I haven't been the most consistent (sorry I suck) but work took a sudden turn from manageable to quite busy and I've been running trying to keep up with everything. 

Except Tuesday, that rainy/dreary day. I decided to use the gift cert to a spa XF got me on a whim that afternoon and rejuvenate myself. SO WORTH IT. Thanks XF, you da bomb. 

Anyways - Miami is tomorrow! Can't freaking wait for some sunshine in a luxurious place. A change of scenery always motivates me to come back to DC and kill it at work. Especially when staying in a 3mil $ condo in South Beach...#GOALS. 

SO
I've been feeling kind of anxious as June approaches...

June 1 is 3 years of whatever you wanna call it with XF and I. 

Thats one SOLID year past when I said I'd stick around for that proposal...

Looking back....

June 1 2016. Two years or bust. That anniversary came and went without a ring and he knew he devastated me. I was a hot, sobbing mess. Mind you, I was fucking READY. Hair done, nails done, new outfits purchased. I wasn't gonna be caught off guard in a bad outfit for that moment. Well, that was a waste. I should've sent him the goddamn bills. 

I tell my family - they say give it until end of summer, getting engaged because of an ultimatum isn't a good way to do it. 

August 10 2016. I keep dreaming he took me ring shopping as a way to bide time, not actually prepare to poptheQ. I confront him via phone, we break up via text, the MOFO doesn't even try to call me later on to work things out. DONE, DONE, DONE, DONE. I sleep with Jake about five minutes later and then that saga begins. 

October 6 2016. XF crawls back during my birthday weekend when he sees me sitting on Jakes lap via Double Troubles snapchat story. Yeah, we orchestrate that shit well. (Nothing I do is without intention) 

December 2016. I finally agree to see XF. We go to Dallas, have a fun weekend and some terrible sex. I am thinking of Antonio the entire time. 

February 2017. Rami rendezvous & Antonio going back to his X. 

April 2017. Not thinking of Antonio all the time but he is the last person I slept with besides XF. (bathroom sex) Focused on XF and making this work for real. Am I ready for a June proposal? IDK. Will I ever be? With anyone? I view love and life in a realistic approach. I know that the butterflies and obsessed feelings fade for most people (not saying there aren't a few who still have it but its rare, just look at your parents. They love each other but they're not obsessed) AND that feeling of excitement I got with Antonio likely wouldn't last a lifetime. He'd start doing something irritating which would turn me off which would then effect our sex life and bam, we'd have issues. 

I know XF's issues and I think I'm OK with them. Sure, it's not perfect and I am not madly in love but I do love him. I always have. I think he's the right guy to do life with and I can't imagine marrying someone else. Soooooo I think the kinda love we have is a bit different than what most people have before a proposal/wedding. It's a realistic love vs a fantasy one. Most people don't go through Armenian hell and back to get a fucking ring either. But I've got my flaws and he accepts them too. 

I know it sounds like I am talking myself into this -- it's because I am. 

I get cold feet on EVERY guy I date. If I keep searching for Mr. Right/the feeling I had with Bobby - I likely may never find it. Even Bobby admitted he doesn't love Jello the way he loved me. 

Growing up is such a bitch but atleast now we have $ to go on fancy vacas and champagne the pains away.

Cheers to MIAMI!

xo xo,

Elle

Woof. Rainy, cold weather sure puts me right into a sleepy state. 

I love being productive, organized, etc but some days it really is struggle city. 

Today is one of them.

I am working and knocking things off my to-do list but meh, my desire to leave my apartment and run errands is non-existent. 

Anyone else ever feel this crazy weight of laziness? 

I don't even think I am working out today, that's how bad this is. 

Anyways, onto some life updates. 

Miami Saturday - cannot wait. Get me in the sunshine! I've been counting my macros religiously for almost three weeks and it's been tedious/addicting. I'm looking forward to this mini vacation where I don't track anything and just live lifeeeee freely. I really enjoy routines but I am super excited to break free of them for a few. 

This past Saturday was almost the first Antonio meets XF situation. I figured it is gonna happen eventually - Antonio and I are still friends, (we did a spin class together Thursday night) and we might as well get this meet and greet over with. 

I don't think it'll be weird because there's nothing left between A and I anymore. XF knows we've kissed, I didn't admit anything else because I didn't see the use in it. Had I said, yes we have slept together he would absolutely not be cool with us being friends at all and that just makes life more complicated than necessary. 

SO a big group of us are out and Antonio was on the way to meet us around 9pm with another girlfriend of his. We are in the uber and I get a call from him and he's frantic... "I just crashed my bike, lost my glasses, I'm bleeding, I hit my head." 

"Are you okay?! Do you need help? Where are you?"

"I'm wasted, I'm walking home but there is blood everywhere. Meet me at my house, just uber here. It's only 9pm, I can recover."

I am in an uber with five other people, no chance of a detour to save Antonio -- he'd be more embarrassed than anything if I did do that. So we get to the bar and I call him back to see if he needs me. I am a few blocks away and can easily uber over real quick to check on him. 

He insists he's fine and goes to bed. 

What kind of moron decides drunk biking is a good idea? Uber exists for a reason, good grief. 

However -
It's a blessing he didn't show up - a belligerent A would not make a good impression on the rest of the group, esp. XF.  

So they didn't meet. One day, one day... 

We were at this gay bar that I went to with Antonio once and the whole time I kept thinking about that time. 

On Saturday, I wanted to dance, XF refused. So I went and danced with other people and left him next to the tv to watch sports. 

When Antonio was with me, we were dancing, laughing, and having a really good time. His focus was 1000% on me, exactly how I want it.

Then I remember when I invited A to the holiday gala for Adi's birthday and how the music was terrible and so were the drinks yet he was still spinning and twirling me around the dance floor, laughing the entire time. 

That brought me back to the 2x I've taken XF to a gala...Simply put, I have WAY more fun with Antonio. 

That's the part that really sucks/is so frustrating. Antonio is a hot mess of a human being, likely why he is so much fun. 

XF isn't a mess. Now that we have weathered the storm of the Armenians, he's really become quite solid. Therapy has helped him tune in more and focus when I'm telling a story, etc. 

