Hi, it's G again (the original G, so as not to confuse you by Sam's post)

As I am newly single again (until Elle finds me an appropriate pomegranate) I have been thinking about some dating adventures and misadventures. Elle knows that her readers have little to no interesting in the former, so here are a couple of tastes of the latter.

My S.O.P. for online dating was to always have a phone conversation before meeting up. For the millennials, that means that I would call the girl on the phone instead of texting her. I would speak words to her and she would do the same to me. I felt it was a good filter or time saver and there were at least two occasions where I ended the phone call without making a date.

After making a connection on JDate, and the attendant instant messaging, I asked for a phone number so as to call the young lady and have one of those conversation thingies. She politely refused and said she prefers to simply meet up. The yellow flag that was immediately raised was overcome by my boredom and curiosity. Further, she lived really close to me so I could walk to the bar to meet her for a drink.

Now, I wish I could remember her name or anything interesting about her, but I cannot. I might blame my poor memory or the fact that this happened years and years ago, but I think it had more to do with that there just was not a lot TO remember about this girl. What I do remember was that she and I were so clearly repulsed by each other and within about 3 minutes of meeting up. There was technically nothing wrong with her: seemingly intelligent, attractive enough, etc. However, the conversation was painfully slow and boring. The only thing I can remember about her was that she was on the board of her condo association. Now, you ask why I remember this? Well it was a highly recurring topic for her, as I think she was trying to impress me with her important position. Why was she repulsed by me? ...hard to say.

We got through a very painful drink and there was not even a glimmer of a second one. She offered to pay for her drink but the 7 or 8 dollars it was going to cost me was FAR less costly than another 5 minutes with her while we would wait for a check. I stood up, did not even give her a hug or a handshake, and happily watched her walk out (actually, I didn't even watch). After a half-hearted attempt to get the waitress's phone number I vowed to always have a phone conversation before a date. Unfortunately, times have changed and texting is the preferred method now. However, what do people think about bringing back the phone call? Can we save ourselves some time?

-​G

Alright, now that you have heard about bat shit Reena, lets fast forward 6 years. My roommate G and I were out in the city when he suggested that we hit up a charity party across town. I’m all for charity, but I knew the crowd at this party wasn't really my type due to the source that G got the party details from. Whatever, never know what you’ll find, right? Boy did I find something.

We show up and it hits me like a Ray Rice domestic dispute punch. I see Reena about 20lbs heavier dancing away. I didn't think it was her at first due to her ballooning but it was her.  Before I could drown myself in more alcohol, we make eye contact. She comes up to me and I’m having flashbacks to Starbucks banshee sobbing. She’s wasted too.

We exchange pleasantries and she asks what I’m up to etc. and she walks away. Simple enough? I think not…  The party is winding down and Reena comes up to me and pulls me aside and asks if we could talk. I’m about 5 Makers on the rocks deep, so sure. She proceeds to tell me that she hated me for a really long time but has forgiven me and that mutual friends have vouched I was a good dude.  

Uhh thanks mutual friends. We have mutual friends? Who? But thanks. 

Anyway, I try not to talk to her too long and G and I roll out in an Uber. As the Uber pulls in front of mine and G’s place, I get a weird Facebook message from Reena asking to catch up.  I oblige with the intention to ghost out of this request. 

Two weeks later, another message showed up asking to meet up. A dilemma is upon me. Do I become an asshole again and just not reply, or do I meet up and establish good karma?  I consult a few friends, including Elle and decide to go on the date. 

I suggest a place close to my apartment because I don’t want to travel far for this and of course this is mid week because I can’t waste a valuable weekend night on this.  Reena is at the bar early waiting and I get the chills as I walk in. I keep thinking to myself, what my game plan is? What am I trying to get out of this? DRAWING BLANKS.

Our convo consists of giving the abridged version of our life from the past 6 years. She tells me about her dating failures, being cheated on, etc. Tries to get me to reminisce about the “good times.” we had.  I’m thoroughly bored at this point because really, I don’t care and I’m kind of regretting my decision…until this moment. Reena proceeds to tell me that she is talking to a guy from my hometown on a dating app. Immediately, I ask her to show a picture of this guy, because there is a good chance I know who the guy is. 

