I don't think that will ever get old. 

PS Antonio, are you reading?
We took bets on it last night (he claims he never will read again but will listen to the podcast) and everyone bet there is a 100% chance that he still reads the blog, religiously.
(Who has the self control not to? I mean cmon now, lets be real.)

Guess we'll never know!

Happy Friday peeps.

xo xo,

Elle

I am clearing the roster. 

I've had a lot of fun in 2017 but its about to be Persian New Year and that means, a fresh start. 

SO I am trimming the fat and cutting out what isn't serving me. 

First on the chopping block: Antonio. 

He mentioned me being a second choice yesterday and apologized for it. 

After further consideration, ummmm fuck all of that. Have fun being bored and basic with your ex, hope we can stay friends, adios amigo. 

I do really want to see him again but I know if I do that...

1. I'll feel kind of used because we will hook up and then a few days later he will likely take back his ex 
2. I didn't see him all of February so why start the feelings/fire up again when I have already established distance? 
3. The sex with Rami was mind boggling good so I am ending February on a really high note as it is (in that department) 

So I wrote a text and sent it. Here ya go. 

So I woke up today remembering that deep down, I am Elle and thus, i am nobodys second choice. The writing on the wall is you taking back the ex and I wish you the best of luck with that. I will admit I like you and could've seen us having a good time being more than just fuck buddies (but was totally fine with things as they were) but regardless, I hope we can actually stay friends vs just saying that we will once you make this official again. You have a boat (and I always want a tan)

His reply: 
"Good for you. It's not how I planned it and really appreciate your advice and understanding. You're beautiful and awesome, Elle. I'm sorry that I couldn't get my act together. I hope to soon. Patent attorneys...just stay away ;) "

At the end of the day, it really is his loss. He will feel that in due time when he's having sex with ex and thinking about me. Oh and I am a total bitch but I stalked her on fb (he and I are friends now) and I'm way hotter. Sorry not sorrrrrrrry. ;)  

So there's one less thing to think about. 

It's been fun Antonio, thanks for the laughs. 

xo xo,

​Elle

 Flashing back to August 10th 2016. 

When I DUMPED XF and actually meant it.
PS Happy five months of singleness to meeeee! It sure has been fun.

First times for everything, ya'll.
(meaning it/sticking with it & dumping someone via text) oh and he never did try to call me after that last text that day...pretttttty awesome.

PS it was never about getting that gorgeous ring on my finger and being able to instagram, "OMG ENGAGED TO MY BESTIE!!!" 1. he isn't my bestfriend and I'm not that fucking basic (no boyfriend/husband ever will be, my gf's take that place in my heart so to all you bitches who call your fella your BFF, stop lying to yourself and stop fucking captioning shit with that, its annoying) 2. it wasn't because everyone else was getting engaged except me -- it was, I've dedicated 2 years and 2 months to you. I promised 2 years at day one and then I gave you more time. Get on the train or get the fuck out of the way. Enough is enough. 3. my horoscope that day was INSANELY on point, silence is what brought him running back, at full speed, two months later on my birthday. Oh universe, I know I can't fuck with you.  

​Happppppy throwback Thursday. 
xo xo,

​Elle

Last night XF kept facetiming and I kept getting annoyed...

Here's a few exceprts from our texts that followed...Sigh.
​Why is the timing all wrong? :(

Where did we leave off...Ah yes, the emails.

After the email exchange we went back to living together...She pretended nothing ever happened and I felt constantly uncomfortable. I left for two weeks to California with Liam and while we were there he asked me to move in with him. Mind you, we had only been dating for 2-3 months at this juncture...I said yes (bad moves but living with Eve SUCKED). When I got back to DC I told Eve I was moving out as of October 1... I posted an ad on craigslist and told her I'd coordinate finding my replacement. 

A few weeks of interviewing different folks and I finally found the perfect roommate. She was from Ohio, liked all the same sports teams as Eve and they got along famously. 

I moved out and Eve became best friends with Meg, her new roommate. I'd watch their antics from Annapolis via facebook. Eve was constantly putting on a show and I was pretty jealous/hurt. When my birthday rolled around the following year she planned a Vegas trip and had no intention of celebrating with me. This was a final straw for us...I moved mountains to make sure her birthday was fantastic the year before and if she was actually sorry, shouldn't being here for my party be on her radar? Shouldn't she be busting ass to get our friendship back on track?

Fast forward - 
Eventually things faded and we stopped speaking altogether. Liam and I broke up and I moved back to DC. 

That's when backstab #2 occurred.
I had started dating someone new and had posted photos of us on instagram. Eve took it upon herself to text Liam out of the clear blue (hadn't spoke to him in roughly 2 years) to ask if he'd met my new boyfriend. 

Liam: "Elle and I are still very close, I'd know if she had a new boyfriend."

Eve: "Guess you haven't looked at her instagram lately..."
​(such a gossip girl move, UGH)

Liam FREAKED out. I had jumped into this rebound relationship REALLY quickly after we ended (best sex of my life) and I hadn't told him...we'd promised if we dated someone important that we'd tell each other first vs finding out via facebook, etc. 

My new relationship was NOT serious. I saw the guy 1x or 2x a week and I definitely was not in love with him. I didn't NEED to tell Liam yet. Anyways, this news led to war & heartbreak between Liam and I. He HATED me. Thanks for that Eve, you jealous, psychotic, POS.

Fast forward to Cinco De Mayo of the same year. I'd just finished dinner with my new beau when I received a call from Mia...

Mia: "Elle, I need to tell you something...Eve told everyone the reason you two are no longer friends is because you owe her thousands of dollars in back rent." 

Elle: "Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!!!!!! Who has she said that to?!"

Mia tells me everything and I L O S E my shit. I start crying because this is so low, even for Eve. How did I trust this girl with my life?! She is running around defaming me and people are ACTUALLY believing it?! 

I call Eve on repeat. I mean maybe 100+ times. NO answer. I leave her a scathing voicemail and bombard her with texts. 

The next day I get a reply, "Elle, that is false, I never said that. Must be a misunderstanding."

Elle: "Eve, if you don't call every fucking person you told this to, ALL your past indiscretions will be on blast and you know I have more dirt on you than ANYONE. FIX THIS AND FIX IT NOW."

Eve: "Elle, you wouldn't...."