That being said - when I tell XF one of my ideas, I often get an eye roll. When I tell Antonio, he's always so encouraging. (unless it involves my yoga pants, then he's just a giant douche)

Why can't I find one guy who has it all? It sucks that XF's strengths are A's weaknesses and vice versa. If I could mesh them both together (& add 5 inches because neither are tall enough), I'd have the almost perfect guy. 

Smart, funny, successful, ambitious, sexual, impulsive, outgoing, stable, and intimate. 

When I pick XF I lose funny, sexual, impulsive, and intimate.

When I pick A (which isn't even an option but if it was), I lose smart, successful (he hates his job and to me there is more than $ involved with success), stability, and ambition. 

I know I'm not perfect and if someone meshed me with some other girl, they'd likely find the right mix too. But I am the one with the blog thus I'm writing my thoughts, for better or for worse. If you're reading this Antonio, sorry?

Woof. 

Heres to letting go of this idea of the "almost" perfect mate. 

xo xo,

Elle

PS I almost forgot to mention....XF and I went ring shopping Saturday. Our 3 years of knowing each other (can't say of 'being together' since we've broken up 14,000x) is June 1. Idk if I want a proposal any time soon but fingers crossed I figure that out. My aunt gave me some really good advice..."sometimes you just need to commit to something and then work your ass off to make it the best scenario. The good things take work so stop wallowing in indecision and jump in or jump out." After three years, I think it's time we finally fucking just do it and then continue to improve as we go. There's gotta be some significance in the fact that he is the ONLY guy I've ever dated that I couldn't seem to let go of (despite trying really fucking hard to).
When I think back to my ex's and I compare them to XF, it's not even a comparison. I went from dating mediocre losers (Bobby was a cheater/ total redneck family, Nate still hasn't left Ohio/likely never will, Liam's mom was still doing his laundry at age 31, & to this day Babak STILL hasn't moved out of his parents fucking house) to dating someone at the top of their game who is crazy smart, highly ambitious, very independent, and who wants the same things as me in life.
(kids, geographic location, etc) 

So if you wonder why I've held on to XF the past three years, there you have it. Even with his shit box family, he still tops my leader board x100. #doeshisownlaundry #cookshisownfood #hashisownapartment #smallvictories #whydoguysinthisgenerationsucksomuch? 

womp, womp, womp.

Bestie #1 couldn't find someone to take her shift and thus she isn't joining me for a girls weekend in Miami. 

soooooo sad. 

But as a few minutes ago, XF has changed his mind, used some airline points and jumped on it. 

Miracles do exist! 

1. We are staying at my clients 3 million dollar condo for free that includes a convertible. Soooo that's awesome.

2. The flight was $144 roundtrip, paying via points  = basically nothing. 

3. He will be studying during the day. I will be enjoying the sun, trying out different fitness studios, and keeping myself out of his hair (or lack thereof) until 5pm when he's done. 

4. I just made all these fun dining reservations because his favorite thing is food and trying new things so there's one less thing for him to think about & it's our favorite activity to do together. #fatkids #noshame

5. ITS MIAMI! 

2017 has been pretty good to me so far. Biggest accomplishment is paying off my loans in April vs August. Travel wise, it's been pretty great and only looks to get better.

So far: I've traveled to Puerto Rico, California, and next Miami. 

Hoping for an NYC weekend first weekend of June.

I likely will get to spend a week in Beirut when XF goes there in June to do an internship for three weeks (all I have to buy is a flight). 

October is my cousins wedding in California.

November is my cousins10th birthday in California.

December is a surprise trip for double trouble's 30th birthday. 

Overall, not too shabby on the travel front. Amazing how much less stressful planning is when you aren't dropping a shit load of $ on loans each month. 

2017 is my freaking year.
Getting after those goals and crushing them. I got my spin certification, next I want my group fitness instruction certificate, then I want to audition for flywheel and GET THE DAMN JOB. If I get past audition 1 you go through a six week training program and then you're a legit instructor. Fingers crossed! 

I am figuring things out with XF, slowly but surely. You can't build a life off orgasms. If you could, Rami and I would be a match made in sexy heaven. PS he snapchatted me a dick pic this AM...then followed up with, "I had a crazy dream about having sex with you last night and it was so amazing." 

Oh dear. Devil on my shoulder. 

Sure the sex is great but.... his job is mediocre, he lives with his parents, he somehow has CC debt despite living at home, he smokes weed, and needs to grow up. 

XF drives me up a freaking wall but after three years, I can't imagine not feeling that way. I can have a legitimate life with XF and at this stage, that's what I want. The fun and the games are great and dandy - I thrive being single but I want to start a family, move to California, enter the next phase, and the only person I've ever been able to envision doing that with is...XF. When I first met XF I knew that this semi short, not fit, bald guy was the one I wanted. After going through actual hell with and for him, I somehow still see it that way. I know this isn't the most romantic thing you've ever heard/read but marriage is gonna be hard and if we survived this, I kinda think the rest will be easy...Maybe that's naive but who really fucking knows. Marriage is a such a gamble.

So cheers to fucking insane future in laws and the most non-wedding ever. If he doesn't panzy out on proposing, this should all be very, very interesting....

2017 I came to slay ya.

xo xo,

Elle

PS if it doesn't pan out with XF, I won't be sad - I'll just know it really wasn't meant to be. Shit happens, ya'll. You get to a point where you're a lot less emotional about everything - my signif. other will never be the source of my happiness in life, only I am responsible for that. They'll either add to it or take away and if it works with XF, I am confident he'll add to my happiness. If it doesn't work with him, it will with someone else. So no point in stressin. :)

Comparing people solely on looks, a bad, bad way to go but I think it's safe to say, we all do it. 

Think about Blake Shelton. When he divorced Miranda Lambert and fell for Gwen Stefani, the world was thrilled. Gwen is way hotter than Miranda even though she's much older. He totally upgraded. (PS Gwen is my celeb crush so I am a bit biased)

The post where Antonio told me to "wear it better" and I referenced his ex gf being ugly af really got me thinking.

I'm sure she's a nice girl, likely someone I'd be friends with but when you see someone as competition - you instantly have to cut them down based on the only thing you can tell about them, how they look/dress. 

XF asked me this weekend if I think I am the prettiest out of my friends. Uhhhh NO, duh. But I also think I view my friends in a way others might not - I think they're all so gorgeous and that's because I know and love them. More proof, looks are enhanced with personality. XF thinks I am the prettiest because the guy is in love with me = enhanced view of me compared the the rest of the world. 

