Continuing on my path of being 28 and saying/doing what I feel... Here's a not so fun story from this morning.

I finish up my soulcycle class and see a missed call from XF. 

I ring him back to see what's up. 

He's sitting at the airport in SF, ending a trip back to see his family.

XF: "Elle, you know how you say my parents are looking for some perfect unicorn? Well, they've officially lost their minds even more" 

He exclaims while laughing. 

Let me brace myself...these lunatic fucking parents got crazier...color me shocked.

Elle: "Yeah, explain...."

XF: "Now they want us to marry an Armenian girl with an Ivy League degree, a "professional job", and a wealthy/highly educated family."

Elle: "By professional job you mean another doctor I'm guessing..."

XF: "Yeah, something like that."

Elle: "God forbid they just want you to choose someone who makes you happy, that'd just be too sane for them. Anyways, I have a busy day, I need to go. Thinking about this nonsense is no way to start my day, bye."

Of course now - it's all I can think about it.

So I write him an email.

------

​XF,
I know these are my personal insecurities talking but being hated for not being Armenian was one thing.

Being hated for lack of Ivy League education (mind you I got into colleges you were denied to so clearly I'm no moron) and lack of masters degree or "professional" job is a totally different feeling.

I can't change my ethnicity (nor would I ever want to be Armenian/anything else) but I can change my education and job. 

However, I'm never going to have a Yale undergrad degree and I'm pretty happy with the business I've built with my own two hands with zero help or support from anyone else. I never wanted to be a doctor, I don't like blood or needles or hospitals or doctors, really. 

My dad has a masters from Cambridge, my mom doesn't. She got married young and never expected she'd need it after she married my dad & had me. She was raised in a very poor family and definitely persevered to the best of her abilities. 

It sucks to feel like "my package" isn't good enough in literally every way possible.

All of this, makes me hate them so much more. That door I said I'd keep open, keeps inching closer and closer to nailed shut. If they come around, the door might be just open for you and them...as much as they want nothing to do with me, I want nothing to do with them and it is my greatest wish that my future children will NEVER be submitted to these people who possess this disgusting mindset and are spreading hate vs love.

I know my self worth is not based on where I went to school, who I know, how much money I have, etc. 

But these things they say are so hateful...it's hard to not take it personally. It's hard to hear you keep telling me, "they're good people." 

How is this something a "good" person says? How is the behavior indicative of "good"? How do you keep making excuses for this shit? I never want to hear how "good" they are ever again. 

NONE of this is good or okay. It's not even funny to me, in the slightest.

Wanted to share my thoughts.
And no, this does not mean I am going to take you back or marry you - it's just what is on my mind.

Elle

Happppppy Halloween.

It was fun while it lasted but we hit the limit and it's pretttty much over.

I can only handle the misuse of your and you're so many times. 

He hit 5x too many.

Ah, and today he texted me, "its reigning." 
FML. You mean, raining...
I waited for him to quickly correct himself, it never happened. 
SEND HELP.

All grammar aside, that isn't why I decided to call it quits. 

I am typically the one to instigate seeing him. This past week, I decided I wasn't going to make a plan/invite him over and see if he took the REIGNS. (get it?)

He didn't.
Until about 7pm Thursday night when I already had plans. 

Friday he came to my Halloween hangout and before I knew it, I blurted out that I'd met someone I'd like to give a chance to and before it got tricky, I wanted us to be just friends. 

Jake: "But, but, but, what about chemistry? Do you have that with him?"

(Thinking about my fictional new man)

Elle: "Not like I do with you but you need chemistry + timing and we don't have the timing. It's fine you don't want what I want right now...but I know what I need and it's not you."

Jake: "I mean, are you sure?" 

Elle: "Yea, I want to be upfront now so you don't accuse me of "big timing" you again...We have a lot in common and I want to stay friends, 100%." 

Jake: "Just come here, kiss me."

Sigh.

To be really honest - I am not sure what hit me on Friday but I just knew I was done with this. 

He's nice, the sex is good but I feel 0 things towards him right now...Maybe it was the week off that did it? 

As Drake says, "my ex asked me where I'm moving, I said onto better things." 

xo,

Elle​

"Chubby guys are better boyfriends AND you always feel skinny."

