Welp friends, it's officially official. 

Liam and Miss Piggy have tied the knot.

"Elle you're such a shallow bitch!"

Telllll me something I don't know.

I can't remember what I named his fiancee so Miss Piggy will have to suffice for today's post. 

If I have offended you, you can stop reading now. #IgiveZeroFucks. 

Soooooo the screenshots of facebook posts came rollllin in yesterday from my crew of bitchy friends (love you all, thank you for keeping me in the loop since he blocked me) as I lived in my bed ALL damn day due to another wild night out with Antonio. (We can discuss that later, this takes precedence) 

I wasn't hungover but I was too tired to accomplish a damn thing and after seeing allllll of these posts/pics, I officially lost all desire to be productive.

When your ex's get married, it's a really fucking weird feeling. When Bobby got married to Jello last July, I felt a deep sadness. Luckily, I had Mia to comiserate with me because her first love got married on the same damn day. Refresh your minds here. My first love with someone else. I always saw my future with him (naive, I know) but he understood me in ways most people don't. Even now, Bobby knows me in a way XF never, ever will. It felt like a funeral. 

Yesterday was no different. 

Sure, we broke up FIVE years ago. But Liam was pretty important. 1. he was the nicest guy I've ever dated 2. The only person I've ever lived with 3. I started my business while living with him with him being my BIGGEST supporter 4. I've grappled with a lot of regret regarding the way I acted when I was with him. 

I had many moments where I was a super vicious bitch. I always felt like I was the race car in life and he was the Prius. We just couldn't keep up with one another despite how hard I tried. Liam was so OK with  mediocrity. I was not. 

I think that point right there, is really what broke us to the core. Sure, we had other issues where his mother would do his laundry or clean our house or he'd go home to his parents EVERY fucking night after work and I'd be at our house like "where the fuck are you, why do I live here if you aren't gonna be around?" 

I had no friends in his city. I had no life there. He was EVERYTHING. That is also a major recipe for disaster I suppose. I am a city woman, he is a suburban kid. 

Anyhow, I was spending more and more time in DC meeting people who were achieving MAJOR things. My friend at the time, Jaddo was a self-made millionaire who was killing it in every arena. 

Liam was in a dead end job that he hated and relied heavily on his parents financial support. 

I kept seeing people doing big things during the day and then at night I'd return to complacent, mediocrity. 

I loved him but love has and never will be enough for me. 

Well, try breaking the nicest guy in the worlds heart and then try moving on from that. 

No one has treated me as well as he has since. A price I had to pay to find a guy who was ready to race with me vs the guy I had to keep pushing up the hill. 

So in true mediocre form, he is now married to Miss Piggy. She wore the worlds ugliest dress (that made me feel better) and the wedding looked like crap. 

I don't want a fancy, expensive wedding but I promise you when I do the whole wedding bit -- my design concept will be simple and classy, my dress will be a showstopper, and I will be in my best form. Miss Piggy looked about 6 months preggo walking down the aisle, don't get me started on this because I could rant for DAYS. (Also, she is a total bitch so I don't feel so bad saying this. Her political views are "ultraconservative" which can only mean she gives NO fucks for those less fortunate in this world and she MIGHT be a Trump supporter which is just NOT OK.) 

My bitchy friends and I were actually thinking she MIGHT be preggo. 

Can't wait for those texts, "OMG they are having a baby!"

Then I really am the world's biggest bitch. 

So another ex bites the dust and here I am floating along, drinking til 6am and staying in bed for an entire day afterward. 

#notadulting 

So cheers to Liam and MP, may they live happily ever after in mediocrity. 

xo xo,

Elle

​PS Can the bitchy girl ever win?

I met Joey when I was dating Liam. He was my favorite bar tender at the club I used to frequent back in my very early 20's. 

He was 6'5, blonde, perfect features, amazing smile, and the best personality. 

When Liam and I broke up, Joey was my first interest. He was so nice to me and so handsome, ahhhh I had the biggest crush. Even Mia can attest that he is a gorgeous fella. 

So I'd always invite him places and try to pursue him, he never took my bait. Eventually I grew tired of the club scene and he moved away. We didn't keep in touch and that was that. I was onto Babak by then anyways. 

Wellllll two weeks ago, Mia sends me a text - "OMG OMG OMG Joey just liked the photo of you and I from NYE!!!" 

That photo was posted a long time ago, he isn't friends with Mia on FB so he had to creep pretty hard on me to find her and then like the photo. 

We were BAFFLED! Later that day we see he posted that he's coming back to DC for five days. So I "liked" the post. 

I expected nada to come of it because we haven't talked since maybeeee 2012?

Last night I log into my facebook and finally decide to open up those pesky facebook messages and what do I find...

A MESSAGE FROM JOEY!! 

OMG OMG OMG is my first thought. 