I look at my ex boyfriends wives. Bobby's is BUTT ASS UGLY - literally no redeeming qualities but he's super in love and happy with her sooooo she's obviously gotta have a great personality. 

Liam's lady used to be hot in her cheerleading days then turned quite frumpy/looks 45. But hey, here is tying the knot in a few days. (Oh joy) 

Let's take the focus off the ladies for a second. (Girls are judged way harder than guys, super unfair) 

If Antonio were to size up XF and compare himself - he'd surely laugh. XF isn't in shape, he is bald (but does bald well), and is hairy. (He is quite a bit taller than Antonio though) 

Then guys immediately size up careers (girls don't do this, we only care about looks).

Antonio is an attorney. XF is an MBA, MD. 

Who wins?

What does it take to make a guy feel insecure about another guy?

For girls, it's looks. If your ex boyfriend dates someone hotter than you after, you 100% feel like shit. If he dates someone uglier, you feel like you won at life. (story of my life as I am single, writing this post) ;)

My question is - WHY DO WE THINK LIKE THIS?? It's so unhealthy, my head is spinning. I am perfectly guilty of it - every time I see a photo of an ex with some ugly girl I instantly group chat it to my friends (that is, if they haven't already sent it to me first). 

I am trying to become a spin instructor and I am stressing out x 1000 about my body. I know the more visibly fit you are, the more people strive to be like you and want to take your class. I know I will be motivating and good at yelling at people to push themselves BUT if I don't look the part, I feel like I will fail. 

We place such a value on appearances - wouldn't it be amazing if we focused on personality/talent way before appearance? 

Sigh.

Random thoughts of the day. 

I am going to work on not being so judgmental (even though that judgment is what gives me my edge).

Wish me luck!

xo xo,

Elle

To give you super fresh content right now - here is the 2nd finance post, much sooner than anticipated. 

 Write about how you save/spend money as a millennial living in the DC area while running your own business. 

Washington D.C....The nations capital and also one of the most expensive cities to live in the United States. 

DC is a city close to my heart and I can't imagine being anywhere else at the moment. Five+ years ago I started my first business here and the longer I stay, the more I love it. (and that's a bold statement coming from a California girl) 

Saving money here is no easy task. I've made a few mistakes a long the way so I am going to discuss them as well as how I've recovered from them. 

1. Living solo. When I first moved to DC I had a roommate. Eventually I grew tired of sharing a tiny space and decided it was time to get my own tiny space. $2000 a month later, I had the pleasure of living alone but also the pain of paying for everything alone. You don't think about how much internet, TV, utilities, etc is until it's ALL on you. I quickly found ways to cut some of these costs. I never watched TV so I got rid of cable and internet. WHA? Who gets rid of internet? I had a giant data plan on my cellphone so I'd link that to my laptop when I needed to compute at home. That was $109 saved/month. I added a family member to my cellphone plan so I could split that cost 50/50. I only used my heat/AC when it was TOTALLY necessary, thus saving at least $30-$40 a month. I'd create meal plans and plan my groceries ahead so I could "fix" my food costs. Finally, I had an offer to move in with my best friend (Arash) and I said goodbye to solo lifestyle and to be honest, I couldn't be happier. My rent is now $1400 and our utilities split are about $40 per person. I no longer have to stress on my grocery bill and I'm saving over $500 a month! 

2. My car. I hate buying cars. I am a woman and I feel like the dealerships are out to get us all. It's stressful and just tediously terrible. When my car was totaled in an accident I was left scrambling to find a replacement. I decided to go with the car "I'd always wanted" and because it was SO specific, I got completely ripped off. I was single at the time and had no one to help guide me in negotiating a better deal. My advice to you is - if you know what you want, take someone with you who is ready and able to battle it out. Otherwise, a car is just a means of transportation, buy something cheap and save your $. 

3. Going out. When I first moved to DC we'd go to nightclubs and lounges every weekend, all weekend. Each drink was $15 and holy cow, it really starts to add up! As I've gotten older I've grown out of that scene (my bank account thanks me) and I've found ways to balance going out and saving $. I like to go "out out" one night a week. If friends want to get cocktails twice in a week, I always invite them to my house to do so. I'd rather supply the drinks at bulk than pay $15 for one when an entire handle of Tito's costs $23. Plus, having people over saves me $ in uber/parking. It's a win-win. The one night that I do go "out out" I let myself do whatever I want. You have to live a little! 

4. Food. I touched on this a little bit before but I used to hate cooking and thus would go grab a salad out every night. $11 a day for 7 days = $77, $308/month. Well guys, a salad is pretty much the easiest thing to make at home so finally I decided it was time to grow up, get to the grocery store and make things for myself. Not only do I save a TON of $$$ but I get a nice feeling of accomplishment for doing it myself.

What I will spend $ on without question: 

The gym. I used to belong to a gym that cost me $22 a month and was open 24 hours a day. Guess how often I went? Maybe twice a week. Now I pay $159 a month for a gym that only offers classes AND who charges you $12 fee if you don't show up. Guess how often I go? 5-7x a week. I utilize that membership like my life depends on it. The result? A more energetic, healthy, fit, and happy version of myself. I don't miss that $159 even for a second. 

My groceries. I refuse to eat poor quality food. I shop mainly at Whole Foods (or whole paycheck as some call it) and I don't apologize for it. (I supplement with items from Costco as well.) I think health is your wealth and it's important to eat mindfully (organic, non-gmo, etc) 

My point here is, spend money on the things that I won't feel a sense of regret about. I regret that car, I regret living alone for so long, I regret going to nightclubs and spending way too much on drinks. 

I don't regret my pricey gym membership, my one night out a week where I do whatever I want, cooking my own meals, and having a roommate whom I share expenses with. 

Nobody is perfect but you can improve as you go along. 

xo xo,

​Elle

A friend had asked me to guest blog on his finance blog a few months back and I decided I'd share the posts with you here. 

It's some decent life advice & a little more about me. 

(Apologies this has zero to do with dating) 

Write about your experience as a millennial/female entrepreneur. Why you did it, challenges you have faced, and how you make it work. 

What do you do when...you've just graduated college, can't find a job that doesn't make you wanna gouge your eyes out AND your students loans are due? 

You get creative or you get desperate. 