ITS MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD, GP. I start laughing hysterically. She’s wondering what’s going on and I tell her to screen shot the picture and send it to me. I proceed to tell her its my best friend and she’s somewhat embarrassed.

I end the date right after that.  Of course I tell GP about this and he proceeds to delete her off the app. 

I think she hates me now.
-Sam

Sam here. First, thanks Elle for the proper introduction, despite your hatred for the opposite sex right now ;)

I hope my reckless train wreck dating stories from the past and present are mildly entertaining.  Recently, I ran into an ex girlfriend that I dated 6 years ago, when I was a 25 year old bachelor in the DC area city.  Before I get into the specifics of running into Reena and subsequently going on a “catch up” date with her *facepalm*, let me take you back to last time I ever saw her, which was the day we broke up……6 years ago.


​Reena was pretty attractive catch for a guy who just moved to DC and didn't really know how the game worked in a larger city.  I strung her along on being a halfway decent guy, taking her on standard 25 year old dates in Georgetown/Dupont and treating her to free (and disgusting) happy hours in the city that I won at college bars. God knows how much jaeger we drank during our courtship. I finally realized that I didn't want to be a 25 year male in DC locked down. I was untapped potential that needed to have more experiences before I lock into one girl. I need to go out and meet more women and Reena was not going to get in the way, despite our decent jaeger charged times together.


She displayed what I describe as bat shit crazy behavior while out drinking too much, which entailed stealing drinks out of strangers hands, bringing up controversial convos with randos at bars and coming back to my place and trashing it. She was 23, so I guess this was par for the course for a DC girl, right? Bottom line, I need more experiences. 


Anyway, I decided to breakup with her in a public place, for two reasons. One, if I did this at her place, she would have access to sharp objects immediately. Two, if I did this at my place, getting her to leave might be a problem, since she’s bat shit.  Based on these two facts, I naturally, I ask her to meet me at Starbucks in the city on a weekend afternoon. C’mon, tell me a better place?

​
Reena knew this was coming, so as I patiently waited for her in Starbucks, she walks in with tears streaming down her face. We sit down and talk and I lay it down that “I don’t see a romantic relationship with you.” The tears streaming down her face turn into horrific sobs in public. The drawback to the public breakup are the stammers and glares from everyone and the whispering from others around. Fuck it.  


As more people look over at us because of her banshee like sobbing, I finally have enough. I get up and leave. As I walk out of Starbucks and head to the Metro, Reena exudes true bat shit behavior by running out of the coffee shop and grabbing me and pulling herself to me. She looks dead in my eyes and said “DONT WALK OUT OF MY LIFE!!” Her hand is latched on to my jacket and will not let go!  There is a part of me that wanted to laugh my ass off because she really just said “DON’T WALK OUT OF MY LIFE” 
​

​Like is this going to get Wicker Park crazy. She had a death grip on my new JCrew jacket, and I had to remove each of her fingers individually off of me. After that task was painfully completed, I hailed a cab shoved $40 at the guy and said, please take this girl to her house. Corralled her into the cab and bolted to the metro. I got a few nasty emails from her and proceeded to block her on social media.

Alright, I’m about to hit a night on the town, but I’ll continue this tomorrow.

-Sam

No actual post is needed because this is just too effing funny.
1. WCW? I don't participate in dumb shit like that so this is major LOLs.
2. LFO - Summer Girls Video, circa 1994...

"Now I can't forget you and it makes me mad
Left one day and never came back
Stayed all summer then went back home
Macauly Culkin wasn't Home Alone
Fell deep in love, but now we ain't speakin'"

THIS IS THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY WEEK. CANNOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP. 
IM DEAD.
breaking hearts all day, everyday,
​Elle ;)

1. Remembering that guys are WAY stupider than gals
2. don't give a fuck

IDK why I get so caught up in shit. At the end of the day, who cares? Fuck engagement and all that stuff. Everyone is doing it but honestly, fuck it. 

Also - stop holding guys to same mental capacity as you hold yourself or your girlfriends. Their penis makes them incapable of actually communicating clear thoughts or being a somewhat decent human. We should blame ourselves for thinking that men were ever on our level to begin with.
SHAME ON US, LADIES.