"Hey Elle! I am back in DC for five days, I'd love to catch up. Here's my number, text me!"

He sent that FRIDAY, its now Sunday. SHIT I hope he's still here! 

I reply on fb and then rapidly text him, "Hey it's Elle. Are you still around?" 

We make plans to meet up tonight after I finish my workout and that is that. 

We were never really close friends so I think that this whole "lets meet up" thing is because of a mutual attraction that was never acted upon. Basically he lurks me on FB, is super curious, and here we are. 

In my favor, I am prettier than I was in 2012 (I didn't workout at all back then) AND I'm more mature. 

Ohhhh and my facebook page says I am single soooo that could be part of it too. 

I don't think he's looking to sleep with me and run, he's always been a really respectful, sweet guy. 

Needless to say, I am VERY excited to see him. He is GORGEOUS and so tall. He is also one of the only guys I've wanted who seemingly didn't want me back. (Sounds cocky but I pride myself on getting what I want and can fully admit that I 100% failed with him) 

Stay tunedddddd....

Up next: An Antonio update. 

xo xo,

​Elle

Ummm...

February is going to be the fucking ticket. 

Legit...the stories are about to be in full force. 

I get a text right before walking into spin class tonight from Nate. (Sidebar ---> will explain who he is) 

& I haven't seen him since graduation! 

We dated pretty much all four years of college. There were some breaks here and there but overall, he was my college fella and definitely my best friend all four years. 

We still talk once a month and there's no bad blood. 

(He's the one Bobby fought that summer I planned the scavenger hunt.)

SO he texts me, "are you gonna be in LA? I'm there for work 19-22"

"OMG, 16-26! We are meeting up!"

"Nice, I'm excited to see you. I'll be staying in Manhattan Beach"

"I'll be in Newport Beach but can drive up there, I'm so excited!" 

"That's a little bit away! But yeah let's make it happen (kissy face emoji)"

So then he calls and we make an official plan to meet the 19th for dinner in Manhattan Beach. 

We hang up and I send him a screenshot of him on my calendar with a smiley face. 

"Haha, it'll be a late Vday celebration"

"That means...pita pit!"

"Ouch, your memory is too good"

Freshman year he failed to execute a plan for Valentines Day andddddd we wound up eating Pita Pit. Don't get me wrong, Pita Pit is delicious BUT not quite an Elle-level Valentines (especially after years of Bobby KILLING the Valentines Day game) 

However it does make me laugh every time I think about it now. :) 

SO we have Rami picking me up from the airport, then a few days later Nate reunion (5 years overdue) + I'm sure I'll find more trouble to get into in Cali. (Bestie 1, I'm lookin at YOU!) 

I definitely expect some ex sex with Nate. TBH, I really wanna see if he's any good now. I was his first time, his first love, and his first girlfriend (he hasn't dated anyone seriously since me) SO I kinda wanna see how things have progressed. (No, I don't remember if it was good or not...I think it must've been decent to do it for four years??) 

Isn't this fun!? 

Off to PR at 5am, time to catch those zzzzz. 

xo xo,

Excited Elle 

You know how Facebook can notify you of "this day x years ago you were doing xyz"? 

Well, it served useful today because it led me to the blog I wrote the semester I moved to Egypt. 

I guess that's where the passion for writing began to take shape? One of my posts written before I departed was pretty hilarious and I decided since it's still flashback month / throwback Thursday that I would share.

"So onto a completely different topic... today someone who I was talking to said in regards to someone in their life, "if its meant to workout it will". And of course because I over think everything I decided I kind of agreed but mostly disagreed with that. I think that saying is convenient to say but I believe you have to put work and effort into attaining the things and relationships you want. Getting the job you want or maintaining a friendship or relationship takes a lot of work. You cant just sit there and say, "if we are meant to be friends, we will be" when you get into a fight with someone. Or If i am meant to be with him/her it will workout. Yeah I mean in the "end" everyone will hopefully end up with the person they belong with but that's very unrealistic. I am not a cynical or pessimistic person but I think that you could easily end up with the wrong person because you 1. didn't put enough effort into making it work with the right person or 2. you gave up and settled. Of course there are many other reasons for such but those are the first two that come to my mind. I know so many people who are in relationships with people just because they are scared of being alone and they don't want to have to go out and date again. Dating is a process of elimination, if you don't put yourself out there then you'll never know your options. I am not advocating for anyone to be a whore but if you're not happy or satisfied majority of the time with your signif. other than do yourself a favor and go see whats out there instead of complaining to me about how unhappy you are. I guess this rant/discussion stems a lot from the fact that somehow I became a relationship advice guru/matchmaker. I love setting people up because I happen to know a lot of people and I want my friends to be happy (plus its always worth a shot andddd i might get a shout out at a wedding). And there are a decent amount of happy couples who I have introduced, that truly makes me happy. But what I hate to see/hear is how unhappy my friends are with the people they CHOOSE to date. I really think that if you try your hardest to make something work and you really love that person then you're doing the right thing -- but sometimes that isn't mutual and you're in a relationship with yourself. So friends who are upset-- is the other person making as much of an effort as you are? Is it worth how sad/unhappy you are as often as you are? Sometimes I think that people really need to just sit down and evaluate things. As I have gotten older and moved around the US I have had friendships that have come and go. And honestly I am glad some of them didn't last because they're shitty people and I always put way more into it than they did. I am all about mending broken bridges and reconciling - i hate holding grudges or being upset with friends but sometimes its just not worth it. And you cant expect to be friends with everyone forever-people change and sometimes you don't like the person they changed into.