First, I was desperate. I took a job working retail that I vowed I would only do for 6 months while applying for "real" jobs. I desperately needed some $$ in the door to start paying Wells Fargo for my insanely expensive, out of state education. (PS if you are going take loans, do yourself a favor and go to a state school) 

Anyways, at month five I had a $300 paycheck for 80 hours worth of work and I had to make a change. I had been promoted to a stylist during my short duration (thank you sense of style and people skills) so I emailed my best client and said, "I have to get out of here, do you know anyone who needs a personal assistant?" She replied a few minutes later, "yes, I think we could. Come meet my husband on Monday." 

I drove 45 minutes to my clients house, stepped foot in the most beautiful home, chatted with my client and her husband for 20 minutes and before you know it, I had a new job. "Let's do 15 hours a week at $20 an hour...don't quit your retail gig." 

First thing I did was drive to the store I worked at and hand in my notice. 15 hours a week at $20 an hour was $300 a week for 25 less hours of work. THANK GOD! 

My first day on the job my task was to organize my clients closet. I went to the container store and as I was returning in the elevator a neighbor asked me if I was moving in. I told her I wasn't and that I was a professional organizer working on someone's closet in the building. She quickly exclaimed, "OMG I need you, do you have a card?!" I quickly stammered, "No, they are all in my car but let me write down my contact information and we can set up a consult for next week!"

A business was born and I hadn't even finished day 1! I quickly created business cards, overnighted them to myself, filed LLC paperwork and bam, my business was born. 

I went from barely paying my bills to thriving in the span of 24 hours. 

How did I do it? 

Some would like to give luck the credit but that couldn't be further from the truth.

1. Work ethic. I worked my ass of at that retail job and I stood out as a salesperson, had I slacked and felt sorry for myself, I wouldn't have met my first client who gave me my start. 

2. Timing. You never know when your big break will be so just keep doing things to push yourself in the right direction.

3. Thinking on my feet, always. When I first started my business, I had never organized a closet or professionally planned a party but I never let anyone know it was my first time. You learn by experience so I did everything to the best of my ability and just kept building on that. I never let my clients see my sweat and I always put 100% effort in. At first when my business had just taken off, my assistant and I worked every single weekend to keep up with the demand. You do what you have to do. 

4. Positive thinking. I have always envisioned myself as a successful, entrepreneur who had the ability to create her own schedule and plan beautiful events. I never envisioned a life spent in a cubicle and thus, I haven't lived that life since my college intern days. You have to think and dream big. You are really your only obstacle in life. 

5. Listen. People will tell you what they need. Listen to what that is and then learn to anticipate their needs before they realize they need it. Become an asset to your organization/client. The easiest way to achieve that is to listen. 

January 20th marked five years of being a successful business owner. I am four months away from paying off a massive student loan 100%(this article is old so now you know, THAT SHIT IS PAID), I own the car I've always wanted, I live in a desirable location and I no longer live paycheck to paycheck. It has been extremely scary at times but there is nothing quite like the thrill of paving your own path. 

To those of you who are thinking about starting your own gig  - it's not for everyone. If you don't handle stress, rejection, and instability well - then stick with a more mainstream career. No path is better than the other. It's crucial to know your strengths and weaknesses and be honest with yourself. For example, I know I am not a morning person thus I avoid really early meetings. I'd rather work until 7/8pm than start my day at 7am and that is OK. 

-----------
The second post I wrote for him will be up next week so stay tuned. 
​
xo xo,

​Elle

Antonio invited me to lunch today. Two thursday lunch dates in a row. (Sorry Megan, I didn't know if he texted you or not and I was running late so I didn't) 

It was good. Conversation always flows well between us and despite his terrible golf outfit, he looked cute. (He went golfing before work) 

We were discussing his boat and somehow boat shoes came up. I then mentioned that I despise them, "what are you, a frat boy?"

He was shocked boat shoes weren't cool anymore. I then explained Mia asked if she could wear hers on a date tonight to which I text screamed, NO!!!!!!!

Bitches, wedges and boat shoes GOTTA FUCKING GO. 

Anyways, we finish up and I head to my next appointment. 

About an hour later I get a snaptext of screenshots from articles in MensHealth discussing how douchey boatshoes are in adulthood. 

"See, Elle is always right." 

Somehow this leads to other items of clothes and then finally to this.

A: "Well you need to burn all of your workout attire and invest in Lululemon."
E: "Is that so?"
A: "Yes, yours is terrible. I'll burn the boat shoes with your entire workout wardrobe and we can toss in Mia's shoes too."
E: "That's hilarious. Maybe I just don't look good in yoga pants."
A: "No, I don't think that." 
He then sends me a photo of a super hot girl with giant boobs wearing workout shorts and a sports bra
A: "You'd look good like that."
E: "When my abs arrive, I'm all about it. Til then..."

So before I walk out the door to the gym I snap him all of my Lululemon pants (that are all soulcycle which is a direct competitor of flywheel thus I can't wear them to fly classes because I am trying to get hired by fly)
E: "See asshat, I own plenty of Lulu."
A: "Well maybe you need to wear it better."
E: "Wow Dbag."

SAY WHAT MOTHERFUCKER? 

I need to wear my clothing "better?" 

HAVE YOU LOOKED AT YOUR EX LATELY? EVERY OUTFIT OF HERS ON FB IS COMPLETE SOCCER MOM STATUS GARBAGE AND YOU THINK I NEED TO PURCHASE A BUNCH OF OVERPRICED WORKOUT GEAR AND THEN "WEAR IT BETTER"? 

You've gotta be fucking kidding me. 

I bet your ex workouts like 1x a week while I sit here and bust my ass every damn day trying to hit my goals. Lemme know when you or her become spin instructors. Caaaaaan't wait to take your class and check out your attire. 

I asked Mia if I was taking this the wrong way and she assured me I wasn't. That was a dick thing to say. 

As everyone knows, I like A. 

Well now I want you all to know, I like him a bit less. 

To wearing my clothes any damn way I please.