Oh and I was totally lying about being friends (re post below). That was a mean girl move to F with his head. If we ever truly do cut ties, WE WILL NOT BE FRIENDS. Later, we talked on the phone and I said, "you know what? Fuck it all. Let's just pretend everything is peachy perfect." 

THEN I layered it on thick. To a point where I was actually laughing my ass off in bed because it is 100000% not who I am. I'll attach the screenshots so you can LOL your ass off too. 

So guys, you're all fucking idiots and sorry I am not sorry because its the truth. 

HOWEVER - My fake ass alter ego can assure you that, you men are the best thing ever and are capable of no wrong! You guys are the reason our world turns, the key to our happiness and are just the smartest, most logical people out there. MWAH, just adore you guys! 

Excuse me while I gag myself. and sorry for all the profanity - not very ladylike but as I've said before, IDGAF.

Have a good weekend peeps. I know I will thoroughly enjoy my new mantra of not giving a fuck. If you call and I don't answer, don't take it personally I just DGAF.

toodles,

​Elle

You know, the kind that never talk, see each other or hangout - that type of friend. 

I am really awesome and decide to confront my problems via text so I decided to text X Factor tonight and say....

"It is with a heavy heart that I think we should move forward as friends. Romantically I want to be with someone who is ready to move forward and doesn't tell me "I don't know why I'm not ready" every time it comes up. It'd be different if you could give me a legitimate reason why you're not ready but you never do. Clearly we are and have been on two, very different pages and you don't see that changing anytime soon. If you want to talk, you can call." 

He wants to "collect his thoughts" before we discuss this again. For me, you marry me or you let me go and it's time to decide. I know it's a big decision but I chose him a long, long time ago and it's so hard to wait for someone to choose you back. 

I was hoping the saga of Elle and XF was over. I reaaaaaallllly was but here we go again. SSDD, I know. 

I don't have the desire to date others, but I do have the desire to close this chapter if that is what needs to happen. I want to close it NOW not six months or a year from now. 

Adding to the drama - J and Arash had quite the night. She got wasted off long island iced teas...

Looks like I am not getting engaged anytime soon. 

XF still isn't 'ready'. 
"Okay? If you want me to keep holding on to this, why aren't you ready and what will it take for you to BE ready?"

"It's a gut feeling, Elle. You can't put timelines or pressure on these things."

"Oh...so you just don't feel it....and I am supposed to wait and expect that you will?"

"You know I am committed to you and want to spend my life with you. I don't want to be alone, I want to have a family, and I want to do that with you."

"You know....the order in which you said that is very worrisome...."

"Elle, stop misconstruing everything I say."

"I need to know what needs to change for you to be 'ready'. Do we need to work on something? Do you need to save more $ for a ring? Do you need your parents to approve? What is this missing piece? Things with you and I are as good as they've ever been so WHAT is it."

"I just don't know."

"Well, I can't deal with that answer anymore. I need something legitimate otherwise let me go. You propose or you let me go. It is really clean cut for me."

"Engagement is a big deal ELLE!!!!!"

"Why? Nothing changes between us except a title and my family can finally trust that you aren't wasting my time. So things get DRASTICALLY better for me but our day to day, remains the same. Why are you making this into an earth shattering ordeal???!"


"You're right...nothing will change between us and our day to day. So WHAT IS THE RUSH!!!"

"THE FUCKING RUSH IS THAT MY FAMILY WONT LET YOU INTO THEIR HOMES UNLESS YOU'RE MY FIANCEE BECAUSE THEY THINK YOU'RE USING ME. YOU'RE BORED AND LONELY IN RESIDENCY AND AS SOON AS THAT IS DONE, YOU'LL MOVE BACK TO YOUR PARENTS AREA AND FIND AN ARMENIAN GIRL AND APPEASE THEM AND I WILL BE LEFT IN THE DUST. I have had enough. I need space. See you next week."

So I told my friend ZP from college about all of this and he said, "Elle, you're so successful for a reason - you never give up and you work so hard but you can't apply business techniques to dating. If he isn't ready, you can't force him to be and that is all there is to it."