Logic: They have to work harder to keep their chick because they're not a 10, probably not even an 8. The less desired a guy is, the more appreciative of you he tends to be.

You feel skinny because you're the smaller half of the duo, duh.

So while swiping, give the chubby kid a chance.
Unless he's short, then definitely don't.
Short + Chubby = Stubby and that's just not hot.

Sorry not sorry,

​Elle

 EllArash, post 2.

Remember how I had that master plan to tell Arash's mom that I'd be open to dating him? 

That never happened. 

I found out from Adi that Arash had already nixed the idea completely. He was never really sure how he felt and decided that giving it a go with me would just be bad news. 

I switch between thinking we should try (aka makeout) / steer clear and stay best friends. 

We still do absolutely everything together. For Halloween, I am Wilma he is Fred Flinstone. We plan parties, cook meals, grocery shop, and now we even workout together. 

One night we were watching a movie when he starts in on how his ideal relationship would look.

Arash: "I'd like my own space. A girl with her own friends so I can hang with mine. I don't need her to be a part of every activity I do. I like to have space."

Elle: "You do realize when you get married, all friend groups get jumbled together? IE you and I have the same friends and it works out just fine. You'll do EVERYTHING together, much like we do right now. You don't get to dictate when and how you get space. Arash, every single thing we do together on a weekly basis is what married life will look like and you don't seem to mind it much with me."

Arash: "I love doing all of that with you, its different than it'd be with a girlfriend. I don't have to be in boyfriend mode with you."

Elle: "Arash, you have to be YOURSELF in a real relationship. No different modes. You get that, right?"

Arash: "IDK, I just like all of that stuff with you, I don't think I'd like it with someone else."

OOOOOOKAY Peter Pan, let's get our head straight, shall we?

I just can't even handle delving into the mind fuck that all is. 

What are your thoughts? Do I make a move or do we let this one stay as it is? 

​Confused, 
Elle

I decided to do my due diligence (for once) and go back to see things I mentioned but never followed up on. 

Remember how I told you my ex from the 6th grade, EP hit me up on facebook chat and we went to get coffee?

Well, we did. It was nice. It's so crazy how much he hasn't changed. He looks the same, same voice, same shyness, same clothes, everything.

He's roughly 5'11, light brown hair, light brown eyes, soft spoken, introverted, casual dresser, avid hockey player. (ding, ding, ding, he is why hockey is my favorite sport as an adult)  

Granted he's a big time film producer now, so that has changed. He's headed to Alaska to film Parts Unknown with Anthony Bourdain -- that's BIG TIME! He is also on a project with Mark Ruffalo who is 100% my celebrity crush, they have a selfie together. BE STILL MY HEART, I LOVE YOU MARK!

Anyways, we talked for about two hours and it was really nice. I was glad he reached out to reconnect and I promised we would see each other once a year moving forward. I'd make it a priority. It's rare to have someone who knew you super well in your atrociously awkward and ugly years...I want to hold on that and those memories. 

Since our coffee date, he texts me daily anddddd he really wants to come back to DC to see me.

and uhhhhh....we did have sex back in college. Twice apparently. I don't remember either which definitely hurt his feelings....He kept bringing up how he couldn't believe it wasn't good enough for me to remember....AHHHH college was a longgggg time ago, I'm sorrrrrry. I barely remember what I had for lunch most days...I know lunch is different than sex but still....2009 seems 25 years ago in my mind.

I think the motivation to "remind me" is there...sadly, I don't think he is visiting anytime soon due to being a badass with work but we will see!

Lastly, we made a pact that if we aren't married at age 32, we are just going to marry each other and see how it goes. 

How insane would it be to marry your FIRST boyfriend? That would definitely be blog material.

My parents would be so confused...."Huh? EP? From Ohio? Hockey kid we went to all those games for? No way....WTF??? Are you guys even dating?" 

Cheers to having my back up plan?
​Every girl needs one.

​Elle

Even if your son is gay and marries an Armenian male? Do they get the house then? How strict is this rule? 


How to be shitty fucking parents 101 -

Step 1: Brainwash your children from their elementary school years by telling them all of the financial incentives for doing exactly as you say. 

Step 2: When your kids grow up and realize you are ruining their lives and decide to make their own decisions, threaten to disown them completely. 