I went through a phase when I first got to college and I changed dramatically into a person I do not know today. Many good things happened but many bad things did as well. I hurt people close to me and I shut certain people out. But I did snap out of it and I realize the dumb shit I did. But you gotta make the mistakes to learn from them. So I am glad I got that out of the way! Now I am on a road to self-betterment/pursuit of happiness. 3 years ago I would have never dreamed Id be studying abroad in Egypt. I really had no interest in Egypt 3 years ago, freshman year of college changed everything for me and now I am obsessed. Don't even get me started on Nasser. I could legitimately talk about Nasser for days/weeks. Arab nationalism and Nasser's reign is just so fascinating to me. (Geek is coming out!)

Anyways, I have ranted/wrote enough about things that nobody probably even cares about. All I want to say is -- I want to hear about your problems friends, I love and care about you all but you have to start looking out for yourselves as well. Really think about what is best for your life/who you want in your life. I know who I want in mine :)"

HAHAHAHAHAHA everyone laugh with me now. That was 7 years & 12 days ago today. 

Isn't TBT so much fun? Funny how your life experiences lead you to your correct path. Perhaps my blog needs to live forever or I just need to write the book and get the courage to publish it. 

Who knows. 

xo xo,

Elle

Soooooo many Bobby flashbacks, I decided to lurk around for some dirt with Liam. 

Found it.

Emails from a few months after we broke up and RIGHT after Eve spilled the beans that I was dating someone new. 

Ah, to think we really did have a fighting chance at staying friends. Definitely blew that but this chain is a nice reminder that we truly didn't end on the worst of notes. (We broke up Nov. 2012)

4/10/13

Liam to Elle: 

Elle, i'll understand if u dont reply but i wanted to let you know that it was wrong of me to approach yesterdays situation like i did. All i had to say was "i'm upset, i think we should talk" and i'm sure that would have been much more construcive. Being upset and trying to work things out through text is an obvious disaster waiting to happen.

I'm sorry for making you feel bad. Two wrongs dont make a right. When I get emotional and when i stew on things and bottle it up inside it comes out in a non constructive way. Things are obviously different now, given all types of factors, but i just wanted to put all this out there. I think that maybe i also react this way with you is because maybe it will finally just push you away enough that you end up getting tired of it and leaving, so that i dont have to worry anymore and even though we have a strong bond, all that stress will finally disappear since i may not be able to handle being friends with u since u have a bf even though its worked out fine to this point (are we friends/are we not friends? Whats she doing now? Uh oh she's hitting me up again for something - should i resent it because she has a bf now? Etc etc)

One of the reasons i got upset was because some of the things you asked me to do were "bf" activities. On the surface, when it comes to picking out cars, tvs, computers, shoulder to lean on, etc thats yours man's job. The reason i was always at the ready in the past to help yoy with all those things because i knew we werent together like that anymore and assumed that u didnt have that type of figure in your life to help you out with things like that. You know my personality better than anyone, i'm a people pleaser. But i also dont like being taken advantage of, and that was my first emotion with all this, even though i know u arent the type of person to do that. Thats why i'm weird about there being a differnece when we're friends and both single and then friends when someone starts up a new relationship. I'm sure u can understand that and i dont know where/how to draw the line on stuff so that we both feel comfortable. Than again, all this is prob too confusing and annoying for you to deal with and youd rather not even bother with it at all at this point anyway.

The hardest thing moving forward is prob losing you as a source of support. For the same reason your asian friend michelle put distance on the relationship, i wanted the exact opposite; i didnt want to lose that for a second. Youre the ONLY person ever in my life that constantly pushed me to get more out of life and to try new things and take a new risk. Although i'm sick to my stomach through stress of my new job, i wouldnt be here without your help. The deep conversations we had, from both sides, was something that i looked forward to more than anything as well.

