So I decided I should ask a professional about this sex situation. I found an online therapy thing and so I signed up last night and sent a message.
You all already know the issue, so here's the answer.
"Normally what happens with sex is something is not working outside of the bedroom and it spills over into the bedroom impacting your sex life. Meaning something within the relationship is not working well and that issue has not been resolved, it then impacts your sex life. For him it could be an issue with his family not accepting you, or it could be something else and he is not talking or something else within you too. But there are problems within the relationship that has not been resolved, or issues not spoken about on either side, there are some deep feelings and emotions that are running strong on both sides that are affecting your sex life. My strongest suggestion would be to seek out couples counseling and discuss this issue prior to marriage if that is the direction of the relationship. It sounds like you both connect well, he is a good guy and has many qualities you want in a man but there is a problem that you both have to face and address, something that is being ignored and it is blocking you from having a good sex life. It can be worked on through therapy, not just him but you too. It really sounds like it could be his family and them not accepting you and your religion. Of course, if there is something you want to address that is an issue or a deep feeling, you can share here. It could be something within you that is an issue, within him, that is an issue or both, but it has to come to the surface and worked out to come to a resolution. At that point, the sex may improve when issues are resolved, or certain emotions are exposed and talked about. I hope all this makes sense."
Well, our entire relationship evaporated because we couldn't agree on when we were going to move forward with the rest of our life. I needed the commitment and piece of mind this summer and he wasn't ready to give it to me then.
Now he's ready to give it to me and I'm not ready to take it because our sex life puts me to sleep.
When we hook up, I'm already wishing it was over. When I hook up with Jake or Antonio, I am enjoying it and really in the moment.
The difference? I have zero history or baggage with Jake and with Antonio. We haven't dated for two+ years or fought for two+ years. I don't know their crazy families, I don't know a lot of things about them that could possibly lead us to a stressful road.
I know Jake wouldn't be willing to get engaged for a long ass time and I know that down the road, I'd be really frustrated by him not having his shit together and being ready to take the next steps THUS I didn't date him. I KNEW that despite our chemistry and how enjoyable he is to be around, down the line I'd be resentful that here we go again, another x amount of years and you aren't ready to commit because you haven't made your millions yet.
Would I date Jake if he had hit his professional goals? Or at least some of his professional goals? Maybe. From what I've heard, his parents are really sweet, open minded people. His brother is lovely and Jake is a sweetheart. Family issues seem minimal for once in my life. We get along, we both want to travel, we don't want to live in the suburbs, and we both want kids. I also find him attractive (so tall with the best jaw line, smile, and shoulders) and the sex is good. But this whole, I have to make my first million before I even think about marriage thing is so immature and I'm really too old for it and that's reality.
(aka deal breaker)
Antonio. Ahhhh Antonio. (Not saying we are at that level, this is purely for comparison value) Has a gigantic family that is VERY religious. I have a gigantic family that isn't religious... I am never going to become super religious so would his parents ever really like me? Sure, I expect they'd meet me and be nice to me. But that doesn't mean they'd like or love me. I guesssss that beats a family that refuses to even meet me and a brother who won't speak to me or look at me when sitting in the same room? Who knows also what other issues we'd face down the line. Maybe it'd just be small stuff that wouldn't impact our sex life but you really never know. Antonio hates his job much like Liam did and honestly, it's awesome dating guys like XF and Jake who both love their careers and don't feel suffocated by them...the job thing sounds small but in the bigger scheme I think it'd take a toll on me too...seeing someone miserable at work, living for the paycheck and feeling unfulfilled...that leaves a heavy weight on a partner because you are then responsible for creating the majority of the fulfillment in their life. You only have so much free time, ya know?
You hear about peoples sex lives suffering in marriage and it makes sense. Liam and I had the sex issue. It was great at the beginning and then by the end, I didn't want him at all. I remember cringing when he'd touch me because I was so checked out mentally. He was such a mommas boy and that was not attractive. I remember looking at him thinking, damn this guy is gorgeous what the hell is my deal?? I think we want to view men as strong, powerful, badass providers. When you see a man look weak or look to his mom for everything, you begin to rapidly lose sexual appeal. Anyways, this issue is not uncommon. That is all I do know with certainty. That being said, I never didn't want to jump Bobby's bones. He was a dick but he was never weak and he was really intense in bed. Five+ years of my life being on and off with him and I never lost interest sexually. SO while it feels rare, I think you can keep the sexual spark alive.
Anyways, the therapist really didn't help answer my questions on what to do. I think deep down I am scared to trust XF again because I was patient and I waited and it got me nowhere.
