So just when I think Jake is finally a thing of the past, I wake up to....

the world's worst instagram tag.
EVER

@elleohelle -->picture of hundreds of snakes

AWFUL way to wake up considering I am PETRIFIED of snakes and this asshole knows that.

Quickly, I think "how can I sting him back?"

He introduced me to the song, "Hotline Bling" by Drake a few weeks before it came out and every time I hear it, it reminds me of him now.

SO I typed into insta, #hotlinebling.

I find a meme with drake dancing and the caption,
"Drake 's music will have you staying up late at night wondering what went wrong in a relationship you were never in"

tag @jake_l

Then - I get a snap of a town I frequent for work with the caption, "trying to stalk you."

oh and what do ya know?

here's another snap!

let's see what this is...
something dumb in a cafe, whatever.

So two can play the douchebag social media game, I am ready for battle.
This is honestly just comedy in my life at this point, none of it is taken seriously.

I could block him, but what fun would that be?

Happy Thursday peeps.

​Elle

Moving can be exciting...re-decorating, purging old items, reorganizing closet, creating new routines, becoming more efficient in your day-to-day...

or it can totally suck and make you wish you weren't moving. 

Today's post has zero to do with dating. Ugh, okay fine - here is a tiny update since that is what this blog is alllll about
.
Jake texted me Sunday night asking how my weekend was, said it was good, he said his was boring, convo over. Sweeeet bro. Over you.

Cris texted Friday to get drinks on Tuesday. I said I'd get back to him.
Today, I said I was busy and we'll have to find time another time. 
Drinks? Again? Why not dinner? This is annoying. Dinner at least satisfies the "I am hungry, must eat" thing -- drinks when I am moving Friday morning, is just a waste of time. 
Pass.

X Factor hasn't been around much, I've been really busy like I said so he's been on the back burner and he knows it. Saw him Saturday, we did some day drinking and that was about it. Nothing exciting to report. I refuse to sleep with him unless we are engaged (andddd that's not the likeliest scenario) so no sex =
keeping myself physically unattached & sanity.
YAY CELIBACY.
Boy update - done.

Back to whining about moving. 
How the hell did I accumulate such a wardrobe of shit I NEVER wear? I would love to toss 80% of what I own and just start fresh. 
Actually, really tempted to do so. 
(Zoe, hit me up if you need some clothes)

I underestimated how much "little" stuff is left and I have no motivation to pack and get this shit done. ZERO.
I am also going to miss my neighborhood tremendously. I loveeeeee where I live, I love my building, my buildings staff, EVERYTHING. I come home from work, crawl into bed, 5:20pm I throw my gym clothes on and walk across the street for 5:30pm class -- 6:30pm I walk the 3 seconds back home and I am done. It's so easyyyyyyyyy and all the restaurants nearby, waahhh sooo goooood. 

Life is about changing and evolving so I am going to embrace this new chapter butttttt I am feeling sad about leaving. wompppp, womppppp. 

I also wish I had one week that off from work that was paid so I can just sleep, unpack, and mentally recharge. Staycation kinda dealio. I have been so forgetful lately, it's driving me nuts. My mom said there is a study that shows too much multitasking destroys memory and typically mom is a bit goofy with her "articles" but I really think she is onto something legit there. 

I want my mind back! 

Luckily, losing the mind means I have absolutely no capacity for online dating so my hiatus continues as I deal with real life shit vs unnecessary toads from Tinder.

Oh and it's also "Hell Week" at the gym. I was like, yeahhhh I can do this - I workout all the time now, NBD and then today, day 1 - I was nearly vomiting by the end of class. ORANGE THEORY IS NO JOKE PEOPLE. I came home and sat on the floor of my shower for like 30 minutes trying to revive myself enough to keep packing allll this crap I own. 

So there's my Monday bitchfest. Sorry you just wasted 3 minutes of your life reading it. 

Promising my next posts won't be so "first world problem" oriented and back to the juicy shit aka all the dumbass guys I know. 

PS Zoe, WHERE YOU AT GIRL? We miss hearing about those S. Tampa Douchebags.

xo

Elle

Well, I guess I underestimated Jake...you know, the guy who doesn't open doors or offer to buy me a drink ever.

I told you last week he's been ghostly and I don't really mind because he was strictly in the summer fun category.