For some reason i also have a very strong attachment to califronia through you; as if one cant exist without the other. Not really sure why any of that matters, but it will always be a   special place to me and ts weird knowig that i left a "family" there and the piece that no longer makes that possible (you) is with someone else and i have been replaced in that sense. (Not your problem anymore, i get that)

Compund all that with a sort of distance that i've been feeling from you lately and the weird/awkward meetups weve been having these last few weeks, plus the fact that you couldnt just tell me what was going on, PLUS the fact that we should have done this in person and you get where we are at now. I dont know...this all made more sense in my head when i had a 5 hr plane ride to think about it, but i wanted to get it all down on paper and ultimately just let you know that it didnt help that i handled it wrong. I'm sorry and u didnt deserve it that way.
-Sent from my iPhone 4S

My reply....

I attended all girls, college prepatory school and in order to graduate, all seniors had to give a speech in front of the entire school (K-12). It had to be personal, it had to be moving, and it had to really dig deep because it was your final words as a senior. 

Bobby and his mother came to see it. My parents of course were there. It was an intense day for me and I remember it vividly because I don't enjoy being the center of attention. Everytime I get an award, I want to hide behind someone. That type of recognition is the worst for me. So giving a speech inspired by Bobby was paralyzing. Oh and my school was pretty fucking fancy...Bobby's mom showed up in sweatpants. Way to make an impression... So I was clearing out old hardrives the other night when I stumbled across this gem from second semester, 2007. Nothing like being 18 and insecure. Enjoy! (writing isn't the best, but this was 10 years ago so hush!)

My Double Life
I have a confession to make. It is something that I have waited four years to get off my chest. It’s something I have been hiding from everyone at Hillcrest…even my closest friends, and today I have decided to let you in on my secret.
From the outside looking in my life seems like any other 18 year old girl. I attend school everyday, I hangout with friends on the weekends, and I participate in extra curricular activities…nothing strange about any of that. But there is a big part of my life that nobody in Maryland really knows about…I live a double life. You may be wondering, how is it possible to live a double life? What is a double life? My double life is complex and a bit difficult to explain, but I can try my best to make you understand.
I was born and raised in Orange County, California. Majority of my father’s family resides there, and it is a place that has always been close to my heart. Around the age of six I was forced to leave my beloved home and fly off to a cold, desolate place called…Michigan. I lived in Michigan for about five years, and then I decided I needed a change of scenery, so I chose to move in with my father in the beautiful, sunny, immaculate place most commonly known as Ohio. Then, when my Dad decided to take a new job, I ended up on the East Coast with all of you, at Hillcrest. So you might be wondering, so what? How is that a double life? Well, the double life part hasn’t really come into play yet.

Since I moved from California, I have visited every summer for 12 years. During these summers, I spend time with my family and friends. The double life begins to take shape here. My entire family in California is 100% Persian. So these summers aren’t spent like you might imagine. They consist of dozens of immaculate Persian parties. These parties are the essence of my childhood in California. Everyone speaks Farsi and listens to loud foreign music, and dances around while enjoying delicious Persian cuisine. The best part of the parties is my friends and my cousins. In fifth grade I was introduced to a group of Persian girls, from that day on, we were all best friends (bestie#1&#2). The interesting part about our friendship is that they are all four years older than me. But somehow the age difference has never gotten in the way. I look up to these girls for everything, and any free time in the summer is spent with them.

In the summer I am part of an exclusive group of Persian girls, being a part of this group is what I look forward to most about coming back “home”. In California everything about me changes. My fashion, my attitude, my confidence, my friends, and my lifestyle. Back in Maryland, I am a completely different person. I feel that the reason I am so different in each place is because my Maryland life and my California life have never intermixed. Not once has a family member or friend from California come to visit Maryland, and not once has a friend from Maryland come to California. There have always been friends who have wanted to come along, but somehow it never seems to work out. I partially think that this is my fault. I am scared of what might happen if my two worlds meet. Who would I be then? My friend would no longer know who I am if I am immersed in my California world of family and culture. And what if my family and friends came to Maryland? Would they think I was crazy for wearing a polo shirt or a wearing a ribbon in my hair? They don’t know that side of me. The preppy, conservative, private school girl.
I know that one day soon my two lives will meet and I am not sure what to do when that day comes. To tell you the truth, I never really thought about what would happen if my double life came together until a friend harshly said, “Elle, you are only Persian when it’s convenient for you!” These words hurt at the time, until I realized he was right. But that brings me to another point, is it ever really “convenient” to be Persian in today’s society? Especially in the community I live in which lacks diversity in every sense. I am a proud Persian girl when I am in California because I know I can be comfortable with all of my family and friends surrounding me. Many people feel like they truly know me, but do they really? There is a whole other half of me that only comes out for about a month every year, and this is my way of opening up so that my friends at Hillcrest can feel as if they truly know me now.