I was on the phone with XFactor tonight when he accccccidentally let this tidbit slip...

XF: "I know the financial consequences for marrying you."

Elle: "Huh? What does that even mean?"

XF: "Well, since my brother and I were small kids, our parents would always say...whoever marries an Armenian will get the house when we die."

Elle: "You're fucking kidding me, right?"

XF: "No, I thought it was a joke but I am fully understanding that I'll get written out of the will by marrying you."

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

This cannnnnnot be real life. 

Talk about emotional and mental brainwashing/torture. These people are so fucked up I can't sleep right now. 

XF is a trust fund kid (he would murder me for writing this) but he's been fortunate enough to not have to deal with things like student loans, etc. His families finances are none of this blogs business so I will leave it at that. The point is -  how incredibly manipulative for them to do this to their kids. 

God forbid you raise a child who is capable of making their own decisions.

God forbid you support them in said decisions. 

That would just be way too damn normal for you ARMENIAN PSYCHOPATHS. 

I truly feel bad for XF. The more I know about his family, the sadder I become. 

The harder he works to get me back, the more I question if I want anything to do with these people.

No wonder he's been such a bitch about making a decision and sticking with it. His parents are threatening him in every possible way. The worst were the emails disowning him on Christmas but fuck, financially now too? 

Luckily, he doesn't need their money BUT it's still such a low blow. 

So for all you single, kid-less people reading -- this is a prime example of WHAT NOT TO DO. 

I feel better for sharing that, now here's to trying to get some much needed sleep. 

Sigh. 

So thankful for my parents,

Elle

PS NO, I have not taken him back. NO I have not seen him. YES I am talking to him, NO that doesn't mean I am jumping in again. YES it is possible I will but only if a shitttttt ton of things change....intimacy, attention span, purchasing of ring, proposal in Paris...

aka don't get your panties in a bundle, we are nowhere close to that but he is seeing a therapist so that's a good start. Someone needs to talk through the damage these asshole parents have done and it can't be me anymore because I've put them in a coffin and hammered my final nails. I give no fucks about them or their opinion of me. 

ZEROOOOO FUCKS.

Well...
I cancelled on the hockey game anddddd on the Sia concert...

How to tell if a girl "just isn't that into you"

Invite her to all of the best activities your city has to offer and when she still doesn't show up, you should start to realize...

I am an asshole.
An hour before the Sia concert I texted saying I had a flat tire and couldn't make it. 

I most definitely did not have a flat tire and was cozied up in my bed, too lazy to will myself to move. 

He was very understanding and kind. Offered to come help me off the side of the fictional road I was stranded on. Aw.

Then, he followed up with...

Friday: Do you want to go to dinner?

Saturday: Do you want to go to the haunted forest?

Monday : Do you want to go zip lining this weekend? 

LITERALLY EVERY FUN ACTIVITY ON THE PLANET.

Of course I don't like him. That would just be way too easy. 

I hit the end of road with faking it and finally decided to act like the adult I sometimes pretend to be and texted him this on Monday...

"Hey Ram, sorry I am so bad at texting - I get sidetracked very easily and forget to go back and reply. This weekend is my best friends birthday and i have brunch with her family Sunday, thanks for the invite. You're a great guy but I really am not in a place for a relationship and would love to be your friend. I understand if you don't want to be friends, I wish you the best either way."

He replies a day later thanking me for my honesty and says he'd like to be friends. Being the gem he is, he asks if my mother who was recently hospitalized was doing alright. 

Sigh. 

I love the "nice guys" but they never can keep my attention. I dated one for two years (Persian fella who lived at home with mommy) and he was very nice but INCREDIBLY boring. Only thing he had going for him was in the bedroom where he was the exact opposite of his normal self. 

I guess another one bites the dust. My roster is so incredibly empty, IDK what to do with myself. 

Tinderfellas, Tinderfellas come out, come out, wherever you are. 

Elle

What happens when...
you match with two incredibly cute Persian doctors in the same week? 

You jump up and down joyously that you FINALLY may have swiped yes on two non-toads. WHO HAVE JOBS!!!!

THEN what do you do when...

they both message you asking for dates? 

BUT

they both look oddly similar.... 

and

they happen to work at the same hospital...

You stalk the fuck out of them to determine why you've matched with the same guy twice & why he has two profiles using two different names...