It all started on Thursday evening when he sent me a really rude snapchat text saying, "if my cat was on the biggest loser, he'd win every time because he's a fat, freeloading, gay, waste of space."

Anyone who knows me - knows I adore animals. All animals, but especially my own - so I was really offended at this rude, out of the blue comment. I responded back with, "does being mean make you happy? Wtf?"

No reply.

Then last night he snapped something and I replied to it saying, "what's with the salty attitude towards me lately?" and boom - led to a full blown argument about why we ended.

He said he kept inviting me to go wine tasting and I kept saying no...
First off, that's false.
He invited me the weekend a hurricane hit so obviously we didn't go. The next weekend he mentioned it, when I asked about it, he was at some taste of the city festival. So what the fuck dude? I never said no, you failed to execute.

Then
I let loooooose.

I called him out on the fact that I let this thing be "casual" so I partially blame myself but that when we'd go out, he never offered to buy me a drink - ever. We went on two dates - everything else was casual nothingness.

He said he stopped buying drinks for girls awhile ago, he bought my ticket to the Ferris wheel (the night we went out and I didn't eat and he happily proclaimed, less bill for me!) and said, I'm not the type to take a girl out like twice a week.

I kindly reminded him we met July 18th and went on two dates in total. That's not much.... Below is a screenshot I managed to snag.

Moral of the story - he caught feelings but due to NO dating experience as an adult, he has no fucking clue how it works and therefore we have a new Lifeisnotarom.com rule: if you meet a guy over 25 who has little to no dating experience, RUN - do NOT walk away. I mean full on sprint because the odds are, he's a complete moron and there's a damn good reason he's single.

Our snap text ended with me saying, " I hope you realize this has nothing to do with money, it's all about the gesture of being a gentleman. Goodnight."

He said, "I hope to see you soon, let's talk tomorrow."

No, let's not.
You're a loser and summer is over and now I'm dating a smart ass Ivy Leaguer who never forgets to open my door or buy the drinks or execute a plan. You can get back to refusing to buy a girl a $7 glass of wine, already know how well that's gonna work out for ya.
PEACE.

So yeah, he caught feelings and I give zero fucks about it.

​Maybe this is what I get for trying to date a white guy. 

Sorry I'm not sorry,
Elle

This actually showed up as a sponsored ad on my Instagram JUST now... 1. How does insta know I'm single? 2. How gratuitous of them to help me find "bae" 3. What the fuck is a bae? Stupidest non-word EVER.

Happy Friday! Good luck on your weekend bae-watch. (Eye roll)

Xx
​ Elle

​There are too many STDs in Florida, and by STDs I mean
South Tampa Douchebags.
It's a term frequently used to describe many of the men that populate the very popular and trendy area. Many of them are very attractive, successful, and fit but don't be fooled! They are all deceiving muscle head idiots or wanna be muscle head idiots. I'll  never understand why but these girls (sadly, I'm guilty) fall for them every time. The STD does not discriminate. Young or old, black or white. All douchy in their own special way. Ew. 85% of them invade my Tinder and other online dating accounts daily. I have to give myself a two week break before I can allow myself to get back in the game of online dating. I should probably take a page from Elle's book and remove myself from all sites!
​
Here are 50 Signs That You Might Be a South Tampa Doucher.
​......and it sounds like a tool wrote this list!

In other news, I've given up on Alec so I'm back to swiping away! He's 31 and acts like he's still 21 and seems to be quite happy about not growing up. He would rather invite me out to party and go to bars than dinner and a couple drinks. I foresee a bad relationship in the future. He also informed me during a semi-date last week that he would be content making $50-$60k for the rest of his life. Please don't judge me but I just cannot do that and find it hard to understand. There's nothing wrong with the salary because at least he's making money, but isn't that JUST surviving? Isn't the goal in life to do your best and always work hard? He doesn't seem to be very ambitious. Oh well, another beautiful face gone to waste. 
I'm suppose to meet up for a drink with a guy tomorrow but I can't say I'm excited about it. I will probably ditch the date all together or reschedule. Oh well.
I've actually been talking to Alec's friend who seems to be much more mature (and the same age), successful and interesting. Not as cute but not unfortunate!
They're working the same late night hospital shift tonight.
This should get interesting.....
Stay tuned for more!
xx Zoe xx

There must be something in the water because 2 of my very first tinder dates are hitting me up non-stop lately. 