So Bobby is the one who told me that I was "only Persian when it was convenient for me". What the fuck does that even mean? It's never been "convenient" around him to be Persian. His mom treated me like completed shit becaue I wasn't Irish/Italian/Catholic. What the FUCK does that mean? I guess it's good he married an Irish/Italian/Catholic red-head, that was probably quite "convenient" for him. 

I think I only remember the good parts of Bobby but the more I've uncovered lately, the more I see it wasn't always so rosy. 

Anyways, this goes to show -- somehow being "myself" never seems to be acceptable. Ten years later, looks like not all that much has changed. (Looking at you, Armenian fucks)

xo xo,

​Elle

So I slept on it & decided not to give any portion of that letter to Bobby. I'd already sealed the package so I ripped it apart and replaced the letter with another post-it note. 

I hate giving guys satisfaction after the fact. 

so fuck that. 

I had a brief sentimental moment but that's passed.
​
(so he got a signed band t shirt from our concert days, 2 ties, and a bracelet attached to his original, salty letter from 4/21/08.)

xo xo,
​Elle

 While thinking about all the posts planned for January's throwbacks it made me start to wonder what qualities I'd like in "the guy" and what I wouldn't AND which of my ex's possessed each. 

I've got two tiers of relationships: Super serious & serious but wasn't super, super into 

Super serious: Bobby, Liam, XFactor
(could've wound up married to any of these fellas)
Serious but wasn't super, super into: Babak, Nate
(def. wouldn't have married)

This is a bit of a stream of consciousness post but here we goooooo.

Gimme:
Sense of humor - XF
Sense of style - XF & Liam
Selfless - Bobby, Liam, XF
Adventurous - Nate, Bobby
Successful - Nate, XF
Awesome in bed - Bobby, Arash
Troublemaker - Nate
Cultured - XF
Highly educated: Bobby, XF way more so
Loving/Committed - they all were
Common Interests - Bobby, XF
Sentimental/Romantic - Bobby, Nate, Babak, Liam
Fit/Athletic - Nate

Pass on that:
Insecure - Liam
Overly cocky - Bobby
Can't apologize/admit when wrong - Bobby, Nate
Lacks ambition - Babak, Liam
Doesn't enjoy traveling - Babak, Liam
Momma's boy - Babak, Liam
Picky eater - Liam, Babak, Nate
Racist families - Bobby, Babak, Liam, XF (understand why I'm scared of parents yet?) 
Cheating - Bobby
Lazy with their fitness - Babak, Liam (way too skinny), XF
Unhealthy eater - Liam, Babak, & Bobby sometimes
Pot head tendencies - Nate


Wishing you could order a guy like a pizza but the unicorn pizza man app doesn't exist. ​

xo xo,

Elle

 So I typed out the letter for Bobby and then I decided to cut it in half. 

What did/didn't make the cut: 

-Rightfully returning these ties, a t shirt of his (which I sent him a pic of and said I'd mail), and a new friendship bracelet that is taped on top of the old
-Thanking him for his good advice the other night 
-Left out the I wish it would've been us, a part of me does but the other part of me has enjoyed everything I've gotten to experience with everyone I've dated since so it's not as genuine of a statement as I originally thought 
-The entire paragraph about knowing what's going on in each others lives, was too wordy and it got cut
-Cut -> Asking for the things I wrote to him back in the day back for the book. I don't really even wanna know what I was like back then - it'd be good for the book but I think it'll make me feel bad for being the person I am now aka jaded as fuck and not romantic
-I did mention when I eventually get married how I'd want him there. This is 50% true. I want a really informal wedding that's just two big parties, one on each coast. Nothing over the top or ceremonial and I would like to be friendly enough to invite him as well as the rest of our high school friends that he and I are both still close to. 

I didn't want it to come across as if I live a life of regret. I don't. I am insanely happy with my life right now, I have so much fun and I am healthy + thriving. I've made mistakes, but life didn't put Bobby and I back in each others paths and clearly, there's someone better in store for me. I also didn't want him to think I don't accept his marriage or something. I do. It sucked when Mia and I had to deal with them getting married on the same day but I think a lot of people go through those emotions when a first love moves on. I remember XF would google his X's nuptials all the time. I was using his laptop for work one day and I saw the search history, he'd lurk her fb/wedding website atleast once a month. I think it's kinda just human nature? At first I was upset when I saw it but then I realized that it wasn't a battle worth picking/I'm curious about my ex's too. 

January IS flashback month so for everyone who thinks this is just me living in the past, it's not. It's called reflection. It's called I need material and I don't want to go on 10,000 dates this month. Mia and I have a tropical trip coming up in February and alllll the dates = all the drinking, I'd rather save the cocktails for times I know I'll be having fun.

Secondly, this is a blog about my dating life and these flashbacks go back to the beginning of me becoming a "serial dater". Sure, I miss aspects of every person I've dated, I miss alot about Bobby, alot about Nate, and a lot about Liam but as you go through life you look at people and think of things you loved. You hope at the end, when you settle down with someone that said person possess alot of the good traits you've found along the way and hopefully not many of the bad ones you determined you didn't like. I write about the past because it made me who I am AND sometimes the tinder toads just aren't enough. 