Elle: "Eve, you should know better than anyone that crossing me is a bad, bad move. Goodbye."

AND that ladies and gents is how we officially broke up. I haven't heard from her since and neither has anyone else.

Writing this story brings me back to some very negative emotions...I still haven't found someone I can be as close to as Eve...I have a lot of very wonderful, close friends but comes close to the level we were on. She knew my darkest secrets, she witnessed my happiest moments, she was there through it all. 

Sad how people really can change...

Lastly, here's a video on losing your BFF.

Worst break-up EVER.

xo xo,

Elle

Remember how I won back my HS ex with that scavenger hunt? 

Wellllllllllll....

Here's how I lost him again, all in one summer. 

After winning him back we resumed life as the dynamic duo everyone knew and loved. We planned parties, went to dinner, had sex, he slept over all the time, it was great. I really missed him. He was my true love, I couldn't seem to get over him despite how nice my college boyfriend was. 

Being the serial dater that I am I still kept in close touch with my college ex. We had decided to take a summer break from the relationship but we still spoke on the phone daily. 

Towards the end of the summer he decided he wanted to come see what the East Coast was all about...aka he was coming to visit. 

FUCK.

We are under six weeks away from Sophomore year starting...my apartment is literally next door to his...I plan to pick things back up where we left on when we get back on campus...I can't say no to him visiting, this could fuck up the next three years of my life. 

What do I do? 
Plan a giant party so he can meet all of my friends and understand my world.

Well Elle...you can't throw a giant party when your HS Ex/current boyfriend lives down the street and has all the same friends as you without inviting him. 

This is where my inner Blair Waldorf starts to shine.

​I take dickhead to dinner, explain that my college ex (the guy I rebounded with after HS ex cheated) has decided to visit and that he doesn't know I am back with dickhead because I didn't want the drama.

Dickhead is livid. "Are you fucking kidding me Elle? You expect me to be at a party, at your house, with all of our friends, and your college boyfriend who is sleeping at your place all weekend? You've officially lost your damn mind, fuck you."

I plead with him that after the weekend ends, I am ending things completely with college ex. I just need dickhead to behave for ONE night and that's it. 

​What could possibly go wrong? 

Once upon a time my ex boyfriend that I lived with planned a trip to Boston for a birthday guys weekend...That's dandy and great until I find out his friend's girlfriend is going & I wasn't fucking invited. Welcome to the beginning of the end of Liam.

Warning - this email is INSANELY long, poorly written & repetitive. Oh the immaturity of 2012. Yikessss.

Dear Liam,

I have so much to say and I don't even know where to begin... First off, my frustration stems from my feelings being hurt and your disregard of my point of view.

You were so mean to me on Friday morning, you called me a bitch and after I sent you a very mature text trying to help you see where I was coming from you proceeded to wait hours to respond, basically to say I needed time away from you which is why my last minute invitations were very non-genuine, of course I knew when you said I could come on Sunday that it wasn't something you actually meant. I don’t blame you for wanting time away with your friend, I really supported the entire thing until I find out Kate is coming too. Now it's everyone having fun in Boston and the only person left out is me? How do you expect me to feel? I tell you we should agree not to talk as a test to see if you actually don’t want to speak to me for an entire weekend...we talk many times a day and I felt this would be a good testament of how you felt towards me. After being called a bitch, I really was shocked and had no idea where you stood...

what I get is a drunken call at 2am after you post a photo with Kate. What a slap in the face. I don’t warrant a legitimate call for anything prior to you being drunk? And don’t even try to tell me you weren’t--I could see it in the photo and hear it in your voice. Sadly I was very happy to see a call at all. Pathetic me.

I have truly tried to think about why this gets to me so much... part of it is feeling left out but the other part is something much bigger.

I feel as if I am always the one making things happen. I create our plans, I pay and plan for us to go to Florida, I invite you to California for vacation, I try and pay as often as I can when we go out for drinks or dinner because I feel bad having you pay. What I realized is I really don’t like this situation at all. In the beginning maybe you were trying to impress me but nothing was like this. This is not what I signed up for. And these issues, reflect the degradation of my sex drive towards you...I finally figured out what was a major cause. 

So you going to do something fun, a whole weekend away just hurts when I am not even a part of it because you never plan stuff like this for us to do. I know mike paid for this and what not but its the bigger picture of it all...why cant you make the effort to plan something special for us together? Something out of the ordinary?? I told you back before Florida what I NEEDED from you was an entire weekend planned and paid for by you. I wanted no details except what to pack. And you then came to me saying you couldn’t afford it and you were sorry. That leaves me in a bad position because the thing I truly needed to see from you, this effort and ingenuity you bailed on...so what do I do? I take control of the situation and make it happen anyway. If you can’t pay for it, I will kind of thing. I don’t want you to pay me back or anything, that is not what this is about at all but I realize now that planning that trip myself was a huge mistake. I took the reigns when I should have just let it all be.... our lives could have continued to be completely mundane.

Back on subject though... I need you to understand why I am so upset with you about this weekend, and if you cant see it from my point of view then I guess we really have nothing left to talk about... not to mention you said Kate was leaving Saturday when clearly your obnoxious Facebook check-ins every 4 minutes tell me she is still there. It’d be one thing if it were you 3 in ocean city, a place I despise but when it’s a new, fun adventure in Boston -- I am upset. I feel like, of course he's finally doing something fun and different and he doesn’t want me to be a part of any of it. 

The right thing to do would have been....
tell me when you found out Kate was going, not "forget" and let me find out on my own.
Then offer to purchase my flight for me to come with you guys so it could be a weekend of fun all together now that she was part of the mix too.
Even my mother thinks this; she is so shocked at how horribly you’ve treated me this weekend. She has seen your Facebook displays and everyone keeps asking, why aren’t you there too? 

Part 2: (written after our convo) 

Gossip girl here, your source into the scandalous lives of DC's elite.

I kid, I kid. 
But the remainder of this story does seem eerily similar to a Gossip Girl story line except Eve and Elle don't make-up at the end like Serena and Blair always do.

So we are living together and enjoying life. I had just ended things with Jack, a guy I'd been seeing during my DC semester. He was from DC originally and had a gigantic group of friends. I didn't have any DC friends yet so it was great to date him and instantly have a social life. We'd go clubbing pretty much every weekend and often, Eve would drive down from Baltimore and join us. 