I went from hearing from them sporadically in a friendly way to now being semi-pursued. 

Why? 

I have no idea. 

First up is Sam. I took him to a client event in May when X factor and I had parted ways -- we had a good time, he had a girlfriend and it was just friendly fun. He is always a great date. (there's an old blog post on this one)

He asked me out last week and we had drinks downtown on Monday night. He paid and was lovely as usual but when he invited me back to his place I knew this was a litttttle more than friendly. (PS hallelujah for guys who buy ladies drinks!)

Our next hangout is planned for wine on his roof. He just moved into this incredible building downtown and lives on the top floor. (How can I keep this PG?)

He's great, smart, good job, funny, we get along perfectly EXCEPT he is my height and there's one thing missing that I can't put my finger on... He is awesome and I wish we had that "it factor" -- I was dating him quite frequently before I met X and then dropped him in the dust completely. (Sam also knows why I dropped him...yay for honesty?) 

Guy number 2 was also in phase 1 of tinder  -- Joey. 
He's 6'4, very political, amazing chef, sweet guy, funny, smart, tall, tall, oh and tall. 

He was promising until I found out he is very religious in a strange off-shoot of Christianity and I knew I'd not be down to covert/raise my kids that way sooooo  why get attached? 
We'd been texting prior to a few of my big political work events recently and he came up to meet up for a midnight dinner on my birthday last weekend. 

My friends thought I'd picked up some dude from the street and invited him to dinner. LOL -- WHAT? 

Joey and I went on two dates back in the day, both were great.
Except our kiss on date 2, not the greatest....Actually it was terrible.
Thennnnn I met X factor and cut him off too. He also kept in light touch, we snapchat, occasionally text, etc.

Tinder has become a great way to make new guy friends hahaha (I'm sure they'd be thrilled to know they are in my big club of friend zoned dudes, the best guy in that group being G -- so shoutout to you for being the best tinder friend - I know you're reading this) 

Anyways -- Joey texted me Saturday commenting how stunningly gorgeous I am. Uhhhh, we are friends? That is a little odd/out of left field but flattering nonetheless. (I also know he isn't trying to bang me because his religion is not down with sleazy boy behavior, he likely wants to date me) 
+
He offered to help me move because he is genuinely THAT nice of a guy. I can barely get my best guy friends to help me do that level of bitch work, so props to Joey (and G who also offered). 

Sadly though - I am not interested romantically in Sam or Joey. I don't mind hanging out with them on occasion but I don't want to lead them on and hurt their feelings because they are GENUINELY nice guys which as ALL THE LADIES KNOW IS SO RARE. 

Cris gets back to town soon, I'll await a text from him to set-up a plan. However -- if he doesn't execute a DINNER date next, he's gonna get cut. We've done drinks twice, let's step this ish UP. You're 35, cmon bro - lets E X E C U T E! 

Happy Monday! 

PS I am still off of all dating apps -- & I don't miss it whatsoever. SO REFRESHING.

Elle

This post is hard for me. I hate being viewed as weak, I hate feeling weak, and I hate that I have had so much trouble moving on. 

I started this blog because my relationship exploded in May. 

It is now October 15th.
(which reminds me, I successfully avoided online dating for one month, it flew by and felt AMAZING - give it a try!) 

Anyhow - I wish I could say I was over the X factor. I really, really do. I am SO good at getting over people, it's kind of an incredible talent how I can turn an ex boyfriend into a friend with the snap of my fingers. 

Not so much this time.
Am I losing my touch as I get older?
Or is this just actually the first time I've really been in love since my HS X who was a total pain in the ass to get over as well. (that took five fucking years - I kid you NOT. & ever since, I've been really good at cutting cords and walking away) 

So this is just annoying. It is annoying to me, to my friends, to my family. I can't even talk about him anymore because he's become such a downer in my social settings. It sucks, sometimes I am REALLY FUCKING SAD and I have no one to call. I don't blame my friends for abandoning me on this ship, I know I am a broken record but damn, it's so hard to make someone understand how deeply you loved someone. 

