/zero physical attraction/he still hasn't kissed me. 

I saw Jake last weekend x2. 
Friday my friend A invited him to join. It was fine, he begged me to go back to his place, I declined, nbd.

Sunday he invited me to brunch with his friends. I went, it was fun, low key, we didn't hookup. That was that. 

I went on a new date last night. The first match of my NEW Tinder approach.
Meet Antonio, Italian, 5'9, patent lawyer (this is patent lawyer #4), dark hair, dark eyes, from Seattle. 

He was great. We drank champagne, talked for three hours, it was easy and breezy. I drove him home because he doesn't have a car (he's the urban cool guy) and he went in for the kiss which is always awkward when you're leaning over the center console with a seatbelt on. 

Kiss was good, he paid, asked for date 2 on date 1. I said yes. He texted later in the evening to discuss options for date 2. 

All in all, a good date! 

I don't think he's "the one" but I am going to explore and see where it leads. 

Tonight I am hanging out with Rams as a FRIEND! This is concert fella. I haven't seen him since I blew off the Sia concert and Capitals game so tonight will be good. He just got back from a trip abroad so we can talk about that and hangout. I am excited we made this full circle transition. andddd YES he knows we are just friends & is cool with it. :) 

I am talking to three other cute guys on Tinder. Nik, Steve, Mak. Nik is hot, Steve went to Harvard, Mak is Scottish and just moved here from Glasgow. 

Mak asked me out but we haven't made a plan. The other two I am waiting on. 

Oh and my BABE of hookup from California just texted me (Rami) asking when I will come back because he misses me. Guys, he is SO gorgeous, I wish I could attach a pic. 

Stay tuned for new toad stories & the ending of Elle & Eve.

xo xo,

Elle

I think I have finally come up with the recipe for success.

You ready for this shit? 

It's good.
It's logical.
&
You better fucking try it.

Step 1: If you have a tinder, delete it and start over. 

Step 2: With your clean slate - pick some stellar photos & write just one sentence to describe yourself. Leave the men wondering. Don't give them all the info they need to know, they should ASK. Often we write a paragraph stating who we are then a toad judges us based on this before taking the time to actually talk to us. Give them NADA. This also helps give toads a chance to ask questions. If you wrote it all on your profile, what's left to ask? 

Step 3: Ten swipes a day.
By this I mean, ten YES swipes. COUNT THEM. You'll likely get 4-5 matches from your ten swipes (if you're pretty) otherwise count on 1-3.

Step 4: Wait 24 hours to give these toads a chance to send a message. If a guy doesn't message within the first 24 hours, he likely never will. I don't have an exact stat on this but I am a professional tinderella so just take my damn word on it. 

Step 5: Only maintain 4 conversations at a time. Not 5, not 6, FOUR. 
"Why 4 Elle?"
Four conversations allows you to actually engage with each toad without getting overwhelmed and bored. You need to give a little to get a little so try and put your best tinder foot forward with each of these guys. You may quickly discover nothing in common and you let the conversation die but at least you actually tried vs giving the bare minimum and being upset when a guy has no desire to execute asking you out. Ladies, take some responsibility here.

Often I find that I have so many conversations at once that I can't really keep it all straight, I get exhausted, and I lose interest because I never hung around long enough to find out something noteworthy about Mr.Toad. SO FOUR is the magic number. Don't fuck with it, just do it.

Step 6: Once you decide who you want to meet in person, set up your dates and get back to your 10 swipes. 

Step 7: Every week go through your matches and un match toads who never sent a message. Keep your tinder game clean and organized. 

MORAL OF THIS RECIPE IS...

BE STRATEGIC.

You are probably strategic in most aspects of your life and why not apply the same concepts to dating? 

Don't sit in your bed bored, swiping for hours, racking up hundreds of matches. That is overwhelming and honestly it's a waste of matches. Don't engage in 10 conversations at a time because I PROMISE you'll lose interest and likely never even meet half of them. 

You never know who you're going to "click" with so take it slow, be strategic and give people chances. 

I challenge alllllllllll the singles to give this a try. 

So far, its working quite well for me. All four of my conversations are great, 2 have asked for dates and I have a feeling the other 2 will soon... Four dates is manageable, 15 isn't. 

Stay the course my friends, stay the course. 

xo xo,

TinderELLa

I had a really great date last night. 

Raj is 35, successful, race car driver (on the side), funny, smart and easy to talk to. We just click. 

We went on our first date months ago and due to crazy schedules hadn't been able to connect for date two until last night. 