Who knows.
xo xo,
Elle
You all already know the issue, so here's the answer.
"Normally what happens with sex is something is not working outside of the bedroom and it spills over into the bedroom impacting your sex life. Meaning something within the relationship is not working well and that issue has not been resolved, it then impacts your sex life. For him it could be an issue with his family not accepting you, or it could be something else and he is not talking or something else within you too. But there are problems within the relationship that has not been resolved, or issues not spoken about on either side, there are some deep feelings and emotions that are running strong on both sides that are affecting your sex life. My strongest suggestion would be to seek out couples counseling and discuss this issue prior to marriage if that is the direction of the relationship. It sounds like you both connect well, he is a good guy and has many qualities you want in a man but there is a problem that you both have to face and address, something that is being ignored and it is blocking you from having a good sex life. It can be worked on through therapy, not just him but you too. It really sounds like it could be his family and them not accepting you and your religion. Of course, if there is something you want to address that is an issue or a deep feeling, you can share here. It could be something within you that is an issue, within him, that is an issue or both, but it has to come to the surface and worked out to come to a resolution. At that point, the sex may improve when issues are resolved, or certain emotions are exposed and talked about. I hope all this makes sense."
Well, our entire relationship evaporated because we couldn't agree on when we were going to move forward with the rest of our life. I needed the commitment and piece of mind this summer and he wasn't ready to give it to me then.
Now he's ready to give it to me and I'm not ready to take it because our sex life puts me to sleep.
When we hook up, I'm already wishing it was over. When I hook up with Jake or Antonio, I am enjoying it and really in the moment.
The difference? I have zero history or baggage with Jake and with Antonio. We haven't dated for two+ years or fought for two+ years. I don't know their crazy families, I don't know a lot of things about them that could possibly lead us to a stressful road.
I know Jake wouldn't be willing to get engaged for a long ass time and I know that down the road, I'd be really frustrated by him not having his shit together and being ready to take the next steps THUS I didn't date him. I KNEW that despite our chemistry and how enjoyable he is to be around, down the line I'd be resentful that here we go again, another x amount of years and you aren't ready to commit because you haven't made your millions yet.
Would I date Jake if he had hit his professional goals? Or at least some of his professional goals? Maybe. From what I've heard, his parents are really sweet, open minded people. His brother is lovely and Jake is a sweetheart. Family issues seem minimal for once in my life. We get along, we both want to travel, we don't want to live in the suburbs, and we both want kids. I also find him attractive (so tall with the best jaw line, smile, and shoulders) and the sex is good. But this whole, I have to make my first million before I even think about marriage thing is so immature and I'm really too old for it and that's reality.
(aka deal breaker)
Antonio. Ahhhh Antonio. (Not saying we are at that level, this is purely for comparison value) Has a gigantic family that is VERY religious. I have a gigantic family that isn't religious... I am never going to become super religious so would his parents ever really like me? Sure, I expect they'd meet me and be nice to me. But that doesn't mean they'd like or love me. I guesssss that beats a family that refuses to even meet me and a brother who won't speak to me or look at me when sitting in the same room? Who knows also what other issues we'd face down the line. Maybe it'd just be small stuff that wouldn't impact our sex life but you really never know. Antonio hates his job much like Liam did and honestly, it's awesome dating guys like XF and Jake who both love their careers and don't feel suffocated by them...the job thing sounds small but in the bigger scheme I think it'd take a toll on me too...seeing someone miserable at work, living for the paycheck and feeling unfulfilled...that leaves a heavy weight on a partner because you are then responsible for creating the majority of the fulfillment in their life. You only have so much free time, ya know?
You hear about peoples sex lives suffering in marriage and it makes sense. Liam and I had the sex issue. It was great at the beginning and then by the end, I didn't want him at all. I remember cringing when he'd touch me because I was so checked out mentally. He was such a mommas boy and that was not attractive. I remember looking at him thinking, damn this guy is gorgeous what the hell is my deal?? I think we want to view men as strong, powerful, badass providers. When you see a man look weak or look to his mom for everything, you begin to rapidly lose sexual appeal. Anyways, this issue is not uncommon. That is all I do know with certainty. That being said, I never didn't want to jump Bobby's bones. He was a dick but he was never weak and he was really intense in bed. Five+ years of my life being on and off with him and I never lost interest sexually. SO while it feels rare, I think you can keep the sexual spark alive.
Anyways, the therapist really didn't help answer my questions on what to do. I think deep down I am scared to trust XF again because I was patient and I waited and it got me nowhere.
Who knows.
xo xo,
Elle
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