So, no ring in my immediate future. 

In other news - as I was writing this, my friend Ta who took me to Turkey just called and is in Manhattan. He suggested Bahamas or London for the long weekend. I said sure, either works for me. 

So Kat & Mia, sorry if I miss movies & our workouts....free travel called and I picked up ;) What timing! 

Xo 
​Elle

Super excited to announce that we have a new writer who is funny, smart, good looking, a total tinderfella and he is wildly entertaining! 
Meet Sam!!
WHO: Sam is 31, lives in the city in an amazing apartment, has a great job, great family, dresses well, is appropriately sarcastic, dates like a mofo and is an amazing friend. 

HOW: I met Sam in 2014 when I first began tinder. He was in the group of four guys I was seeing semi-regularly before I met X factor and he was my favorite. 
Our first date was legitimate insanity, and he tells the story way better than I do so I'm gonna let him tell it. Our third date was also hysterical...partially because neither of us remember it very well....lots of making out in public while out at a bar with our respective groups of friends....I NEVER do that but apparently with Sam I do? 
My last official date with Sam was what led X factor to lose his mind and throw in the Armenian towel of small mindedness and run back to me at full speed. Needless to say, X factor isn't fond of Sam because Sam always was down to give X a run for his money. 

NOW: I am happy to call Sam a friend. He is also the best tinder dater I have encountered. 

Sam has a reallllllly interesting date tonight that I cannot wait to share with you later this week! 
​
Stay tuned for Sam's journey of serial dating & failed relationships!

I AM SO EXCITED!!!
xo,

​Elle

PS our numbers are growing rapidly, thanks to everyone who reads, has shared it with a friend who has no idea who I am or just stumbled across this blindly. WOOOO 2016!

If you drink one of these after the age of 21, you're a complete loser. This is the signature underage college drink and under NO circumstances should it be consumed in adulthood. 

Guess whose favorite drink that is?
The guys who called my dad Saddam Hussein the other weekend 
AND
Dreadful J. 

She's going on and on about her DateLab experience with Ben Affleck who didn't quite look like Ben Affleck but all of her friends thought he was so hot and he thought she was so hot but she just didn't really feel any chemistry so she never talked to him again.

YAWN.
What started out as highly entertaining has now turned into the J show and I want to change channels. 

She yammers on about how the publication, The Atlantic wants to write a story on dating apps and her friend wants to interview her for the story. "I immediately called Arash and asked if it was okay that I do the story!!" Oh joy, another reputation wrecking thing to follow you around on google! You're just so smart J, kudos to being an app dating pro! Once again, Sam and I are laughing and copiously drinking wine to hold back showing our OMFG you're an idiot faces. 

At this point, Arash seems bored of her too. When Sam and I walked in to crash his date (mind you, we purely did this for blog material and entertainment) - Arash looked relieved that help had arrived. 
REWIND - to before J showed up at our apartment for her date with Arash....

I had coffee with Jake on Thursday...it was fine..... Not too sure he knows that I am dating X factor again because we didn't get into dating and kept things surface level...Should I have just blurted that out? I didn't meet up with him because I want to date him or anything (clearly) but I felt a little bad for dropping him in the dust. I wanted to normalize the situation which I guess is my gut instinct because I am a pro at turning tinder toads into friends. Not too sure he's down to be friends...and he's also the only guy this summer who had the guts to hit on me in person. Definitely think he would still want more which is unfortunate because he lives 3 seconds down the street and has a really great sense of humor and I'd like him as a friend. Not the guy you go out with if you expect him to ever buy you a drink, but HEY that's OK. I guess....?

Whatever, we can call that a bridge built. Who knows what happens next.

Next up - dreadful J.
Let it be known - this is a fake ass bridge that will likely fall apart in a matter of minutes BUT its noteworthy, nonetheless.

I met up Friday with my friend Sam who is the BEST. He is a tinder date turned friend and we always have the best conversations and we used to have the best dates. Long story short - we decided it'd be fun to crash Arash's date with J and crash his roommates date with a Coffee Meets Bagel chick who was so gorgeous but SO dumb. 