We went to an Improv show and it was fantastic. 
First off, he paid for everything - I didn't even have a chance to offer. 
Secondly, he's the easiest to talk to and really quite funny. 

He is the PERFECT tinder friend.

When I look at him, I have no desire for him to kiss me and there is NO way I could sleep with him. 

He's not terrible looking I just am not attracted whatsoever. 

This really drives me nuts because this guy is fantastic and would probably be a pretty fun boyfriend to have. 

But we will never find out because I feel zero things towards him. 

He's invited me to dinner Thursday or Friday and I am going to take that as my opp. to transition him fully into the tinder friendzone aka I'm going to try and split the bill and avoid the first kiss that hasn't occurred yet. 

Last night after the comedy show he walked me to my car and while he had ample opportunity to kiss me, all he did was execute a cheek peck. I'd think maybeeee he's getting friend vibes from me too except the steakhouse dinner date doesn't exactly scream friend activity...

Stay tuned on how we turn this one from tinder toad to tinder friend. 

xo,
​Elle

I have deleted my tinder.

So many matches, so many toads, so many toads who never sent messages. 

My well dried right on up. 

So I made the decision to completely delete my account and start fresh with the swiping...but not so fast.

First, I am giving this app Hinge a try. 

Thus far, it's a dud. It markets itself as the "relationship" app...I bet... I am trying to broaden my online dating horizons and I hated bumble so I am praying hinge will pick up some speed. 

I don't have the mental capacity to write an Ok Cupid profile and sell myself to the general public...shouldn't being cute be enough? 

Match.com was terrifying, never will I ever do that shit again.

EHarmony seems a litttttle too aggressive...

Don't get me started on Christian Mingle or Farmers Only...I kid, I kid.

Wouldn't it be so stellar if guys still had the balls to approach girls IN REAL LIFE? 

In other news, I am going on a second date with a guy who is fun to text but was meh on the first date. He didn't completely repulse me so I am finally going on date two...nearly 6 weeks after date one.
That is how desperate I am.

We are going to a comedy club on Sunday. He first suggested dance clubbing Saturday night...hard NO. My clubbing days began and ended in the month of October, we are now in hibernation mode. Club dresses aren't coming out again until 1. vacation 2. Miami is re-planned. Bro, I am 28...I can't be all up in the club in November like some 21 year old. Psh. This clown is 33 I think? TBH I don't even know his name because I never saved it in my phone....

That is about it, life is pretty lame without 1000 tinder dates every week. I'm also pretty salty still that things didn't pan out with Cyrus. He's the ONLY one I have actually liked. 

Typical...

GUEST BLOGGERS - WHERE YOU ATTTTTT?! Gimme some stories, I NEED YOU!

​Elle

When you ask your closest friends to check their phone books...

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.
(this is why I never save their numbers, no clogging up my phonebook, TOADS.) 

Whew, what a wild couple of weeks its been...So many failed dates in just over a month of singleness...How do I do it?

Luckily, these toads are tools so they make it easy on me.

Let's recap...

Since August 10th when I dumped XF on his ass...

August 13 - First weekend of singleness was Jaddo, my Lebanese millionaire who I have hooked up with during every break up since 2012. We only kissed & danced. (he's miserable in bed) He however has the best taste in everything so we always have a good time AND he's loaded. $$$

August 15 - Jake returns. I Had a work event that he was my date to the year before and decided to invite him again thus kicking off this love affair.

August 18 - First tinder date back in the game, Cyrus. AMAZING guy who ghosted me after date 4. 

August 27 - Groupers in Cali: round 1 - Danial and Moe. My date was Danial - the guy who was sucking my face off after 30 seconds and proceeded to stalk me afterwards aka lunatic. 

August 30 - round 2 - Ali/Rami & M - Ali, my original date ditched me mid date because I was texting and utterly bored to tears by him. He was replaced by sexpot Rami who I proceeded to sleep with and still keep in touch with. He wants to come to the east coast next month...not mad at it ;) So that was only a half failed date.

(then lots of Jake time) 

September 8 - Ram, Kanye West concert. 

September 9- Final date with Cyrus, womp, womp.

September 11- Naj, nice guy who took me to the wine bar - good personality, not attracted to him whatsoever. Keeps bugging for date 2...

September 14 - Meltdown over XF, called him sobbing.

September 20 - Date with Lex, jackass who was only trying to fuck me.

September 21 - First/last date with Shady, FOB ass Egyptian whom I only lasted 20 minutes with before fleeing. THEN Last date with Lex where I refused to fuck him.

September 22 - Workout with Jake & friends then Pdiddy concert with Ram. 