Middle finger in the air.

xo xo,

​Elle

His reply: 

In regards to living together, I told you I'd like one of two options - and these are the only options I see feasible. 1) We live together in DC, with one apartment, and I do the commute every day. When needed, I would get a hotel room in xyz or crash somewhere for a night. 2) We both have places in our respective cities and I spend Fri, Sat, and Sunday night with you - and on weeks when I'm not on the consult service (the busiest and most intense), I make it a point to come down at least one time in the middle of the week. I don't like the idea of renting a bedroom in a house with a bunch of strangers - the thought of living with people I do not know at the age of 32 is NOT appealing. I feel this is a compromise as I'd be spending 4/7 nights with you in DC. I sense your biggest concern is being able to afford something in the xyz neighborhood/having something big enough/having a place that's "ours". If I'm there every weekend, I will definitely have a lot of stuff there. I've looked into multiple other apartment buildings in xyz that I would consider living in and the cheapest available is less than 150 less than what I'm paying now. This is not worth moving for. I could cancel my parking in UW and use those savings in addition to further contributions to help pay for the place in DC. These are compromises that I'm willing to do. As I've said, I do NOT want to live with random people or be holed up in an old row home.


I'm sorry that Greece did not work out. It's a country I've always wanted to visit. There will be many opportunities in the future to travel all around the world - this hellish process I've embarked on is almost over and hopefully we'll be able to see the benefits soon. In regards to Miami, you're right I can study while I'm there. I'm just really nervous about this test and don't want to fail then look back and say "man, if i hadn't gone to miami would I have passed?". I will be able to study there as long as I'm not distracted. I also don't want you to be disappointed if I don't hang out/am not fun during the day. I don't plan on studying all night, as you correctly pointed out I currently don't, so we'd have plenty of time to explore then./ I've been ok with going and have been waiting for you to send me the flight info like you said you would. You found the flights for $144 and I thought that is what we were going to do.

In regards to the sex, its definitely something we still need to work on.

On other notes, it upsets me when you tell me I'm not making any efforts to further this relationship and to turn us around and get us on the right track. I've been working really hard on changing who I am as a person and not doing things that upset you. As you've pointed out, therapy has done wonders and you like the new XF you see. It also really upsets me when you complain about me not being "affectionate" or being cute and lovey/dovey with you. You made this point last Friday night. I feel I'm a lot more physical with you in public and show a lot more PDA than i used to. 

Over the past few months, I've made many many changes to help improve us. I don't talk back as much, I pay attention, I focus, I live in the moment, I'm more open publicly with my affection, I don't talk about sports, the Warriors have taken a back seat, I listen to you, I don't try to problem solve, I don't team up with Arash against you, I'm always supporting you, and I don't poke/try to rile you up as much. I continue to go to therapy to keep working on these skills. However, I feel none of this is enough for you. You keep asking for more and more and more. My concern is these demands will never end and I'll never be able to satisfy you the way you desire. Instead of looking at the big picture, I always feel you're nitpicking with what I do. I'm always trying to be careful with what I say/how I say it because I don't want to offend you. The way I say things gets turned and used against me, when in reality, I mean no harm with what I say. It has become very frustrating b/c I feel I live/walk on pins and needles around you, in constant worry that I'm going to do/say something that upsets you. It's really tough. 

Yes, I've brought a lot of faults to the table, but I'm wholeheartedly working on fixing them. You have faults too, but I accept them and don't complain about them. You know I'm working hard to better everything, so please give me a little slack on some things. 

I love you.


Le SIGH. 

My reply: 

I understand your views and I respect them. 

I am dropping living together and traveling. Yes, it'd be nice to have a larger apartment for next year - you hated my old apartment (and weren't shy in expressing that) so I am trying to avoid that if you are actually going to spend 3/4 days a week with me. But I will do my thing, you do yours, and we will see where it leaves us. I've expressed my unhappiness with the situation and that is all I can do. 

I can sign my old apartment for $1895 right now. If I move back, I expect to hear zero complaints about the parking, the commute, the size of the apartment. Deal? 

I don't need the guilt of you doing poorly on boards blamed on me/Miami. You sit this one out, I've invited others and I already purchased my ticket. 

The sex thing will improve when you make the effort that you talk about but never actually follow through on. 

You have made a lot of changes, I'm sorry there are still things I'd like to see changed -- I am sorry I do things to upset you too but I have tried to be better/do better. I am always working on myself and will continue to do so. 

Don't walk on eggshells. Be yourself. I simply ask you think before you speak (something I feel you rarely do). How you say something is almost more important than what you said. 

I will continue to try and be better at the above as well.


So that was a USELESS exchange of words. Off to the gym to work off my dissatisfaction with EVERYTHING.

xo xo,

​Elle

I have 7 more days in my month trial with XF. 

We have had great sex once. (when wasted) 

We have had mediocre sex at least five times. 

We have went to some great restaurants and had some fun times. 

We have plans this weekend. 

We have discussed living together post the 30 day trial. We either need to do the damn thing or we need to cut the shit and just agree to be friends. 

I am fucking frustrated. 

Here's an email I just sent him, I will explain more after. 

XF,

I am a bit frustrated. I feel as if I am the one trying to progress things with us - exploring options involving living together, ways to spice up the sex life, traveling together (Miami & Greece) and I am tired of being the one steering the ship.

I feel as if you aren't taking any steps towards trying to at least compromise on these things. 

Travel. Miami is basically free and I get the timing isn't the best but it is completely possible for you to study outside of xyz - you just need to hone in and focus. Instead, I am going solo and inviting other friends to join because I don't need the guilt trip of you not working to your capacity in Miami. Quite frustrating considering all you need to do is regiment yourself and we could easily enjoy a mini trip together but you don't think you can/won't. If you were so serious about studying then maybe you'd not be going to the bar every night and the Warriors would take a back seat until boards are done but you always have time for those things - makes me sad you can't find a happy medium to going to Miami with me. 

Living together. There are ways to meet in the middle. None are "ideal/perfect" but it's better than the status quo we have now. THIS right now is not gonna cut it for me for another year. I need this relationship to progress or I need to move on with my life, it's one or the other. Why can't you look at other places and see what we can accomplish? I shouldn't have to do it all - you have time to make dolmas, go drinking/eating with friends, so why can't you spend some time working on our future?

Sex life. I've asked you how many times to buy lube? Or sex toys or WHATEVER to switch things up. You have amazon.com, you have CVS, you aren't taking any initiative and like I've said MANY times - having to be the instigator, turns me off. Want to please me when going down on me, watch a video on getting your partner off every time and learn some new tricks. If you want me to enjoy the sex when you're not wasted, you need to put in the effort. 