Finally, I'd had enough with Jack and called it quits. He was flakey and I just woke up one day and was really over being treated like a doormat. It was Jack's sister's birthday and I invited a friend from Cairo who I proceeded to make out with the entire night, thus sending a clear signal to Jack that this love affair was O V E R. Eve was so mad I ended it with Jack. She really liked this group we'd joined and knew that our club life was over if I walked away from him. 

The night I ended things with this Jack is the same night I drunk texted Liam (bf I lived with and almost married). I'd met Liam when Jack was out of the country for two weeks. Eve and I decided to go clubbing on our own and that night was my turn to get us in the VIP area. 

I walked up to this guy in VIP, tapped him on the shoulder and yelled over the DJ, "HEY we are on this side of the rope but we are used to being on that side, can we join you?!" The guy was elated and happily let us crash his party. Then I spot Liam. Tall as hell, dark hair, bright blue eyes, great smile, perfectly dressed. Whoaaaa. I get timid and keep talking to the short, fat guy I tapped to let us table crash. Finally, Eve who had set her sights on Liam's brother Tod grabs me away from short dude and pushes me into Liam, "dance with him!!!" 

We proceed to dance the night away, smiling, kissing, laughing. At the end of the night Liam says, "you're so cute and tiny, I just want to put you in my pocket and take you home." LOL Whaaaaaa!? We exchange numbers and I never expect to hear from him again. 

(Long story short we went on a date, he was shy as f, didn't talk until I drunk texted him the night I dumped Jack) 

So I break it off with Jack, text Liam, make plans to see him the next night and before you know it, I am dating the love of my life and am blissfully in love. It literally happened over night. I go from one really hot guy (Jack) to an even hotter guy who is a charming gentleman. 

Looking back, I can see why Eve was so jealous but it still doesn't excuse what happens next....

It was fun while it lasted but we hit the limit and it's pretttty much over.

I can only handle the misuse of your and you're so many times. 

He hit 5x too many.

Ah, and today he texted me, "its reigning." 
FML. You mean, raining...
I waited for him to quickly correct himself, it never happened. 
SEND HELP.

All grammar aside, that isn't why I decided to call it quits. 

I am typically the one to instigate seeing him. This past week, I decided I wasn't going to make a plan/invite him over and see if he took the REIGNS. (get it?)

He didn't.
Until about 7pm Thursday night when I already had plans. 

Friday he came to my Halloween hangout and before I knew it, I blurted out that I'd met someone I'd like to give a chance to and before it got tricky, I wanted us to be just friends. 

Jake: "But, but, but, what about chemistry? Do you have that with him?"

(Thinking about my fictional new man)

Elle: "Not like I do with you but you need chemistry + timing and we don't have the timing. It's fine you don't want what I want right now...but I know what I need and it's not you."

Jake: "I mean, are you sure?" 

Elle: "Yea, I want to be upfront now so you don't accuse me of "big timing" you again...We have a lot in common and I want to stay friends, 100%." 

Jake: "Just come here, kiss me."

Sigh.

To be really honest - I am not sure what hit me on Friday but I just knew I was done with this. 

He's nice, the sex is good but I feel 0 things towards him right now...Maybe it was the week off that did it? 

As Drake says, "my ex asked me where I'm moving, I said onto better things." 

xo,

Elle​

We are missing the opportunity to live blog/tweet 

GROOMZILLA'S NUPTIALS TODAY! 

I'm kindaaaa at the point where I don't give a fuck and could easily post some of the corny ass things that will surely be popping up all weekend on my newsfeed and insta (aka giving away their identities)...

Yeah, actually - consider that done.

Since I can't be there to witness this disgusting shit show and entertain you with it, I will def keep up with their social media, I am doing this for YOU my loyal readers.  

Get excited for a weekend of gag worthy, groomzilla-ness.

PS XFactor had gained so much weight his suit for this didn't fit when I dumped him in August, wonder if the breakup helped aid him in getting slim or if he had to buy a new suit? 

Hmmmm....

Probably still fat.

xo,

Elle

Sigh.

I have made it quite clear to Cyrus that I like him. Not in a clingy/psycho way -- but it's out there. 

I texted him Saturday night, "wish you were coming dancing with me ;)"

Sunday 11:30am reply: "Can you light up a dancefloor?"

The rest - useless chatter about nothing important. 

Since? Absafuckinglutely nothing. Not a word.

Normally, I wouldn't mind initiating but as clearly stated in the book/movie "He's Just Not That Into You" - if a guy wants to see you, he will. If a guy wants to talk to you, he will. 

Sooooooo the writing is on the wall. He's not too busy with work or hockey to send a text, there is zero excuse in the tech age to not stay in touch...which meanssssss, he's just not that into me. 

Womp, womp, womp, womppppppp. :(

I guess my first tinder date back on the scene was too good to be true. I just wish I knew where I went wrong/if it's the girl he slept with while I was away that stole my thunder. Sadly, there is no way to know so I just gotta get the fuck over it. 

I've seen Jake everyday, he took me out for ice cream on Tuesday (& he paid) and yesterday I ran over there for a quick sexual rendezvous before going out...the sex is better every single time...I asked him if it was this good last summer and he agreed it wasn't. "Why do think it's so good now?" Him: "Because I lost you and now I have you again and it makes me appreciate it all a lot more." Awwwwwww. I know we are discussing sex but hey, that was sweet. 

Last night - had a fancy work even with Mia, we set up a tinder group date for after and these idiots bailed. Which was SUPER annoying/severely pissed me off. In Cali, groupers on weeknights were so easy -- in DC, all these guys are so self important they can't commit to a goddamn plan. Not cool toads, not cool. 

We had been drinking aggressively...free champagne is not something we take lightly so by the time I got home, I was pretty buzzed. 

I crawled into bed and just felt sad. Not because of these toads cancelling on us but because of XFactor. 

I laid there sobbing for what felt like hours and finally passed out...

Why is he still making me sad? Why, why, why, why. 

Ugh, maybe more on that another time...not in the mood to type about it. 

I also cancelled tonights date with Ram (Kayne West date) - just not in the mood to fake it today. I'm exhausted and stupidly sad about Cyrus. 