I loveeeee that I had a partner in crime for this, made the entire night that much more entertaining. So we show up at this awesome bar and immediately jump in. (Don't worry, I warned him before we got there that she sucks.)

So she launches in on a self obsessed story about herself (what a surprise) and then WHIPS out her phone and shows us a video of her from a date she went on. "If you just google my name, the video shows up!" Oh my god. This is actually happening and IS MAKING MY NIGHT. A local newspaper does a thing called Date Lab where they pick two people randomly and set them up. Then they interview both of them and post it online. Basically, you NEVER get to live this shit down and it follows you around on google forever so if you want to be taken seriously at life, don't fucking do it.

Sam and I are holding back laughter with every ounce of self control. Eventually, I cracked and she goes, "you're laughing at me!?" 
Uh, duh why wouldn't I be? You're on a date with my best friend and you're bragging about your DateLab video to me and my friend who is a complete stranger to you. This is SO typical. "Everyone says he looks like Ben Affleck." -- keeps getting better and better. SEND HELP I MIGHT LOSE MY MIND.

Anyways, the night gets better as it goes on...what happened before I even left the house is fab too. Sadly - the end of the night is disgraceful and pathetic so stay tuned for another all time Elle low. 

Too tired to tell you now!
See ya tomorrow,
Elle

​Today's post is a bit different than normal but after reading this article -- it really resonated with me/my entire life. 
It's about struggle and what you are willing to struggle for. I really believe it's worth EVERYONES time to read today. 
A few things  I've struggled for:
My businesses. I've dealt with crazy commutes, uncertainty, high risk, months of barely paying my bills, destroying a serious relationship due to no work/life balance, no retirement account, etc. 
X Factor. I've never been through more hell with ANYTHING or anyone. What person is worth getting treated like you're the scum of the earth simply because you are not Armenian? Well, he was. It wasn't picture perfect and still isn't but I always believed, wayyyyy deep down that he was the guy who was worth it. HS X? We had a few of the same issues but in the end, he just wasn't worth the struggle. 
My health. I don't particularly like working out but I struggle, I spend 7 hours a week at the gym and I am much healthier and happier because of it. 
So -- What do YOU struggle for?
Read the article and contemplate this as we begin 2016. 

Part of my news years resolution list includes:
saying whatever I want to whomever I think needs to hear it.
I won't do this whenever I want, I think timing is key -- so don't go assuming I am turning into a mega bitch and yelling at people at my leisure. 

First bridge I decided to mend after Bobby was HS X, who I guesss deserves a name besides HS X - Meet Ryan. 
Like I've said before, I spent close to five years with Ryan. It was never 100% after he cheated on me but we still hooked up and kept in very close contact for a long, long time. He lived down the street from me in high school so when we were both in college and home for breaks he'd pretty much live at my house. My dad was living in California and I had this giant house to myself essentially. When it was time to move to DC my senior year of college, Ryan borrowed Bobby's truck and came to Ohio (eight hour drive) and packed up ALL of my belongings then drove them & me home. He really had his moments of being amazing and he was the most handy/DIY guy ever. He fixed everything for me, always made sure my car had gas, was cleaned, etc. 

So I saw him at that peppermint patty Christmas Party and he told me all about his engagement which I could give zero fucks about. Then I got way too drunk and you all know the rest... Well I asked him for some advice via email a few days later for a business idea I have. It involves an area in which he has experience and I have none. So we talked on the phone, sent a few emails and things really felt fine/normal. I decided yesterday that I wanted to be friends again. We started out that way back in my sophomore year of high school, we have both found our "people", and there probably is no better time to be friends. 

So I texted, "Hey I have a random question - no rush, let me know a good time to call."
"Crazy day, I'll call when I leave work."

So he calls and I start with, "You are allowed to say no, I won't be upset but 2016 is going to be the best year of my life and I am not holding back SO will you be my friend again?" 

Arash came into my room last night after a delightful dinner date with queen bitch J and said we needed to have a "chat". 
(eye roll)
X factor warned me that Arash was going to confront me about J - I didn't really believe him because Arash isn't all that confrontational sooooo when he walked in to discuss J, I was pretty surprised. 