Best,

Elle

---------

Alright so we have discussed traveling. He said he'd come to Miami then decided he wouldn't get enough studying done there and it was a bad idea. I dropped the discussion (I don't need to be blamed if he bombs his medical board exams) but also, you really can't study in the sun? He isn't studying 12 hours a day. IDK, it's annoying. Praying bestie#1 comes, we could totally use some spontaneous girl time. (I'd prefer her to join vs him TBH anyways) 

Living together. We went apartment hunting, found one we really liked and he tested the drive to determine how bad the commute would be.

It wasn't ideal and thus he threw in the towel. 

My suggestion was - he rents a less expensive apartment, we rent the one we like in DC and the $ he saves on his other apartment, we put into the DC one and I'll pay the rest. Then we have a shared space, there's no more Arash crashing our privacy, and he spends 3-4 nights in the DC place but has a place to crash near the hospital for late nights, etc. 

He hated this idea. Which I cannot understand. It wont cost him anymore $$ and it gives him piece of mind knowing he doesn't have to drive back to DC every single night if he's tired and doesn't want to. 

So we will have been together for FOUR years before actually living together? June 1 marks three years of this on/off relationship. 

The game plan is to move to California end of June 2018 once he finishes fellowship. SOOOOO four years together and then living together for the first time as we move across the country? 

What if it's a total disaster? I'd rather find that out NOW vs in another year, and in a new city. 

Sex. It's great when he's wasted and his inhibitions are gone. Sober? I'm sleeping just thinking about it. He said we should spice it up, sex toys, etc. I said - you need to take the initiative on that - I HATE being the one in charge in the bedroom. I am a boss bitch in every other arena of my life, please just let me NOT be the boss in bed too. I asked last weekend if he'd bought lube... "No I forgot." "You know they sell that at CVS right....?" "WHAT? Lube at CVS!?! That's so crazy, no way!"

Excuse me while my eyes roll into the back of my head. 

Single ladies, go for a guy with a lot of sexual experience. The innocent guy who has slept with six people before you is A PAIN IN THE FUCKING ASS. 

Let's wait and see what he has to say in response....

ta ta for now.

xo xo, 

Elle

The best way to describe Arash. 

Last night he stampedes into my room, "Elle, don't let me go on dates with any more 25 year olds, that was the worst date ever!"

I have told him countless times that a 31 year old has no business dating a 25 year old because in DC, these two ages want VERY different things. 

buttttttttt
He keeps fucking doing it.

Over and over and over and over again. 

Three 25 year olds in a week, guys.

Some guys just love wasting their time and money. He is apparently the president of that club. 

"I am not your babysitter and you are your own worst enemy. You keep making the same mistakes hoping for a new result and that is stupidity at its highest level." 

This guys has a few different masters degrees, loves to read books, watch the news, read the news, watch documentaries, and overall just geek out. 

Despite all of this, he is still one of the dumbest people I know. 

Harsh Elle, harsh.

I know it is, but it's true. 

He is the perfect example of book smart with zero common sense. This guy is so fucking aloof
IT KILLS ME. 

He leaves dirty dishes in the sink every damn day. Crumbs everywhere, cleans once every 3 months (I do it 1x a week because I can't stand dirty shit), and I've been taking his laziness personally now for awhile. (If you want to see the snaps I send everyday, comment or email me your snapchat username)

But you know what, he is just fucking aloof. He has NO idea that him being a dirt ball offends me. He does shower twice a day so to him, all is good in the world. 

I clean my room once a week and I do mean CLEAN. Vacuum, wash bedding, towels, rugs, etc. 

I deep clean where the liter box is kept, scrub down my bathroom, you get the picture. (Minus the shower, I hate cleaning the fucking shower)

This is just part of adulting and being a responsible roommate in my opinion. If Arash walked into my room everyday and it was a disgusting shit hole, he would start to view me as a disgusting shit hole -- and who could blame him?! 

So while he has read far more books than I ever care to, he is a total moron about how to get ahead in life (or even keep up). 

He talks about wanting a new job and how much he hates his yet the effort he puts towards finding something new is laughable. 

I love him but I also kindaaaa hate him. 

Sorry for that rant but I had promised I'd expound a bit on what's been up with us lately, so atleast that's off the to-do list. 

I've got some stories headed your way, stay tuned.

xo xo,

​Elle

From the bomb I dropped on the last post, let's get back into the juicy shizzzzz.

Anyone remember that Persian toad I went on one date with and decided to friendzone? 

IDK if I named him but if not, say hi to Nima. Nima and I actually became friends and to my surprise, he's actually super cool and hilarious. 

IDK why the first date was so meh for me but goes to show, sometimes you can jump the gun in judging someone. 

He's officially part of my friend group now and I couldn't be happier about it. 

Moral of that story - don't jump the gun on date one AND how many tinderfellas are now my tinderfriends? I HAVE A TALENT PEOPLE. 

I had lunch with Antonio last Thursday. 

It was supposed to be just him and I but at the last moment I texted our friend Megan (the one who is writing a crazy story for ya'll, prepare for a 3 piece, 3 week saga) and she ended up joining. 

He fucking wore a suit, guys. 

He knows suits and tuxes are my weakness. Aghhhhhh. 

When I saw how hot he looked I wanted to take a quick bathroom detour (if ya know what I mean)

Lunch was PG. He mentioned shits still highly confusing with the ex but that it likely won't workout long term (but they are still having sleepovers and hooking up) sooooo basically not much has changed. 

He said maybe he will finally let her go if he meets someone new. 

To that I replied, "that's really unfair to any girl you do that to and I would know considering I was one." 

So yes, when I look at him I still really wanna fuck him. 

But as the time passes, the luster does fade. 

Pretty soon, he will be a figment of the imagination and strictly in my tinderfella friendzone.

Speaking of that, maybe I need a new category on the sidebar for the tinderfriend zone....

Podcast update: MY EQUIPMENT GOT LOST IN THE MAIL. WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE APRIL 6. SPOILER ALERT: IT'S NOT HERE. 

Onto other things that annoy me deeply, Arash.

I AM SO CONFLICTED. I love my apartment and the price I pay in rent. If I move, price jumps minimum $600 a month. Perk of that - I don't have to clean up after an aloof moron anymore and we might actually be able to stay friends. Downside - less $ saved for when I move to California. 