Dating is a process of elimination. You only end up with one person and if you're me, you've dated about 10 million of them before finally sticking with one so there are ALOT of stories left to be told. 

To reitirate, this blog would be boring as fuck if I had a serious boyfriend and ALL I had to write about was him. Eventually, that will occur and other people will take the writing reigns and I'll be left with flashback posts and funny stories. I'm not going to chronicle my entire next relationship on here because I want to give it a chance to suceed and not be overanalyzed to death. 

So to everyone who is already sick of flashback month, apologies. If you wanna go date some toads and send in stories, I'd be HAPPY to post them. :) 

xo xo,

Elle

(This won't make sense unless you read the post prior, Stranger Things) 
That first photo I stumbled across was taken at my dad's company Christmas party. Bobby and I had just started offically dating about a week prior. So when I saw this photo, it really took me back to a happy place. 

Before I know it, I am grabbing my phone, taking a picture of the picture and DM'ing it to Bobby on instagram at 12:14am. 

Friends who knew me back in the day, don't let your jaw hit the floor too hard. 

E: (Photo of us looking really cute) "organizing old pics and damn, we were babies. hilarious to look back at"
B: "where did you find that?!"
E: "my old,old,old hardrive from college that I am merging into iphoto, its a ten year project, so many memories!" (attach another pic)
B: "seems like lifetimes ago! crazy."
E: (photo) "lots of gems haha"
B: "haha"

E: "I'm also curious how the hell I was ever THAT skinny. Any ideas? gimme some tips" (attach pic of me wearing a bandana as a shirt)
B: "no idea, me too haha - comes with being 18/19 I think. That outfit was prob one of the more ridiculous ones - things people not in college would never wear"
E: "omg there's so many! i am in shock at how poorly i dressed, its astounding."
B: "seemed appropriate at the time!"

E: (attachs photo kissing bobby, wearing a jean skirt w/ my thong showing) what the hell was that? I am dying. I remember you feeding me gatorade and easy mac, so idk how I was thin"
B: "the fade on the skirt is one thing haha, but year the thong above the skirt, that's something else. Clearly we were too busy to care"
E: "it baffles my mind" (attachs photo from prom dress shopping in LA with him) I happily wore that to my 27th birthday, so finally some dual usage. But seriously - so many funny photos. I'm glad we documented everything even before iphones existed. It all makes me laugh and smile way too hard." (attaches photo of Bobby next to a blue car) "do you remember this cars name?"
B: "Obviously! I still think "shitty" whenever I see that model car"
E: "Idk how we managed anything we did. No one rents cars at that age, no one has multiple fake ids, stays in hotels and literallys does anything/everything they want. we were such trouble"
B: "it was the best."

E: (attaches photo from prom when we won best dressed) "best dressed award goes to...."
B: "it was - and that outline pairing was pretty great - only outclassed by the following year with the custom tie made from your Prada dress."
1am - E: "Are you back east? Sorry if so, I know it's late, I figured you are 3 hours behind in Cali."
B: "yea, I'm east for the holidays, based on that I take it you're in OC?"
E: "I am in DC, insomnia. I do this photo thing when I can't sleep"
B: "Still dealing with that? Sorry, that stinks."
E: "Not always - just sometimes. Hard to shut my mind off"

(attachs photo dressed in Bobbys clothes) "omg you gave me your clothes for boy day and I think you were dating Cat haha"
B: "I think I forgot about Cat haha"
E: "Good, that was always my plan ;)"
B: "Back when you pretended not to like me and set me up with your friends only to get jealous about it"
E: "I liked you. You friendzoned me because you were scared what your parents would think. Remember you'd sneak into my basement? Idk how we ever left the friendzone to be honest. I know it was xyz's house but idk what made that finally happen."
B: "There was an element of that for sure, it wasn't that straightforward I don't think. Hmmm yea, I'm not sure either, but I was always attracted to you - I think at first I thought you genuinely wanted to be friends with someone in the neighborhood. Teenage boys aren't that smart you know...."
E: "I'd invite you over to tutor me in something I didn't need help with and then we'd makeout on my couch forever but hey, I didn't like you lol"
B: "Fair. In retrospect of course it's obvious"