"So I just wanna discuss what went down Sunday.... I should've given you a heads up that she was coming over, you looked really shocked and surprised, so I apologize for not doing that but she left and was crying...."

"Crying? She said zero words to me. What is there to cry about? And you don't need to give me a heads up when you want to have your girlfriend over, its your house too but that does not obligate me to talk to her."

"I mean, we are back together and really giving it a go...she's a nice girl and she's never wronged you... she never has done something mean to you, like kick your cats or something."

"If she EVER even thought about kicking one of my cats I'd have her arrested and DEFINITELY wouldn't be speaking to her then so yes, you're correct - she has never done anything blatantly mean to me. However, a conversation is a two way road and this is my home as well. If she wants us to talk, all she needs to do is TALK. "Hey Elle, long time no see, how are you?" would've been sufficient but I refuse to feel bad for saying nothing when I am trying my best to stay out of this. It is NO secret that every friend you have dislikes her. It's not just me being a bitch, this is the way she presents herself to everyone close to you. I want you to be happy which is why I want to stay as far out of this as possible but I refuse to be fake." (so much for being Switzerland)

"Well, X factor really sucked for like a year. We all thought he was lame, rude, boring, and weird but now I think he's awesome and it just takes people different amounts of time to come out of their shell, Elle."

"Comparing my boyfriend to your girlfriend is a worthless activity Arash BUT maybe it will take us a year to see the good side of J. If that is the case, we can have this conversation again in a year. Or we won't need to because everyone will love her by then."

"We didn't like X Factor coming around and stuff, but we dealt with it."

"I stopped bringing him around if you remember correctly. Until he sent that email to you and Mia, he WASN'T around again. But that was his way of trying to show he was sorry for the past. What is J doing to prove she is sorry for her past actions? If she's sooooooo upset I didn't address her personally, why didn't she address me personally? Don't I have the exact same right to feel upset and cry because she didn't say anything to me? This is a ridiculous double standard and I refuse to feel bad about her crying and throwing a tantrum."

"Elle, I hate that everyone hates her...."

UGHHHHHH. 
I walk into my apartment yesterday after my workout and who do I see sitting at my kitchen counter? 

The dreadful J.

I walk in, Arash say's "Hey Elle!" I say, "Hey guys, it smells good in here!" X Factor was making us lunch so I set my things down to come take a look at the food. I said hello, J has yet to say anything, I am trying to be Switzerland, she's the one who is now back in the scene, she should be making the effort to talk to me, afterall - this is MY home that I share with her boyfriend. Roommate/BFF > GF. Doesn't she know?

She says nothing. They eat their lunch, we start eating ours and within ten minutes they're out. Arash says, "hey, we'll see you guys later!" - X & I reply, "okay, cya!" and that is all. 

No drama but definitely tension. 

Later in the evening during our dinner party, J comes up again. I say she once again didn't bother to say hello to me and that I am not going out of my way. She will get exactly what she gives me in return. 

This makes Arash upset, X factor yells at me to "be the bigger person" and tells me I need to apologize to Arash. 

This might make me a brat but I'm sorry if I am NOT looking forward to having a girl who is a complete bitch back in my living space on a regular basis. She NEVER bothers to do the right thing like say hi to people or be genuinely a decent human so HOW am I the bad guy now? 

Good for you Arash for taking her back -- that is your prerogative. I don't have to be friends with her or accept your decision. I can make myself scarce and thats that. Ideally, it'd be great to be able to be friends with whomever he dates or at least be able to tolerate them/hold a conversation.  But hey, NOT my decision. Clearly.

I have zero intent to apologize. I cut shitty people out of my life on a regular basis and there is no plan to open the floodgates and let them seep in back in, in 2016. & I will tell Arash this, as politely as possible tonight when he mentions it again. 

Now, it's time to focus on some new after work hobbies....

Any good ideas?

xx
​Elle

Take back your bitchy/rude/mean spirited/devil spawn ex girlfriend because you were lonely on New Years Eve and you miss having an activity partner. 
Yeah, 
​ARASH IS BACK WITH J. 

It's really AWFUL that he lasted so long and then BOOM 2016 hits and they're back together. She even called today to confirm that they were deleting their dating apps. 