Sorry to be such a ray of sunshine today - I'm sure all this positivity is exactly what you stopped by for. But hey, this is real talk, real life and real, stupid emotion. 

Hopefully this weekend we can get back on track with slaying all day.

xo

Elle

Well, it's been an interesting 24 hours...
I got this gut feeling, similar to the one I had August 10th when I ended it with XF...I felt there was more to the story as to why he wasn't proposing, besides his fucktard parents. 
So I called him. 
No answer...really? 
I know I've been a bitch but you're honestly going to ignore me? 

No, no, no, no ya don't. 
I text him, we need to talk - I am finally ready. 
He says, "what's the agenda Elle? There always is one."
"No agenda, XF."
"So you honestly just want to chat and catch up?"
"Something like that..."

He calls. 
We of course get into it...Me - how the fuck have you not contacted me? WTF is wrong with you? Aren't you upset? Don't you want me back!?

Him - WTF is all this bullshit everyone keeps reporting to me on social media, WTF Elle you're fucking with me and it's shady and it makes me not want to speak to you.

I try to defend myself, I do a terrible job, he keeps telling me that he 100000% would have proposed when he felt ready...DUDE, WHEN THE FUCK WAS THAT EVER GOING TO BE? Enough is enouggggghhhh.

We hang up and start texting. The mood lightens a bit. 

Mind you, I didn't reach out to rekindle. In past situations - that was typically my goal but this time...I know I really can't. I owe it to myself to really focus on myself and not settle. Even though he's going to be incredibly successful, it was still settling.

So this morning on facebook I see a photo of him with a coworker...she is a painter and she painted a portrait of him...a photo I took of him and sent to her...I text him to let him know it's a great photo, nice to see it. He replies, we are OK...

Then I do my daily ritual of reading my horoscope...now that it's September, I get the big kahuna month long one...It's of course insanely accurate and all the sudden I feel compelled to email him. You read that below, if you haven't go do so. 

Let's diagnose his reply...
1. He is accepting that I am moving on, still not trying to get me back...what? 
2. He knows me well....I always have an agenda when it comes to dating. There is always a strategy and for damn good reason...there NEEDS to be. 
3. It's nice to know he won't be dead to me and if I need him, he'll be there...I don't plan on "needing" anyone for awhile but it's a nice sentiment...
4. How the fuck am I going to handle when he finds someone else? If she's not Armenian....MAN, it's gonna suck. PLEASE God let me move on first...Put the guy I am going to marry in my path, PLEASE. I am so sick of molding the perfect guy just so he will end up with the bitch after me. 
5. Now I really am free to move on....HOLY SHIT that's insane. 

So right now, that's what is going through my mind...I am excited to be able to stop torturing him by making an idiot of myself on snapchat, that served its purpose and now I can go back to living without caring who is watching. 

Sigh. Back to DC tomorrow night...Z planned a date for Tuesday, he's still perfect. Jake will see me whenever, nada from Cyrus. 

xo xo,
​Elle

​#1 - *Jimmy Choo shoes that meowed... now that that is taken care of

I've always told you that you were the best thing that has ever happened to me. You're the most amazing person I've every met and like you said, we really did become best friends. There isn't a better match for me out there which is why I always tell you everything from now on will just be settling. 

Of course I knew what your antics were all about with posting all that you did on social media. You're a person of agendas (hence my questioning you yesterday before we spoke) and you smartly always have a reason for doing the things you do. You're incredibly intelligent and that's one of the things I find most attractive about you. What upset me about your posts wasn't the content of your posts... but it was the publicizing our relationship. Out of respect to both of us, some things are better kept between us.  

As I've continually told you, I don't/can't hate you. I love you too much for that. I will ALWAYS support you in what you do in life. I will ALWAYS be there for you if you ever need anything. I will ALWAYS offer my advice to you if you seek it. I don't want to lose you either. 

I love you.

There are so many things that come into my mind after reading this...but now isn't the time to discuss them. Stay tuned for the next post...
Elle

Jake just left, I am wide awake so might as well dive right in while it's all fresh.

So we covered me making a fool of myself to Cyrus, Arash's sexual comment, lunch date with Jake, bailing on Jake later for Cyrus, and here we are at today. 

I go to work completely wasted. I know, not professional whatsoever but my clients just got back from Italy and I really need to be there so I am doing what I must...the whole morning I am willing myself not to throw up, giggling constantly at things that aren't that funny, and my focus is completely gone. It was ROUGH. 

Around 11am, I think it'll be a good idea to text XF.... (turns out, drunken Elle was finally doing something right) 

Me: I can't decide whether we should be friends or not, it seems weird to not have you in my life at all
XF: I can't even process that right now, I am not in the mental state
Me: Do you blame yourself for this or are you blaming me?
XF: I could never blame you, I love you too much. I hate all of this. 
Me: Will you honestly tell me what was holding you back?

Basically - he finally admits that he's been lying to my goddamn face about getting engaged. Sure, his intention was there but OF COURSE WE ARE STILL WAITING FOR THE ARMENIAN MAFIA TO DROP DEAD BEFORE WE CAN START LIVING. OF FUCKING COURSE YOU PANZY ASS MOFO, I HATE YOU. 

I knew in my gut that was what was going on...I chose to deny the facts to myself which led me to always feeling a little empty inside...(shits about to get deep real fast so watch out ya'll) 

So the texts continue, I tell him fuck him for lying to my face...and I end it with...
Me: And you know what? You're a liar and you never deserved me. You are signing up for a lifetime of sadness...it's not just me being upset you lied to my face for so long - it's sad to watch you destroy yourself in the process. Your family is broken and you can't fix that. Me being out of the picture isn't going to help put the pieces back together. You'll never be able to forgive them for all of this. When you find out one day that I'm married to someone else and you're alone, maybe it'll all sink in...just how much you lost.

​NO reply. 

That sad, doomed, depressed feeling has arrived. 

I survived a full week without it and then one phone call changes everything. 

XF's bestfriend called last night...told me that XF has no plans to contact me and will respect my wishes. 

AKA he's fine ending this crazy fucking love affair via text.
I sent the last message saying, "its not enough." 

I 1000000% expected a phone call that evening after work to try and work it out and talk...When that didn't happen, I was like holy shit...this is real...? 

The next day I finally decided to tell people so I couldn't backtrack on this...accountability I guess....