September 23 - Double date with Mia and the toads we ran from, slept with Jake after.

September 24 - Coffee date with PJ the Persian toad who only had 30 minutes to spare...fucking loser.

September 25 - Third date with Ram, played pool, had dinner, & worst first kiss evaaaaa. Later, Arash arrived home from a 10 day vaca.

This week? DATE FREE! 

I am fucking exhausted. I told all the toads I am traveling for work and can't see them except for Jake. I am tired of the juggling. Clearly putting myself out there has gotten me literally nowhere because the guy I like the most is the only guy I didn't meet on tinder. (Jake)

Gimme an A for effort? 

Fuck. It's crazy how much dating I've done with zero return on investment. Granted, I did sleep with 3 guys in 1 month which is a world record for me. Sorry not sorry, it was much needed after two years of terrible sex with XF. Also, all 3 were bomb in bed so that really was the bright side to all this dating/waste of makeup.

Things are heating up with Jake (he actually just left), I can't help it even if I tried...I know I should hit the brakes but I don't want to...

PS Jake said he'd write a blog post for me about me..."the male perspective on falling in love with Elle..."

However - if he does that, he will be able to find the blog via search engine SO I am going to have to re-word the fuck out of it. Should be interesting if he follows through or not...

xoxo
Elle

PS the day I return from our girls trip to Miami marks 2 official months XFactor free...this is the longest I have ever gone without seeing him. Let's see what kinda trouble I can get into before then ;)

LASTLY - Podcast launches after Miami...I have quite the agenda for it, promise you're gonna loveeeeeeee it! 

​So you heard about the Thursday and Friday shenanigans. After a fun Saturday night out with Elle and Double Trouble, we grabbed a tasty brunch Sunday morning. I had been talking with another Tinder gent throughout the week who said we should try to get together on Sunday for drinks but hadn’t yet heard from him. We’ll call him Doug. After brunch, the three of us headed back to Elle’s place where our guy friend met us and I was explaining the situation. Guy friend says just text him to see if we’re still on, I get a text back and our date is set for a cute little outdoor spot. It’s a beautiful fall night and I’m kind of excited, though I do know to go in with low expectations.
 
I walk in and see him, and he looks even cuter in person. Tall, handsome, bright blue eyes, bit of a scruff … I like what I see.  I order a drink and the date begins. We’re talking with ease, chatting about everything and anything, laughing, drinking. I’m thinking, this might be the best first date I’ve ever been on. (I’m also wondering if that’s actually the case or if I’ve just been on so many bad/mediocre dates lately that a halfway decent one seems amazing.)
 
We talked about our families, our interests, where we see ourselves and what we want in life. And it seems like we want a lot of the same things. He also kept saying really cute little things like: he knows a really great dinner spot he wants to take me on our second date or that he looks great in a suit and is a fabulous wedding date (we chatted about upcoming friends’ weddings). Some of his rhetoric did come off as rather smooth, but also genuine. I excuse myself to the bathroom about halfway through the date to use the ladies room and text Elle: “omg omg omg omg. He’s so cute and so funny and I’m having the best time.”
 
We’re talking some more and chat about Tinder, I find out I’m his second Tinder date ever. That sets off a small warning bell and lots of questions cross my mind … is he cautious about who he actually goes out with? Is he just recently back on the market? If so, is he just looking to date or sleep around? He also hinted at a long vacation with an ex and her family last December and losing Netflix in “the divorce” so something is definitely up with an ex that seems like it may have been long term, need to find out more info there.
 
We ended up talking for about three hours before we called it. We pretty much shut the restaurant/patio where we were down and it was a Sunday night so we both had to work the next day. He paid for the bill (I offered, he was surprised and asked if guys actually make girls pay sometimes and thought that was ridiculous… swoon), he walked me to my car (double swoon) and he held my hand on our little walk (triple swoon).
 
When we got to my car, he pulled me close and said “I had a really great time tonight, I’d love to see you again. Can we do something again sometime this week?” I said yes, I’d love that as well and that I had an awesome time too. Then he was just staring at me smiling for a split second and went in for a kiss. And Oh. My. God. It was an insane kiss. One of those passionate yet soft, aggressive yet sensual, fireworks-exploding, heart-fluttering, is-this-really-happening-right-now kind of kisses. After we pull away he goes “Wow, that’s the best first kiss I’ve ever had, I’m looking forward to more of that. … so much so that I’m going to have to kiss you again.” And leans right back in.  So yeah, I had a great date with a great guy, and we shared a GREAT kiss. He asked me to text when I got home so I did, he reiterated that he wanted to see me again soon (and how great the kiss was) and wished me a good night.
 