After much lurking, you discover...

Ugh. 

So I told Jake straight up last week that...

"Sooooo I know I've said this before but obviously the more time I spend with you the closer we get. If I was 22 I'd definitely jump into a relationship with you because back then I didn't care about when I settled down. But now that I am older, I have to care about that and knowing we have very different timelines/goals/geographic preferences - I have to hold back. That being said, I want to spend time with you and enjoy life I just can't fully commit because I really want the next boyfriend I have to be with intent and potential for marriage. And it's completely cool that you're not at that point, I get it and respect it but I want to be honest before you fall in love with me. I don't want to hurt you ever. And honestly, I'm scared of falling in love with you too."

He didn't respond which sent me in a tailspin of anxiety. FINALLY I called him after work and was like hey dude WTF...can we talk. 

Jake: "Elle, we have discussed all of this before. It is what it is. I get you have time constraints as a woman and I wish you were 22 too." 

Elle: "Okay, so you're not mad??"

Jake: "No, not at all. I'm not gonna just let go of you for no reason though."

Elle: "Okay, good. I'm glad..."

Jake: "If you sleep with someone else...I am going to be really bitter...."

Elle: "I'll let you know if I get to that point."

Case closed. We hooked up later that night and then have seen each other probably 4x since. 

Lasssssst night....

He came over, we layed around talking, hooked up and then just kissed for awhile. 

Elle: "Jake, this sucks. It's gonna be hard to let you go."

Jake: "Shhhh, why are you saying that?!"

Elle: "Because we both know thats where we are headed."

Jake: "Yeah but we don't need to talk about it. Maybe we aren't."

Elle: "Yeah, we definitely are...I have to keep my goals in mind. Just promise me this time you'll stay my friend?"

Jake: "I can't have this conversation."

SUPER SIGH.

What we all expected to happen - did. Feelings were caught by both parties. Only way to end this one is going to be a cold turkey cut off. 

​But let's not jump the gun! I don't want to cut off the fun without good reason. Also, this text sent to Jake was before XFactor came back around pretending to have his head screwed on straight. So don't even THINK that one thing led to another. I am not closing any doors. ;) 

What to do, what to do...Why can't he just want what I want, now? He's not perfect but we have enough that I think we could be good together after a few rounds of boyfriend bootcamp. 

xo

​Elle

So you know I am not COMPLETELY slacking off over here...

Here is the introduction to my new book, Bitch, Don't be so Basic"

Enjoy!

-----
 
Excuse me while I pry that pumpkin spice latte out of your hands and torch your uggs. 
 
Class in session, sit your ass down. 
 
Do you find yourself being overlooked on tinder? So many matches but not enough messages? Or perhaps you get asked on the date but somehow you can never snag the guy. 
 
These are classic signs that you might suffer from being a basic bitch.
 
The good news - you're not alone.
 
The best news - the book is here to save your life, personality and wardrobe. 
 
Basicness plagues roughly 99% of millennial women... 
 
How do you define "basic?" - the overwhelming urge to do, wear, and act like every other bitch around you. 
 
Give yourself a pat on the back for realizing that you need help and for purchasing this book. If you received it as a gift, consider this a sign that you are in desperate need of saving.
 
This is your ten-step guide to freeing yourself from the constraints of being a basic bitch and becoming the unique, interesting and datable person that's hiding underneath all your fake bullshit.
 
Let's get started! 

Alright let's see...

I went on a third wheel date with double trouble right before my birthday...meet Hefferson. Heff is 34, super successful, well traveled, tall, hot and funny as fuck. DT invited him to meet us at a bar on Sunday and because I am a loser, I pretty much just joined their date...or he joined ours? Who knows. Anyways, this guy was HILARIOUS. We both really liked him. I am intro'ing him now because we will pick back up on him later, in a different post.

Ram aka concert kid. We went on a billiards date and then I pushed him off for the next 2.5 weeks. Saturday we had a movie date and afterwards he walked me to my car to give me a birthday gift....oh maaaannnnn I feel zero things towards this guy but how thoughtful. THEN he kissed me. Once again, he is the worst kisser ever but my girl A urged me to stay the course...Hockey box seats + concerts....