I also think there is a major distinction from "really loving" your HS boyfriend to "really loving" someone at the age of 27. 

High school douche and I met when I was 15. We became friends, then dated for 2.5 years until I was 19 when he cheated on me ON MY BIRTHDAY. Yeah, what a stellar dude to be hung up on for FIVE YEARS.

I am proud to say, I never took my HS ex back. He tried reaaaaallllly hard for many, many years. Senior year of college he borrowed his dad's truck, drove eight hours in the snow to help me move out of my college house and into my new apartment in Washington DC where I was finishing my last semester. AND I STILLLLL WOULDN'T TAKE THAT DBAG BACCCCK.

Talk about driving a guy crazy. That winter, he would randomly show up at my house (I was living alone in my dad's enorme house that was down the street from his parents house) so he knew he could drop by anytime he wanted without my dad punching him. One night I was with another guy and had to shut all the lights off in the house so he' d go away. This actually happened way too often. My annual Xmas party that year I drank too much and fell asleep in bed with Tash - woke up in the AM to him asleep next to my bed on the floor, making sure no one entered my room. He was so territorial. That winter is when I no longer had any desire to hook up with him. Man, that was drama. SO sad I don't have the voicemail he left me on New Years Eve...COMEDY!
 Everyone knew us as a duo though -- so it was hard for both of us to break free of that and keep our friends. & we loved each other, despite him cheating - I do know he adored/was mildly obsessed with me. The most passionate guy I know, now that I think back... Wait, why am I talking about him? Ew. Sorry. 

We hadn't been together since month 2 of my freshman year. So that is just one great instance of the power I held over that piece of shit. He did a lot of things to make my life easier -- he was there when I needed him (most of the time) -- we had a lot in common -- most importantly, he stood up to his racist mom 100000% of the time. (Incase you missed an old post I wrote about this guy, he had a racist parent who sucked big times too.) So he wasn't allllll bad. Besides missing his flight for my birthday weekend, cheating on me with a fuggo B and then making me interrogate the truth out him for hours on the phone. 
(PS somehow he is engaged and I'm not -- please let me know how THAT happened.) 

BACK ON TRACK.

My current X factor has now decided to say FUCK YOU to his racist parents + brother. Oh yeah, I met his brother and it was a disaster but let's save that for another day/never. X now says, "I am going to marry you Elle!" 

Right.

I kind of hate you for all the chaos your family brings to the table. For being a coward for our entire relationship. For not making that ^^^^ decision, a long DAMN time ago!!!! 

But I still love him. And it frustrates me to no end. It's like a 50/50 battle. The ratio used to be more love/hate but now we are at 50/50 territory and it is THE WORST.
I'm so frustrated I workout 6-7x a week like a psychopath. I am not a gym person so this is a real change of persona. I just don't know how to handle my aggression with him in any other positive way. In May + June drinking excessively with friends was my coping mechanism but feeling like physical shit started to get old fast. 

But I still want to marry him.
Why?
He just decided he wants to marry me instead of his mom so WHY do I still want to spend my life with this guy!? 
Because when our life didn't revolve around his parents, he was insanely amazing. I know he'd be the best dad one day and there is some weird connection we have that I've never come close to having with anyone else. We have so many things in common and all my weaknesses (i.e. cooking, medicine, math) he is incredible at. We compliment each other. I am SUPER social, he is mildly social. (I dated the guy who was SUPER social/attractive/tall/successful (similar to myself) and he broke my nose and left me with a 5k bill and bruises for 3 months. True story - my life is a joke.) 

Next point - 
I am a very loving & passionate friend and family member. However, in the dating realm, I never really thought I'd be one of those people who fell crazily into love. The kind where logic goes out the window and you are just blissfully happy when thinking of such person. I am way too logical for love like that. Especially with a guy under 6ft tall who has hair everywhere besides his head. I loveeee tall guys with dark hair.
Then I met him. Week 3 of knowing him I told my mom, "I found the guy I am going to marry and I've never been more sure of anything." <--that is FUNDAMENTALLY not who I am!!!!
(I also wasn't aware of his racist roots at week 3, that happened at week 4)

SO to all my friends who hate me for being an idiot, I am sorry. I am sorry for the stupid shit I have done this summer, I never meant to upset you and I know I have. I know you guys want the best for me and you don't think he is it. I stopped talking about him, stopped writing about him and I truly have made genuine efforts to move forward AND I do believe I am moving forward without him. I feel stronger, mentally clearer and more motivated than ever now that 27 has arrived. 