E: "It was then too. Strategy has always been my strongest suit. But somehow that night at xyz's it just happened. In his poor parents bed, haha he was so pissed. That was like, a year later? In retrospect, it's good we were actual best friends first. Made things way more fun when we finally did the damn thing." 
B: "That was so crazy - I still feel bad for him for that but of course don't regret it at all. And agreed, being friends first made it more fun (and real) when we did get together. 
E: "We definitely did the whole first love thing right."
B: "Couldn't have asked for better."
E: "I am sorry for being an idiot, I didn't know any better. But I will say I think the majority of our chapters were good ones. And I am so glad you found your "person" you deserved it 10000%"
B: "Well that's the closest thing resembling anything close to recognition or an apology I've ever heard, so I'll take it. Agreed that the majority was the best and without any regrets at all." 
E: "HEY! I apologized last Christmas over the phone and we talked for a long time, don't go forgetting that. And I'd say it in person if I saw you. I mean it. You were the best first boyfriend and I've never had a better adventure since. I keep searching and I can't seem to settle down."
B: "Heart emoji"

E: "I'll blame you for me not being able to settle down. How'd you know Jello was the right person? I'm always second guessing. I've almost been engaged twice and i just freak out. Idk how someone "knows""
B: "Not sure if I should accept that blame or not, but I can take it if you want...you were the best first love though, seriously, it was quite a ride and regardless of anything I remember it with fondness."
E: "You were the best too. Best friend, best adventurer, partier, lover, supporter and other half. Idk how I would've survived without you back then. We did it ALL together. You and I were always magnets. Even when broken up, we couldn't stay away and I kinda want that in whomever I marry. But I haven't found it since...I loved that about us. I always had butterflies before I saw you. Even when "I hated you". (Don't judge me for saying that)
B: "No judgment at all, I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel the same way back then. And that absolutely should be something you find in someone you marry."
E: "Yeah, I don't think most people have that."
B: "Agree - and I think sometimes it either is because they can't get out of their own way to let it happen, or sometimes it just isn't there and they are forcing it. But those years, that time in our lives, it's not going to feel exactly the same happening 5-8 years later, your approach and perspective on the world isn't the same."
E: "Yeah, innocence is gone. You don't need a person now like you thought you did then"
​
B: "and that part, that's something that those people who are high school sweethearts that end up married, they will always have that on the rest of us"
E: "Yeah, I guess I need to let go of that feeling. Can't replicate it now. I always thought it'd be us. A few others told me the same after your wedding. It was weird for it to not be Bobby and Elle. Not in a bad way, I mean we deviated and it was inevitable but it was funny to hear they all always expected us to make it. Since obv. no one else did"
B: "At the time maybe you didn't - but I thought we had a shot at it. I could have seen myself marrying you"

Last night someone asked me for a photo. In order to find it, I had to find my old pink external harrdrive that chronicles my youth in photo form. 

I've got a weird thing...When I can't sleep (my mind is always racing, it's very hard for me to fall asleep) I organize photos from the past in iphoto. Seems uselessly tedious, but it's become a habit. All of my friends from high school know when I haven't slept because they awake to snapchats of hilarious moments from the younger years. (Mia & Zoe you can thank me later) ;)

So last night I got started on this pink harddrive and came across one of the first photos I took with my first serious boyfriend/first love, dickhead #1. Because this is a very LONG story, he is going to be given a name so I don't have to keep typing dickhead over and over and over again. 

Meet Bobby. (again)
He is half Irish, half Italian, 6ft1, reddish-brown hair, had the worst acne in the world back in the day, was very outdoorsy (eagle scout shit), avid skiier like myself, life of the party and probably the best overrall boyfriend I have ever had. (That's a bold statement considering he cheated on me my freshman year of college.)

I met Bobby my Sophomore year of high school, his junior year. I'd move to the East Coast the year prior for prep school and I hadn't made many friends. Thennnnn, my parents decided it'd be fun to buy a giant house in the burbs where I knew zero people. Thennn we lose one of our cats in the burbs where we know zero people. So I tell my bestfriend Zoe about the cat thing. She introduces me to Bobby whom she knew through friends and he happens to live down the street from me. I think we wound up meeting at the State Fair for the first time. (Zoe, fact check me) 

So as any true friendship begins in 2004, we added each other on AIM. He'd come to my neighborhood to help me look for the cat and we just kinda hit it off. He was my only friend in my new area and I really liked him from the second I met him (acne and all). In a ploy to spend more time with him, I asked him to help with science, told my dad Bobby was going to tutor me and then we'd just make out on my couch in the basement for hours. (No, I didn't actually need any tutoring)

On nights when my dad wouldn't let Bobby come over, he'd sneak in through the basement window or the back porch door. We always found a way to hangout (4-5x a week). Finally, Bobby asked me to his ring dance. I was so excited that we were taking the first steps towards actually dating. It was weird, this was our first time in a social setting together. Our whole friendship revolved in my basement. I'd never stepped foot in his house, met his family, or any of his friends. Ring dance was a big deal. 