Of course he invited me to the Sia concert Wednesday and a hockey game tonight... FML I really feel like I am using this kid for his box connections. He's nice, we get along but there is just NO way this is gonna turn into something romantical. But there is also a very slim chance any other toad is going to invite me to do all of the coolest shit. When single, why not mingle?

At what point do I HAVE TO cut the cord though? 

The new toad roster: 

A few basic bro's, all white guys & 1 Indian guy who splits his time between OC and DC aka perfection. 

As of right now I have...

Hockey tonight, Sia tomorrow, drinks Thursday with a new toad. 

Jake has been on the forefront... He took me to a really great birthday dinner and spent the entire weekend doing birthday related activities AND I really do like him. I want to date him. I can see a lot of potential with him. I am totally fine with how skinny he is because he's kinda ripped and has the best shoulders/arms/hottest voice.

BUT

We are on two very different timelines in life. He can't really imagine getting engaged for the next 5 years. Kids? Who even knows when that'd be on the table. He wants to make his first million before settling down...aka he's a dreamer (not saying it can't be done) but if hitting a $$ goal is what determines the rest, I could be waiting forever and it's not a risk I am willing to take. Womp, womp, womp. He really has made such progress since we met. Ahhhh and yes, the sex is definitely skewing things in my mind...it's just so consistently GOOD and so easily accessed. As ya'll know, I slept with Rami in California and Cyrus in DC but clearly both of those things didn't pan out to something legitimate. Jake's the only fella who has been consistent in my life since I became single. 

That brings me to....
the return of X Factor. 

There really isn't a whole lot to say besides he texted me on my birthday, some generic bs that I ignored. Then he texted me while out bowling during my bday weekend and to that, I replied. 

I think it was two days later...flood gates opened and so much talking occurred. I told him I've been sleeping with three other people, I told him he sucked in bed, gained too much weight, emotionally was unfulfilling and a whole buncha other harsh yet true shit. 

He agreed the sex sucked and that he mentally checked out on me. He also admitted he went on a date with an Armenian hoe while in Vegas on the trip we were supposed to be on together...That pissed me off but whatever, not terribly surprising? 

He said a bunch of other shit I've heard before, I decided after speaking to him it'd be best I didn't attend this engagement party that I really did want to attend but knew he'd be there. I am OK seeing him at some point, we just aren't at that point right now. He doesn't deserve to see me - especially in his city, right next to his apartment building. That's a whole lot of 0 effort on his part. Mofo, you want me back? SHOW THE FUCK UP. 

That being said, I don't want him back right now AND I have made that crystal clear. I am enjoying whatever state I am in right now and nothing needs to fuck that up. Being selfish is pretty fantastic. That being said, I haven't been on any mind boggling great dates since my first freaking tinder date back in the game aka Cyrus. I think I am due for one now, fingers crossed. 

Unless a guy is willing to give me what I want, when I want it... it's gonna be a swift BYE BRUCE.  (But if you take me to concerts and hockey games weekly...I guess I can keep you around a bit longer...)

"I give zero fucks and I got zero chill in me."

xo

Elle

PS lots more to come! ;) 

I SUCK!

But

I am back. I am 28 and just as fabulous as ever. 

Long story short - a fucking hurricane ruined our epic girls trip to Miami and everything had to be re-planned for DC.

Yes, I live in Washington D.C. if you hadn't already figured that out. 

We really made the best lemonade out of those lemons...SO MUCH FUN. I am still recovering. I spent this entire weekend sleeping, trying to get back to my 27 year old energy levels. 

That 28th weekend bash WIPED ME OUT. 

So we are back on the dating circuit with some notable updates....a return of X Factor (we knew it'd happen eventually) and some fun things to come in this 28th year. (Podcast + a book) Which means you'll never have time to miss me because I am going to make it my mission this year to oversaturate the market with myself and my ridiculous stories. 

Next post is a dating recap -- coming VERY SOON!

Love you guys.

​Elle

I leave for my EPIC 28th birthday bash in Miami Thursday morning 
SO

I am taking a vaca from the blog until October 11th! 

Come back and visit us then for some great Miami shenanigans andddd the story of how I crashed double troubles first date like the 3rd wheel that I am. 

Love you guys, thanks for reading! Still can't believe 1k read this every week! 

XO XO

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEE!

​Elle