So a full week and no calls, no emails, no surprise visits. 
He sure seems torn up, doesn't he? jokes.

Do you think he was waiting for me to pull the plug so he could sleep at night knowing that it was "my choice" and he didn't do anything wrong except "not agree to a timeframe?" 

Did I just get played??? 

Shouldn't he be calling me daily, trying to make contact. Shouldn't he be miserable?? 

WTF IS THIS. 

He kept saying, "I know you're the person I want to spend my life with"....was that all just bullshit? Wouldn't you fight to keep that person? I fought for you, why can't you do the same for me? 

I just don't get it. 

Elle

It's not like someone died, guys. 
Thanks for asking though, I appreciate the insane amount of support & love - you are all amazing at reminding me....
1.what I deserve
2. what I wasn't getting
3. that I absolutely made the right decision 

You know those people who get into a relationship then fall of the fucking face of the earth because they're so in love? Yeah, they suck and when things go south - they have no one to turn to because they alienated themselves when they were madly in lust. 
I have always worked my ass off to maintain my friendships and not be THAT girl. 

Times like this, it really pays off because damn, life is so much better with amazing friends around. So consider that your warning, friends come first. Just think about Blair & Serena and get your shit together. 

So anyways, I am fine. No tears shed, no drunk texts sent (no desire to do that surprisingly) and no he has not reached out. 

When I am feeling sad I go back and read our last text exchange and remember exactly why I made this decision and it reaffirms me. This is a new strategy I've employed and guys, I highly recc. it. Normally I go and delete all traces of an X from my phone and my life...but that leads to reminiscing and remembering only the good things vs remembering the reality of the situation. So I get sad, I read the texts, it slaps sense back into me and BAM I continue being a boss bitch at life. 

The next NEW strategy - the 30 day plan. You do literally whatever you want for 30 days straight. No excuses, just do, do, do.
So far I...

"Guys hate timelines, timeframes, ultimatums..."

Guess what I hate? 

1. Guys who need timelines, timeframes, ultimatums
2. Guys who fuck with girls emotions (you are all guilty)
3. Not feeling secure in my relationship and thus seeing the need for a fucking timeframe/a piece of mind

So much for keeping it a secret.
Lying to my friends is just way too difficult & being honest means being accountable for my decision which I guess is the logical thing in this situation....

You guessed it
I fucking dumped him
via text. 

Classy, I know. 

I would've done it on the phone but we were both at work and he kept saying "lets talk later" and I said not a fucking option, we will talk NOW.

He couldn't give me ANY timeframe in which we would get engaged and after this amount of time, a bullshit ring shopping day, and more patience than I even knew I had, I told him to fuck off. 

I said it more eloquently than that, I didn't get emotional, I kept shit simple and to the point. 

My last message read, "its not enough."

He never replied. Hasn't even tried to call/email...which is fine. Doesn't show much grief on his end though, does it?

I cried for maybe 10 minutes before I dumped him when we were on the phone but after that, I was fine. I've been mentally preparing myself for this since June 1st...I've distanced myself this summer aka a lot more time spent without him than with and I really have tried to understand my emotions. 

However, he really had me fooled this time that he'd made up his mind. He promised we were going to be engaged by the 2 year mark and that shit was a done deal. Even Mia felt like things had shifted and she hates X factor.

2 years, 2 months later....nada. 

When is enough, enough? 

I know before I had been rushing it. It'd only been 1 year and a rocky one at that...looking back, it wasn't the time to put a ring on it. 

But now? 

Everyone keeps asking me if this is realllllly the end. 

Well, for once I called the shots and it had nothing to do with his family being crazy. So I think we have actually entered new territory. 

The only way I will even look at him is if there's a giant ring, meaningful apology and a proposal that blows me out of the water. 

aka the odds are fucking slim.

Now it's time to pick up the pieces, find Mr. Right Now & enjoy every last second of my summer... crying never did accomplish anything so I won't be doing that.

Fuck emotions, no time for you pesky bitches.

xoxo,

Elle

PS Arash the roomie said something verrrryyyy interesting last night...stay tuned for that post next!

To add to my bitterness, I stumbled across some old emails yesterday from Liam that reallllly made me cringe. Why did I need to find those the Monday after dickhead#1's wedding? Isn't that enough torture for the month?
Back story on Liam incase you've forgotten - guy I lived with & almost married. He was really content with the simple life & I really wanted more. So I dipped out, moved back to the city & crushed him. I still feel awful about it. Oh, he's engaged to the girl after me now too. 

These emails from when times were good are HEARTBREAKING.

I've honestly never felt guiltier. It's funny how you can block out things in your mind and just keep moving forward like it's NBD. This reminds me how much X factor sucks at discussing the future and emotions AND how good I had it before. Ugh, being young and stupid SUCKS. Now I am old & single. Super fails.

PSA:
Be prepared to either be bored out of your MIND or admit to yourself that I am the biggest bitch ever for breaking up with a guy THAT nice. I'll notate things so it all makes a little more sense. Fair warning, this email is LONGGGGGG.

----
5/7/2012
--
Elle!!! Oh, how I love you so...just sittin here at work and decided to correspond with my boo before getting started on a new project due later this week. In kind of a strange way, it helps me feel closer to you when I can actually get this stuff out on paper instead of just having it bounce around my head all day long.


Even though we didn't end up doing anything exciting/fun yesterday, I'm still glad we got a chance to devote the day to "us". As depressing/out of left field as that was, I'm sort of relieved that it's out of my system and I had a chance to clear the air. It's funny because I'm always the first person to tell someone not to bottle up their feelings/emotions and here I was being someone that could have used that advice the most. I just don't like that stale feeling we were having for such a long time and just how bad the situation was finally hit home at that particular time. (we were in a rut of doing absolutely nothing on the weekends and I was 23 at the time, bored out of my mind living this 35 year old life) You probably won't believe me on this, but I naturally am always feeling the need/want/desire to keep things progressive/interesting/exciting, but for whatever reason I lost focus of that and it wasn't only effecting me, but you as well.(I was depressed) I'm sure it has something to do with my unhappy work life leaking into my personal life, but since there weren't any clear cut signs for me, it was hard to see that coming. Especially since suppressing those feelings is obviously not the answer, no matter how minor I always make them out to be to you and myself.