It all began yesterday when....
He went to fetch our friend Kat from the airport and told her that "he is taking a dating hiatus..." She asks, "what do you mean a hiatus? Not going out with a bunch of girls orrrr going out with just one girl?"
He gives her THE guilty as fuck look and she screams, "NO, NOT J!!!! DON'T DO IT!!!!!"

I get home yesterday - no Arash. I call, I text - no answer... Kat warned me of what was potentially happening, but I refused to believe he was actually this stupid.

Kat comes over, we proceed to continue blowing up his phone anddddd nada.
Then finally, he responds to Kat and says I'm busy, talk later. 
UGHHHHH.

This news is beyond depressing. Now, I have to be fake nice every time this leech shows up at my house and I absolutely cannot tolerate being fake or the sound of her voice. I hateeeeee being fake (which is why everyone calls me blunt because I don't do fake shit) but I have to preserve my relationship with my roommate and thus paint a faux smile on. 

AGHGKJGHFGKGHJFKGHJKGJHKJFGHFKGJH. 

I had a bad feeling that if we didn't do NYE together, he'd do something stupid like this. It's like a child, you have to supervise or else they're going to go mess up their life and yours. 

Kat is convinced that either her or Mia are gonna snap one day at J and say everything we all think about her. I pray to God they take care of that early on so she steers clear of our social circle and I don't look like the asshole roommate. 

Kat and I were rightfully pissed so we decided to go out for drinks to drown our sorrows. First bar we go to is packed with losers and the WORST dj my ears have ever witnessed. I swear to God, Linkin Park circa 1996 was being played. Linkin Park sucked back then, NO need to bring it into 2016. Headache inducing music.

Then these two Kurdish clowns pop up behind and say, "ladies we hope you like shots because we just ordered four!" 
Ugh. Now we have to talk to you. Greeeeat.

Oh and Kat has ZERO voice so I have to talk double to both of these idiots. 
They ask what my background is and I say Persian/Swedish.
"Wow, you don't look Swedish at all,"
Me: "Okay."
"I want to see your mother."
Me: Whips out facebook and photo of mom, dad and I and shows clown #1.
"WOW, your father looks JUST like Saddam Hussein!!!!!!"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? 
I put my phone away and promptly stop speaking. 
"Hey, that was a joke! I mean, he really does look like him but that is just my sense of humor."

I can't even follow it up with a sarcastic/bitchy response. Is there a sign on my forehead that says please offend me in ANY Middle Eastern way possible? 

I honestly don't get it guys. What the hell. First, I relive the drama with Bobby and the Osama comment NOW I get some dbag who thinks equating my Dad to a dirtbag is funny? 

GET ME OUT OF HERE.

So we switch bars. We walk in, order drinks, sit down and BOOM - two new toads are front row, center.

And they bring us shots too. Soco and lime...aka I am 16 again at a house party. 
Whatever, we take the shot and the are stuck talking to these tools. Mind you, Kat still has no voice so it's alllll me, allllll night - zero diffusion.

This time, they think I look like one of their friends. They whip out a photo and BOOM - the girl is blonde and really ugly. "Ummm, how wasted are you two because I am clearly not blonde or heinous?" 

"Oh, it's your personalities! That's how you look alike. You're both really, errrrr direct."

"Ohhh, so the girl you're equating me with is the same one you both were saying how much you disliked a few minutes ago?"

"Errrr...I mean, she's nice - we were kidding."

ERRRR, FUCK OFF NOW, K THX BYE.

So the positive news: guys bought us drinks in the New Year (& that is a rare thing these days)

The bad news: Arash is back with J aka Devil Spawn, my father was equated to another terrorist, and apparently I am a fat blonde girl who is very direct. 

Cheers! This is surely going to be one hell of a year.

​Elle

HELLLOOOO PEEPS!
Happy 2016!
Very exciting that the New Year is upon us! I always find it cleansing to close the door on a year, package it up, cut the loose ends and focus on what you can achieve in the bright, new, sparkly year ahead. We all survived the holidays, hooray!