… the day after...

Mia here, I’m back.
Where did we last leave off with my love life … or lack thereof?

Quick recap: Speed dating from hell, a couple of guys who couldn’t execute plans and getting stood up … twice. Suffice to say, I needed to take a dating break. I was so sick of the online toads and chose to shift my focus to things I wanted to do: have fun with my friends and travel. Maybe try meeting some people in person? They say it happens when you least expect it, right? Lofty goals, I know.

Spoiler alert: Still single, still looking … and now I’m back on the Tinder train.
 
Thankfully, Elle is right there with me now and so is our other bff Double Trouble. This may be the first time we’ve all been single, aggressively dating and not giving two fucks — and it’s great. Even better? It means I have some entertaining stories to share as well.
 
I booked myself an aggressive weekend of dates. Thursday, Friday, potential Saturday and Sunday. I was impressed with myself, but I really just needed to get over the hump, suck it up and get the hell out there. And I did.
 
Ok Thursday night: Wesley. Executive chef, 34, 6’4” … seemed cute and active in his photos. We had some good conversation on the app and he executed in asking me out pretty quickly, which I appreciated. (Boys, take note … one of the worst things you can do if you’re interested in a gal is string her along with talk and talk and no action. ASK. HER. OUT. Give her a time a date and a place and PLAN. AHEAD. It’s not that difficult. It’s also a HUGE pet peeve of mine. #endrant). We go to a bar for drinks. He walks in, is definitely tall like his photos but … he’s bald. Definitely wasn’t in his photos but oh well, I can deal. He greets me with THE most awkward half hug side kiss I have ever encountered. I think … ohhhhh boy.

Long story short (I won’t bore you too much with this one) he talked mostly about himself, I was asking all the questions and he barely asked questions about me. Yawn. The date ends, he doesn’t walk me to my car but just to the corner and again we exchange an UBER awkward side hug/cheek kiss. Obviously wasn’t meant to be but you gotta start somewhere, right?
 
Now on to Friday … the dreaded double date with Elle.
 
I was looking forward to this one, I thought it’d be fun to do a double with my bff and we had gotten confirmation from Jake that the one gent was tall and good looking. Plus the dude had been in touch with Elle all week, confirmed a date and time and was following through. What ensued was hilarity, to say the least.
 
The boys called Elle and said they were on the way to the bar, we were coming from the same neighborhood so they asked if we wanted a ride. Elle said yes and (after struggling with directions…) they finally made it to Elle’s. Yes, we met these toads for the first time in an Uber. The supposedly “tall” and “good looking” toad gets out of the car … and is a solid 2-3 inches shorter than me. (I’m 5’7” which isn’t *that* tall … at this point, seems like Jake knew what he was doing here) and his friend is basically a mute. Tinder toad #1 is talking the whole ride about who knows what, tinder toad #2 says maybe five words the entire time. We arrive at the bar and Elle and I excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom.

​THANKFULLY we were thinking the same thing: How the hell are we going to get out of this snoozefest? Elle is two steps ahead of me and has already concocted a plan. We’ll stay for a drink and then execute our planned exit. We end up sucking our drinks down pretty quickly, entertain the toads for 15-20 minutes, then I say I have a call I have to take outside, text Elle and say I fell down the stairs and twisted my ankle pretty badly and that I called an Uber to go home because it hurt so bad. She shows the Tinder toads the texts and says she has to go check on me, they say they’ll follow she says no! but apparently they started to follow … she sprints down the stairs and meets me on the street and we literally sprint away from them. #sorrynotsorry
 
So that’s the latest on my trials and tribulations. Saturday’s ended up being a no-show. Sunday’s was actually … dare I say … promising?
 
That’s all for now, stay tuned for the details on Sunday’s date and more!
 
Xo
Mia

 Im sorry!!! I am the worst, I really didn't mean to take such a hiatus - I have barely had time to sleep let alone blog.

Thursday: Went to the gym with A, her bf, & Jake. That was fun because we kicked their asssssses and gained a whole new level of respect from both fellas. After class I dropped them off as fast as possible and bolted into the shower then to the Pdiddy concert with Ram. 

He was nice as always, concert was great, we planned to see each other Saturday. No chemistry still but hey, whatever. He is definitely my top candidate for tinder friend. 

Friday: Hang with Jake during the day. Nothing exciting...

Friday PM: double date with Mia and the two worst toads EVER. Mia is going to author an entire post on this so I won't give anything away...it was BAD. 