It's funny how much can change in a year; I mean, not even. One minute I feel so proud of myself for being somewhat accomplished/established/conquering huge goals I had always set for myself and the next thing you know it's like my eyes have been opened to a whole new world that I didn't even know existed. Kinda silly to be saying that about something that some people have known all their lives, but it's just something that never even crossed my mind in years past; like, it was cool to dream about moving away or trying out a new city/state but could never be a reality.....not sure why I never thought I could make that a possibility on my own, it always seemed like such a foreign concept given that my family and I only moved once in my entire life and it was like 5 miles down the street :-/ but I certainly knew that when I found that one person that could show me the possibilities, I would finally feel what it was like to have the courage/confidence/motivation to make that leap.(like I said, content with status quo lifestyle) To have complete love/trust in someone would never make me second guess that decision because it would be about us starting a new life together; whether I was stepping away from family/friends/or whatever else was seemingly holding me down in any particular locale at the time. (we lived legit 3 mins down the street from his parents & brother & saw them 4-7x a week where as I've been on my own since I LEFT for college --he stayed local for that too so he really had zero exposure to the outside world)

It's funny/makes me a bit uneasy regarding your "forever is a long time" comment....

What do you get when...

You attend a holiday party that you haven't been to in four years, deal with your X and his little sister, drink 100 proof vodka, see an old friend who called your father Osama Bin Laden on his birthday at a party (&  never apologized), and are overwhelmed with high school nostalgia and nausea? 

Well, you take copious amounts of peppermint patty shots (choc. syrup + peppermint schnapps), call the asshole ex-friend who equated your dad to a terrorist a stupid redneck, cry, drink some more, and leave at 3/4am? (don't worry, I didn't drive) 

Yeah, I was trying to be the better/bigger person and that really just didn't workout. At first, all was well. Then in an effort to be nice to my HS X's little sister, I went to chat with her about her life considering I hadn't seen her since she was in high school and clearly we used to be pretty close considering I dated her brother for roughly five years. 

That stupid little brat takes after her evil mom and decides it'll be fun to tell me how much everyone adores my X's fiancee and how she is JUST like their mom. Well, being just like their mom is quite the accomplishment considering that woman is insanely racist and rude pretty much all the time. Zoe and I went to my X's grad party from HS and Zoe is also not white -- that went over really well. She wouldn't even speak to my Zoe. X's best friend was Mexican and BOY was that drama. For majority of X's life, his mom despised his best friend. She just really sucked like that. 

So she continues on this love story towards X's fiancee and I just keep saying, "wow that is so great, wow so nice, wow great." THEN she goes, "weren't you engaged awhile back? I could've swore I heard that." 

NO I WASN'T FUCKING ENGAGED. "No, that wasn't me...curious how a rumor of such would start though? Who told you that?"

"Oh, no one -- must've mixed you up with someone else!" 

BITCH. 

That stupid conversation lasted at least 20 minutes until I found a great excuse to flee. 

Fast forward 40 minutes and my darling X asks about my new business which involves planning proposals. That leads to hearing about his proposal. Noteworthy part: "I'm sure your clients want a professional photographer but I was able to set up a camera myself so that the moment would be perfect and no one else would be there to witness our special moment." Oh, thats just so lovely. That explains the ONE POS photo you have to document your proposal -- nowwwww I get it. 
He continues on this story and tells me how intricately he planned, thus needing a service such as mine would be useless because "he is very creative and thoughtful on his own, unlike apparently all of my clients." 
Necessary? I think not. He could've told me his boring ass proposal story without taking digs at me. Finally, I see an out and bolt from that convo back upstairs for more peppermint patty shots. Saveeeee me peppermint shots of goodness. 

Fast forward - X's bestfriend who is a total redneck and an old friend. I always had a soft spot in my heart for this kid. And to his defense, when I needed him - he always came through. We spent a lot of time together considering we lived down the street and his best friend was my boyfriend. If I got snowed in, he'd come dig my car out and take me for pizza, if I needed an oil change, he'd gladly do it and never charge me for it. (He is a mechanic fyi) I set him up with his first and likely last girlfriend. I genuinely cared about this asshole.
That allll changed one summer from college....
It was my dad's birthday and we threw him a big party in the backyard. All of our neighbors and my dad's friends were there - My X and his BFF came. It was a really nice night. We then left the adult party to go to a college party in the woods at someones home. We are standing in a group of people we hadn't met before and I mentioned we just came from my dad's birthday party. 

X's POS friend goes, "yeah, it was like Osama Bin Laden's birthday today -- her dad is like a middle eastern terrorist." 

I excused myself from the group, went to a bathroom and started crying. Not only is  my X's mom racist as F but his best friend whom I also consider a friend is?? How in the world have I been so close to him and not known this!

X came to find me, he nearly punched his friend in the face and that is the moment where my friendship and respect for X's BFF died. Since then, I have never invited him to a party/event, spoke to him, etc. 

Well, enough pepermint patty shots and BOOM I am in his face. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I CARED ABOUT YOU AND YOU CALLED MY DAD A TERRORIST. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD!!!!" 
Thats the short version of what went down. Then I start crying (WHY AM I CRYING?!) and the whole thing was just fucking stupid. Why did I go to this party? To embarrass myself of course. That is legit the only thing that was accomplished. 

So - I forgive the dbag, no point in holding onto anger. I am so happy I am not marrying my HS love and his family (not like X factors fam is much better) but yeah, it all worked out in my benefit and I can clearly see that now. 

Best part - I went into this party thinking I would drink responsibly and not make a fool of myself. That was short lived.
Fucking peppermint patty.

Elle

Yeah, we are still talking about Liam's engagement.

The series of events that occurred after I found out are simply too fucked up to actually be real life. (but of course, it's real life)

I wake up Thursday, do my usual scroll through instagram and log into facebook. 

You know how facebook sometimes chooses to show you a post from "x years ago today" and then lets you re-share the post to reminisce? 

Well luckily my facebook isn't a douchebag and doesn't alert me of that kind of stuff. Only once has it done that and it was when I made it on the front page of the Washington Post. (aka best moment ever to reminisce)

But Thursday FB decided to be a dick. 

"Elle, 4 years ago today here is a memory!" 
{Photo of Liam & my cat putting together Ikea shit}

REALLY FACEBOOK?