(sidenote- Cris texted today, "Hello beautiful! How is your week?" and informed he will be traveling the next ten days for work but can't wait to see me again when he returns. So there is THAT. Guess he is interested after all) 

In summation:
Moving on is a real bitch. Getting older only makes it harder. Falling in legitimate love is a curse/blessing I guess? (at least got some muscle out of it) 

Whether we somehow wind up married one day or never speaking ever again, I know that God is going to handle it and get me through it. I just hope my friends don't hate me whichever way the cookie crumbles.

Amen.

Elle

I finally went out again with Cris. He's still superb and checks off all the boxes + some. He's also a fitbit addict like myself, so we have another weird thing in common. 

We met Saturday for drinks and had an enjoyable evening...

He was very hands on, PDA, kissing at the bar, etc. But when he kissed me this time, I had this horrible skin crawling feeling of discomfort. 

Maybe it was because I had to tell him details about myself we'd already heavily discussed on date one? Maybe because he's so confident and aggressive? I don't know. He is a good kisser -- so it wasn't lack of skill. 

I wish I could pinpoint why I felt that way. But suddenly, I got tired, wanted to teleport home and crawl into my bed alone. 

GAHHHHH. WTF.

He's a catch. The ONLY catch of my summer (I guess fall now). 

Damnit Elle. Snap out of it. 

So IDK where that will go, waiting for him to ask me out again and take it from there...if he doesn't, then we won't have much to report now will we?

Other news:

Jake ghosted me. Not COMPLETELY but definitely cut the communication lines. We used to snapchat all day -- now it's never. We've texted here and there to meet up - it never happens. 

I'm glad it phased out easily. No awkward conversations about how he NEVER offered to buy me a drink....hallelujah. 

And I have saved the best for last -- 

My friend Ta who I went to visit in Turkey this summer just invited me to Spain to go to a wellness spa for a week. SHA Wellness and it looks and sounds INCREDIBLE. 

I am so tempted to go... I have to decide by tomorrow so he can book my flight but the timing is super tough.

Work's been filled with great things lately, I am prepping for my move (which technically I can do ahead of time to cut down on stress) but then I miss my very last week in my apartment that I adore so much....

It's dumb to forgo an insane, all expenses paid trip across the world to relax in luxury to spend one last week living alone buttttttt I am getting all sentimental. 

SNAP OUT OF IT ELLE. I am looking forward to the next chapter living with Arash and I pray after living with him, the next person I reside with will be my husband. So this very well could be my last moments of "single in the city" status....

I've been solo for so long, it's crazy to think about life in any other format...

But I have to embrace the change. 

And I have to decide -- go to Spain or don't go to Spain? 

HELP!

​xx
Elle

I am officially twenty-seven years old now. 
I am happy the actual "birthday" is over so I can start checking things off my big list of goals for the year. It's kind of like a fresh start -- and I am very, very ready for that. 

First major change being....
I am moving in with my Persian bestie Arash! 
We had discussed it a few times but the timing never worked out and NOW it is a done deal. Lease is signed, he's moved in and I move at the end of the month. 

It's kind of weird to go from living alone the past three years to having a roommate but I tend to get lonely and I think living with him will be the perfect cure to that. 
It also forces all of our friends to come to our apartment because you get two of us in one trip. We conveniently also have all the same friends now. 

Did I ever mention I had a 24 hour crush on Arash? Well, maybe 48 hour. He is a total babe (in my opinion) and before my annual summer white party, I was hell bent on kissing him while slightly intoxicated to see if I felt anything. 

Well, typical Elle -- I got way too wasted, we ditched my party, went to a different bar and I woke up the next day and my crush had evaporated. 

Our friends all seem to think that living together is going to lead to married with Persian babies running around. 
I find this hysterical because I do loveeeeeee his mom -- he has a nice family to marry into AND maybe my Farsi would improve. 
Jokes aside -- I really don't think anything is going to happen. As cute as we would be together -- Arash has an asian persuasionnnnnnn and likes really skinny chicks. 
He is also a tad feminine at times and is best kept in the friend zone. Hooking up would just totally mess up this perfect living situation we are about to have. 