Ummmm in other GIANT news - I made my laaaaast GIANT student loan payment last Friday and as of Monday, MY NAME IS CLEARED! Fuckkkkkk you Wells Fargo, I never have to see you agaiiiiiiin. 

Paying off $88k before the age of 30 (im only 28) and in five working years is pretty fucking exciting. It's been a BEAST to do but now ITS OVER! G remembers the freak outs I had about being able to pay my rent and my loans some months. I had some points of real, scary, struggle. 

I portray a very put together, posh life so this whole student loan thing is likely a giant surprise to most people. Lately I am allll about letting cats outta bags I guess?

No fucks 2017. 

Anyhoo- I am tired but I have ALOT more on Arash to tell you (none of it being good) and some love life updates (none of them being great). 

Lovvveeee yaaaa.

xo xo,

​Elle

I can count the people who know what I am about to disclose on one hand. 

It's my best kept secret and why I've now decided to share, I really don't know. 

I've thought about it but always decided that it would be too intense and people weren't here for intense, they were here for dating disasters and bad life decisions. 

Well friends, we are about to get deep. So if you want to tune out now, I don't blame you. 

It was my freshman year of college and Bobby had just cheated on me on my birthday. We broke up and I was lost. He was always my protector and partner in crime, without his presence in my life everyday I had no idea what I was doing. 

That's when I became close with Adam. Yes, his name is actually Adam and he's an asshole which is why I have no problem disclosing that. 

Adam played hockey with my first boyfriend waaaay back in the day, the guy I had coffee with this summer. I can't remember what I named him but anyways, I knew Adam from middle school. 

He was a year ahead of me at University and when he saw I was at the same school, he sent me a message on facebook. 

We'd hungout a handful of times with his frat friends and my roommate (while I was still dating Bobby) and we had a good time. He was my entry into the college party scene and I was grateful to have him. 

School started end of August, Bobby cheated October 6th, and after that, Adam moved right on in. 

He knew something was up with me because after Bobby cheated I wanted to go out every damn night. I was distraught and betrayed, I had NO idea how to handle it so Adam was the guy I leaned on. 

One night we go out and my roommate went out with some of our dormmates so it was just me, Adam, and his roommate. We go out to a bar, dance the night away, and finally they walk me back to my dorm. 

They ask to come in and I said sure, this was not uncommon. We get to my room and before I can blink, they attack me. Both of these guys are hockey players, my gym habits hadn't begun yet, and I was helpless. I was scared to scream because I didn't want the entire dorm knowing, I was scared to move, I was scared to do anything. 

Long story short, I was raped. x2 I guess. 

It stopped when my roommate was unlocking the door and the guys quickly pulled their jeans back up. I acted as if nothing had happened, they left, I pretended to go to bed and that was it. 

I was too scared to tell anyone because I didn't want to be the dumb freshman girl, two months into college who cries wolf/rape. What if people didn't believe me? If they did, they'd always look at me differently. I didn't want THIS to define my college experience. 

So I said nothing. To no one. To this day, only three people know what happened that night and they didn't find out til years later. I pulled myself together and I kept on, keeping on. 

Adam asked me the next day via AIM how much I remembered of the night before. I didn't answer. He knew what he had done. I never saw or heard from him again after that. 

Fast forward to second semester junior year, Cairo Egypt. 

I go to a party where a ton of rich kids from my study abroad university are, all Egyptians. I'm with my girlfriend Elena and we are having a great time. A gorgeous Egyptian guy comes up to me and introduces himself, meet Shady. The party is dying down and he invites Elena and I to his villa for a big after party. This is not uncommon in Cairo (we stayed out til 7am all the time) so we said sure, why not. His driver picks us all up and we go. 

We arrive at a giant mansion wayyyyy on the outskirts of Cairo. I have no clue where I am because he had a personal driver so I didn't have to tell a taxi an address. 

We walk in to his section of the villa and it's empty.

"So where is everyone??"

"Ah, coming soon. Want a drink?"

We both say yes, a vodka soda. 

He has a full bar, it shouldn't be hard to do...

"Oh, all I have is wine."

He pours Elena and I a glass. Elena drinks it with ease and I sniff it. It smells completely rancid, no chance I'm drinking it. (I'm also not drunk)

Within a few minutes, Elena is fast asleep on the couch. 

Shady sits down next to me and starts kissing me.

He's cute, why not? 

Then he says lets do this in my bed which is a few feet away. 

We get in his bed and keep kissing. 

All the sudden he is trying to rip my dress off.

"Stop, stop, I don't want to sleep with you!"

"Shhhhh"

As he takes off his pants. 

I get up to try and run away when he grab my leg and I fall to the ground. He drags me back to the bed and slams me down on it. I am screaming to wake Elena who is in THIS room. Surely she can hear me, I just need her to wake up. 

She's not moving. 

He takes his dick and shoves it inside of me and I scream louder and cry. Why can't Elena hear me?! 

Finally I get my leg to a point where I can kick him off, I jump off the bed and run to the couch and shake Elena. 

She starts to groggily move her head. I grab her arm and refuse to let go. 

He tries to drag me back and I scream for him to leave me alone. 

After what feels like forever, he leaves the room. I shake Elena harder, we have to go, we have to go, GET UP!!!!!!

She can barely move, I don't understand it in the moment but later I realize the rancid wine was drugged. He thought I drank it and didn't expect resistance from me when he made his move. 

I thank God x100000 I didn't take a sip that night. 

Finally I drag Elena outside and we get into Shady's drivers car. We wait, hoping the driver will come out. It's 8am. 

No one appears and we have no idea where we are. Elena walks up and pounds on the front door until Shady's sister comes out, looking confused. She calls the driver out and we go. 

I tell Elena what happened. She can't believe she slept through it and couldn't save me. 

I am in absolute shock. 

I remember bbming Bobby in America and explaining what had just happened. We broke up freshman year but he still was everything to me and I didn't know where to turn. 

I made the giant mistake of telling my closest friend in Cairo, Nadine. Nadine then told others and before I knew it, the entire campus knew what had transpired. 

Worst part - 
NO ONE believed me. 

Shady was a great looking guy and I had gained weight abroad, definitely wasn't at my hottest. No one believed he'd ever go for me. He told everyone, "Elle, no way, she's fat I would never even look at her." 