DID YA REALLLLLLY HAVE TO PICK THE WEEK HE'S ENGAGED TO REMIND ME THAT WE USED TO BE REALLY FUCKING HAPPY AT ONE POINT? FOUR YEARS AGO TO BE PRECISE. 

GEE, FACEBOOK. THANKS SO MUCH. I HAD FORGOTTEN HOW WONDERFUL HE WAS BUT LUCKILY YOU DIDN'T! 

motherfucker.

I'd told my bestfriend the night before that I wanted to delete all social media and live a life of quietness. If you wanna know what's up in the life of Elle then you better read the blog, give me a call or send a me text.

You can't get away with typing my name into FB and IG and finding out the latest.

Of course I didn't delete my accounts and THIS IS WHAT I GET INSTEAD.

OH it gets better.

I walk into the Audi dealer to drop my car for it's 10k service appointment and WHO DO I SEE.

No, not Liam.

HIS BEST FUCKING FRIEND
Dan.

I haven't seen Dan since Liam and I broke up. Our paths never cross. But as karma would have it, Dan just started a new job Monday in the Audi service department and BOOM here he is. and I'm not wearing makeup. and Im hungover from the night before due to drowning my misery in Veuve and Pinot Noir. 

I see him and immediately spazz. Holy shit. OMG. 
I start slurring my words, speaking too fast to my service advisor, trying to be nice to Dan and make small talk while keeping my shit together. 
My hands are shaking. I am sweating. Hair twirling. Taking coat off, putting it back on. Tapping fingers. Biting my cheek. 

HOLY LORD, MAKE THIS STOP.

Dan walks me out to my loaner car and proceeds to tell me his life story the past x years. The entire time I am WAITING for him to drop the Liam is engaged bomb. I know he's the type to want to gauge my reaction. 
I am ready for you, I am ready for you, I am ready for you....

40 minutes later, he never mentions Liam or his nuptials. 
RELIEF.

He does however tell me that I am looking mighty skinny and fit. 
(ONLY SILVER LINING TO THIS ENTIRE WEEK IS THIS COMMENT.)

Thank you Dan for noticing the countless hours I spend in the gym like a meat head bro. 

So finally Thursday is coming to an end and I am driving home from work 

when that new Adele song, Hello comes on. 

I hadn't really listened to it before but decided I'd give it a go. The hype was insane for this damn thing. What's so special? 
(cue another terrible idea) 

I will sign off with the lyrics posted. IT COULDN'T BE MORE ACCURATE OF MY LIFE / PAST WITH LIAM. I will highlight the parts that make me want to cry/die. 
---------
"I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing

Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

There's such a difference between us
And a million miles

Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart
Anymore

Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're well
Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

It's no secret that the both of us
Are running out of time"

-----------
​Elle

I've tried to deny to myself that I wouldn't be sad when this day eventually came. It's been three years so there is really no reason why I should have ANY feelings whatsoever regarding this but I do. and it sucks. and I am sad. 

My ex Liam is engaged to the girl he dated after me. I was always 50/50 as to whether he'd actually propose. He told me not too long ago that he felt, "you should marry the person you can't live without, and I think I could live without Jaime." 

Clearly that's changed, which is fine. But I can't lie and say I don't have regrets when I think of him. 

I got the text from my best friend last night and instantly my heart sank, my stomach felt ill and tears began to stream down my face.

He was hands down the best boyfriend I have ever had. So kind and thoughtful, loved by my family, my clients, friends, etc. He is genuinely a great person. So great that he's only ever slept with three people in his life and he is a great looking, super tall guy. He has a moral code and he always stands by it. 

He would bring me flowers every single week, make my coffee before I woke up, get me gas because he knew I hated doing it, peel my pomegranates, etc. 

One time he picked my bestfriend and I up from the airport and he brought us both big bouquets of lilies (my favorite flower). 

We broke up because I was 22 and a huge idiot. I wasn't ready for the serious relationship I was in. He was ready to propose. We lived together. This was no small relationship. In fact, it was the most important one of my life thus far. 

And I broke his heart one night in November, sitting on his couch as I read him the letter I wrote to end things. 

Referencing things that we were on two different pages, I had big goals in life and I felt he didn't want the same lifestyle I wanted and that I needed some space but that I could see us together down the road once we had both grown. 

Well, I grew, he grew, and he met Jaime. When he first met her she was used strictly to make me jealous. He promised me that no one would interfere with our friendship and if she had an issue with that, she'd have to hit the road. (I still have that email)

She had an issue with it but he stayed friendly for a long time...we'd go to dinner, grab drinks, facetime, had dinner with my mom, etc. Not all the time, but enough that we still felt connected. Then one day, it all halted. 

A few months passed and we'd exchanged a few texts here or there -- nothing too major. I met the X factor, had the best month ever with him, then he dropped the bomb that his parents were racist and he wasn't ready to date a non-Armenian, that same night I sent this email to Liam. I told myself, it's now or never and I don't want to lose Liam for life. (X-factor and I had an amazing 4th of July weekend, he dropped the bomb on the 6th and this email was sent on 7/6/14)

"Liam,

So I know I am not supposed to say or do this but in order to have any kind of sanity/closure, I need to. 

I still care about you, I want more than anything to give "us" another chance, I've never felt the way I feel about you, i don't think i ever will and I wish I was older when I had met you so my growing pains would've been out of the way. I know you have a girlfriend and you are happy. I am happy that you are happy. I don't expect anything from this email - but I need to get it off my chest so that I can just move on with my life knowing that I told you. 

I've fought the feeling for a very long time and I am no idiot - I know that you've moved on. Just know I needed to say this and I expect no response, I just mentally have to know that the words have escaped my head and have entered yours. And if you ever change your mind, I promise I won't make the same mistakes I made before. 

I wish you the best Liam, I am glad we are friends. I will likely always love you. Even if, simply as a friend. I just had to say this because I think if I don't, I won't ever be able to let someone else really love me until I can let go of you. 

Enjoy Greece. Never settle for less in life - in any aspect. 

I miss you."

He was in Greece visiting family when I sent this and I did it strategically so that he could read what I had to say without her sitting next to him. 

He never responded but we did see each other afterwards and have spoken many times since. 

But now, the door is truly closed. He has made the decision, the statement and bought the ring. 