Did I mention he loves to cook? Clean? Travel? 

I know - he does sounds prettttty perfect. 

I am excited about this next chapter of life. Living with a guy should provide some really hysterical blog material...Esp if I am constantly overhearing his hot, asian sex. 

 Stay tuned for more updates on my life goals for 27 as things progress.

Viva October! 
Happy Birthday to meeee!

Elle 

Zoe here, back to share more of the crazy dating and lifestyles of the Sunshine State. First things first, I'll give an update on my lovely date from few weekends ago. Aaron met up with me and my roomie for dinner with a few of my roomie's sister's friends. It was a bit awkward at first but after dinner the three of us hit up a few bars. Best and worst decision ever. It's been forever since I've had a night of drinks and dancing so I was a bit of a "lightweight", and when I say "lightweight", I mean probably 6 Ciroc Peach Vodka and Red Bulls. I should probably add that I paid for them. I would like to give Aaron the benefit of the doubt and say maybe it was because I was with my friend, but he should have paid for me at least and it would have been even better if he paid for my friend too, right? During our first "date" he did pay  but I only had one cheap drink... It was definitely the least he could do. He lost a few points but I'm hoping he'll redeem them somehow...When you're over 30, there are some things that should be STANDARD. Oh well... I really hope he steps up because he is a cutie. There a lot of those in the Sunshine State though....
Anyways... I mentioned the incident to one of my friends and she told me about a website that she uses to find "Sugar Daddies". Ew? Well, I signed up to see what it was about. Curiosity killed the cat? Satisfaction brought him back! There are some pretty impressive non-creepy men on there that claim they are just looking for either innocent fun, friendship or actual love... I was offered a date last weekend at an amazing (and very expensive) restaurant for drinks and conversation but I declined. I don't think I'll ever be a gold digger. It's a fun thought though....
I haven't ventured on Tinder in about a week and I'm sure I'll return in a few days....
I can't wait to find more profiles such as...

Alright so I MIGHT have really messed up my future with Cris because I was setting my standards of making plans a bit too high.

Friends have given me 50/50 mixed reviews so let me leave this one upto you to decide.

He texted Monday. It was good.
Nothing Tuesday.
Nothing Wednesday.
Thursday 12:30pm, "Hey, 8:30pm tonight work?"

Okay...am I some kind of loser who just keeps my entire evening free anxiously awaiting a text the day of our supposed second date? 
NO.

One friend said that for a 35y/o to make plans (mind you, I had no idea where we were going to meet etc) on the day of -- its just rude. 
That was my gut reaction too. 

Yes, I get that you asked me on the second date during the first. That was hot and awesome andddddd I give you kudos. 

But would it have killed you to text me Wednesday and say "hey let's do 8:30pm at xyz location." 

So I replied back saying, "I never heard from you so I made plans with a friend." 

That didn't go over well and he seemed instantly turned off. 

"Well, we made plans last Thursday on our date to see each other this Thursday so I thought that was sufficient." 

Well- it wasn't. And in the future, now he should know that I'd like some info prior to day of date. 

I told a guy friend about this and he said I was actively ruining things with this guy for NO valid reason and I should quickly text him and fix it. 

Well, shit. 

So I texted him Friday wishing him a good weekend, he was a little sassy back but still left things open for us to meet at some point this week...

This week is my birthday week, a huge work event, a birthday event and I have only one night semi-available....I had planned to get some rest that evening but now I feel like I should reschedule this date for that night and just do the damn thing. 

What do you think? 
I know I shouldn't just let a good guy go to waste because I was being rigid but I am so busy right nowwwwwww. 

Whineeeeeeee, whineeeeee, whineeeeeee.

Send help.

Elle

PS I hope everyone had an amazing weekend!

So I am trying something new on for size...
I haven't had sex since August, which for me - is a long time. Serial dating has perks, you know? 

But the more I go without it, the more I think I might abstain until I am engaged.
That sounds crazy considering I am not even dating anyone right now but I've never had a relationship like that (clearly) and it might be a breath of fresh air...

Or maybe no sex until monogamous for x amount of time? 

Gah. IDK.

Thoughts? Advice? 

Elle