Everyone believed him. Even my friends and my roommates. The only one who knew the truth was Elena. 

I couldn't focus. I could barely make it on campus to classes. My Egyptian history professor noticed something was wrong and held me back after class one day.

"Your work is slipping and you are distracted, what is going on?"

I finally broke down and told her everything. She took me straight to the Provost of my school and made me tell her. 

The Provost called the US Embassy and the school therapist. 

The embassy researched Shady and his family and told me that if I tried to press charges, they were so wealthy - I'd 100 percent lose. Instead, they offered to pay to send me back to the US early to my family. I declined. I loved Cairo and I bought my mom a flight to come at the end of the semester to see Egypt and then do Europe together, I couldn't cancel my moms dreams of finally going abroad for the first time in her ENTIRE life because something terrible had happened to me. 

So therapy it was. Twice a week, every week, until my semester was over. 

Knowing I had my therapist made going to campus and facing these people who thought I was a fat, ugly, liar - a bit easier. 

I barely passed my classes to get transfer credit (school in Cairo was easy as fuck and I love school so that is saying something)

She kept commenting how well I was handling it all. 

But what other choice did I have??

Truth is, I never handled it. I bottled it up and sent it away to a deep, dark place with my freshman year experience. 

But

I still think about this daily. 

The therapist told me that moving forward, I needed to be able to tell everyone I date what had happened to me. Little did she know, this had happened to me freshman year and that was almost worse. 

In time, I told my parents. I told boyfriends. I even told Antonio about the Cairo experience. 

What happened freshman year, no one knows except you all. 

Why am I writing this now for the world to see? 

Well, if I can let this "secret" go -- I think I can really come to peace with it all. Or atleast something closer to peace?

Sometimes I think this is why I am so sexual and why I value a strong sexual connection with someone. I want to feel safe but I more so want to feel desired. 

Being mocked for being the fat, ugly girl who could never snag a guy like Shady really fucked me up. 

It led to a bought of bulimia when I returned to the States. My whole first semester of senior year was filled with binging and purging. 

Destructive habits have never been a part of me and I knew I needed a change which is why I applied on the last day to our schools DC program. I was accepted and spent my final semester in Washington where I kicked the bulimia and felt like I had a very fresh start. 

Rape is a terrible thing.
It fucks with your head for years to come and I don't know what the solution to "making it better" is. Telling people what happened is worse than the actual rape. People want to blame you. People don't want to pin it on the perpetrator, they want to blame the stupid, young girl and it's fucking fucked up. Even my girlfriends in Cairo weren't on my side. "Are you sure that's what really happened?"

WHY THE FUCK WOULD I MAKE THAT UP? I didn't want the attention, I didn't ask you to tell fucking everyone Nadine. I DIDN'T WANT THIS ON MY CONSCIENCE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

It really makes you hate everyone.  

When I think back, it doesn't feel real. I know it was but now, it seems like a story I'm telling vs a traumatic life experience I lived through. 

Anyways, there you have it. 

Welcome back to LINARC.

xo xo,

​Elle

HIIIIII LOVERS!

Okay I got a ton of emails asking when we are returning and why we went on hiatus. 

1. Hiatus was due to some security measures that my guru friend needed a little bit of time to take care of, we are now secure. 

2. Finallllly back and so sorry for the delay. I hateeeee pauses in content. 

Luckily, not tooooo much has happened in the absence of LINARC. 

Podcast equipment was backordered so that should be arriving this week, HOOOORAH. I am actually considering transitioning to the podcast 100% and leaving the blogging behind. 

Thoughts?? 

Whats new in the world of Elle?

I have been really focused on giving XF chances to not drive me bat shit insane and it's been going pretty well. 

We got drunk one night and had insanely good sex so that was a giant relief to know IT IS FUCKING POSSIBLE! 

Since that night though...it's been pretttttty bland. 

Too bad alcoholism is a real thing or else I'd insist he rip shots on an empty stomach before we hookup. I kid, I kid. 

So he's been okay. We've seen a little bit of each other and it's been good. I said on March 20th lets give this a 30 days trial run and see how we do. 

We are 14 days away from completion so basically 50/50 mark and it's been fine. There is still stuff to work on but I think around the 3 year mark of dealing with anyone, you run into things you need to work on. 

I am doing a lot of self development work. Taking a writing course, a business class, and a social media marketing course. I am getting spin instructor certified on Saturday. I am about five minutes away from my student loans being paid off 100% (Monday, Monday, Monday). I was supposed to be done in August but I said fuck it, I want this done now and I pulled a buncha $ together and sent it off. Feels good even though my bank account looks so sad. 

So anyways, I've been working on myself ALOT in 2017. XF called the other night and asked what I was upto. I said I'm working on my writing course and he laughed and rolled his eyes. 

Ummmm...How is me improving my skill set laughable? If we do this forever I need to know you will be my #1 supporter. What the fuck was that? So naturally I ended the convo quickly and got back to what I was doing. 

His stupid eye roll is nothing I am not used to but it really pissed me off. So I texted him and was like, that was some bullshit - not all of us are trust fund kids who had all the education they wanted handed to them on a silver fucking platter - I'd loveeeee an MBA but these student loans from undergrad were beast enough that I refuse to get into debt again - don't be a dick head. 

He felt really bad and kept saying how he is so proud of me and impressed by me. Well bozo, actions speak louder than words. Get on my team or go the fuck away - once and for all. 

Arash is still driving my absolutely fucking insane. He was gone for two weeks for work which was SO NICE! I went apartment shopping for something for myself and enjoyed every second of quiet time. I think our living situation has run its course. I am torn because I do like my apartment, moving is a bitch and the price is so, so good here. But on the other hand, I am ready to live solo and do me again. IDK what I'll end up doing but I need to decide soon. 

Oh and the Urban Dater published our shoe story but they edited the fuck out of it and it doesn't sound like me/is really stupid now so I don't recc. reading it. Super fail Urban Dater, super fail. (the link is tweeted if you are interested) 

 I have some Mia updates coming your way and a giant story from Megan that I am contemplating saving for the podcast because it's fucking insanity. 

So happy to be back.

Talk to ya tomorrow. (or maybe later today)

xo xo,

Elle

PS I am also on another infamous tinder hiatus until April 20th. Giving XF some real attention for the month.