I hope he's happy. I hope he isn't settling due to age, being comfortable, his family liking her, etc. 

I definitely have regrets.
I wish I'd met him now, not then.
Jaime is definitely one lucky girl.
and I kind of hate her.

xo

A Sad Elle

This post is hard for me. I hate being viewed as weak, I hate feeling weak, and I hate that I have had so much trouble moving on. 

I started this blog because my relationship exploded in May. 

It is now October 15th.
(which reminds me, I successfully avoided online dating for one month, it flew by and felt AMAZING - give it a try!) 

Anyhow - I wish I could say I was over the X factor. I really, really do. I am SO good at getting over people, it's kind of an incredible talent how I can turn an ex boyfriend into a friend with the snap of my fingers. 

Not so much this time.
Am I losing my touch as I get older?
Or is this just actually the first time I've really been in love since my HS X who was a total pain in the ass to get over as well. (that took five fucking years - I kid you NOT. & ever since, I've been really good at cutting cords and walking away) 

So this is just annoying. It is annoying to me, to my friends, to my family. I can't even talk about him anymore because he's become such a downer in my social settings. It sucks, sometimes I am REALLY FUCKING SAD and I have no one to call. I don't blame my friends for abandoning me on this ship, I know I am a broken record but damn, it's so hard to make someone understand how deeply you loved someone. 

I also think there is a major distinction from "really loving" your HS boyfriend to "really loving" someone at the age of 27. 

High school douche and I met when I was 15. We became friends, then dated for 2.5 years until I was 19 when he cheated on me ON MY BIRTHDAY. Yeah, what a stellar dude to be hung up on for FIVE YEARS.

I am proud to say, I never took my HS ex back. He tried reaaaaallllly hard for many, many years. Senior year of college he borrowed his dad's truck, drove eight hours in the snow to help me move out of my college house and into my new apartment in Washington DC where I was finishing my last semester. AND I STILLLLL WOULDN'T TAKE THAT DBAG BACCCCK.

Talk about driving a guy crazy. That winter, he would randomly show up at my house (I was living alone in my dad's enorme house that was down the street from his parents house) so he knew he could drop by anytime he wanted without my dad punching him. One night I was with another guy and had to shut all the lights off in the house so he' d go away. This actually happened way too often. My annual Xmas party that year I drank too much and fell asleep in bed with Tash - woke up in the AM to him asleep next to my bed on the floor, making sure no one entered my room. He was so territorial. That winter is when I no longer had any desire to hook up with him. Man, that was drama. SO sad I don't have the voicemail he left me on New Years Eve...COMEDY!
 Everyone knew us as a duo though -- so it was hard for both of us to break free of that and keep our friends. & we loved each other, despite him cheating - I do know he adored/was mildly obsessed with me. The most passionate guy I know, now that I think back... Wait, why am I talking about him? Ew. Sorry. 

We hadn't been together since month 2 of my freshman year. So that is just one great instance of the power I held over that piece of shit. He did a lot of things to make my life easier -- he was there when I needed him (most of the time) -- we had a lot in common -- most importantly, he stood up to his racist mom 100000% of the time. (Incase you missed an old post I wrote about this guy, he had a racist parent who sucked big times too.) So he wasn't allllll bad. Besides missing his flight for my birthday weekend, cheating on me with a fuggo B and then making me interrogate the truth out him for hours on the phone. 
(PS somehow he is engaged and I'm not -- please let me know how THAT happened.) 

BACK ON TRACK.

My current X factor has now decided to say FUCK YOU to his racist parents + brother. Oh yeah, I met his brother and it was a disaster but let's save that for another day/never. X now says, "I am going to marry you Elle!" 

Right.

I kind of hate you for all the chaos your family brings to the table. For being a coward for our entire relationship. For not making that ^^^^ decision, a long DAMN time ago!!!! 

But I still love him. And it frustrates me to no end. It's like a 50/50 battle. The ratio used to be more love/hate but now we are at 50/50 territory and it is THE WORST.
I'm so frustrated I workout 6-7x a week like a psychopath. I am not a gym person so this is a real change of persona. I just don't know how to handle my aggression with him in any other positive way. In May + June drinking excessively with friends was my coping mechanism but feeling like physical shit started to get old fast. 

But I still want to marry him.
Why?
He just decided he wants to marry me instead of his mom so WHY do I still want to spend my life with this guy!? 
Because when our life didn't revolve around his parents, he was insanely amazing. I know he'd be the best dad one day and there is some weird connection we have that I've never come close to having with anyone else. We have so many things in common and all my weaknesses (i.e. cooking, medicine, math) he is incredible at. We compliment each other. I am SUPER social, he is mildly social. (I dated the guy who was SUPER social/attractive/tall/successful (similar to myself) and he broke my nose and left me with a 5k bill and bruises for 3 months. True story - my life is a joke.) 

Next point - 
I am a very loving & passionate friend and family member. However, in the dating realm, I never really thought I'd be one of those people who fell crazily into love. The kind where logic goes out the window and you are just blissfully happy when thinking of such person. I am way too logical for love like that. Especially with a guy under 6ft tall who has hair everywhere besides his head. I loveeee tall guys with dark hair.
Then I met him. Week 3 of knowing him I told my mom, "I found the guy I am going to marry and I've never been more sure of anything." <--that is FUNDAMENTALLY not who I am!!!!
(I also wasn't aware of his racist roots at week 3, that happened at week 4)

SO to all my friends who hate me for being an idiot, I am sorry. I am sorry for the stupid shit I have done this summer, I never meant to upset you and I know I have. I know you guys want the best for me and you don't think he is it. I stopped talking about him, stopped writing about him and I truly have made genuine efforts to move forward AND I do believe I am moving forward without him. I feel stronger, mentally clearer and more motivated than ever now that 27 has arrived. 

(sidenote- Cris texted today, "Hello beautiful! How is your week?" and informed he will be traveling the next ten days for work but can't wait to see me again when he returns. So there is THAT. Guess he is interested after all) 

In summation:
Moving on is a real bitch. Getting older only makes it harder. Falling in legitimate love is a curse/blessing I guess? (at least got some muscle out of it) 

Whether we somehow wind up married one day or never speaking ever again, I know that God is going to handle it and get me through it. I just hope my friends don't hate me whichever way the cookie crumbles.

Amen.

Elle