I have some goals for 2016 -- I will run through a few now, and get into more as we get into January. 
Short story - 
Last year I gave up "dieting" - I said, fuck this - it never works, it is never sustainable and I want to enjoy life and stop stressing about what I consume. So I survived 365 days of not giving a fuck about diets, I enjoyed my life and somehow I wound up in the best athletic shape of my life. Granted, I wasn't this way for all 365 days of 2015 but I can say I successfully created a new, healthy habit during 2015. Sure, I have been lighter/thinner in prior years BUT I have never ever had muscle. SO I made a lifestyle change (thank you Orange Theory Fitness, you're my fave) and I stuck to it. Changing the way I workout not only made me more productive, it created a habit, I use that 1 hour of gym time and get an actual ass kicking workout vs walking around the gym aimlessly because I hate the gym, AND I am able to consume the foods&drinks I love without guilt because I made OTF a very regular part of my life. Sure, I could be skinnier/more toned if I was really intense about my food choices and cut out alcohol -- but for me, that just sounds so awful and I am happy with where I'm at. 
Moral of this story is - I want people to stop focusing on diets, losing weight, etc and focus on building just one, really strong, healthy habit that they can stick with. It makes all the difference.
FUCK diets. 
Food is good, eat it. Enjoy it. 
(and I only tell this story because damn near everyone is all about trying to become Gisele Bunchen or Gigi Hadid in the New Year so it seemed relevant. I am in NO way on some kind of "I workout high horse" -- I hate working out, not big on sports, so thats my PSA) 

My main goal for 2016 is to create another healthy or productive habit that I can really stick to. Ideally I want a strong financial goal and to become a morning person. 

The list of professional and personal goals is pretty long -- I'd like to be engaged like five minutes ago, I'd like more $$$$, I'd like X factor to become more romantic/sentimental, I'd like a new wardrobe. I mean, those are all goals I think most of my gal pals have. 

Getting back to the juicy stuff....aka engagement thing....
I gave an ultimatum to X Factor on Christmas. Yes, we spent Christmas together. I said, "I've done this your way. I gave it time, I let you back in and now it's your turn. You have 30 days to make it happen or I'm out. If you don't know for sure about me, then let me go. If you can't get your shit together and plan this proposal and buy this ring, then let me go. Or - get your shit together, and keep me." He said okay. No arguments, no bullshit, no "I'm not ready" babble. Which leads me to think, this might ACTUALLY freaking happen. 
I am going back home to California in February and I told him my dad is planning our engagement celebration for the 20th. I am realllly not fucking around. I told my dad that my mom is coming too (which she is) and so is X Factor and that hopefully we will be celebrating an engagement, together as  one, big, happy family. When I told X Factor about the party he said, "well, shouldn't my family be there too?" I replied with, "our families do not need to mix until the wedding - we can have a separate engagement celebration with the Armenians but my family isn't so fond of your racist fam so it's better to keep it separate." -- I mean, that might seem weird but my family is SO protective. They think his family is a bunch of fucking lunatics and I can only imagine the brawl that could take place if one of his family members asked one of mine, "how Muslim are you? How many times a day do you pray?" See what I mean? Lot's of room for chaos. My family would FLIP. Punches would be thrown (my uncles don't fuck around). 

SO PLEASE DO NOT FUCK THIS UP XF. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

I don't want to discuss this again until January 25th rolls around. Keeping my fingers crossed there will be a nice, long blog post with a photo of a ring prior to that date. LORD JESUS, LETS MAKE THIS SHIT HAPPEN. If not, you're going to have a lot of fun tinder toad stories in Feb/March.

Lastly - my goal involving X Factor for 2016 is to let go of the resentment I have towards what his parents have said/done. Fuck them, they are assholes, their actions are their choices and thats all there is to it. I don't need to hold onto any of it. I am Persian and I am fucking proud to be. R A W R. 

I am going to be diligent about the blog this year as well. Please share it with your friends (unless your friends are my friends then please don't) and maybe we can make something of this thing. 

ALSO --- I NEED CONTRIBUTING WRITERS!!!! PUHLEEEAASSEEEEE PEOPLE. I know everyone has good stories, now you just need to tell them! Readership has been on the rise, let's keep it interesting! 

Viva la 2016,

Elle