So we do the dance and a few days later, (in my basement of course) I ask him why we aren't dating. I probably wasn't that forward, (Zoe can tell the story better than me because I know I was petrified to bring it up and she constantly pushed me to do so.) He gave me some b/s reasoning as to why we should just stay friends (I later found out in an emotional admission, he was scared what his parents would think of him dating a Persian girl). Fitting, considering once we finally did end up dating -  his mother was the absolute worst to me and I did EVERYTHING I could to appease her. He was correct to worry, she made my life hell as often as possible. But really? Is being Persian that big of a deal to Irish/Italian Catholic people? We live in the same neighborhood, I attend the best prep school in the city, my house is enorme, my dad has a great job, what is the issue? Well, this has been the theme of my entire adult dating life and is why I am petrified of parents at the age of 28. It never seems to endddddd. More on that later though. 

So we stay friends. Eventually becoming best friends. I start to meet new people, he starts to get closer with the Lacrosse team, and one night he suggests I throw a party. My dad is out of town for the weekend so I do it. He invites his friends, I invite mine and before you know it, we are the party throwing duo of the city. Except he meets one of my frenemies who attends my high school (we both went to same-sex high schools) anddddd they wind up dating. 

Wha? You're not supposed to date the 6ft blonde girl who looks like a quarterback! You are supposed to date the cute, 5'5, persian girl who has been in love with you all along. WHAAAA? Jealousy ensues. 

Before I know it, he is spending all of his time sneaking into Cat's house and rarely has time for me. I end up dating someone else and once a week or so I'd see Bobby. I remember sitting in the trunk of my Ford Explorer having ice cream with him talking about my new boyfriend. He wasn't sold on my beau and kept interrogating me about it. What did it matter, he was dating Cat and no longer had much time for me. 

Then Cat dumped him. He was pretty upset about it because what guy enjoys being dumped (egomaniacs) and I was there to console him. I think that was when the tides started to turn. He once again had time for me and finally started to notice I was much prettier than Cat. I broke up with the guy I was seeing right before a party at Bobby's bestfriends house. My fella lived far away and it just wasn't worth it anymore (I probably only dated him to make Bobby jealous, but I can't remember the details because he was so unimportant)

SO that night at Bobby's friends, everything changed. Alcohol had been involved but FINALLY Bobby fessed up and said he wanted to date me. I could not have been more excited. We'd both already lost our V cards to other people but that same night we decided to be official, we also had sex and it was insane. 

It was crazy how everything just felt so, so, so, right. I guess being best friends really helped push it along. I was already in love with him by the time we made it official and things just went full speed ahead. He was the best. We celebrated every months anniversary, he'd leave love notes on my car during his lunch break or after lax practice, we'd sneak out every night to see each other, he always bought me flowers, and I was his #1 priority. We did EVERYTHING together. Our friend groups meshed into one and that led to me being known as the party girl of the city because my dad traveled often and I had a giant house. I missed Bobby when he wasn't around, and when we fought, I could never stay mad, he was EVERYTHING. I felt like I'd die if I didn't have him. 

We were different than most high school couples. We made our decisions together, we took trips together, we broke every rule we could together, and we always stuck together. We never did the whole break up and get back thing. It was always 10000 percent on. He was extremely territorial, any guy who came near me knew to stay 100 feet away or Bobby would kill them. It was intense and I loved every second of it. 

When it came time for him to go to college, I was devastated and had 1 year left of highschool. Thankfully, he chose a school 2 hours away from home so every single weekend, I'd drive to visit him. For my 18th birthday he showed up at my door, unnannounced with a box. Inside the box is my amazing tuxedo cat that I can't live without now. The best gift I've ever received, still to this day. (My cat is also my last remnant of the Bobby era.)
Looking back, who in the world wants their girlfriend on campus every weekend? He was a saint. I was terrible at drinking, even back then and when we'd go out, I'd inevitably be way too drunk and he'd carry me home over his shoulders, my heels in his hand, put me in bed and feed me easy mac and gatorade before I fell asleep. This happened every single weekend. Mind you, I've never been skinnier than I was back then...someone explain that bullshit. (easy mac, gatorade, smirnoff ice diet?) 

His racist mom situation, let's discuss that for a second. He NEVER let her get away with it. If she didn't invite me to dinner, he wouldn't eat with them. If she was being a bitch about something, he'd call her out on it, he always stood up for me with her. Makes me wonder why it was so hard for XF to do the same when it was so easy back then for a 16 year old.... 

So now it's time for me to go to college...He went college touring with me to every single place I wanted to look. I applied to 40 schools across the USA and while it broke his heart to imagine me in San Francisco, he never held me back (even though I really couldn't fathom going THAT far away). I applied early decision to his college and didn't get in so we knew early on that we wouldn't get to do college together. Finally, I chose a school (10 hours from his) and he drove with my parents 8 hours each way to move me into my dorm. I'll never forget that day...it's a pretty good one, so I'm going to explain it.