Late Friday PM: Jake comes over. I'm pretty wasted...he doesn't seem to mind though. I whine to him, "why can't you want what I want in lifeeeeeee?" 
Jake: "Elle, we want the same things its about WHEN we want them."
Me: "I can't wait 10 years Jakeeeeeee."
Jake: "It's not about 10 years, it's about being financially stable and setting myself up for that stage of life. I'm working on it but I am not there. I wanna marry a girl like you, I want kids."
Me: "IDK what to doooooooooo"
Starts kissing me, clothes coming off, stumbling into my bedroom and the case is closed, I officially forgot anything I was whining about. 

Who needs kids and a husband when the sex is just this good? 

Saturday: Coffee date with a new persian toad. PJ. He was fine, nothing exciting, nothing bad but then after 30 minutes, "I need to get back to my neighborhood now, it was nice meeting you!" 

and abruptly, he's gone.

What the fuck? It was a totally normal date...I am so confused. Was there food in my teeth? HUH? 

Guess I'm not as good at this as I thought? 

Whatever, onto the next. 

Off to costco I go...part of my independence plan was signing up for my own membership...something I had dreaded doing because it was something I always did and enjoyed with X Factor. 

I almosttttt started crying while signing the paperwork...luckily, I didn't. Made me so bitter towards XF though. I can't believe I have to endure these dating disasters all over again, you fucker. 

Saturday PM: Gal pals come over and we head to G's house. He entertains us as always and we decide to hit up a local bar for a bit after. Meet 0 potentials, head home and pass out. 


Sunday: date with Ram that I had zero interest in going on. No concert, no care.

He asks if I'd like to play ping pong.

UMMMMM...this is a joke, right? 

I say no and suggest we do something close to my house instead...let's keep this non concert date as brief as possible.

He is very nice but it's as if I am hanging out with a high school kid, he's just so young/innocent in my eyes... So turns out he is pretty religious which is why he doesn't drink. I can respect it but I can't date it. 

We play billiards, have dinner and he walks me to my car where he FINALLY kisses me. 
It was terrible. No skills whatsoever, send help. 

He invites me to the Jason Aldean concert Saturday, I decline and he says to let him know when I am free next. Ugh, is it mean to say I'm free when the next Capitals game is? He has free box seats via work so it's no cost out of pocket and he's always got the best seat in town. 

Was supposed to see Jake after date with Ram and before picking up Arash from the airport but sadly ran out of time so I called him instead. We chatted for an hour, was a good talk then off I go to get Arash. 

Stay tuned for my revelations about my feelings toward Arash (aka my roommate), 2 MIA guest posts, Jake updates, TinderToad updates, clearing the roster & MIAMI planning for my 28th year. 

xo

Elle

Alright soooooo after a major work event, a 20 minute date with a toad I had no real desire to meet I agreed to see Lex again. 

He met me near my house for a quick dinner...this was Wednesday, the night after date 1. 

All was good all day, normal texts, etc. 

Then we sit down and start chatting...

I learn...
He was married and annulled at 28. So he lied when I asked if he had been married before...
That is kind of a huge deal breaker for me.... I get pretty quiet and try to diagnose this information...

Then sex comes up... 

Well, he has a major foot fetish. Likes a girls feet in his line of sight during sex and as close to his youknowwhat as possible....ummmm, what the fuck, weird...

I tell him I have no plans of sleeping with him in the near future so FYI...

Then he says I look tired and we should get going so I can get some sleep. Ah, totally agree - this has been a lot for one night. 

He walks me to my car and I mention how all the religious symbols he has in his house kind of freak me out...He is NOT a fan of that. In every single window and on every table there is something religious. It is so intense and unlike anything I've ever seen before... 

He doesn't try to kiss me and says bye.

Hmmmm...I am so tired, I don't really even care at this point. Get me to bed. 

Last night after I returned from the Bad Boy Reunion concert with Ram, I get a text at 12:22am...

"Hey there,I don't think we are a good match and don't see myself spending more time with you. Hope you find what it is you're looking for."

Well, I had prayed that God would tell me what to do with this one...clearly that resolved itself at warp speed (Thank you God, not in the mood for wasting time). 

Oh and did I mention he had the worlds smallest penis, EVER? 
I was worried about that too but hey, I wanted to give a guy a chance. 

Anyhoo - I didn't reply, I am not upset, he's a weirdo and I am really glad I didn't waste my spare time with a guy who really was just trying to fuck me. 

Lots of new dates coming up, stay tuned! 

xo

Elle